SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You do not deserve to be treated like crap by anyone on here. It doesn't do any good. You should not be a proxy.

WhyDidI can decide for herself if she wants the Stop sign or not.

Also, there will be no pulling information from her BH's thread and mentioning it here. Do not even mention his user name.

I didn't.

Thank you everyone.

My husband told me that it would be helpful just to type things out, and it has.

And I already appreciate the comments received

LiesHurt,

Thank you

Also even as FBH I am willing to admit that I am just as capable of having an affair. That's why I believe in compassion over hate.

My husband and I are going to have a discussion tonight and I don't know what to do or say.

There is no “right” thing to say. Just be honest. Don’t hold anything back because you don’t want to hurt him anymore. That’s just selfish motives disguised as being noble. Just be real. Tell the truth. Own what you did. Tell him how you felt then and now. Don’t minimize what you did. If you slept with him 10 times don’t say “a few.” Say 10. You don’t have to say he was the most amazing lover ever but you also shouldn’t lie and say it was meh if it wasn’t. Be real.

You cannot control what your BH does. There is no magic pill. Just talk to him. It’s hard but his pain is worse.

Good luck.

nscale56, my post wasn't directed at you. It was an in general warning for anybody posting to this thread.

WhyDidI, you are welcome.

Oh ok.

First, I'm glad they wouldn't do an A tattoo on you. Over time you will be very happy that didn't happen and no responsible tattoo artist would do this while you are in this mental state.

I'm not sure what to tell you, I'm a BS. But it is not about him telling you what you need to do. You are the one responsible, and you need to figure out why you were willing to throw everything away, just for the feeling of a younger person being attracted to you. It really doesn't mean anything, because he was a cheater too, and some men will screw anything willing. How flattering is that, really? You need to explore why this was something you would risk everything for , and what is missing in you that this fulfilled it?

But first and foremost, do not lie about ANYTHING. Ever again, and especially not now that he is asking you some questions. Be sure you are honest no matter how it makes you look. You are already regarded as the worst person on earth by your BH. (I'm speaking in general terms here, not specifically YOUR BH) Don't insult him or hurt him further by not being completely honest. I cannot stress this enough. No new WS ever believes this, but the lies that follow discovery are the MOST damaging thing that happens and can destroy that relationship more than the initial A. I'm dead serious about this. Also breaking NC will definitely do you in. Don't do it no matter what.

good luck to you.

Mrs Walloped, my husband told me that I must read your posts as well as your husband. He said that they should help me see both sides of the coin.

I can see why my husband likes this place already.

Just to let everyone know, when I originally tried to register, I was rejected because there was already an account attached to my pc.

The people to run this site contacted my husband to let him know that I was trying to register and asked if it was ok for me to join. And already, a moderator had to step into this discussion to give a warning to people.

Thank you so much for protecting my husband, and for protecting me.

I suggest reading “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald. It’s a quick ten dollar read from Amazon. It will get you on the right path.

Until your amazon purchase arrives, this post/article is amazing:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp

Welcome WhydidI.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:23 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

BH here, no stop sign. WhyDidI, I have followed you BH thread and I too know the pain and devastation he is feeling.

From the BH perspective, when you talk, be open and honest with him. Do not try to "protect" him or continue to lie to lessen the pain on him. That's all a cop out, it's to lessen the WS guilt. My WW held back details from me for nearly a year. This did as much if not more damage than Dday. My WW swore on bibles, our childs life, everything she could, that I knew everything. Finding out nearly a year later was horrible.

Please, please do not do this. The pain he is in is nothing like I expected. It was 1000x worse than I had thought. My WW also attempted suicide about a week after Dday after a night where I was absolutely horrible to her (verbally). Coming here is a great first step. Mrs. Walloped had a really great thread you should read.

I believe your husband loves you very much, but you have destroyed your marriage with numerous, calculated choices made in isolation. These are not mistakes, mistakes are running a stop sign, red light, etc. You were fully aware of your choices and did them anyway, knowing what the end result might be. Same as my WW, she admitted to me that she felt if I ever found out, I would D her....and she did it anyway, twice physical, and at least 2 EA's over our 20+ years together. I can't make sense of it. None of it makes sense and I've had to try to come to terms with it.

I hope you dig in and do the hard work you need to do to try to create a new marriage. Your old marriage is dead. I know it's a hard thing to come to terms with.

Keep reading here, as a BH, this site and great folks here have been hugely helpful to me.

I wish you and your BH the best.

[This message edited by Jameson1977 at 12:29 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

What would have helped me on DDay 1:

1. Full disclosure without minimising (my WH left half of his A details out to make it sound like it was in the past). Answer all the questions truthfully. If it will not make sense to him he’ll torture himself for the months to come. Example: my WH said to me he spent one evening with the ow watching tv for two hours at her house. It doesn’t make sense right? I tortured myself over it for months, it turns out he actually spent the whole day with her booked off from work. Found out 4 months later and it set me back, how can someone who apparently loves you hear the same question on and on again, see the pain and torture and believe you are so stupid?

2. No contact means no contact. No sneaky emails, texts, no hello, no one more call to say goodbye.

3. Don’t ask for chances if you don’t realise that potential reconciliation is a massive gift you’re being given. If you ask for it just because you’re trying to keep your comfortable life but he’s not the one you’re willing to move mountains for don’t do it. If you are given that chance you’ll have years of tough times. Think if you’re truly willing to go through that otherwise you’re wasting his time and yours.

4. Don’t be defensive and don’t blame any part of your affair on your marriage. If you were unhappy you had the opportunity to open your mouth and tell him so. Nothing that may have been wrong in your marriage excuses an affair.

5. Read everything and take it on board. Read “how to help your spouse heal” and “not just friends”. Don’t read it and dismiss it as “but my case is different” as my WH did. Is not. The majority of affairs are the same: a trip to fantasy land to get some ego kibbles and feel better about yourself when in fact you’re at your worst version of yourself.

6. Transparency: hand over all passwords and offer to put a tracking app on your phone.

7. The hardest: you’ll never fully understand what he’s going through but try to put yourself in his shoes. He now feels discarded, second best, the “make sense” option not the passionate one, unattractive. His life has been destroyed in minutes and he has no idea who you are anymore. If you manage to put yourself in his shoes a bit you may get a bit of understanding of it.

8. Offer to take care of him to help him function: cooking, cleaning, practical stuff. I lost 15kg in 3 weeks. I couldn’t function. My WH took over completely. I am still a shadow of what I was 6 months ago. I can’t find trousers to fit me...

Good luck and I hope you two heal.

Hi & Welcome.

I am a WS too, just identifying that since you are new.

First, let me address the name calling and tattoo you wanted:

Right now, you are ashamed of being caught. That is not a judgement, but that's the place we all land in the beginning. It will be months before you get to the remorse stage. But, let me tell you what I learned about being in your stage:

1. The other posters are right, you are and probably will for some time make this about you. I used my shame kind of like a shield early on. I would say things like this (though the tattoo would have been extreme, so thankful no one would do that for you) but what I learned is it shut down conversations that were needed. When I would say these things to my H, it deflected. It made it about me. It wasn't about his pain.

2. You don't mention withdrawal from the AP (feeling like you lost something), and maybe you don't but if you do feel that way, make sure that you do everything to maintain No Contact. Block him on everything. Construct a no contact letter and share it with your husband. Ask him how he would like it delivered. He may want to be the one to send it. No contact includes things that the AP doesn't participate in, that means no looking at his social media or checking in on him through other people. I have seen some come on here and not have withdrawal, and others pining for months on end.

3. Agree to whatever your H wants in terms of separation or contact or otherwise. Make this about his emotional safety and the emotional safety of your children.

4. I don't know what to tell you about the kids or what their ages are. We chose together not to tell ours because they are grown and out of the house. It wasn't to protect me from what they might think or our relationship, but to protect them from the stress of it all. I don't know how or why the kids have come to know, but when things settle down a bit you should get into family therapy with them. They are not mature enough to handle this very adult situation and regardless of your poor decisions they still need a mom and they still love you, there is just a lot of conflicting feelings there.

5. Marriage counseling is not for now. IC is for now. I was in IC for six months before we did any marriage counseling. I needed to become safe enough to work on the marriage with my husband. That meant taking full responsibility, knowing at least the beginning of my whys (I am 9 months out and still discovering more on a daily basis)

6. Read the stuff I think sassy pointed out. Not just friends, helping your spouse heal, etc.

7. Justifications about how you weren't all that attracted to the guy or the sex wasn't good aren't relevant at this point. It's a double edge sword: If he was someone you connected with on a deep level and thought you loved, then the BS feels compared and not special. If you didn't like him that much, the BS feels why would you blow up everything for him. You are best to try and get to a point where you see this person helped you in not only destroying your marriage but more importantly that he helped you destroy your husband emotionally.

8. Go to IC and work on your whys and how you are going to fix them. It's a long process.

9. If you really want your marriage back and he does try to work it out with you then you need to understand that this is a very long road...2-5 years. You really must decide that you are committed to that recovery, and know that you do it without having any control of whether it works.

Stay here, keep processing, keep reading. Have faith that this will work out in some form in another and stay focused on becoming a healthier person.

and I was often left frustrated.

Yet you went back for more, over and over.

He will never believe that. I get that you think saying that to him somehow makes it better. It doesn't. It just tells him that even now you still won't stop lying.

Please stop with talking about the attractiveness or lack of for the AP, the satisfaction with the sex, his height, etc. That will only make your husband think one of two things, either you were willing to throw away your marriage for someone you didn't even want which will just make him think you don't value the marriage at all. Or he will think that if the AP had just been a little taller, better-looking or better in bed you would have stayed with him and dropped your husband.

Either thought is bad. I think what you are doing here is a little bit of trying to denigrate the OM a bit and also convince yourself. You enjoyed the attention and liked being with him. You need to own that and understand why.

Whydidi...I don’t post often but I will say I have read every post your husband has made without making any comments or offering and opinions or advice, but I feel compelled to comment in yours.

I am a betrayed husband.

And it has hurt and changed me more than anyone except a betrayed spouse can fathom.

I have reached out to my wayward wife many times over the course of the last two years as her on again off again affair occurred trying to get her to understand what she has done to me and our children. Still she doesn’t grasp it, sadly. I don’t think a wayward can ever understand fully, that too imo is sad.

But this is what I get from your post.....

At this point I think you are more in regret than remorse, and until you know what remorse is and feel it, you will have a hard time getting thru to him. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “ you don’t have to worry about him ever again, I promise” I would be a rich man. You need to work on you before you can work on the two of you. I think you are more in a place of fearing what you are about to lose (for you) rather than in a place of “what have I done, how can I help him recover from the CHOICES I’ve made”

For what it’s worth I’m going to show your post to my WW, not in any hopes that it will change our status, but maybe to show her a place where she could have started.

Good luck.

I am a BH. I don’t have much to add to the great advice others have offered: complete honesty, don’t minimize or deflect or make the pain about you. But I will add this: a sincere, heartfelt and honest apology is long remembered. In the end this will be a long journey, and you will need to show consistent, sincere remorse by your actions for a long time while realizing you can’t control the outcome, and in the end you may not be successful. Whether you are up for the challenge is the true test of your love and commitment to your H.