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Brief update: We made it past our d-day anniversary, we are about 13 months since dday and 12 months since no contact. Still attempting reconciliation. I am all in, my BS is of course still hurting and riding the roller coaster. But he is here and that is enough for me.

That brings me to the topic of an apology.

For the past year, I have had the same reoccurring nightmare, which leads me to screaming, thrashing, etc in my sleep. It starts with either me, or me and my BS waiting for the AP and his wife somewhere. Waiting, searching for them, looking for them, following them, and finally confronting them as a couple. Me shouting that I want nothing to do with him, that I don't love him, I never did, and saying the wife has nothing to worry about, I don't want her husband, and me apologizing. Its the same ending every time, me standing in front of them screaming and crying.

I told my husband about it since I had the dream again this week, and he said maybe that means you need to apologize to her. But for the life of me I can't. Not because I don't want to, but because I truly feel no contact is no contact and the thought of him reading any of my words turns my stomach. I also feel at this time, its let sleeping dogs lie, she most likely does not want to hear from me now, a year later.

Is an apology the right thing to do? Is it really more for me than for her? Would a betrayed spouse really want to hear from an AP? I keep thinking about it and coming to the conclusion of NO. No contact means no contact. Period.

Thoughts?

*edited for typos

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 10:13 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

I don't think so in your case:

-your husband apologized

-he was a serial cheater

-the AP got divorced

What would you want to get from it if you did it? Likely whatever that is wouldn't be obtained. Since she spoke to your husband she probably has a clear picture of what happened, and of his anger with you.

I would let the sleeping dog lie in your case. Your nightmares are probably not going to go away from it, but you could draft the letter for your own sake and see if it helps anything.

They are still married and have two young kids.

What also plays into it is she is a divorce attorney and did threaten to sue for alienation of affection which is grounds in North Carolina. So by writing her a letter, I am admitting it and she has my written testimony so to speak, which is not good.

I don't think I would get anything from it. In reality, I would probably suffer from doing it because I cannot stand the thought of any form of contact with HIM. But maybe just to know I righted one wrong, I acknowledged my choice to harm her and her family, and offered my apology, whether or not she wanted it. One check off of my karma bus.... and I guess that is my point, I should be doing it for her, but I don't see how she would want it. I wouldn't be doing it for me.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 10:22 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

I wouldn't want an apology from the AP, pinkpggy. But, OW is unremorseful and OW feels like the victim in all of this. (Serial cheater and juniour bunny boiler who stalked us for 8 years.) So my circumstance is different than yours. You are remorseful.

I have read here that some BS's do want an apology. I think most, and I can be wrong, would not want an apology.

Maybe you can write a letter of apology to the OBS and not send it? Maybe that will help alleviate your nightmare.

Wishing you the best on your journey.

Ah, I am sorry, I had your AP mixed up with Mrs. Walloped I think.

Oh gosh, if he's still in the picture with her, then it does open a door. I think you have proven you don't love him by staying out of contact.

And, the fact she is a divorce attorney. No. I agree that's just inviting more problems. The ripple effect of any choice could still be a step backwards regardless of that fact. I would leave it alone.

Hi pinkpggy

You will know, I seldom post in Wayward. Seldom feel confident enough, too often triggered but, your thread title caught my eye.

All I can share is my view as one BH. Just this week I posted on a thread in D/S that I finally feel as if I have reached that nirvana that most BH's pine for. The sate of "meh". I no longer feel anger towards XWW, nor hate, nor love, absolutely nothing at all in fact.

The karma bus has hit AP2 harder that I could ever have hoped for, but I don't celebrate. Not because I am in any way sorry for him. I don't celebrate because I have reached the state of meh with him as well.

If he were ever to show up on my door to apologise though, I fear that everything would be brought back to life. I would be right back at the start of that awful roller coaster.

Just reading the title of your thread raised my heart rate, caused me to perspire profusely and has left me flushed.

Maybe I am not fully at the point of meh yet.

This is just my opinion and sharing how I feel. It might be different for a BW.

If he were ever to show up on my door to apologise though, I fear that everything would be brought back to life. I would be right back at the start of that awful roller coaster.

This is my thinking to0. I really firmly believe no contact means no contact by any involved party. I feel like it is opening everyone up to more pain. I have zero feelings and spend very very little time thinking of the AP. My focus is on my BH and my relationship with him. I just wonder why I am plagued by this dream. I know its guilt. It gets me every day. Not a day goes by where I don't regret it, feel guilt and anger towards myself. But for him...I feel nothing and don't even want to stir up any emotion related to the affair.

You know, I have conflicting thoughts on this. The COW in my situation was single and told me that she was in the same amount of pain as I was and pursued my WH after dday for months. Every email she sent was another trigger, another stab at me and it took her months and months to move on. It was awful.

However she has been out of my life for about a year now. If something had changed her and she felt truly sorry for the pain she had caused me - not pity for herself, maybe I would want to hear it. People can change. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago, and I’ve changed dramatically since dday. My WH has too. Maybe she sought therapy and has worked on fixing herself and did some reading on cheating and wanted to give me a genuine apology. That might be worth reading.

I guess it would depend on what it said. I would think short and simple with no triggers for the BS to have to read might be ok.

Why don't you write the letter and not send it? I think it would be good for you to express your sorrow and remorse for what you did to her and her family.

Part of this is forgiving yourself for what you did to everyone and that has to include the APs family.

FWIW, I could only hope that my Mr.'s AP is apologetic and would love to get a note of apology from her. It won't happen. She believes everything is done TO her and she is the victim. That may have been true in her past, but she had a role in the cruelty towards me and my children that she would do well to recognize so it doesn't happen to anyone else.

Seems like you make a great case not to send it but writing it may be just what the doctor ordered!

I'm a WW and I wrote an apology letter to the AP's wife shortly after D-day. Me and the AP's wife were acquaintances/starting a friendship before and during the time of the A. I felt (and still do feel) such remorse and I had a compulsion to write her an apology letter. I thought about it often. The letter didn't have anything to do with contacting my AP (we have been NC since the day after D-day). It had to do more with the fact that I betrayed AP's wife and my friendship and I wanted to apologize for that. I didn't specifically call out the A or even mention the AP in the letter. I just wanted her to know that I made a series of poor decisions and that I'm owning that and working on my marriage and I apologize for causing her hurt. I didn't ask for forgiveness at that point and it is her choice as to whether or not to forgive me in the future. I also assured her that nothing like this would ever happen again.

I didn't expect a response and maybe I did it more for me than for her. It has helped me move on and focus on reconciling my marriage.

pinkpggy: I had similar dreams. I still have some, but not as frequent. Writing the letter helped. It gave me a feeling of saying my piece and moving on. I think I'm lucky in the fact that my husband and I and the AP and his wife are very much not about drama. We are focusing on repairing our marriages and really just want to move on. I'm not afraid of her responding/not responding. The whole process of writing the letter allowed me to clear my head a little.

Write it for yourself but no, don't send it.

I emailed the OW and she emailed be back an "apology" but it only made me more crazy.

I dissected every word, looked for "hidden" words or "clues" to the point I was driving myself more crazy than I already was.

IMO, your apology will bring her more pain vs. healing.

I wish you continued luck in our R.

((hugs))

I can almost guarantee you that an apology of any kind to her will fall on deaf ears or make her feel worse. As you mentioned, she could come after you too.

Further NC means NC forever. It is so important to maintain. It will cause both you and your H to regress in your healing.

It makes something that is slowly fading into the past back into present. Why do that to your self?

I think writing a letter that you never send can be very theraputic.

IF it is helpful, write it here.

Tell us what you want to say. Tell us how you feel. You are safe here. We do understand (even BS like me).

I would be honored to read your words.

I disagree.

I think you need to forgive yourself actually. Your dream is you desperately seeking forgiveness from her. You are (in reality) irrelevant to her at this point, but your emotions in the dream are so strong.

Maybe time to dig in that pool for a minute, forgiving self.

Maybe writing the letter and not sending it will help you feel better and help with the dreams. Keep the letter put away someplace and then you can know that if she ever reaches out to you, you already have written down what you would like to say and it is a thoughtful and heartfelt apology. Please do not reach out to her. What if it sets her back? What if you write her and she doesn’t respond and then the dreams get worse because you don’t know if your apology actually made her feel much worse?

Your instinct is right. NC is NC. (And gently, because I know this comes from your BH, I don’t know many BWs who are interested in—or would respond well—to an apology. It’s their antiversary time, too. It will hurt her.

Given her ability to use your words as evidence? I don’t think it’s a huge concern, but I still wouldn’t poke the beehive. In actuality, the affair did happen, so unless you’re prepared to perjure yourself, she could proceed with an AoA case anyway; if she thought she’d win, she probably already would have. She has the experience to know what’s needed to prevail—a simple apology probably wouldn’t tip the balance. (The real decider is the degree of damages, which is measured in dollars—spent on the A, spent on therapy, etc. If those are high, then the evidence of an apology could bite you.)

But don’t break NC. Your dream is not literal. It’s a processing-things dream—really common around the one-year mark.

Edited for gobbledygook.

[This message edited by solus sto at 2:46 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]

My BH wanted an apology....or at least a verbal confrontation from my AP. He got neither. He contacted the AP at home, cell #, work. The only response was a message from an encrypted number, advising that he will never speak to me again.

I really believe that my BH was looking for clarification from me and felt something was missing, so he went to AP. The AP owes no apology to the marriage / relationship. That is the responsibility of WS. The WS had the obligation to the marriage. The AP had no such obligation.

My wife's AP came to the house to apologize. He slammed the door in his face. That had to have been 10 years ago. Have not heard from his since.

Thanks everyone for confirming what I thought. I think on my end regarding my involvement with him, I have forgiven myself on that end (regarding how I got involved with him and his motives, I realize that if it wasn't me it would have been, and was others). So I know in terms of his wife dealing with infidelity, I was one of probably at least 2 or 3 woman that he was with. I know I am not to blame for his actions, and he is responsible to his wife for forgiveness.

I haven't forgiven myself for what I have done to my family and my husband (and my own self). That is a work in progress.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 1:23 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]

Well, I'm odd man out here. Odd BW out.

I would like an apology from the OW. It's not like I'm not thinking about her anyway. I don't know if I'd consider it sincere, but acknowledging that she caused pain and harm and that her actions were wrong would be appreciated.

Heck, I'd like an apology from my neighbor for the rude things she said to me last weekend when I was trying to help her in her yard. I'd even like an apology from the person who stole my bike 12 years ago when I put it down to hold my son's bike while he was learning to ride without training wheels.

And if 3 people stole 3 of my bicycles, I'd like 3 apologies, not a blow off statement about the other thefts.

This thread and the other about the OM's DD are triggering me, and I need to get off here. I'm just puzzled why others think apologies are potentially bad or harmful. I don't get it.

I understand that not everyone is sorry for their misdeeds, but I was taught that you apologize and make amends when you wrong someone. That's not always how the world works, and that's ok with me. But it sure would be nice if it were different.