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Home From Deployment to Hell

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WilliamM posted 4/13/2018 20:46 PM

Im proud of you Sailor. You are doing great. Make sure you take care of yourself physically and mentally. Love that you are going to Sandy Eggo..lol

SnowToArmPits posted 4/13/2018 21:00 PM

Standing in what used to be our bedroom looking at what was our marital bed, I sure felt that way today. Fucking emasculated is how I felt...

Emasculated my ass, you're the man.

Your wife dealt you one of the crappiest hands a man can be dealt, you acted decisively and with honour.

MidnightRun posted 4/13/2018 21:05 PM

This is a stretch, but if a man shot you in the back and took your wallet, would you feel emasculated?

20yrsagoBS posted 4/13/2018 21:14 PM

You deserve the BEST steak ever after all that! If youíre ever in my neck of the woods, I owe you a steak too!

LtCdrLost posted 4/13/2018 21:31 PM

This is a stretch, but if a man shot you in the back and took your wallet, would you feel emasculated?

I'm not saying it makes any sense, but as I stood in what was our bedroom looking down at what was our marital bed, knowing beyond any shadow of a doubt that my wife had sex with that bastard right there dozens of times while I was a world away, I wanted no more than to kill them both... The black tunnel rage, the helplessness to have prevented it, all just collided, and I had a few very tough minutes.

MidnightRun posted 4/13/2018 21:38 PM

We all understand, and we're here for you.

OM is a snake, absolute scum.

You're 1000% more man than he is.

MrMagnolia posted 4/13/2018 21:57 PM

The emasculated feeling doesn't make sense if you are trying to process it logically. It seems to be a hit on some kind of emotional level primarily. I know the Rage all too well and frankly, it scares the hell out of me.

You are not alone. My D-day came after I had been separated for nearly 9 months and felt I was detached and 85-90 percent better. Then I mindfucked myself by digging stuff up to satisfy a curiosity as I thought I could handle it...

Turns out...I'm a fucking idiot. Logically I don't blame myself. However, I've got all of these damn images of STBXW fucking other men right alongside memories of fucking me and then just normal everyday life with her and the kids and they've somehow been burnt onto the back of my eyelids. Then I'm also wrestling with the fact that were so many indications that this was happening that I couldn't see yet it's all clear in retrospect. Well, it's killing me, to be honest. So many seemingly innocuous things keep triggering me and when they do I can't help but FEEL emasculated even though I don't think of myself that way.

It helps to keep hearing it and thinking it but I guess you just got feel that shit out too. I'm sorry.

[This message edited by MrMagnolia at 9:59 PM, April 13th (Friday)]

Western posted 4/13/2018 22:03 PM

Lt. Commander, You have acted very decisively.

You are a man of your word and a man of execution. I applaud you for that because very few who come on to this board can do that.

I hate seeing stuff like this. You are out serving our country proudly which I greatly appreciate and your wife is doing this.

I am a cop. I go home every night. My job is very, very hard. But I can go home every night. You can't. And that is brutal. I always worry about Navy guys facing this. I have a lot of co-workers who were in the Navy and faced problems but yours seems like it's on steroids compared to them. And half of them are divorced because of infidelity. You put it on the line career wise, your spouses should appreciate every second of that and it doesn't always happen that way.

The way you have handled that has earned my eternal respect.

Please keep us posted.

In the meantime, win this !! I know that sounds stupid. There is no 'winning this'. Make sure you move on and protect your assets and make the best life you can for yourself.

You deserve the best our country can give you. You deserve a great life from here on out.

Continue on your path and the best will come, sir.

MickeyBill2016 posted 4/13/2018 22:20 PM

This is a stretch, but if a man shot you in the back and took your wallet, would you feel emasculated?

Huge stretch. Comparing apples to cinderblocks...

Sanibelredfish posted 4/13/2018 22:29 PM

LCL, a thought just occurred to me, do yourself a favor and donít wade into the the voicemails and texts from your STBXW tonight.

Plenty of time to come for that in the days and weeks ahead.

Unhinged posted 4/13/2018 23:15 PM

Now I'm just another cuckolded husband... Fucking emasculated is how I felt...
Oh, man. Don't even go there. I hate that word. To me, it's like calling someone a nigger or a kike (sorry to have to use those words). I'm a betrayed husband, yes, but I just can't fucking go there. I've had to make the toughest choices of my entire life. To me, like you and so many countless others, infidelity is a deal-breaker. Unfortunately, when my wife cheated, our DS (darling son) had just recently turn four-years-old. Brother, I was already heart-broken, leaving simply wasn't an option for me. I couldn't let my wife break his heart, too. I couldn't do it. I honestly don't think I could have recovered from that, from watching his world blow apart, from missing out on soooo much of his youth, when we all actually love our parents.

I was willing, and occasionally struggle with it, to take the hit for his sake. I knew then, and I still believe to this day, that I have a greater obligation beyond myself. And that's a tough fucking cross to bear, my friend. I'll let others judge for themselves what they think of my decisions and let the naysayers go fuck themselves.

Personally, I never felt emasculated by my wife's fling with a married serial cheater. I never compared myself to him. I never went there. And that's because I think infidelity is a base and self-destructive course of action.

I had a friend. I'd known this guy since the 6th grade. I remained friends with him for about... well, a long fucking time. One evening, while a hanging out with a group of my old HS buddies, this guy was constantly on the phone and always looked deeply concerned about something (we didn't know what). Eventually, he told us. He was having an affair with a married woman who was out-of-town, with her husband, on a weekend get-away for their first anniversary.

Yep. You read that correctly. In that moment, I lost every last bit of respect I'd ever had for him. I saw a man who simply could not be trusted and who had no respect, at all, for anyone or anything. I was speechless and aside form bumping into him once, I have not spoken to him in over a decade and I have no intention of ever doing so again.

So in terms of feeling emasculated. By whom? By him? Pfft. Low-life POS with four kids, his oldest DS a teenager at the time. Imagine how it must of have felt for that trade-showing prowling turd to look into his son's eyes and see loathing.

I've never defined my masculinity by the woman I was with. I've always measured myself, if that's the right word, by other men. Maybe that's because I was played sports in HS and was in the Navy and such.

I know you're feeling a bit unhinged by all of this. We all do. It happens. It's natural and it's as normal as any of this shit could possibly be. Be gentle with yourself, man. Let yourself feel it, embrace it, let it all wash over you until you're a heaping pile of goo on the closet floor. It's the only way to get this out, man. I've read from all sorts of BS here on SI for almost three years and it's never ceased to amaze me just how fucking hard infidelity hits most people. It's off the fucking charts. It's can be a very severe emotional and psychological trauma and one hell of a powerful shock to the ego.

It's not about you, man. Your WW's affair had nothing at all to do with you. I know that because I've read from all sorts of members in all sorts of marriages and relationships and situations and on and on and on and the only thing we all have in common are spouses who were... whatever enough to have an affair(s).

Nothing you did or didn't do, nothing you said or didn't say, would have made the slightest difference in the world. Your WW made her choices all on her own and however much she may have blamed you. there's no fucking reason to blame yourself.

There is no justification for infidelity.

Keep your chin up, Mister. I like to think I'm a good judge of character, too (though perhaps a fool for love). You seem a like a good man to me, if that means anything coming from an old snipe.

Happy Friday.

ETA (edited to add): What's all this about Sandy Eggo? You didn't request some nice desk job training recruits at Great Mistakes in beeeautiful Waulkegan, Illy Noise?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:22 PM, April 13th (Friday)]

MidnightRun posted 4/13/2018 23:21 PM


Do you have family members whom you can talk to? Are you a member of a church? I think someone mentioned the Navy's counseling resources.

Surrounding yourself with friends is good. No man should carry this shit pile alone.

LtCdrLost posted 4/13/2018 23:51 PM

Unhinged, I was only speaking for myself, I apologize if that word touched a nerve for you or anybody else. Sincerely. You have a son, we're childless. I don't know how I'd handle it if there were kids, but it's a completely moot point, nicht wahr?
But I can honestly say I don't recall ever being lower than I was at that moment. Like nothing I've ever done or accomplished, or ever will, is ever going to overcome this, or wipe the feeling away. And now, just 16 hours later I don't feel like that at all. I know by excising this person from my life I can & will move on. I intend to take the PCS and start over just not as a Midshipman or an Ensign, ha ha... But for that few minutes, brother the word "despair" comes nowhere close to where I was at. I was in a black hole. I called it "Black Tunnel Rage". I know I could've committed a couple of murders with no hesitation. I'll never walk into that house again, for any reason. No matter what.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 12:11 AM, April 14th (Saturday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/13/2018 23:54 PM

Midnight, we have counselors and clergy who we're encouraged to speak to about anything which interferes with our mental clarity. I'll be doing that on Monday & Tuesday and then next week. One of the things I discussed yesterday with my CO was that very thing. My family lives nowhere around here.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:53 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

PricklePatch posted 4/13/2018 23:57 PM

If she approaches you tomorrow state in a calm manner, donít want to speak or see you.

If she continues to talk tell her, gee I had steak for dinner. If she keeps speaking tell her, I think it will be grilled chicken tonight. Just basically non answer her.

If she says what can I do? I really prefer chocolate chip cookies to oatmeal.

Basically, Do not get baited in. Another thought is ask her to cease and desist contact except through lawyer. A typed letter so if she continues you get a restraining order.

Tomorrow if approached is about non engagement at work. Officer and gentlemen.

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 00:05 AM

Bingo, PricklePatch. I'm seriously hoping she just doesn't show. But I'm preparing myself that she will. Unfortunately there's no possible way I can not be there.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 12:05 AM, April 14th (Saturday)]

TheGuy123 posted 4/14/2018 00:38 AM

LT, just wanted to thank you for your service.

Went through this infidelity shyt in 10' and it phucking sucked.....but I got through it and so will you.

I would like to welcome you to SD.

Me and you come from different sides of the tracks.
I did my training in county back in the day and had enough run ins with the sheriff I'd like to forget.

Any way...having gone through this bull shyt I can say that no matter your station in life...commander or convict...the betrayal is one tough row to hoe.
Again, the pain does pass and life does get better.

So hang in there and when you are in SD... don't mind splitting a lane on the freeway for a biker....it just might be TheGuy123 heading home from work.

MrMagnolia posted 4/14/2018 06:12 AM


Will there be some of your unit/family with you today?

If not please ask a few of them to be there. That black tunnel rage you speak of is something you can move past and maybe you already have but if there's even a 1/1,000,000 chance that you think it might come back when you see her It's best to be prepared. I am sure you have a better handle on where you are at that I do so perhaps this isn't necessary but it's something you should consider. I'm sure your people will understand and will want to help.

It also helped me the first time I saw STBXW after discovery day (court-ordered mediation and we have 2 kids together) when I just kept telling myself I was collecting information for an article. I visualized typing out what was happening on my computer to post here. It helped me keep all of those primal feelings in check for awhile.

JustWow posted 4/14/2018 06:34 AM

I know it felt like garbage being in your former home. I know it did. And it doesn't need to make sense logically, feelings don't always do that. I think you did a powerful thing by acknowledging and feeling it.

Processing this shitshow called infidelity, a lot of times, involves confronting, feeling and working through crap you never should have had to. I do encourage you to seek support, and am impressed that you already have that on your agenda. Whether one stays with their cheating partner or not, recovering from the trauma of betrayal takes some time and work. You, sir, already have the plan in motion for that.

Just from the short while I have been following your story here, I can tell you no one could possibly emasculate you. You are one of the strongest, most disciplined men I have encountered.

Stay true to your values, they have served you very well.

And thank you, sir, for your service to me and my country. I am extremely proud to be under the protective watch of the likes of you

HouseOfPlane posted 4/14/2018 07:00 AM

But I can honestly say I don't recall ever being lower than I was at that moment. Like nothing I've ever done or accomplished, or ever will, is ever going to overcome this, or wipe the feeling away. And now, just 16 hours later I don't feel like that at all. I
Just a heads up, the ride tends to be a roller coaster that you are riding at night, with lights off, in the fog. The drops can surprise you.

So don't be alarmed if you circle back to that dark place, you're just responding like a normal human. Literally, it's the human-ness in you doing its thing.

Did your unit have a wives club (spouses club these days) and was your wife active?

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