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Home From Deployment to Hell

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Cromer posted 4/10/2018 18:44 PM

Good move. That's how you get him. Had that happen before many times. Once I was the IO for a case about an O-3 whose wife made a complaint about adultery. He used a satphone to talk with AP from Afghanistan many times. The adultery charge was an add-on to the related fraud and misuse charges because they were easier to prove in CM. Good luck to you my friend. I know this sucks and feel for you.

[This message edited by Cromer at 6:46 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

Unhinged posted 4/10/2018 18:48 PM

Does the OM have kids?

You need to check your anger, sir. It's clouding your thinking. I get it. I abso-fucking-lutely get it. Three months after D-day had me seeing a therapist because my own rage scared the shit out me. (He was an anger management specialist, teacher, and an XBH who divorced his unremorseful WW.) Carefully think through the consequences of your actions. I don't honestly know what impact this will have on that third stripe, but ask yourself if you really want to fuck that up. If possible, talk this through with your CO (preferably some old Admiral with lots of stars and even more experience when it comes to shit like this).

Don't make any impulsive decisions. Remember, every battle is won or lost before it's ever fought.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 6:48 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

Wransom1 posted 4/10/2018 18:49 PM

So sorry to hear this. You donít deserve it. The military can take a significant toll on marriage and family. Itís not easy. Best of luck to you...

LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 19:08 PM

I really want to thank you each for taking the time to read and respond, whether I have mentioned you individually below or not. My thinking is coalescing, my resolve is strong...

Antlered, I don't drink alcohol.

Steadychevy, I don't know if exposure in her workplace will screw up her job, but since exposure & humiliation is my only rational course of action, I am going to pursue that.

20yrsago, I'll keep you informed, It is my intention to tighten the focus of two lowlifes.

Pickle, the VAR is excellent advice. I'll do that.

Cooley, I'll make it a priority to outwardly project cool unflappability. I've shared this with an extremely short list of teammates here.

Unhinged, thank you for the sober words, shipmate. Please see my comment to Cooley, above. The third stripe is mine this summer unless I stick my dick in the mashed potatoes...

ICaughtThem, I'll be doing some financial tasks tomorrow, The attorney I hired today gave similar advice.

Rockstar, more sound advice. My rage is internalized. I'll leave no stone unturned in taking a (figurative) pound of flesh from the cocksucker who trespassed into my marriage.

Cromer, Sir I certainly don't wish to in any way detract from the other advice & suggestions I'm getting, but to have a Marine Colonel offering counsel is an unexpected bonus. We have walked in the same boots and I'll bet we've eaten some of the same far-off dirt. Be well, sir.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:19 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

MidnightRun posted 4/10/2018 19:23 PM

You are well-positioned for maximum impact, brewing a tsunami that no wayward would want to face.

I salute your planning.

Her fantasy is about to meet reality.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 7:29 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

Cromer posted 4/10/2018 19:23 PM

What you have on your side is that he's an LPO who wants his khakis, and the Navy is very particular about who gets them. We've both seen 20-year E-6's who didn't make the cut even though they are great Sailors/Marines, but it's that competitive. If he were an E-3, I'd be less likely to go after him than a career Sailor who is a competitive E-6. What you also have going for you is that you are an O-4, which gives weight at the senior level. If it were one of my field grades, I'd have an IO on this in a heartbeat, and be happy to use whatever evidence you have. Again, it depends on your command. A career EM banging an officer's wife is especially bad for good order and discipline.

What you absolutely must NOT do is in any way tarnish yourself. The mistake I've seen most often with officers is they do things that are unbecoming in manner and deportment, which is legalish for being an ass when they should take the high ground as an officer.

With all of that said, your life will get better, especially when you put on those silver leaves. Maybe you'll have a sweet young thing in your life who will pin them on you. You will recover from this and move on to a better place. Believe me, been there, done that.

We've probably chewed a lot of the same ground and probably from some of the same ships. Keep your head up shipmate.

LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 19:38 PM

"Don't worry about motivation... Motivation is Fickle. It comes and goes. It is unreliable and when you're counting on motivation to make your goals a reality, you will probably fall short.
So don't expect to be motivated every day to get out there and make things happen. You won't be.
Don't count on Motivation.
Count on Discipline.
You know what you have to do.
You do that with discipline.
Everybody wants some magic pill, Some "Life Hack" that eliminates the need to do the work.
But that doesn't exist.
No. You've got to do the work.
You've got to hold the line. You've got to MAKE IT HAPPEN.
So Dig In.
Find the Discipline.
Be the Discipline.
ACCOMPLISH. That's it."

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:20 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

fareast posted 4/10/2018 20:12 PM

Wise words indeed.

reallyscrewedup7 posted 4/10/2018 20:25 PM

LCL - Former Navy doc (O-4 too, but 2105) here, but that was a million years ago. Your decisiveness is admirable. For the life of me, I have no idea why people are telling you to back off the OM. We all know the worst that will happen is he won't make E-7 with this is in his jacket, so it is not like you are starving his kids. Besides, he not only deserves the hammer, but also for being stupid asshole to do this to a deployed fellow sailor is fucking unforgivable. FUCKING UNFORGIVABLE. There are POSOMs and there are Judases.

Truthfully, shock and awe on your cheating wife is an effective play. But be prepared for two things. First, she is going to spin stories on you. Expect claims of abuse, neglect, you left the toilet seat up, whatever. They ALL do this shit to justify the fact that they are less-than-moral humans. And second, she will likely love bomb you. The instant you let her into the door of your BOQ, she'll drop her clothes and try to knock you off your game. Neither may happen, but be prepared brother.

The other thing is you are going to cycle through emotions and rapidly. You'll wonder if you should give her another chance? If you were too hard? If this or if that. Back to rage. Back to doubt. All within ten minutes. That is normal. And it sucks.

Stay the course and watch what she does. Be prepared for counterattacks and that your defenses WILL drop. The good news is that now you are going to be calling the shots. Use this position wisely.

Blessings and peace to you.
Go Navy.

HouseOfPlane posted 4/10/2018 20:42 PM

Fucking bitch, trying to cut my heart out...
LCL, this is a mistake most/all BS make. They think it is about them when they find out. That she had your heart in mind and was virtually stabbing it while she was doing what she was doing. Like you were front & center in it.

You weren't. You were the supporting actor in her play, off screen. Maybe that hurts more to see it that way, but it is likely more truthful, and this isn't the moment for bullshit.

I'm giving you some alternate thoughts here, as you spin up for Friday. I was a Navy brat who watched my dad deploy many, many times and know the drill of watching the family separate and come together, and a 30 year vet myself (O6 aviator) who watched my peers and then my charge go through this crap. Nine deployments is an insane op-tempo. She broke, is my take on it. Eight maybe was fine, the ninth and she caved. Or it was a long time coming, I don't know. I do know that the mil can be brutal on marriages, and asks far more than almost any other profession of its spouses.

Again, I wouldn't worry too much about revenge and all that. There is next to nothing you could possibly do to ease the pain and humiliation to come when you leave her, even if you hand her a dozen roses while you do it. Even if only the two of you know. Oh, it's coming to her. If you read on here, you'll know it has led to many mental breakdowns and even suicide attempts. The truth can be a hard thing to face.

The E6? If the wardroom of his unit finds out...I guess the BRAC'd Adak.

My advice again is to let her go as softly as possible. Trying to R is staying attached, but so is seeking revenge.

And stand by, the ride is just beginning...

Sending strength!

PricklePatch posted 4/10/2018 20:46 PM

San Diego is one of my favorite places in America. A transfer there sounds perfect. New start, new place, less triggers.

Jameson1977 posted 4/10/2018 20:53 PM

Great post reallyscrewedup7. LtCdrLost, thank you for your service and so sorry to read your story. As reallyscrewedup7 said, to do this to a man that is serving his country is simply deplorable. Just wanted to send you a quick note as reading your post was tough, but it sounds like you have a solid plan. Take care LtCdrLost.

Western posted 4/10/2018 20:57 PM

Lt. Commander,

First of all, thank you for your service to our country. Nowadays it doesn't mean shit to a lot of these young people. It means everything in the world to me. I couldn't get into the military because I came out of college in 1991 and they were downsizing but I tried but then told me I had to be an 'accountant'. So instead I invested myself as being a cop in one of the most dangerous areas in the country for 24 years. God bless you sir.

I don't blame you one bit. Your wife betrayed you, your trust and is not worthy of you.

Use Jag, get the best divorce attorney and scorch her ass into the ground.

My only words of advice is to be careful and not let anger trigger you, let anger consume you and be devious and make the most of your opportunities in destroying the OM and your wife. They deserve nothing. Make them pay for their hell.

Keep us updated and while I am not military, I salute you anyway. Good job so far sir.

Does she have any clue ? Is that douchebag still living in your house ?

[This message edited by Western at 8:59 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 21:00 PM

Prickle, I love it there too. I requested east coast duty at the time for the sake of having her closer to family.
Would this all be different if I was a corporate type, or an attorney or an engineer? I'll never know the answer to that.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:20 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 21:03 PM

Reallyscrewed, thanks for the heartfelt comment. I'm going to see the full weight of military justice fall on him, and I'm going to shed not one tear for the aftershocks in his life. I know it probably would've been someone else if not him, but it was HIM. He fucked my wife for at least the past six months. There's going to be a price paid for that. Officially and within the system, but by HIM.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:27 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 21:06 PM

HouseOfPlane, you might be familiar with the term "Khaki Mafia" in the Navy. I'll be buying the CMC of his squadron lunch on Saturday. If that turd ever puts on khaki in this man's Navy, I'll staple my face to the living room carpet & wear a dress to Church...

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:28 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 21:10 PM

Western, he's been in my house multiple times, including documented overnights but as far as could be discerned by surveillance, has not actually lived there. I'm sure the bastard fucked my whore wife in the marital bed. I don't even want to go back there except to get my possessions. BTW, I have the anger almost completely internalized. I believe I can vent some here, so I have. And will continue to do so.

MidnightRun posted 4/10/2018 21:11 PM


The deployment ritual (and the miscarriages) is likely to be the first line of defense, but remember there's absolutely no excuse for infidelity.

LtCdrLost posted 4/10/2018 21:12 PM

And she has no clue. Friday is going to be D-Day.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:29 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

HouseOfPlane posted 4/10/2018 21:14 PM

you might be familiar with the term "Khaki Mafia" in the Navy
Unlike our USMC friend who probably hung out with Chesty Puller at the O Club during WWII, I only retired a couple of years ago.

Sea story...I still remember the memorial service for one of our student naval aviators who flew his A4 into the dirt, and everyone was sad, but the YN3 from admin (married) was absolutely distraught with wracking sobs...say what? They even know each other? Ohhhh....

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