SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time posting, and so glad to find this site. My D-Day was March 26 & was definitely a shocker.

To begin, my H was adopted at 4 yo into a great family. Always knew he had other siblings & knew we'd look into finding some of them. In October, one of his bio sisters contacted him. Spent hours on the phone, laughing & talking. Learned to video chat, made plans to visit. AP visited us in February. After the visit, the videos turned sexual & affair became physical when we visited her home town in March. One night when there, I thought I'd surprised them in each other's arms at our hotel, but H denies. Later, they told me they were going to go to a hang out (which AP showed us earlier that day) & talk & laugh. AP wouldn't look me in the eye, so I knew something was up. (This is when they went to a hotel & became physical.)

I was suspicious & knew I could check WS phone at some point when we got home. In the mean time, trip to visit another of the siblings was planned for the 2 of them.

WH left phone on coffee table about 2 weeks after our trip. I found videos of AP that left little to the imagination & texts for the plans to continue the physical portion during the trip to the sibling's hometown. Notes that they didn't have to spend much time with the other sibling, but time in bed together. AP is married. Told H that she's only had 1 other affair. H doesn't seem to think that testing for STDs is needed.

Beyond the pain of finding out about the EA & PA, trying to deal with the betrayal by a family member. Still deciding if we should stay together or not. Haven't disclosed to any family members to keep the collateral damage low.

Started IC & told WS he had to to IC before we could start to think about MC.

Still reeling from the pain, anger, depression, etc. We've been married 31 years. WH said this is worst mistake he's ever made, but wasn't thinking of me/kids/marriage at all. AP sent me an email to apologize & said she didn't count the cost & wants good to come of this.

I told WH that he had to tell AP that she needs to tell her BH. He did, but she said that he's too depressed & not sure it's a good idea. (After these last 2 paragraphs, I'm sooooo angry.)

Still not thinking clearly & still having problems with the mind movies. Triggers are still there & don't know if my brain will ever get back to the place where I can make a decision.

Through reading other posts here, I realize the behaviors of the WS & AP. Helps to know that I'm not alone, but still hasn't taken away the hurt. Still counting on time to do some work, but have a long way to go.

Thanks for listening.

Welcome to SI.

The ap is his bio sister? Is that legal?

Normally, one BS tells the OBS. Relying on the WSes can lead to minimization and other lies.

The first few months or so are awful. Take your time. Breathe. Drink lots of water, but not alcohol. Eat, sleep if you can. Move your body/exercise. Feel your feelings ... that generally means lets yourself cry, feel angry, scared, ashamed, the whole shebang.

You might look for a good IC to help.

Do you know if you want to D or R or wait until you have more data and/or get your bearings?

I suggest browsing the forums and the Healing Library - the link is in the yellow box in the upper left of SI pages. The HL opens to 'BS FAQs'; there are links to other sections above the first FAQ.

I know you feel awful now. Rest assured you can survive and thrive. Again, welcome to SI.

Thank you for the kind words. I've started IC & the therapist (who also teaches at the college) says this is the first time he's heard this twist.

No, it isn't legal. It's a felony in both states. Because I'm having obsessive thoughts, I checked the state laws in case he's lying about it happening here. WH said it didn't get physical till we visited AP's hometown.

Just trying to get through the days can be problematic. Reading the advice here has been helpful, such as taking the time for myself & what questions to ask - and those not to ask.

They both seem pretty calm about the possibility of people finding out that brother and sister had sex.

You would think that both of them would be on their knees begging you not to tell anyone. The law wouldn't bother me as much as people finding out I had sex with my sister.

[This message edited by Michigan at 5:58 PM, April 21st (Saturday)]

He had an incestuous relationship with his biological sister. That is disturbing on so many levels; I am totally stunned. I hope you have told him he cannot have any further contact with this woman. Ever. He knew this woman was his sister, he slept with her while you were there with him, and he made plans to continue. If he had not been caught, he probably would still be in the A. I would consider telling his other sibling. There is no reason for you to make a decision about whether to D or R now. Take your time. You are a lot stronger than me, I am not sure I could get past this.

Welcome to the greatest bunch of folks that you never wanted to meet. I'm sorry that you're here.

You've started well: You haven't decided whether to R(econcile) or D(ivorce) yet. You know that IC for both of you is required before you can begin MC. Honestly, he'll need more than 4 to 6 visits to his IC to work back to what allowed him to think that having an A was a good answer to any question that could be asked. This can take a while.

It also sounds like you know that, before a MC can be effective, that both parties entering into the counseling have to be all-in on being truthful and open with the MC. That's just like going to the doctor and complaining that you have a sore throat when you want the doc to fix your broken leg. If you leave with your leg still broken, well, you can't expect the doc to be a mind reader. You have to tell professionals what the problem is, fully, openly, and truthfully, before you can expect them to be able to help.

If you read in The Healing Library (yellow box, upper left) you can find the BS FAQ. Item 11, The 180, is a tool to help you distance yourself from the problem a bit to allow you to think more objectively about the problem and how your W(andering)H(usband) is acting. Cheaters lie to cheat and they keep lying to "avoid hurting you" when they're really lying to make things easier on themselves. Cheating is a wholly selfish way of thinking. You have to get used to the idea that your WH can be wholly selfish, which might be foreign to you. Also in The Healing Library are a lot of links to online Articles and Book titles that are good. You should read in The Healing Library a lot. Knowledge is power.

Another thing to remember is that the choice to have an A is 100% the choice of the cheater. You did not do anything that "pushed" him into the A. He had other choices, like 1) walking out and filing for D, 2) demanding counseling for the two of you, 3) talking to you about any problems.

And an A is not a mistake. It took a long series of _choices_ to have an A. Each step was a choice. A mistake is forgetting the milk when you go to the store. An A is not a single mistake.

Your H's sibling is already protecting herself over her H by not telling him. Don't let that attitude rub-off onto your H. And, if you do decide to R, then going No Contact with that sibling (and perhaps that whole side of the family) is going to be a requirement. You cannot heal while that sibling is still around. IMHO, anyway.

You might think about keeping your posts in this thread for a while. If you do then new readers can read your first post and get your story and then jump to the last page to get your current status. Not a requirement, by any means, but it helps people helping you.

Also, when reading on SI "take what you need and leave the rest." Some other posters are still very raw and you might read a few posts exhorting you to "D, now!" or that seem particularly angry or demanding. Do not take it personally. Mostly that is like a person watching a horror movie and shouting at the screen, "Not in the attic! Call the police, now!" or similar.

Lastly,

Drink - water or juice, and no alcohol for a while. You need to stay hydrated and alcohol is a depressant.

Eat - food of some kind, even if it is protein bars and vegetable or fruit snacks throughout the day. You need to keep your strength up and your electrolytes in balance so that you can think properly. Ensure, Muscle Milk, smoothies, and Gatorade are your friends if you can't seem to keep food down.

Sleep - as much as possible. Melatonin is an over-the-counter sleep aid that helps you to be drowsy but doesn't knock your ass flat out.

Doctor - if you are having particular troubles with drink, eat, sleep advice a doctor can help. You also need to be screened for with a full-screen STD set of tests. Advise them of the A and tell them that you want to be tested for everything. Chlamydia, trichomonas (sp?), Hep A, B, and C. HPV. HIV. Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV) 1 and 2, gonorrhea, syphilis, and anything else that they can think of. Your H needs to be tested, too, and you might think about going with him to make sure that he doesn't lie about why he needs to be tested.

Honestly, you're doing well at reacting to this. Learn, read, and remember knowledge is power. Carefully think about seeing a Lawyer to at least know your rights in your State.

Lastly, check with your and his workplaces to see if either of you have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program). Many workplaces do and you can get some free IC / MC visits and/or recommendations for a Lawyer from the EAP. They're handled by an outside firm and don't report specifics back to your workplace. Naturally, any doctors that you see will at least show up on your workplace insurance, most likely.

Are you certain that they are brother and sister ? It may be a creepy cover story to throw you off of their trail. Yes, I have become VERY suspicious of EVERYTHING since finding out about my wife's affairs.

Having sex with his own sister shows that he is really a sick soul.

Maintain some self respect and get a divorce.

Your hubby's AP is his sister? He had sex with his sister and you want to stay married to him?

I think the betrayal is secondary here. Sleeping with one's own sibling is just too sick to deal with.

Trying to stick with the not making any major decisions until I know what I want to do.

He had an affair with somebody he met about 6 months ago. Does the fact that it's a sibling make much difference? (It would if they had been raised together.) Yes, they're siblings - pictures & family resemblance is strong.

Not to say that the theory is morally right, but there is something they're calling "genetic sexual attraction" for siblings who meet as adults.

In the past 3 years, I've lost my mom, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law and my job. (New job within a month, so that part is ok.) Although the kids are adults, do I want to detonate this bomb on their lives? Not sure that I want to do that. Plus, I want to make sure that the decisions made are the right ones for our situation.

Trying to go no contact, but it's been difficult with all the family members from across the country wanting to meet each other.

Duplicate post. deleted content.

[This message edited by leafields at 9:27 AM, April 22nd (Sunday)]

Duplicate content. deleted.

[This message edited by leafields at 9:28 AM, April 22nd (Sunday)]

I'm sorry you have to be here. Take it slow until you can decide what to do. I'm doing the same thing. It feels ridiculous not knowing what to do, but you love him and have been with him a long time and until you found out about this you were in a working marriage that you thought was going to last (at least that's my short story), so it's no wonder that you don't know what to do, this is a lot of information to take in.

Like Devotedman said, you'll have to take it with a grain of salt when people sound harsh and say to D right now! I've had the same stuff on my own post, and while that's not what I came here for I am getting the support I came here for somany working with it

I’ve heard if this happening. Typically the idea of sibling intercourse is disturbing because we’ve been raised with our siblings and, well...ewww gross. But your WH has longed to meet his siblings....strangers. He’s probably fantasized about the perfect reunion and felt the profound sense of loss at the absence. They don’t know each other as siblings. I can totally see the psychological mechanisms that permit this to occur.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this leafields, and you are right...treat this like any other affair. As such, you must tell the obs (her husband)...and for now, limit contact with the other family members. Have your husband send a note or you field their calls and simply tell them all the excitement has been to much for your WH and he needs time to process. Ask that they give him 6 months to digest all that has occurred (meaning finding his family).

The obs needs to know so he can deal with his own marriage but also handle the No Contact on his end. Perhaps this is something you two can work through...and naybe it isn’t. Either way, it’s your decision and there are many factors that will figure into that choice.

Keep posting, keep reading. You have a solid handle on your situation. Don’t forget to practice self care...and see your doctor if you’re struggling with sleep, anxiety or depression.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:43 PM, April 21st (Saturday)]

Oh boy, I didn't think much could shock me anymore but this one did. You poor soul. I agree with Michigan, I can't believe they are not begging you to keep the secret. I have no words to help you but I will keep you in my thoughts.

Welcome to SI.

There's no way I would keep this a secret.

Her husband needs to know what happened as do other family members.

If it means he loses his long lost family, so be it.

Actions have consequences, and honestly, their actions make me want to .

Their secret is NOT your burden to bear.

Take care of yourself as best as you can. I am so sorry that what should have been a wonderful family reunion turned so very ugly.

He had an affair with somebody he met about 6 months ago. Does the fact that it's a sibling make much difference?

It does not make a difference in that betrayal is betrayal. But, a "normal" mentally healthy person would have an aversion (most likely due to societal norms) to having sex with his/her sibling.

My H (before we met) was dating a woman for a few months. She went to "slip into something more comfortable". While he was waiting, he picked up her photo album and saw a photo of his dad. He asked her who he was and when she told him that man was her father, he told her that she was his sister. Although they were obviously attracted to each other, they ended it because they were siblings.

I also heard of a couple that had been married for years and when the wife went to her H's family reunion, she saw her dad there and found that they were siblings. They divorced because of it.

Even though I did hear that attraction happens between siblings that have not been raised together (even with parents and their children) to act on that attraction (when the biological relationship is known) is disturbing and not healthy.

Genetic Sexual Attraction

GSA

It’s real

Educate yourself about it and he needs to see an IC as soon as possible.

Although the kids are adults, do I want to detonate this bomb on their lives?

Your WH already did this. The shock wave just hasn't reached them yet.

You need to tell the OBS, since it is the right thing to do. He deserves to be able to make his own decisions that affect his life. Don't be complicit in helping keep their lies secret.

And can I just say "Ewwwwww, gross"? I can't even begin to imagine the number of mental issues that both of them need to work through where they thought that would be OK. That's a whole 'nother level of fucked up.

What are your plans going forward?