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WS's in LTA's need to understand that a BS ends up questioning everything during the LTA, for me it's 5 years, you feel like you were robbed of that time- if you had known you could have done something different with your life. Every event is called into question, every kiss, every I love you, everything. You do count it to how many days were spent lying to your face- and the magnitude of an LTA is mind blowing- I just can't wrap my head around the ability of someone to lie day in and day out to carry on, to just not care about the consequences. For me it was too much, at first I though it was a recent A, then he finally came clean and the 5 years was just to much- friends and family were supportive of R when we thought it was just recent- the amount of time just calls into question who the WS is- I say I am not divorcing the man I married that man stopped existing 5 years ago, someone else took over that body. it's incomprehensible how easily you can betray someone you say you love for that long - you stole years of their lives.

Your wife is struggling and believe when I say that she does not believe that she has the full truth. She does not feel like you are giving her all the answers and she does believe you are holding f things back.

You need to approach her and tell her you are willing to answer every question you can with honesty and try never to say I don’t know.

You need to lose the defensiveness and really own your hair.

I know how she is feeling because we are in the same boat as many others here dealing with an LTa is.

It is the biggest mind fuck you can do to a person.

She has no idea what the reality of her m is. None of her m feels real to her. She will see no memory as real and every one of those memories will be tainted with “but he was doing f this or that”

She is likely looking at phone records for proof that her memories aren’t real because she will see that when she was feeling close to you or you two were Manning memories together that there was a third person involved all along.

She will never look at you the same again and she will never have the m that she wanted but if you do the work and make the changes to become a safe partner that makes her and her needs top priority, you may get the gift of r and you can rebuild a new, better m.

Are you willing to do the work?

Hi Abe,

The comments you have received so far have been valid responses, even the harsh ones. 15 years is a long time to cheat and if your marriage is going to survive, you have a LONG road ahead...

BUT

I would like to try to give you some hope and encouragement. You are here seeking help, that is a good step. You have gone NC and not broken it. That’s another good step. You are in both IC and MC; another good step. After doing a lot of things wrong, you are now doing some things right. And as long as your wife has not filed for divorce there is hope. It’s a long road, it is difficult, there will be hard consequences to your life. But she is still there so there is still hope.

Be humble and completely truthful. Keep fighting the good fight one day at a time.

Best wishes,

Marcy.

I know my wife is struggling and I have made her life miserable in many ways, I have owned up to everything and answered all her questions honestly, I am going to take a lie detector test to try and show her I am being honest and hopefully make her feel better. I know this will not be easy and will take a long time but I am willing to put in the hard work for as long as it takes. I have made everything I do open to her phone, computer, phone tracking, everything, and I encourage her to check on me often. Hopefully I will be able to do enough to someday become a safe partner for again. Marcy70 thank you for the encouragement and hope, I know I deserve the 2x4 to the side of the head and harsh responses but it means a lot to me that people are willing to try and give me help and encouragement to try and become a better person and partner.

I do love my wife very much and never loved the OW,

Gently -- this isn't accurate. You didn't love either one of them and were self-centered the entire time. Uncovering why this is will be central to your own healing and ability to change. It will be immensely difficult and painful to fully sift through yourself, but it will be worth it. Keep working hard in IC as it is foundational to your own path forward and is a key component for your wife to ever be able to trust you again.

I hope someone talks to her about IC to help her heal from this and her past and to help her to identify those people that are dangerous to her. You abuse a woman you knew had abuse in her last. What’s worse is you went to the effort to convince her you were safe and she could trust you.I imagine she not only feels traumatized by you but that she betrayed herself. She let you in and let you convince her you were worthy.

Also, how does she react when you tell her every morning that you are happy for the chance to wake up with her one more day and call her beautiful? You may want to ask her? At this point in my head, sometimes out loud, my response was along the lines oh yeah right, did you say that to her too? Do you say beautiful so that you don’t slip and say the wrong name. I had also asked, before this point that he stop saying “I love you” because he hadn’t and I didn’t believe he meant it.

I know she struggles every day and it just kills me to know I have done this to her, there is no excuse for what I have done and I know I deserve all the harsh comments. I am trying to do everything I can to fix myself and to show her that I'm truly trying, just hoping to maybe get a little help from people who have been thru it and came out the other side.

abelincon - I can hear in your tone that you are lost and searching for someone to help you. In reality you know that only you can help yourself but when one is lost, taking information from those that walked before you helps.

I'm not going to tell you what you already know so let me try to frame this up from the betrayed's perspective. Your BS needs to know she's safe. Right now, she doesn't feel safe because she has no idea how you could lie for so long and pretend. She needs to see real change and by that I mean that you are working hard, oh so hard, to find out not only why you did this, but are digging deep to see your true self.

Then she wants to know that you will put in at least as much if not more effort into her and into your M. The proof she has now is that you were willing to lie and pretend for a good part of your M. The fact that she's been through a lot and you could inflict more injury makes her feel very isolated. How does she know that more of the same won't happen? If you tell her you are done with your AP, how does she know? Her history with you tells her you are willing to lie.

So it is a real dilemma for the BS because everything is turned upside down. Your job is to figure out how you can reform in a way that makes you live your life with integrity. After that you have to be willing to see her, to hear her, and to sacrifice for her and for the new relationship you want with her.

Is this something you want?

What are your next steps? What are you willing to do to change and to work to prove your love to her and for her? Are you willing not only to take the 2 x 4's here, but from her? How long are you willing to try?

Abe it's a long road and so be prepared. Everything is like starting over again. This is your big opportunity to be the best version of yourself possible.

Some people like living two lives but I think it's very draining keeping that up. The freedom of being released from keeping secrets is a renewal. You will learn who you really are.

Maybe your wife wonders if the OW got the best part of you. Your OW hung in there a long time with you as well so you must have given her enough to keep staying in the A for so many years.

abelincon,

The pain you have caused your wife is beyond your realm of comprehension. Your selfish actions and capacity to deceive have made her question years of her life, memories jaded, what was real? Anything? Moments in time which brought happiness upon reflection vanish in the blink of an eye thanks to your actions. Years taken. All this compounded by the fact she had previously endured a lot of trauma including betrayal, despite which she chose to open herself up and trust you. My heart aches for her.

You have put yourself first and chosen yourself for 15 years, it is time to choose your wife, in all your decisions, make her and her healing your number one priority. Every action, every decision, ask yourself if this is good for your wife? It is her turn to be your top priority. The fact she has shown you the degree of grace she has by continuing to wake up next to you after what you have put her through is nothing short of miraculous and an incredible gift. Take it as such and respond accordingly.

If you are serious in your posts, that you want to help her heal, than initiate a conversation about your A, own it and ask her what she needs of you, be vulnerable, dig deep and look in the mirror to figure out how you were a person who could do this to someone you profess to love. Show her with your actions that she is your priority, words are empty and she has 15 years of lies to back up her beliefs that your words mean nothing. Your capacity to lie and betray supports her position to no longer believe anything that comes out of your mouth. Don't lie about anything, nothing.I find lying comes so easily to so many waywards. Lying about little, insignificant things. Why? Be truthful in all you do.

Your wife deserves so much more than what you have given her, but you can't change the past. You can however decide who you want to be moving forward. Who knows if, after what you have made your wife endure, if it will be enough, only time will tell.

I wish your wife healing.