SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have posted here a few times so guess its time I told my story. I am a wayward spouse and had a 15+ year affair with a woman I dated years before, my wife did not know this woman but she knew of her just from conversations we have had about our past life. It has been 10 months since the affair was discovered and has been a daily struggle for my wife to deal with so many years of cheating, lying, hiding, everything that I have done. I have been going to individual counseling and we together have been going to marriage counseling. I really appreciate the fact that she is willing to do this and not just say screw you. I am really trying to get my head screwed on straight and figure out how I could have done this to a woman that has loved me and been there for me through many years of marriage. We have had had ups and downs as any marriage does but I know there is no excuse for all the years of cheating and lying. My wife has a history of abuse in her childhood and an ex husband that cheated and it was a struggle for her to give me the trust and love it takes to be in a relationship with another person. I really don't know what part of me said it was OK to betray this trust but I did and hopefully I can figure it out before it is to late. I have had no contact with the other woman since discovery day and will never have any contact with her again, I know this was the most stupid idiotic thing I have ever done and just don't know how to go about fixing it if it can be fixed at all. Counseling has been helpful some sessions good and some hard as hell, guess if it will help me understand why I allowed myself to do this it's well worth the effort. I am really trying to make this better for her but I know it is a lot to ask to give me the chance to prove I am really trying and want to fix my issues and become a better person. I would appreciate any input, a 2x4 to the side of the head or anything else.

I'm sorry, but I don't find a lot of positive aspects to your post. You didn't even confess - but your affair was discovered - how?

15 years of her life were a complete lie.

I imagine your BW is wondering what is wrong with HER. She was abused as a child and cheated on in an earlier marriage - and then you came along and victimized her again. In her mind, she sees the common denominator as herself. She probably sees herself as flawed, and unworthy of a normal, decent, and good life.

Can you see this?

Is there anything you can possibly do to change her POV? I don't know.

15 years? This wasn't an affair....you were cheating WITH your W on your ex. Your ex was your primary partner, took up more space in your head than your "wife".

If she were here telling her story, I'd encourage her to divorce you, to take you to the cleaners and to announce to the world what you did.

You've absolutely destroyed her, and you really have no idea how worthless she feels.

No stop sign, so......

As a BS whose WH did essentially the same thing (9-yr PA w/old girlfriend), it seems the phrase that has resonated most is that our entire reality is completely shattered. We don’t trust you. We want to, and then kick ourselves when we realize we let our guard down. We want to feel safe, and normal. But you are not safe. And there is no more normal. We’ve all been thru tough stuff, my children have experienced sexual assault. But this has been 1000x worse than that pain.

I hope you have TRUTHFULLY answered every question. If you told her I don’t remember, but you later remember, it’s your job to set the record straight. Immediately. And to dig as deep as you can into the recesses of your memory to get her the info she’s asked for. Don’t make her play Nancy Drew. And of course, if there is ANY other EA/PA you must disclose. Immediately. Read joseph’s Letter.

If she’s asked you to bring up the A, you need to do it. She is ALWAYS thinking about it, even when it’s a”good” moment, it’s there. Don’t make her be the one to bring it up, to feel like she’s the only one shouldering it.

Tell her what you are feeling. All the time. We need to see that you are processing and changing. Tell her you love her and WHY. “I love you” isn’t the same… Even “I love you because you are a kind and caring person“ may not be met with a great response, but you are still putting good stuff into the Love tank/marble jar/whatever metaphor you like. Same goes for apologies. “I’m sorry” does not cut it. What exactly are you sorry for? Tell her. Show her.

And -of course- figure yourself out. Let go of the outcome. Know that you must work on yourself. If possible, let her know that she will be financially secure if you S/D. Don’t just talk about being a better H - BE a better H. Dont lie about ANYTHING. Ever. One little lie sets us back miles.

I recently read something that wasn’t about infidelity, but really resonated.

When you honor what you have, you honor what I’ve lost.

With an A, I feel this means a WS must honor the gift of the BS staying and trying to recover - reconcile with WS. When a WS truly honors that, they are also honoring all the BS lost (innocence, their “special” M, self esteem, self respect, dignity, their memories, their desire for justice, dignity, reality, etc). Google the high price of forgiveness. Justice is a doozy.

I’ll assume you’ve read the healing library. Read it again. Read the many posts on what is lost by an A.

I highly recommend journaling. It can be a good way to process your stuff on your time.

It seems to me that when a WS thinks about how bad their choices screwed things up, they limit it to losing the M. Which is true IMO, as your old M was dead the minute the A began. You knew it, but your BS did not. Losing the M is just the tip of the iceberg. The BS has lost their very reality, and with a LTA, it’s unimaginable and horrifying. We are trying to process YEARS of thinking we lived on earth- with our WS at our side. Turns out we were really living on mars-while WS was eating cake with their AP. The WS KNEW it, but lied and deceived us. It is A LOT to just wrap our head around - and then actually process our new reality AND the years we thought were real.

Finally, you didn’t do this to just your BS. You did it to your kids, your friends, your family, your community, and - importantly- to yourself. You led yourself and everyone close to you to believe you were someone that was honest/trustworthy. That valued fidelity. Instead, you made the most selfish choices a person can make (other than suicide). And you did that for a VERY long time.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:41 PM, June 18th (Monday)]

Dumb question, but why bother staying married during a 15 year affair? Your wife was never truly your wife. You were not in a real marriage. I can't imagine coming back from something like that. It would be really hard to know that 15 year of my life had been a total lie. My BS was gutted by my 4 month affair. I just don't know how you move on and go forward after 15 years. Not just your wife, but you. It kind of seems pointless.

Why are you staying in the marriage now and why did the affair end?

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:24 AM, June 18th (Monday)]

My wife's affair covered a little over six years, over two years of an EA and 4 years of it a PA.

I'm not still around because of any kind of a scorecard of 30 'good' years versus about 7 'bad' years -- I am looking at what my wife's actions to make it worth my time today.

You have to address your malfunction.

Why did you need validation from someone else for so long? Where was your empathy for your wife? Do you have any empathy for her now or are you just sorry you got caught? Are you trying to change to because you WANT to or because you HAVE to?

Why SHOULD she stay (what are your actions, each and everyday to work on the marriage)?

Those are among the questions your wife is asking herself right now, and if they aren't answered -- she will know it is not worth her time.

Dumb question, but why bother staying married during a 15 year affair?

My thoughts exactly. This is really the part of A's I don't understand, and when one lasts this long, WHY STAY MARRIED?

The only reason I can think of is that you didn't really & truly love your AP or you would have left your BS. AND why in God's green earth would your AP tolerate being in second place all those years? Sorry, I just can't wrap my head around this.

The only reason I can think of is that you didn't really & truly love your AP or you would have left your BS.

More than likely he was just selfish. He liked having both. Fun on the side, and a stable wife to come home to. Really and truly loving someone in this scenario seems pretty slim, for either the AP or the wife. If you really and truly loved someone, then you would be with them fully. The only person a cheater really and truly loves is themselves.

Pinkpiggyexactly. It is about him being wanted by two woman. Key word woman. Not his wife. Not the AP that he pines for. Which honestly, says alot to me that you are not crazy hurt by breaking it off with someone you have been with for 15 years. Is there another AP? He didn't make one statement about how he felt for either of them on an emotional level. Just

how I could have done this to a woman that has loved me and been there for me through many years of marriage.

It doesn't sound like you love your wife. You just like having woman love you.

I really appreciate the fact

is a statement really devoid of any emotion. You appreciate it? The post lacks any attachment to either of them. Tells me that you view them as objects to fill your needs and not people that have their own needs, hopes, and dreams.

GoldenR I tried to send you a PM but your mailbox is full.

I had no idea I was that popular. Lol. Looking into that right now.

Guess I just don't know how to go about this, I know I have hurt my wife more than I can even comprehend. I do love my wife very much and never loved the OW, I am trying to show her in every way I can think of that I am trying to fix myself and be a good person, she sometimes feels like she is drowning and I try to say and do things that will make her feel better. I have answered all of her questions truthfully and am as open and transparent about everything I do as I can possibly be. I'm really ashamed of what I have done and try to not let my shame get in the way of understanding how many ways this has effected her and being truly empathetic and showing I do love her. Was just hoping for some help to try and figure out how to fix myself and hopefully my marriage.

I can tell you from a BS perspective, that beyond all of the detail questions like who, when, how long, and why, the main question I needed my WH to answer is how was this acceptable to you? Especially in a long term affair where he went back over and over, claims he never loved her, texted/emailed daily, kept her informed of our family vacations, etc., how was this double life acceptable to him? The why is important, but for me, the "how" question is more important. It is essentially the question, "who are you, really?" I think good independent counseling aimed at answering this question would go a long way toward healing for your BS.

edited to add this:

This question is essential to my deciding whether the marriage is salvageable. Because it is NOT NORMAL for a husband to carry on a long term affair (15 years?!) with someone he does not love, all the while being married to a wife he claims to love deeply. There is some screwed up thinking going on for all of those years, in my opinion. As well as some views about monogamy that I would want to know about. Just my two cents.

[This message edited by Ddayoct2015 at 5:39 PM, June 24th (Sunday)]

I just wanted to say I agree with Ddayoct2015.

how was this double life acceptable to him? The why is important, but for me, the "how" question is more important. It is essentially the question, "who are you, really?" .......

This question is essential to my deciding whether the marriage is salvageable. Because it is NOT NORMAL for a husband to carry on a long term affair (15 years?!) with someone he does not love, all the while being married to a wife he claims to love deeply. There is some screwed up thinking going on for all of those years, in my opinion. As well as some views about monogamy that I would want to know about.

I wonder if this is important for the BS in any/most LTA; for me, it's a big factor in the large dose of shattered reality; nothing during the period WS was in contact with OW (whether "friends", EA, or PA) seems "real" to the BS ... so a large chunk of their life is kind of a void (and I guess the larger the "chunk", the larger the void).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 3:06 AM, June 26th (Tuesday)]

The magnitude of the dishonesty is almost incomprehensible. Dishonesty is your default, your "normal". Being honest is abnormal for you. Can you really continue to behave abnormally? It would be like a right-handed person deciding to become left handed.

People spend years fixing the damage from a 3 - month A. If you figure a year of healing for each month of betrayal, you're looking at something along the lines of 180 years of work to fix this. She is frankly better off without you.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:27 AM, June 26th (Tuesday)]

I thought long and hard about responding to this thread, but have been following. I hope anything I do say is not in violation of any rules on this forum. I've tried to choose words carefully.

WH had a 3 year LTA that devastated me to the core. A 15 year LTA is inconceivable.

I'd love to know how for 15 years, 5,475 days, 131,400 hours, etc. How you could continue this and reconcile it with yourself as OK or somehow justified? How you could keep up a double life with someone 15 years and not show any signs? How you could exert so much time, effort and energy of deceiving everyone in your life including yourself? I'd love to know just what you thought every time you looked in the mirror. The reflection in your mirror is someone you have to be straight with first.

I don't think anyone can begin to help you until you are willing to take a good hard look in said mirror and be honest with yourself about the answers. I don't think your BS can begin to process anything until you are honest with yourself and figure this out and are able to share it with her.

I'm glad to hear that you are both in counseling.

(edited for spelling and attempts at good grammar)

[This message edited by Chaos at 12:26 PM, June 26th (Tuesday)]

As a BS struggling through my WH's LTA, I try to have some semblance of hope.

Chaos (I appreciate your posts), and others: you make very good points, and I absolutely appreciate the 2x4s for AbeLincon, who I suspect needs them as much as my own WH (particularly that a WS in such a long LTA must take a look in the mirror and be honest about himself before BS can truly heal).

I don't think your BS can begin to process anything until you are honest with yourself and figure this out and are able to share it with her.

I absolutely agree, but often wonder if it's possible for a WS to REALLY take that look.

The posts WRT the dishonesty are spot on IMHO.

They may be as infrequent as a Bigfoot sighting, but I have read posts from folks on SI that it is possible to heal from LTAs - even of a long duration and/or As that included limerance/frequent contact (eg daily/weekly calls,texts,sex,ILYs, etc). So, it appears that R is within the realm of possibility - and the question I suppose we all (BS and WS) have to figure out is what ACTION needs to occur to successfully R. My WH is aware that he has a lot of work to do... and he is trying. Whether he is able to change a lifetime habit of deceit and whether that will ever (a) allow for healing/remorse/accountability or (b) allow reconciliation that includes HAPPINESS between the two of us remains to be seen..... as I'm sure is also the case with AbeLincon and his BS.

Every A is different. Every M is different. A full, happy, reconciliation after an A of this duration may be as scarce as water in the Sahara, but as a BS crossing this extremely painful desert, I must, at least in this moment, believe it is possible.

Godspeed to us all.

edited for typos

[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:48 PM, July 11th, 2018 (Wednesday)]

I try to always listen to her when she talks about her feelings and to answer all her question truthfully, I tell her every day what I am feeling and tell her how greatfull I am that she is still here, the first thing I say to her when I get out of bed every day is good morning beautiful thank you for giving me the chance to wake up to you one more time. I do look in the mirror every day and think how could you have possibly done this shit for so long and hurt someone you are supposed to love so much. I am working with my IC to try and figure out what part of me could have been so dishonest with myself and to try and understand and fix this part of me. I am working really hard to show her I love her and I'm am not being dishonest or lying, and maybe someday be someone she can have a little bit of faith in.

This is one of those posts that get to me.

Unless your wife kept you at arm’s length, or belittled you, I cannot think of any other reason for you to cheat except you wanted to. You enjoyed it. The highs, the sneaking and lying, the fun of it all meant more to you than loyalty to your wife.

I recognize that she has put a lot into your marriage so trying to untangle it enough to leave might be more than she can face.

We are not to demean you by our words but if I was your wife I could never look at you the same again. I would always see a liar. That is what would get to me, the years of lying.

You need to be totally honest with her. Totally. If you tell her you don’t know why you did it she might never get past it.

Ask yourself what you were getting out of it other than the sex act. If all you wanted was sex there are women out there who could provide it. You had an emotional relationship with the OW. It meant less to you than your marriage but it had some hold on you for it to last this long.

Again, you need to be honest. Just thanking her for sticking around is going to get old without her seeing the real you. That is going to take time.

This thread hits so close to home that right now I can’t even reply. But I will be watching for responses, and hoping my H will read it as well and at least talk to me about his reaction.

I will say though, that almost seven years trying to heal from this kind of betrayal, I am still struggling.