SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Denial, housing issues. DS.... didn’t want to put him through it.

I was also exhausted from the gaslighting and how nice he could be to my face.

Issues with intimacy now. Don’t see myself getting that close to someone else so I might as well stay and take what good there is.

ETA: I wasn’t going to let the whore win. Looking back I should of just let her have him. Stubbornness was not my friend that time.

[This message edited by Emotionalhell at 6:27 PM, August 14th (Tuesday)]

Because I didn't want to be a half time mom. I still resent how trapped I feel, like someone else said. Give up my children or stay with a betrayer.

Because of finances.

Because I found out years later, and it didn't seem logical to give up the life I built to "get out of infidelity" that wasn't happening anymore.

Because, yes, love.

Because habit or history, whatever you want to call it. We do enjoy each other, and like another poster said, we'd likely hang out and have sex even if we divorced.

Because I'll never allow another man to get this close to me. Devil I do know thing.

[This message edited by Hardroadout at 6:12 PM, August 14th (Tuesday)]

I kicked him out, and we're legally separated. But in my heart, I never gave up and I was (I didn't know it when I kicked him out) basically following Dr. Harley's plan a/plan b.

Is it better financially if we're together? Yeah.

But that's not why I'm open to reconciling. 1. I like our family -- I like spending time together, I don't want to balance my kids and a boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever down the line, because I wasn't that great at balancing before with their father (my fWS), and I'm really not going to be any better with some stranger, because my kids will always come first.

2. fWS and I have a lot of fun together. We can be really silly and goofy, have a ton of inside jokes, like the same music... It sounds superficial, but I like being able to go from 60s rock to gangster rap to kids songs in the kitchen and dancing & cooking dinner together.

3. We have great sex, we're really comfortable with each other, open to trying different things. I've had sex with a lot of people (like 2x+ more than my fWS), and he's the best, by far. IDK, maybe if we split for good, I'd find someone just as good or better that I enjoyed having sex with, but I feel like I've had a lot of bad/mediocre sex with a lot of selfish people. :/

I claim temporary insanity.

But seriously, I was invested so deeply. I look back now and see that I should have left long before the infidelity. He was selfish, abusive and I was working my ass off to make him love me like he did in the early years.

I think my user name really says it all. I just couldn't accept that the present behavior was the real deal and the man that I loved never really existed.

I did try to R but it was never going to work and now I see that divorcing was the only and healthiest path for me.

I think if, and only if, I had kicked him out, there might have been a chance for us down the line. But I took him back within days. He learned early on that there would be little consequences. I really can't say if I would have allowed him back or let go altogether. His good friend once told him that he was the luckiest son of a bitch in the world that I let him stay. Unfortunately my h thought he deserved it, no questions asked. Looking back I wonder if he really ever did give a shit about me. Sad thing is that now he sees exactly what it feels like when the shoe is on the other foot. The consequences came back with a vengence when I stopped caring. All he had to do was to be remorseful. But he was to cocky and proud to lower himself to that.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 6:54 PM, August 14th (Tuesday)]

I was very young, in an abusive marriage, after leaving my abusive parents. And my ex and my parents made sure to remind me at every opportunity nobody else would ever want me, and I believed it.

I think honestly a combination of I made a vow, I did love who I thought he was, he was all I had ever known so the fear of the unknown, three kids and not wanting to lose time with them or for them to have to endure the pain of a divorce, and after years of narsistic abuse I was just so beat down and tired and had such low self-esteem. At this point, I am thankful he left me no other choice and that I have done lots of hard work on myself. Still have and probably always will have more work to do on myself. But I would rather be alone than live like I was living ever again. I never ever want to have to walk on egg shells in my own home or have to be the relationship police again!

I originally wanted to stay because of finances.

After we married, he told me he wanted to go to med school. We had an agreement that I would put him through med school by working a soul-sucking corporate job, and then when he was a working physician, I could quit my job and do whatever I want - go back to college for a useless degree, start a nonprofit, etc.

I held up my end of the bargain and supported him through MCATs, med school, residency, and fellowship - over $100,000 on his med school education (I also paid off his undergraduate loans) and then just when he's about to make a physician's salary, he cheated. Oh, and I'd just found out I was losing my lucrative job -- which I knew would happen as I was happening to shut down the company, but which he encouraged me to take as he wanted the additional premium paid to me for giving up security, plus I didn't need that security since he'd take care of me once he was a physician, since that was our agreement.

I'd been dreaming for over a decade of that day - and I didn't think it was fair that he got to get a full education plus half of everything I'd earned over the preceding decade. I'd paid for his education expecting to receive a return on my investment. Plus I was losing my job and according to recruiters, would be lucky to make 60% of what I had been earning. But those are the laws in my state.

Luckily he refused to sign a post-nup, so I knew I couldn't give up my financial security by quitting my job anyway. As the post-nup only would come into play if he cheated again, it was a pretty big slap to reality that he had no intention of staying faithful.

So happy with the way things turned out, though I do get frustrated on occasion for all the $$$ I lost due to trusting a POS.

I stayed b/c I loved him and saw immediate remorse.

He has worked every day of the last 5 years to make amends.

He has changed in some ways (for the better).

Otherwise we would be D.

I would not stay for kids or money or any other reason. If I felt he wasn’t doing the work I would leave him and D.

I would rather be single and happy than M and miserable.

Life is too short. My happiness comes first - not as selfish but as a reason for making the choices I do.

If I stayed and was miserable- then my kids are miserable. My life is miserable. And I honestly believe we would co-parent as well as we could and put our children first. It would be no different than being together and being parents under one roof. Our children would be fine. That I know.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:28 AM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

I stayed because I loved her as well.

She has shown daily for her 2 years now what remorse is like.

If she hadn't, then I wouldn't be here.

Because I couldn't give up my kids, and I "only" had 3 years (2 now) left before they were 18 and off to college. I wanted to enjoy seeing them off into the world and help guide them on this launching point.

It was also a very strong feeling in me that the AP was NOT about to "help" give them a send off. Obviously, my wife wasn't morally stable. I needed to be.

So... I stayed... and my WW became my Fww.

I think honestly I had a mental breakdown and was incapable of a decision one way or another. I found out about some of the prostitutes the day he came back from rehab all religious and such, lost my shit and immediately had an RA with some guy I didn't know. I couldn't think straight for a long while, was suicidal for a time, and by the time any sanity came back to me, he was working recovery and trying to earn me back. I had been blindsided by his drug use 3 months prior to DDay. To find out that he had been cheating even before the drugs rocked my sense of reality so much that I just didn't know anything about anything. I could never have comprehended that he would do something so awful to me. We were so "special", you know?

I really think I needed to have been committed to a mental institution for a couple of months last year. It probably would have done me a lot of good.

The reasons I stayed in the beginning were very practical. Kids, finances and if I am being painfully honest my W was in such a state I was concerned about her well being and that of my children when she would have had them.

Now I stay M because my W is still actively working her issues and tries her best to do her part in the M that I always wanted. I can respect that and in time loving feelings returned. We both fixed our co-dependency and that has made for a lot less pressure when it comes to us. It feels natural and easy now.

We have issues. We fight. We resolve them. I think anyone that is M, infidelity or not, can't expect a "perfect" M. I am convinced there is no such thing.

Cash flow, well, lack of.

He pissed away thousands during his affair. Our retirement has been jeopardized because of it. Our (his) debt is being slowly whittled down.

Theres no point in leaving until its been drastically reduced for me. If I walk now, I will essentially have to start from scratch.

Thanks, you philandering [bleep]. Just another layer to the shit sandwich I was handed.

I don't see any reason to stay OTHER than love.

I started to add some other thoughts but The1stWife explained my take almost exactly:

He has changed in some ways (for the better).

Otherwise we would be D.

I would not stay for kids or money or any other reason. If I felt he wasn’t doing the work I would leave him and D.

I would rather be single and happy than M and miserable.

Life is too short. My happiness comes first - not as selfish but as a reason for making the choices I do.

Amen. Life is WAY too f'n short to stay and be miserable. I've had plenty of misery in life, no reason to add to it at this point.

My immediate reaction was to tell my H that the M was over as soon as he confessed. Within the hour though we were talking about possible R.

While I was in the bedroom...after telling my H to message the adultery co-conspirator so that THEY could start their new life because OURS was over...I started thinking about HER coming in and taking MY place after WE had worked so hard to get where we were. OH HELL NO!!! This thought pissed me off !!!

I then thought about taking him back...even though I knew I didn't love him like before. I figured I could live with it to keep HER from getting MY life. I then thought up ultimatums that my H would HAVE to do in order for me to stay. After I thought about this...I decided to go back in the living room and talk to him.

I asked if they had finished messaging...he said they had. I then told him that I did NOT love him like I did before he cheated...but I wanted to continue on with the plans we had made for our life. I told him that I had ultimatums though...and if he didn't agree to every one...I was gone. I told him what they were...and I told him the first one had to be done immediately. He had to send the ACC a NC message and NEVER contact her again. He agreed to every ultimatum.

I asked him how this made him feel...and he said he felt relief. He then wrote her the NC message...just a few minutes after they were discussing their future. What a SHOCK it was for her...poor wittle muffin. YES...I still feel HAPPY that it happened that way for her.

I am very HAPPY that I stayed . My H not only did EVERY ultimatum...he exceeded them! He also changed things on his own to make himself a better person...which made him a better husband. I do NOT regret giving him another chance . Also...the love I lost for him on DDay...has now come back even stronger!!!

Initially I stayed for our 16 year old son. I did not want to lose daily 100% contact with him. Had it not been for him, I would have followed through with divorcing my fWW.

However, over the past year my fWW has worked hard on herself and has become a better partner and mother than she was. So now I stay because I have hope that she can continue being the wife I need.

Simply stated:

1. Kids

2. Finances

The end.

BTW, glad to "see" you.

...I absolutley can't comprehend any person (me included) staying with a cheater because we love them so much.

Ah, well, I place a high value on lust. I also placed a high value on my W. I knew she was troubled - to say the least - by her CSA. I just didn't think she'd cheat.

Love is one of the bases for M, IMO, and the vows are expressions of that love.

We didn't say the traditional vows, but I was in for the long haul, and this culture's traditional vows carry a lot of weight. The A was the worse in 'better or worse'. The A was, possibly, the sickness in 'sickness or health,' and if it was a sickness, and if she cured herself, I thought we could have a very satisfying M.

I thought immediately that the A was about her, not about me. I thought immediately she betrayed herself before she betrayed me. I checked my thinking out, early and often.

For some, d-day marks the end of the A and the beginning of getting authentic. That's what it was for my W. If she continued doing the necessary work (and she has), she was not a cheater. She became a person who had cheated.

I won't deny that logistics, money, and fear played parts in my decision. Money would have been tight if we D'ed. I feared the unknown. I didn't want to have to explain D.

But I could see a pretty good life after D, and the demographics say I have a good chance of connecting with a well-off divorcee or widow.

So I was looking at 2 options that were likelyto give me a good life. I wanted R. W seemed like a good candidate for R. I chose R.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:10 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

My kids.

That's it. I will make it work until the kids are out of the nest and then I will reevaluate.

I am a child of divorce due to infidelity. My father had a very public affair and married his AP. My mother never recovered and is incredibly damaged. I see now how profoundly it affected me as a young child and now as an adult.

I won't have my children go through what my siblings and I endured. So I stay.

Now, that's not to say my relationship with my WW isn't ok. It is. But it is fundamentally different; she is not the person I thought she was. I can make it work but she will never have my heart again. There is a wall there that I put up and won't ever take down.

Such is the price of infidelity.

[This message edited by otto at 4:43 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]