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Ghost her. File for D and have her served. Don't think about her, don't talk to her, don't think about talking to her.

She want's space? Give her the universe.

Falc, I tend to be blunt so please forgive me if what I saw offends you. What part of your WW’s behavior leads you to believe that she wants to be married to you? She’s left your home, with her belongings, and wants you to limit your contact to what she consider “not pestering”. Dude, she is treating you like shit on the bottom of her shoe. She’s looking out for herself and you need to look out for yourself. I second you ghosting her and having her served with D papers. Don’t waste your youth chasing after someone who treats you this bad.

Sorry but in what ways were you responsible for the marriage break up? Why do you keep blaming yourself?

Your thinking is based on the fact that if you did something wrong, you can fix it and then she will come back.

You did nothing different to thousands of marriages. There always has to be give and take in a marriage. From the sound of it you did most of the giving and her the taking. If she had problems she should have talked to you and/or gone to MC. Having an online affair was not the answer.

She is the one who is broken, she is the one who is disrespectful and cruel. She is the one who cheated.

I think you have to continue with the 180 to build up your self esteem. It doesn't matter if she is there or not. The 180 is about you fixing your codependency issues and becoming self reliant.

I'm sorry at the moment you just look weak and needy to her. Be strong for yourself and just accept she is done with you. You may be surprised that if you abandon her, she might suddenly decide she really doesn't want to lose you. If not, then just get on with the rest of your life without her. From where I am standing she might be beautiful physically but emotionally and mentally she is just a POW and you really aren't losing much.

I hear you guys. I haven't talked to her since she left last Thursday, no matter how hard it is. I am just having a moment of weakness and need to hear the cold truths. 7 years of relationship, two married... just makes me want to cling to anything. I'm trying, I really am. But I couldn't stop crying today, it just felt so bad, so heartless and cruel. It's been 15 days since D day and she already moved out, I just am having a really hard time coping. I am going to be strong though, I won't contact her but I need to be propped up from people like you all who have been through this. I wish I knew what the future holds because right now, I'd still take her back. I know I am weak, it's just how I feel right now.

She went home with all her belongings saying she needs space be abuse she is too cowardly to tell you over.

Falc,

Sorry you are here brotha, but you have to accept what is happening. That is the only way forward. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people, like your Mom, or your dog. Moving forward is the only way out of this crap heap, and you want to keep those legs moving. Stay strong and keep posting.

I know man it's really hard. I recall being triggered some two months after my break. I heard a song that reminded me of the pain and collapsed in my living room. Crying, sobbing, tears running holding my face in my hands. I didn't think I would ever react like that. The horror of the realization that the betrayer has left you and has no feelings. Nothing like sexual rejection. You have no dignity.

Time helps, but at your stage, it's only words. Find your anger now, vent away. Talk to whoever you can trust, but let it out. Do something for you. Make yourself into a new person. You are not doing it for her. You are doing it for you

Yeah NotOptTo, feels like she is just a coward. I'm meeting some friends for pool tonight. I'm trying to move forward as much as I can.

No contact is hard upfront but will become easier and you'll get a lot of clarity so you can see this for what it is.

Falc I did a few things to get through the toughest early days.

I reached out to friends and family. I was floored by the number of people who wanted to help me. I had friends checking in regularly, driving distances to see me, sharing their own personal stories that I never knew about. It was critical to give people close to me a chance to step up to the plate and help.

I started exercising every day. For me it was running and yoga. Staying active was hugely helpful. It made me feel strong and healthy and good about myself at a time when my world seemed to be crashing down.

I also became a master at compartmentalizing. I learned quickly that I could easily spend all of my waking hours thinking about the situation, worrying about things, strategizing, processing, hating, etc. But I realized based on a dear friend’s advice how important it would be to push everything out of my mind at times and force myself to focus on other things. Positive things. I have to say that mind trick was hugely helpful and brought me some sanity and peace.

Yeah right now I have no sanity nor do I have peace. My chest is exploding constantly. What sort of positive thoughts did you think? How did you push things out of your mind?

For me I thought of the positive things in my life - in my case the fact that I have a nice career in a job working from home, that I have 2 boys, that I would not have to worry about who my WW was texting with or if she was going where she said she was going (she had cheated earlier in our M and I stupidly rugswept it and moved on and then spent years worrying and checking up on her), if I’m being honest I also thought about how I was going to be able to date other women for the first time in 20 years, use online dating which didn’t even exist when I got married in the 90s, that I might finally live my dream of having a girl (mission accomplished this year), that I’d get control over my finances and not have to deal with my WW’s crazy spending anymore. As I write this, for a guy who REALLY didn’t want to have to D, I had a pretty darn long list of positive things to think about and look forward to.

In terms of pushing things out of my mind, I literally would catch myself thinking about the D and some issue or other - the litigation, the negotiation, the living scenario, the kids, money, whatever it was, and I would change my focus to something else - I’d go for a run and listen to music or log onto match.com and enjoy reading through profiles or I’d call a friend and talk about anything but my WW. It took effort and I wasn’t always successful but it helped and I was successful sometimes and that was enough.

Thank you. For me it's so fresh I have a very hard time pushing it out of my mind. I picture her and I remember how gorgeous she is and the good times, and I neglect to remember that she completely fucked me over. Left me cold turkey with the new house and car payments without much of a fight at all. It's just ridiculous to think that a human with a brain can think that is something that is justified. Running away from all your obligations and problems like a coward.

Hi Falc

I’ve been watching your thread for a while. You’ve been very open and in return have been getting good advice.

I’m sorry for the pain you are in. Just know that there are hundreds of active people here reading your posts and commiserating with you and the pain you are feeling. It sucks. It really does. But we know you are going to find your way out of it.

What I wanted to say to you is that I notice a bit of an age difference between you and your wife. Not a lot. But enough for her to be at a different stage in her life. Only being in her mid twenties (forgive the generalization twenty-somethings) she may not be ready to have committed to someone for the rest of her life. At 26 forever seems like a really long time.

You blame this on how you treated her after the death of your mom and dog, but truthfully you could have been absolutely perfect and this still would have happened.

From your description she appears to be very immature. While there are many people her age that are wise beyond their years, she doesn’t seem to be one of them. Right now she doesn’t act like she’s ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone and all that goes along with that.

She’s very self centered right now and that’s not a good ingredient for any marriage where you almost need to give more thought to your spouses happiness than your own.

She may try to have relationship with the gaming dude or someone else going forward and until she starts feeling compassion for others she’s not going to have an easy time of it.

So as others have suggested here, let her go find herself. I know it’s hard to do with a broken heart. I have to tell you, it’s going to take a lot longer than 1 month for her to figure this out. So please don’t put a lot of hope into this meeting you’re planning later this month in her hometown.

To be honest, I wouldn’t reach out to her to even tell her you are coming. She knows you are, wait for her to contact you. I know that’s hard, but the only way there’s a chance at R, down the road, is if she cares enough to reach out to you.

You constantly reminding her that’ you’re here is going to do nothing for you. She knows you are there. Right now, as hurtful as this sounds, she doesn’t care. Until she starts caring again you need to stay away. Let her go find herself. Let her go visit the asshole she’s been messaging with. Let her see what a good thing she had with you and how you’re better than all the others out there.

Is there a guarantee that she will figure that out? Absolutely not. She may never come back. But if that’s the case it’s best you know now so you can get on with the long wonderful life you have ahead of you, with your the woman you are going to find in the future who will treat you like a true partner for life (and will be far sexier and loving than your current WW).

So what to do now? Start living a life for yourself. As time goes on, the sting will fade. Never go away, but hurt in your chest less and less.

Do what you are doing. Meetup is a wonderful tool. Go to some events and meet new people. Listen and learn about them. Ask both men and women to hang out as friends. Widen your circle of friendship.

I think you said you are working a new job. There are probably lots of women in your industry that have a lot more in common with you than you did with WW. Go meet them. Talk to them. Learn about them. Get to know them.

The more people you know the more likely you are to find a true soulmate. One that’s in the same time of life with you and looking for someone to spend her life with.

And one that definitely does not spend her life in a virtual world falling in love with someone behind an avatar.

Because really think about it Falc. If WW walked back thru your door today and said she wanted things to go back to the way they were, how could you ever trust her not to do the same thing with someone else on her live feed or gaming? Do you think she’s ever going to give that up? She should, for you, but I doubt she could.

And you’d be right back to where you started. Wondering who she’s communicating with. Wondering who she was going to fall in love with.

So live your own life Falc. Go out with your friends and family. Meet new people and start leaving her behind. Yes hard, but a little easier each day.

Don’t text or call her to remind her who you are. She knows. Don’t contact her when you travel near her. Or if possible, go somewhere else for training.

Let her see what she has lost and if she truly realizes it make her do the work to get you back. You are worth more than begging your wife not to have relationships with other guys. If she wants you, make her come to you. And if she does, walking back thru your door is only 1% of the work she’ll have to do to make you safe in the relationship again.

Focus your attention elsewhere and work to find happiness without her.

I hope this helped. Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:52 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

Thank you. She said she wanted to see me when I was back for training when she left. The date is not set in stone yet so she won't know exactly when. My therapist said that it's probably a good idea to let her know the final dates I will be there and let her decide if she wants to meet. Say nothing more of it.

I am not hopeful for this meeting. But I do need to get my Mom's ring back as that needs to stay in my family. I can use the meeting to gauge where her head is at and if it's anything other than 'I want to come back to you' then I ask for the ring and go. If it's 'I don't know' then I'm not sure what to do but I will probably try and understand where she's coming from and then leave. Closure would be nice.

I agree about the age, I had a crisis near her age too. It doesn't excuse her actions though, she's treating me as just her boyfriend and not her husband. She can leave I know, but I just wish she'd understand that I am not her boyfriend. It still hurts so much, I wake up and I miss her. I just wish I could understand why she thinks that leaving me with all the responsibilities of life is okay. She literally has zero consequences and it makes me hurt so bad. She's got this guy and her family/friends for emotional support and they're telling her that she finally got away from the controlling asshole of a husband. She feels relieved and is happy. And I'm stuck here crying and destroyed and trying to heal this gaping wound in my chest.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do tonight, but I might go to the gym for a little. The week is the hardest since everyone is busy, how do I pass the time?

I think it would blow her mind if you went there and did NOT contact her.

Yeah it probably would blow her mind. I just don't know, everyone here is saying completely ghost her and don't tell her when you're coming. My therapists (I've been seeing 2) say that I should just tell her when I'll be there and leave it up to her if she wants to meet. I know that she probably won't find herself in a month, but I feel like she should have a better understanding of what she wants in terms of us. Can she find herself while being married to me, with me supporting her? Or can she find herself alone? I don't know. I'd just like my Mom's ring back and to get some closure if that's all that comes out of seeing her.

Call the father and ask him to send you your mom's ring. Or ask him to bring it to you when you are there. I would not see or talk to her anymore.

You keep waiting for her to figure out things... YOU figure out things for YOU.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do tonight

You need to start branching out. Find a MeetUp that interests you. Or, do is there a hobby you always wanted to try? Search community education in your area and sign up for some classes.

Try a lot of different things. And meet new people doing it.

Only you can break yourself out of this funk.

Hell if you want to PM me your zip code I’ll help you look.

If something doesn’t work out, try something else.

Cooking, dance and acting classes tend to have a higher female ratio, but honestly anything is good.

Even a class with all guys or 60 year olds, you’ll never know who has a sister or daughter that they’d want to fix you up with.

But for now, just work on you and meeting new people. Anyone. Make new connections.

It will help improve your mood and give you other things to think about.

I went to the gym after work, did laundry, cooked some chicken parm. Now it's night and I'm weak again. I want to text her, look on Facebook, I want her to know I am here. I can't get it out my head that she's texting the other guy and they're exchanging pics. The pain is real, it is here. I am weak again. I am hurting so bad.