SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Totally get it, but it shows weakness and women wont respect a weak man (I was one too!). Stay strong man, when you feel the need to reach out, write it down and then delete it. I find doing this helps get through the tough times.

Infidelity hurts like hell. That is why it is so important to stay no contact so that you heal. If you remain all jacked up and constantly get manipulated you will never get better. You will hold onto every word or bone she throws your way while she cheats with another man. Each day post how many days you have been no contact. Presently you are at zero. You have been rummaging around in her social media at least. Tomorrow see if you can get through (1).

I didn't check social media yesterday or today, but yes I checked her discord chat channel. She has actually gone radio silent which is weird to me. She's either in Florida right now or she's actually taking time to think. Or they're just talking on other outlets.

Regardless, I am at zero. Thank you. It's so godamn hard.

At some point you may get into the anger stage. When you get pissed off about the "P" pics, etcetera. Go file.

Stop putting up with a wife that shares more xxx pics with a stranger than she does with you. She needs to stop this behavior before her pics end up on some porn site.

I didn't check social media yesterday or today, but yes I checked her discord chat channel. She has actually gone radio silent which is weird to me. She's either in Florida right now or she's actually taking time to think. Or they're just talking on other outlets.

Regardless, I am at zero. Thank you. It's so godamn hard.

Or there is no need to text because they are standing face to face. Many have found here that periods when texting stopped were the times the Wayward was physically with the OM.

Yeah, banking shows no activity so he'd have to buy her a plane ticket. I woke up today missing her so much, I checked social media again. I am still at zero.

Radio silence from her on social media is really weirding me out. Either she lawyered up, she's using other accounts, or is with him/actually working on herself. I dont know what to believe. I just feel weak, it's only been a week since she left and almost 3 weeks since D day. The NC thing and the 180 is so godamn hard for me. I know it's about making me stronger but I am having such a hard time right now.

Whatever she is up to is not good for the marriage. She is gone and you need to accept this and work through it.

I hope you move into the anger stage soon, it will help.

Why couldn't she just tell me? Why did she have to sugar coat it. 'I just need time to think, I can't be in this house', 'relax, I'll see you when you're back here for training', 'I love you okay?'. I know her actions are speaking but it hurts me so bad that she couldn't just be honest. She fell out of love with me and I didn't even notice. It was like nothing was wrong and she just gave up and sought out another person. And now she has emotional support to back her actions rather than talk about it. It hurts so bad.

How does anger help? If she's actually taking time to work on herself and to think, filing just pushes her towards D right? Also, we are going to try and settle so filing for D wouldn't take a long time, it would just be quick hopefully. I guess I'll get there when I get there. For me, the pain is too great to fill myself with anger, I will just keel over and have a heart attack.

Clearly right now she doesn't have a thought in her head about me. We haven't talked at all. It's all about her, which is what she told me she wanted. She wanted to make a decision for herself. Which is bullshit because we are fucking married.

I can't focus at work. All I am doing is just refreshing this page and reading through other threads seeing how people were able to reconcile and it makes me so sad. Because my situation is not the same. She's already moved out 2000 miles away back home. No contact. No remorse. Nothing. There just doesn't seem to be much hope for R at all and I am not ready to D. I am having a really bad day, there is so much pain. Yesterday was decent, I cooked myself a good dinner. I worked out. I saw my therapist. But today, I am just swirling in pain with no end in sight.

Why couldn't she just tell me? Why did she have to sugar coat it. 'I just need time to think, I can't be in this house', 'relax, I'll see you when you're back here for training', 'I love you okay?'. I know her actions are speaking but it hurts me so bad that she couldn't just be honest. She fell out of love with me and I didn't even notice. It was like nothing was wrong and she just gave up and sought out another person. And now she has emotional support to back her actions rather than talk about it. It hurts so bad.

Women do not move from one living situation to another until they get their ducks in a row and know that will have the resources to get by during and after the transition.

She most likely checked out on you years ago, but she needed you to support her and share the bills while she planned her exit. Then when she had it all set up, off she went.

She wasn't caring then and she doesn't care now. You need to begin to absorb this truth in order to begin healing and moving on. Human beings do shitty things. It's what we do, and more often than not we treat the people we love worse than those we don't.

She most likely checked out on you years ago, but she needed you to support her and share the bills while she planned her exit. Then when she had it all set up, off she went.

That is just the shittiest thing if that is true. Why did she agree to move cross country to California with me last august then? Or why did she agree to marry me? She has to have something completely wrong with her if she agreed to do those things when she was emotionally checked out.

Falc,

The anger is to help you drag yourself out of that pit you've been wallowing in. While you're still down there in it you'll just keep spinning your wheels and getting no where. Forget her, work on yourself, use the fire in your belly to forge a new you. None of this is your fault, but you should never waste an opportunity to improve your lot.

That is just the shittiest thing if that is true. Why did she agree to move cross country to California with me last august then? Or why did she agree to marry me? She has to have something completely wrong with her if she agreed to do those things when she was emotionally checked out.

You're still trying to find meaning and figure out her logic in her decisions. Stop. There is no meaning. And trying to logic your way through illogical actions never works. There's nothing to understand other than your own feelings.

I don't even understand my own feelings. Why am I not angry at this person? Why am I not saying FUCK YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE? Why am I willingly giving her a month before I even entertain D? Why do I want to talk to her when I'm back there? Why do I want to not rock the boat too much? WHY??!!!

Why do I want to talk to her when I'm back there?

Because you have unanswered questions, because you love(d) her and because you are a human.

The advice that you are getting on the forum is great but it is coming from people who are not you, we went thru our events a long time ago. We have no emotional investment in you or her or your marriage but we do want to help you avoid the pitfalls and mistakes that we experienced. We qre just your good internet pals, have you talked IRL to your friends?

Your mind is playing games with you. You don't know what she is doing at this time. She may be in FL or he might be there, She might be a zombie walking around her parents house or holed up in her teenage bedroom. She may be getting space.

But since she is not reaching out to you there is nothing that you can do except try to keep busy with work or friends or the gym. It is sad to be alone. go to a animal shelter and walk some dogs - they are better than 90% of therapists.

It's very had but keeping NC with her is the best thing that you can do right now. It makes you stronger each day (like not smoking or drinking, one day at a time) and if she is not totally gone , your NC is possibly making her think about you and the M, wondering if she did the right thing.

If you break and reach out to her it's resetting the clock to DDay like the AA folk say how long it's been since the last drink.

Placate yourself and your need/desire to contact her by planning to meet up with her when you go for training. When that gets close, tell when you will be in town and can meet from 4-5 on Thursday. Don't expect much but you may see here for what she is - a sad broken person that you cannot fix. Then complete your training and go home. Close the book on this chapter and start another...

You will survive this.

PS -, One big thing I learned about my XW was I thought she had some elaborate plan with all the answers. She didn't and was making it up as she went. And she was pretty messed up at the time, so not a good person to be in charge. Don't let your WW be in charge.

PS sorry about your dog, I have a black lab now but I lost my yellow lab , my mom and my marriage in the same year. that sucked, but I survived.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:13 PM, October 4th (Thursday)]

You refuse to discern the truth based upon her actions. Your heart is clinging to a fantasy construct. You refuse to believe what is real and hold her accountable for what she has done. You base who and what she is on some idyllic notion in your mind. Please take her off the pedestal and respond based upon her abandonment of you.

You have allowed her to control this scenario. File and have her served. Then tell her we can work in saving but she has to be all in. If not then we walk the divorce rroad.

She spent $50 on sushi in WI so at least she isn't in Florida. Who knows though, he might've flown out there. 50 bucks is way more than you'd spend on sushi alone. There is so much advice here and it's from people who have gone through it, but as you said, it's from people emotionally removed from it. I am not ready to file for D yet, I want to see her in a few weeks. I want to save the marriage still. But I am also taking heed to the advice here and I am continuing with my NC. I have done a lot of things to protect myself financially. I am going to therapy and focusing on what I can do to improve myself.

But I am suffering and I am in a lot of pain. I know her actions speak volumes. I am still grieving the loss of the life I thought I had. I can't feel angry for some reason. I do not know why I still want all these things from her. She said she was extremely hurt too and she needed time. And I hear those words and I know that it's bullshit because she hurt me more than anything I could have done to her. She left me with all the fucking life responsibilities and she escaped home to emotional comfort of her family, friends, and him. Telling her she did the right thing by getting away from the controlling piece of shit husband. BUT I STILL BELIEVE HER and it's tearing me apart. I want to be strong and stand up and say 'Fuck you. You left me. You left me with all the responsibilities. You left me without a serious conversation about where our marriage was heading. You just escaped and didn't face it with me. Here's your D papers'.

Even my therapists say to just let time evolve right now. I am just stuck in this time lapse of 'let time pass, you'll get better' and I'm not fucking better. Even when I'm out with friends, I can't stop talking about her. I can't stop venting about her with my Dad. I can't fucking stop and I just can't take it because I know she's gallivanting around town with this guy or with her friends and they're all licking her ass telling her how strong she is for getting out.