SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yeah but maybe I owe myself to see her and tell her to her face that I want a D (if that's what I want). Or I owe it to myself to tell her straight up that I'll be fine. I owe it to my mom to look her in the eye and say 'my mom's ring belongs in my family'. I dont know, I'm not really meeting up with her for her.

How about having the lawyer draw up papers and you can bring them with you.

Then during the D process Have him include returning of the ring as a stipulation.

Of course he may tell you the ring is legally hers and you’ll have to negotiate something in return.

Again, stay NC. If you are hellbent in seeing her give her a 2-3 hour window on a specific day. Meet in public and see if she shows.

I'm glad that you are already making actions Falc. We know that it is hard to move on after all the things you went through but indeed you are truly lucky having discovered the affair early in the marriage and having no children at all.Slowly, you will definitely get through all of this mess. Just continue to be around with people and make sure to have fun.Your life doesn't end here Falc. You still have a long journey ahead of you. You will certainly meet someone better in the future who is worthy of your love and affection.

I guess it comes down to framing it in terms of what I will not regret. Will I regret not talking to her if we get a divorce? Probably. Will I not regret talking to her? Probably. A month isn't that long to get a handle on things, especially since she's literally escaping by playing online games constantly. I know that I won't get the answer I want, but maybe I want to hear it. Maybe I want to know that I did everything I could, no matter how hard or excruciating it was, to get my wife back. Maybe I want her to not be such a fucking coward for once and tell me it's over rather than forcing me to make the decision.

My friend sent me some of the facebook conversation he had with her over the weekend. She said that I had treated her "pretty fucking badly for the last 7.5 years" and that she "had been talking to a friend of hers for the past few weeks because she's a shithead". To me, I just don't know what this means.

1. Is calling herself a shithead even remotely close to remorse?

2. Pretty obvious she's downplaying what she did. Talking to a friend is not sexting, saying she loves him, sending him selfies, sexy pics, sexting, etc.

3. We've been together for 7.5 years, so it's pretty obvious she's blaming me for the entire thing still.

It hurts me so bad, I miss her so much. But I can't break NC I know this. How does she get it out of her mind that I am not to blame for the past 7.5 years?

Falc - I'm glad you took the advice of writing down your list. It should remind you that your wife is A) not the person you think she is and B) that she does not deserve a husband like you.

The questions you ask still revolve around the same issue... how do you get her to... not blame you, come back to the marriage, see her actions as being immature and selfish, etc. The key point that you MUST get your head around is that you cannot MAKE anyone feel something. That must come from them. This is what is holding you back - this ongoing concern that you're not "doing everything possible" because, hey, what if she decides in a few weeks that she's made a mistake?

In a rational world, that would make sense. Someone sees the error of their ways and they "wake up" from their fog. However, if you read through other posts on the JFO forum you will see some very similar stories. Then, read through this thread from the beginning - and try to do it as if it's not you but rather some other anonymous person. I think that what you'll see is a lot of consistency... in particular, a general rule that you can't force someone to see things the way that you do. That has to come from them. It doesn't matter that you're a good husband, it doesn't matter that you're the best thing for her future, it doesn't matter that you have a family (or don't), and it doesn't matter how long you've been together. In the end, the only thing that matters is her ability to come back to the marriage on her own accord.

This means that it doesn't matter what you do - wait, visit her, file for divorce, or lay down on your bathroom floor and cry. In the end, she's going to do what she wants to do.

Do you have to put up with it? Of course not! That is why all the posters here have begged you to do what is right for YOU... independent of what she decides. YOU begin moving yourself out of infidelity because you can't control her. All you can do is get yourself right. If she chooses to come along for the ride, great! Maybe you'll say yes, maybe you'll say no. But no matter what, YOU are in a better place.

So how do you get there? You find your anger. Instead of wallowing in the "I lost my wife" scenario, start replacing those good memories with the reality of who she is. She has upped and left the marriage, possibly with another guy. Get mad. As I mentioned in my previous post, I would NOT be waiting to see her to demand her ring - call her parents right now and let them know that you want it back. Let them know that she's responsible for half the mortgage and bills... and if you don't get a check you're going to let the bills go unpaid even if it affects both of your credit. Start letting her see that she doesn't just get to pull out of the marriage without any repercussions.

Will it ultimately cost you the marriage? Possibly. But the old saying here applies - in order to save the marriage you have to risk losing it. You can't be afraid. After all, she's already out.

Lastly, and I'll probably get shit for this because you're still technically married, but I have found in my life that the very best way to get over the emotion of an ex... is to find someone new. Go out on a date or two. You don't have to fall into something serious - but having someone new to talk to can help enormously.

Good luck.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 11:04 AM, October 8th (Monday)]

I don't think I want to screw my credit. I've spent a lot of time getting my credit to a very good spot. But what you're saying is true, there's nothing I can do to make her come back. I am still very stuck on that. Hasn't even been a month since she left. It's just a huge challenge for me to be such a jerk, it's a huge obstacle for me to see her for what she truly did and what she truly is.

Also, asking her Dad seems sort of weird. Shouldn't I just ask her for the ring? Tell her directly that she's responsible for the bills? But that would mean breaking NC. Her Dad would take it as me being a coward though if I asked him instead of her. Thoughts on that?

Go through an attorney to ask for the ring and bills. Do not break NC!

I disagree with the above.

There are times that you need to break NC - as long as you feel capable of keeping the conversation solely to the topic at hand and not get emotional.

For example, a text message that says, "I want my mom's ring back - it should stay with my family. Please ship it to me, properly insured, immediately" would send the message.

If she asks anything else simply redirect your comments. This is not a conversation. Do not get sucked in. You are looking to establish strength and make a clear (not nasty) request shows that you recognize that she is choosing to end the marriage without you having to make a statement.

If that doesn't work, ask your attorney how best to handle it.

Show strength.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 12:53 PM, October 8th (Monday)]

I know I'm like a broken record. I went to the gym today but I still feel so shitty and sad. I take out my list and I just don't feel angry. I feel like I'm the piece of shit who fucked this up. Why am I feeling like this? Why can't I just be done with this crap? I'm sorry SI, I just need support. I feel like a total waste right now.

What you are feeling is normal Falc. (((((Hugs)))))

It's just a huge challenge for me to be such a jerk

You aren’t being a jerk, you’re standing up for yourself. Stop letting her treat you like crap.

I see the book “No More Mister Nice Guy” recommended on here a lot. You need that!

I must say I agree with LifeisCrazy's post. We definitely can't force someone to feel something when they don't. It has to start from themselves. You are definitely NOT a waste. In fact, it's a shame that she wasted a precious diamond like you. Sending my hugs to you Falc. You will get through this. Remember that we are here to support you.

Please help me find my anger. They are still playing games together, they are still obviously talking. I can only imagine what they're saying. The phone bill is due soon, I feel like I should go and get myself put onto my own bill. There is $68 left in our joint account. I don't think I should subsidize her phone but I am having trouble rationalizing it. Please help.

I recommend you separate everything. You shouldn’t be funding her affair.

I’d also try to stop checking on her. Block her on social media and get off her gaming and streaming site.

You are not working on R together so no need to monitor.

She’s not someone you can fight for as she won’t give up the AP. And she just want to live in cyber world with him. She has an addiction and only she can address it. You can’t make her do that. And even if you could she fired you from that job.

Go to the phone store today and ask to separate out your bills. Or cancel her phone off the account if they can’t do that.

Take care.

Please help me find my anger. They are still playing games together, they are still obviously talking. I can only imagine what they're saying. The phone bill is due soon, I feel like I should go and get myself put onto my own bill. There is $68 left in our joint account. I don't think I should subsidize her phone but I am having trouble rationalizing it. Please help.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one confused here.

I get that filing for divorce is scaring you. I also get that you are fearful that action will drive her further away. Those fears are natural.

However, there are basic things you can do that will help protect yourself. Other posters have already mentioned some of them. For example, if your phone bill is in your name, cancel her phone. If it's in both of your names, call the carrier and have them separate the account. That way, if she doesn't pay her bill, it's on her - not you, and you don't have to feel like an idiot for allowing her shitty behavior.

Why in the world would you continue to pay for things like her cell phone and internet bill so that she can be in touch with her boyfriend? Honestly, this is just plain ridiculous. What are you having trouble rationalizing?

Look, if you want to have another guy in your marriage - just say so. I'm sure your wife would come home in a moment if you simply called her and said, "Honey, I've thought about it - and I'm perfectly happy having an open marriage. You can come home and live a happy life with both me and your boyfriend."

If that doesn't sit well with you, then stop putting up with it. Let me ask you something - if I came up to you and slapped you across the face, would you simply smile and say, "That's okay?" Would you continue to smile and put up with it if I slapped you again? How about 10 times? At some point, you get a little upset by the person slapping you across the face and you get mad. Maybe you even look at me and say, "If you fucking slap me again I'm going to punch you in the mouth."

Well, your wife has been slapping you across the face for several weeks. Not only that, she's doing it purposefully - without any remorse - and right out in public. In fact, right now she's pulling her hand back to hit you again. How is this next one going to feel? Good? Do you like being treated like this? Do you like feeling like Plan B? Are you GOING to feel good when, 3 months from now, the affair peters out and she, reluctantly, drags herself back home and says, "Okay, Falc, I'll come back to you." Is that going to make you feel proud of yourself - getting a petulant, unremorseful wife back under your roof?

How do you feel NOW... having read that last paragraph? Make you mad? Good - because it should.

It is time to put your big-boy pants on and stop allowing yourself to be treated this way. Find your strength, brother.

I agree with LifeisCrazy’s additions to my thoughts. She’s slapping you daily.

If she could be with the AP right now, she would. She wants to be with him and not you. For someone who vowed to love and cherish and protect you forever that’s an awful thing to do.

She does not seem to care at all for how she’s hurting you. Only a woman still deep in the fog of her A with “cyberman” can show such disdain for the oerson she married. She needs to continue to rewrite the marriage in her mind and when speaking to others to push down the fact that she’s been able to act so horribly.

I think it will have to be those around her to intervene and get her help. Doesn’t sound like they are willing or interested in doing that.

My only thought is that if someday they actually meet in person and try to consummate the relationship then she’ll see that her fantasy does not match reality.

At that point she may try to return to you, but do you really want someone who can so easily get lost from reality and break your heart again with someone else.

She needs years of therapy before she’s safe for you or anyone. She’d have to remove the virtual world from her life. That’s a tall order for her to do.

I think the girl you imagine is also fantasy. She no longer exists. I know your pain is real, I think you are going to have to “own it” and feel it and get thru it.

I forget if you are in IC but it would be helpful in order for you to process all this.

When do you travel to her state. Well want to make sure you are prepared.

I get it. I guess I feel that she's depressed and I feel like I should be there for her. That's just me being in denial though. I understand how stupid it sounds. Our checking account is at 0 dollars and I put a hold on it. So she won't be able to debit any more money. I will get the phone bills separated. But yes, she's slapping me in the face. I think I probably have codependency issues. I am in IC and he's helping me realize that yes, I got fucked over.

I go back to Wisconsin October 22 - 26. I do not think I want to see her.

I’m glad to see your last reply. I know it hurts and is depressing but I’m glad to see you understand some hard truths.

I know you care about her and want to be there for her, the problem is even if you walked in there and told her you love her and you want to help her she’s just laugh at you, tell you she is fine and go back to gaming and streaming.

You can’t be the one to force her to stop doing that. I honestly think she needs an intervention. It’s an addiction and she’s probably call the police if you tried to stop her.

That’s why it’s good to work on yourself.

I think it’ll probably take 6 moths or a yearl or even 2 but I fully expect her to someday knock (probably virtually) on your door and ask for forgiveness of some sort.

Don’t wait around for that day. Ensure you’re working toward rebuilding your own life so when it happens you can simply say “thanks”, wish her well and move on.

There are other women out there that deserve your love. Your focus now needs to be getting yourself to a place where you can live again.

Falc, one of the first things I did when my ex left was call all credit card companies. She was removed from mine and I was removed from hers . Froze my checking account after pulling the money out, opened up new accounts in my name and dropped her off my phone bill.

You have to protect yourself first of all . You have to close the bakery to her otherwise she will bleed you dry. I would file for divorce even if you aren’t sure . The reason is that you can always stop it and you should have a temporary order that will outline what she is responsible for and what you are. Waiting will just give her more time to cake eat.

You have to find some self respect and start standing up for yourself. It isn’t your job to fix your wife . No woman is worth that kind of bs. You deserve better than that.

I transferred my number to my own account and she texted me 'do I need to approve your transfer or something?'. Do I answer her 'No' or not even bother?