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If you do t need her to then don’t answer. If you need her to do something then make it as simple as possible. “Yes” is sufficient. No thank you necessary.

Falc, I get that this is hard. You don't want to misstep. I am sure you are afraid that doing something drastic might end your relationship forever.

We are all here to tell you, that isn't how this works. Even if she says something like that, it's all bullshit meant to control you.

Your interaction with her at this time should be like a clerk at Target, friendly and distant. Start moving on. She is going to do what she's going to do. If you don't have to interact with her, don't. If you aren't sure, err on the side of not communicating with her.

I just feel like I've pushed her away even more. I've solidified that I'm the asshole she thinks I am by doing this. We had a text conversation and here's some examples of what we said.

Her:

Okay so Im assuming you're done. Not really sure what to say or where to go with this. Youre the one with all the knowledge and power so.

Me:

My position has not changed from when we last spoke. I want this marriage to work. You walked out on the marriage, I have to take you at your word. Your actions tell me you are the one who's done.

Her:

I told you that you can talk to me. Im literally scared of you, I dont know what protection you need from me.

Me:

You have nothing to be afraid of. I would like to talk to you but you disconnected me from your life. You kicked me from your Discord, you deleted pics of me off social media. You left. I have to take you at your word. There is no room for a third person in this marriage and I don't feel comfortable paying the phone bill if you are still talking to him.

Her:

Yeah, because you messaged all of our friends and they all came to me about it. I got screenshots from people that you messaged. Youre talking to my friends and telling them shit. I didn't talk to your friends or tell them anything. And we have the same bank account, unless you plan to also just take me off that. And you say I dont have to be scared but I havent had anxiety since I got here. The thought of sending you a message basically made me have a panic attack. Im terrified of you.

Me:

I told your friends because my wife up and left and I had no idea what was going on. You are not off the account, but there is no money left as I had to pay property taxes and all our other responsibilties. Im sorry that texting is causing you anxiety, I'll leave you alone for now.

Her:

Well I cant access the bank account, and you dont need to go tell my friends anything. Theres no reason for that other than because you're mad at me. And its not texting you that causes it, it's you. You say one thing and then the next day you say something else. I dont even know what to expect you to respond with ever.

Me:

My position on our marriage hasn't changed. You left. I had to change the banking password so that they wouldnt close the username. You can call the bank and set up your own online username and you can see all our accounts. I am sorry that us communicating is causing you anxiety, I will leave you be.

Her:

Its fine, just use all the money from only checking so I can get nothing.

Can you please help me parse this? It seems like she's manipulating me. I don't know what to do anymore, it seems like if I want her back I have to change as well as her. Shes saying shes terrified of me? I mean, she's acting like I'm the bad person when she up and left. I just don't understand.

I just feel like I've pushed her away even more. I've solidified that I'm the asshole she thinks I am by doing this. We had a text conversation and here's some examples of what we said.

Nothing here but cheater script. I'm having an affair and you should have helped hide it.

Exposure always makes them mad. Affairs only thrive in secret and darkness. You shed the light on it. Now she has consequences. A good thing.

You didn't push her away she already left. Get out of the victims chair. It won't get you a thing.

Do you really want to be in a marriage with her boyfriend too?

Is keeping her affair secret so she can have her boyfriend on the side acceptable to you? I got news for you. That's not a marriage worth having.

You should wake up.

Is it just craziness or do you know what she is referring to?

You’re responses were very good.

I would just say, “I don’t know why you are scared of me, but I don’t want to cause you more grief so I’ll stop texting now.

I will not be in a 3-way relationship with my wife. If you are interested in coming back and working on our marriage then I’m willing to do that, but I am no longer willing to be with someone who spends her life online. It did nothing for our marriage and only created a chasm between us.

I’m assuming you are not interested in working on things so I will not bother you anymore. If I’m wrong, let me know, I’m willing to do the work and make changes, but only if we both are going to be honest about what is going on and live in the real one going forward, not a virtual one”

Then stop communicating. Until you hear magic words like I’m sorry for my affair and I’m devasted how I hurt you. Move on.

Why are you talking to her?

This text exchange was a big flop.

No contact

You came off as needy, desperate and weak in

the conversation too.

Justifying your actions to her is a big mistake.

Stop pining after her and find your anger.

Right now she knows she can do what she wants and you will still take her back. How unattractive is that?

Falc,

If she wants to be with you, she can come home, right? She unilaterally left. You blew it up to your friends. What did you say that was not true? She left. She expected you to just take it? Were you not supposed to tell your friends that she left you because she was emotionally involved with someone else online? Were you supposed to let her figure things out with him and be ready in the wings as plan b? She needs to explain exactly how you were supposed to handle this. Maybe her anxiety is not for you but simply as a consequence of what she has done. Take no ownership for that.

You need to decide whether you are done or not. If not, then going no contact is pointless. Ask her these questions. Find out where she is. It sounds like she is painting you as the scary man who is talking mean about her. Again. SHE LEFT.

She doesn’t know what she wants but it sure doesn’t seem to be you. Call and talk to her. Get clarity to make your decision. You don’t have to be in limbo. You deserve someone who loves you and wants you. If you are done, then be done. I know it’s hard but get clear on what you want and whether it is possible.

My thoughts and prayers are with you

I am not done. I love her and I want to work on things.

It seems like she's manipulating me.

You are absolutely 100% correct. No parsing needed. Every text she sent you was manipulation.

Work takes two. Currently you don't have it.

You can't make her do a thing.

Trying to work on anything with her boyfriend in the mix is a fruitless venture.

Do not JADE.

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

Follow the actions that people lay out here. I hear you man, I know it's hard. It took me years, and I hope it doesn't take you as long.

She is losing control of you (the phone, the bank account) and the narrative with her friends, and she does not like it. Whether she likes it or not, is completely irrelevant because she is the one that chose to move out and not live like a married couple anymore. She is seeing consequences for her actions. That is a good thing. The biggest concern I see is her being afraid of you. Maybe she is, and maybe she isn’t (ie it is a convenient excuse for her current behavior), but you need to take steps to protect yourself against any claims of abuse (physical or otherwise). I would not reach out to her again, and only respond when she inquired about financial related matters. Be careful, your WW is not who you though she was. You really have no idea how low she might stoop.

No response

She is very good at saying nothing.

For one thing the bills need to be paid. Since you are the responsible adult pay them.

Let her pay her bills and buy her stuff on her vacay with her money, or money from her family or the OM ( )

At this point there is need to see her. That's a good sign that you are coming out of your fog and do not want to see her. You know she will pay the victim and blame you for everything.

No need to tell her yes or no about seeing her at this point because you will change your mind 5 or 6 times between now and then.

You will never be able to rein her in like a lost stray, you need to wait until she either comes back on her own or leaves for good. But you go on with your life.

It is her decision if SHE wants to come back but it is YOUR decision if you deserves R. Frankly right now there she's a long fuckin' way away.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 5:24 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

Falc

She doesn't love you and that's what matters.

No Contact!

It's just funny because I'm so afraid of making her mad. Maybe she'll get a job and learn that she can be on her own and then leave. I get showing her there are consequences, and she just doesn't see that. She sees me as this ogre who controls everything and since she ran out, I am vindictive and trying to ruin her life. It just makes no sense to me. I am just worried I'm pushing her away. I know that I'll get shit for saying that. I just feel like I'm walking a really thin line here and that every move I make has to be perfect for her to come back. Obviously, I can't make her come back. I just don't want to solidify in her already messed up mind that I am this horrible, vindictive person that wants to screw her over. Because that's not what I want to do at all. I am protecting myself, but in protecting myself, she's getting screwed. She's going to have to get a job now out there to pay for her stuff, which IS WHAT AN ADULT SHOULD DO! But at the same time, I still feel fucking terrible for it.

You need to open another bank account in only your name.

Everything in her texts to you reflects it is all about her and she has a victim mentality. Her focus is now on the other man. If you want to know how to get angry look at these texts for what they are and how she responds with anxiety towards you and think about how she is likely responding to a non bill paying piece of shit that she is not married to.

I am sorry but she is to immature or messed up to even think about reconciling with. You need to get your mother's ring back. You need to run. You need to file for divorce and take any additional steps to protect yourself because you are in a community property state. It is time to start protecting your ass before she and the OM1 or another potential other man in Wisconsin hand it to you on a platter.

She streams with strangers on the internet but cannot send a text to you....please!

Coming across as weak will not foster a desire to reconcile in her.

Go quiet except about getting the ring back or see if your attorney will handle it for you. Send her the message that you are moving out of infidelity in a strong way.

Even if your heart is breaking do not allow her to ever see you bleed.

I know this is difficult. You are hurting but you will heal.

Evaluate what you can control and act on those issues.

Each day make a list of about 3 things you will do for yourself along with implementation of the 180. Detaching will help you.

Focus on your mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. If your not spiritual add something else that is a stress release.

One day you will reach indifference regarding her. This will be her consequence of her infidelity.

Now she is like a character in the game she has people fighting over her. She is getting an ego rush. Cut her high off.

I am sending you strength.

Coming across as weak will not foster a desire to reconcile in her.

Bud, all this does is make her other man look better.

Strength is attractive.

If you standing up for yourself pushes her away then there isn't anything to save here.

You aren't getting it yet.

I hear you Ripped. Please pray for my healing. I don't know if I believe in God but something made me go to Church on Sunday and I intend to continue to go.

My problem is I can't ever R if she doesn't change how she sees me. And she still sees me as this vindictive POS who wants to fuck her over and who she's terrified of (I have no idea why, we fought a lot but nothing more than surface things). This whole emotional abuse thing sounds like someone else's words coming out of her mouth. Why do I want to R? I don't know, maybe I want to do as much as I can to save my marriage because it's the type of man I am.

Two weeks is just not enough time for her to think things through or anything. I can go NC again easy, I just want to act in a way that I can show her I want to R but still stand up for myself.

It's just funny because I'm so afraid of making her mad. Maybe she'll get a job and learn that she can be on her own and then leave. I get showing her there are consequences, and she just doesn't see that. She sees me as this ogre who controls everything and since she ran out, I am vindictive and trying to ruin her life. It just makes no sense to me. I am just worried I'm pushing her away. I know that I'll get shit for saying that. I just feel like I'm walking a really thin line here and that every move I make has to be perfect for her to come back. Obviously, I can't make her come back. I just don't want to solidify in her already messed up mind that I am this horrible, vindictive person that wants to screw her over. Because that's not what I want to do at all. I am protecting myself, but in protecting myself, she's getting screwed. She's going to have to get a job now out there to pay for her stuff, which IS WHAT AN ADULT SHOULD DO! But at the same time, I still feel fucking terrible for it.

Falc

She most likely isn't coming back.

She doesn't see you as an Ogre. She's sees you

as an incredibly weak man. Everything she says to you is blame shifting to justify her cheating.

I get the feeling you may be codependent. Please research this topic and download the books Codependent No More and Codependency for Dummies.

You need to love yourself a little and you clearly do not. Take your focus off of her and work on yourself. In the meantime, No Contact!