SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The reason she has no money is because she purposely up n quit her job to move home. Seem as if she wants you to fund her lifestyle and keep you dropped for all the family bills.

You say your not done. Her actions are showing you that she is. You know the definition of insanity..... doing the same thing over n over again looking for a different overcome. Where is she going to come up with her part if the family bills? She is afraid of you, code for leave me alone to play with AP.

You are taking little steps here and there to protect yourself. Now you need to the big thing you dont want to do...... File for D. It's been said time and again, you can stop it if she gets her head out of her ass. Talk to your lawyer about her skipping out on her financial responsibilities to the family and putting up her part of the famy bills.

My problem is I can't ever R if she doesn't change how she sees me. And she still sees me as this vindictive POS who wants to fuck her over and who she's terrified of (I have no idea why, we fought a lot but nothing more than surface things).

This is straight out of the cheater manual. It is part of cognitive dissonance.

Like in the game it is better to slay a demon than cut Pikachu's head off.

She has to make you out to be horrible and be terrified of you in order to betray you. If she told everyone Falc is great. He loved me, cared for me, and allowed me to sit on my ass playing video games all day her guilt and shame for her wayward behavior would be greatly magnified and people would see her for who and what she actually is. Her psyche will not allow her to be honest and transparent.

This whole emotional abuse thing sounds like someone else's words coming out of her mouth. Why do I want to R? I don't know, maybe I want to do as much as I can to save my marriage because it's the type of man I am.

Your heart has not caught up with your head. Healing takes time. It is difficult to make such drastic changes in one's life and dreams as have been thrust upon you.

If you had just suffered a compound fracture to both femurs of your legs you would not expect to be up dancing an Irish jig by now.

The pain of infidelity is much worse and is much more traumatic.

To me it felt as if a demon or monster like in the games you may play had snatched my heart out in real life.

It takes a while to heal from a broken heart and it hurts horribly. This is why it is so important to focus on your healing. You need to mend and grow strong. This is also why it is important to detach and stop the harm. Do not allow you wayward spouse to continue to inflict damage.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 6:30 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

I am detaching the best I can. You say healing takes a long time, it's been three weeks. I have already done a ton of shit to detach:

1. Took her off as an authorized user on my credit card.

2. Opened up a new checking and savings account in my name only where my paychecks go.

3. Put a hold on the joint checking account when it hit $0 so she couldn't over draft.

4. Strict NC until today. She contacted me, I tried to handle it being very blunt and not delve too much into emotions.

5. Kept the car here since it's in my name.

6. Split my phone off into my own account.

7. Changed the banking password.

8. I have a lawyer on retainer.

9. I have started gathering documents for filing.

My heart has not caught up, that is true. I still love her, I'd still R if she came back today. But things would be different, I'd have boundaries.

At the very minimum:

1. Proof of NC with OM

2. Honesty - Passwords to all her accounts

3. MC

4. IC for her

I have been doing things to pass the time and to heal. Going to the gym, hanging out with friends almost consistently, seeing my Dad at least twice a week, going to IC myself (I have seen probably 4-5 therapists now, choosing the ones I like the best). Hell I even went to church for the first time in over a decade and I am going back this week. I am reading the bible and going to church groups. I am trying to find my way again.

BUT my pain is still there, a huge gaping hole in my chest. I want to win her back, I want her back. I miss her more than anything. She was the love of my life and now she is gone and it makes me tear up and makes me so fucking sad.

Falc:

I feel the pain you are going thru. You want to try and fight for your M. I get it.

But please read what Ripped just said.

She has to make you the bad guy to justify her cheating and leaving. You could send her a million dollars tomorrow and she would still say you are a controlling, vicious POS. She is totally committed to this narrative to justify leaving you. Just sayin!

You are doing well. Yes you realize you have a ways to go emotionally, and it will take a bit to get there, but you are doing well. As for the texting, you held your ground pretty well, but when you understand that you will be farther ahead by not engaging the bullshit you will be better off.

Make no mistake, every one of her texts were nothing more than attempts at manipulation. You aren't at the point where you can see that yet. She is trying desperately to make you the bad guy so that she doesn't have to be the one responsible for ruining her life. Share the texts with your attorney so he can advise if it sounds like a setup for domestic abuse claims.

You will heal.Keep working on yourself. See if you can stay off all media that involves her and maintain no contact except about the ring. Let us know if you can do this. Take it for short periods and before you know it a day will have past.

BUT my pain is still there, a huge gaping hole in my chest. I want to win her back, I want her back. I miss her more than anything. She was the love of my life and now she is gone and it makes me tear up and makes me so fucking sad.

It hurts horribly. It is okay to not be okay. It is also okay to cry. Tell us about it. Practice self-care. Never allow her to see you bleed.

You must mourn the loss.

You will heal. You will be much stronger. We have to get you to where you are fine with or without her. Because when reality sets in you may not want her back.

Focus on what you can control because her realm of wayward behavior is out of your influence. Sometimes wayward individuals do not come back. Work on yourself and healing.

You will love again. I do not know if it will be your wayward spouse. We cannot predict the future. I know these words are not what you want to hear. They apply to me as well.

(That hurt me just to write it. I experience similar pain.)

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you Ripped. I can maintain NC. One of the therapists I am seeing (who says he's done about 48 couples who had infidelity) says that there should be a little contact. A brief statement of my intentions or something to that fashion. I'm still weeding through therapists but it looks like I've found one. He's a veteran and tells me to buck up, she's a narcissist and she's trying to manipulate me. I think he wants to help me get back to me, rather than blame me for the A. I might have some codependency issues, I can work through those.

But the other therapist does have a lot of experience with infidelity and he recommends somewhere between contact and NC. So I dunno.

Hi again Falc

You did good in the texts. Take a break. No more texts for a while.

Listen. You said you were afraid she’d get a job and realize she could stand on her own. That you were worried about that.

Let Me ask you, is what you want a wife that is codependent on you? A partner that could not make it in the world without you?

What kind of relationship is that? I mean emotionally it’s nice to say, oh I couldn’t make it without them in my life. But realistically Don’t you want someone who is an equal partner in the marriage. Who could get a job if she wasn’t a say at home mom or a caregiver for a sick parent or relative?

Personally I think the fact that her daily life was spent online was a big part of the issue.

Listen, I don’t know what has happened between the two of you to make her say that she’s scare of you. While I think that’s melodramatic, she it could be that there were co trip issues here. Even mild ones can be troublesome for someone who is having issues with anxiety or other disorders.

That’s absolutely not to say that her answer should have been to have an EA with a virtual man in cyberspace.

I said before, she’s immature. She’s young and doesn’t know how to have a grown up relationship. That’s a big part of the issue here.

But if anything, you should want her to stand on her own. If your whole relationship is based on the fact that she needs you to take care of her, then that’s not a relationship at all, it’s an arrangement.

I’m not saying she’s coming back, but if she did, I’d require that she have her own bank account, and credit cards and job. You want her to love you for you, not your money. If she can become a grown up, and do grown up things like pay bills and get a real job, then the reason she comes back is because she loves you the person, not you the provider.

Think about it. Take a break from texting. You’re doing good. Keep THE 180 going. Even if she walked thru that door today, there’s a greater chance that you are not successful at R than you are.

Don’t worry about that now.

Don’t respond. And when the time comes, let her know that your willing to do the work, but only with a grown up who doesn’t juggle men and lives In the real world. Otherwise you’ll go find someone else who does all that.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:24 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

Help. She texted me 'Okay so you literally emptied the savings and checking account?'.

I emptied the savings because that money was a gift from my Dad. The checking account was just spending, property taxes, house payment and bills.

Help.

Just tell her you are doing the best you can to pay bills and make ends meet.

Paying your dad money owed is a bill.

She is mad that I paid bills with her money. Please help me.

She left and abandoned you with this mess. You are doing the best you can. She needed to get a job or plan out finances before she took off.

Keep the response short and avoid arguments. Do not fall into these wayward traps.

Go back to no contact.

She is very mad and said she wants to file. Saying how I don't care at all. I said 'okay'.

Her:

You have done nothing with my best interest first. Everything is for you and if it benefited me too, then whatever. Nothing has been for 'us' or me, it has always been you.

Bills must be paid. It is not her money. Set up your own bank account. She will drain it if given the opportunity. This is all very childish on her part but all to normal unfortunately.

I suggest you keep a record of finances from now on.

Her family can pay her bills. If you do not pay yours you have assets that will be foreclosed on and utilities that will be cut off.

Her:

Dont even mention my credit or anything about me as if you care. Like I said I dont want anything, I am mad that I cant afford food or tampons. I was looking for jobs tonight but I guess I'll have to settle again just to survive while you are there with everything.

Me:

I care a lot. You forget that I suggested you get back into streaming, we bought you a PC, I used my credit and my name so you could have a car, we bought a house before I was ready for you, my Dad paid for your teeth. You left me with no idea what was happening. All Ive done is things to protect myself and nothing more since all I had to go off of were your actions. I am not comfortable with paying for things so you can have another man in this marriage. I want to work things out, but your actions have told me you don't want to.

There is a strong presumption under California law that assets and debts a couple accumulates during marriage are community property. Property one spouse owned alone before the marriage, or acquired by gift or inheritance during the marriage, is that spouse’s separate property.

Also, California law provides that property spouses acquire before divorce but after the date of separation is separate property. The date of separation is not necessarily the date one spouse moves out of the marital home. Instead, it is the date that one spouse decides to end the marriage, and it requires some act of physical separation combined with other actions clearly demonstrating that the spouse has decided to end the marriage.

Your attorney can help you with these issues but it may not be worth it depending on the amount in the account.

Attorney fees will quickly eat into the amount.

You may wish to keep up with the amount that was gifted from your father and any other funds in the account. The money may have been co-mingled. But, since she has not filed or taken action to divorce there is nothing to be done at this point.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:06 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

I am sure her family that came and got her will ensure she has food and tampons.

Just in case you end up divorcing tell her you have bills to pay. Nothing more.

I Just need help, I don't know if I should not respond or send my latest reply.

Falc, you are handling things well so do not second guess yourself.

You notice, she refuses point blank to address the main issue - SHE IS SEXTING ANOTHER MAN WHO HAS NOW SEEN HER NAKED, MASTURBATING, THE WORKS!!!!! This is not normal behaviour for anyone in a relationship let alone a wife!!!

There should be no discussion about anything until she addresses this. If she does not see it as cheating then she needs help from a counsellor of some kind - and she needs to know this.

Anything she writes to you about should be met with "but you are sexting and masturbating with another man online", "but you are sexting and masturbating with another man online", etc etc

As someone else said, this is a cheater trying to manipulate you into providing a safety net for her escapades and because you have put up with her nonsense for so long she is surprised that you now are treating her as you should have from day one! Do not let her detract from the immediate problem you both face.