SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Usually not responding is best but it is up to you. It seems her mind is made up and this is an excuse to file. Most individuals would have these issues resolved if they were issues before returning home on a one way trip.

I would tell her you had bills to pay. You are sorry she feels the way she does. If she were no contact with the other man and working on herself and the marriage you would be happy to discuss financials and other matters in detail.

I would add nothing more. You know her and what has transpired better than I do so treat this post as a suggestion. You need to reply or not reply based upon what you feel is appropriate. But, at some point it will be necessary for her to commit to working on the relationship or admitting her intentions are and have been to never return to the marriage.

OR

When you have healed some you may decide to end it based upon her wayward behavior and abandoning you.

STOP this childish talk, she LEFT, CHEATED and ABANDONED the M, period. That's all you should have said to her. Maybe OM wants to buy her food and tampons.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:34 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

I will reply:

I care a lot and Im sorry you feel this way. I want this marriage to work. You forget all that I and my family have done for you. However, we are still responsible for bills, property taxes, house payments, etc. That is why the account overdrafted.

EDIT - Havent sent it yet, just waiting for some help I guess.

[This message edited by Falc at 9:40 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

Your doing well with keeping your comments focused on your marriage and the financial responsibilities.

If she plays hard ball with returning your mothers ring, you may have to negotiate giving her something in return, like maybe her formally buying your car back from you.

Stay focused on your 180. Keep your comments to wanting to work on your marriage. I'm glad you have found solace in going to church. Your faith often tries to answer the unanswerable. Things aren't fair in life. It's how you handle them that show your true character. You are holding to your values while your WW is showing her lack of them. Keep fighting g the good fight. It hurts, but you will get through it. You are getting g great advice from people who have been through the gambit before you. We are here to help you through it too.

No Contact MEANS; NO CONTACT. Stop exchanging text, they are completely unproductive and cause you more pain. New contact = new pain. Her comments are baseless and there is no way you can rationalize them.

Believe her actions, she left you, she cut you from her real and digital life, she has continued with OM. That is all you need to know, her words mean nothing. You’ve stood up for yourself, anyone that does not see it that way will never be convinced otherwise. Quit trying.

Go back and re-read the great great advice you’ve been getting. You have a long list of things you’ve done “correctly”, you will get there, detachment/anger, they will come and you’re not gonna have to fake it, it will come. The only “weakness” I’m seeing is allowing contact.

I believe it was this past weekend (from your post) I could see you were doing better, that was because of No Contact. Get back to it.

I haven't sent the last text yet. I am just not sure if I should or not. What will not sending it accomplish? The last text I sent:

You abandoned me with this mess. Im doing the best I can to make sure both our credit is not down the drain. It needed to be planned better. I accept that I did not hold up my side of the marriage. I am actively working through those issues. There is enough blame for both of us.

[This message edited by Falc at 10:11 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

I do not think it will matter if you send it or not.

The only reason to send it is to draw sharp contrast between choosing to end the infidelity, go no contact, and save the marriage vs remaining in infidelity and engaging in wayward acts with the OM.

Falc, I don't mean to be blunt but you keep asking pretty much the same question on what to keep texting instead of listening to the general advice of NOT TEXTING, do you know what NO CONTACT means ? pretty much everyone here is saying the same thing: NC, haven't you talked to her enough already before she left ? it didn't accomplish anything right ? she LEFT, stop trying to rationalize with a CHEATER, it never works, your WW is in an ACTIVE A, just file for D and stop the humiliation you've been put through, get out of infidelity TODAY.

This is just as simple as if your WW is in an active A, and doesn't want to end it, is not remorseful, moved all her stuff to another state, what do you really have ? your only option is file for D, detach and move on.

I’d stop saying you didn’t hold up your side of the marriage.

It’s ok to say you’d be willing to work on the marriage but not with someone who is actively in a relationship with another man.

Honestly she’s deflecting and this should show you that it doesn’t matter what rational thing you say, it’s not going to make anything better, she’s still going to just blame you for things non A related.

End the conversation

You’ve said enough.

Don’t offer to send her anything without talking to your lawyer.

Okay, I haven't sent anything back. I will not respond. Thank you guys for the support. I am talking with my lawyer tomorrow hopefully. I am not sure I want to file but it looks like there is no other solution.

You may wish to add or modify if you see fit the following wording or something similar....

I wish we could both work at saving our marriage. I would be willing to do what is necessary to reach that goal and I think our history deserves that we try. But, I will not be in a triangulated relationship with you and the other man. A marriage will not survive while there is infidelity.

Until you unequivocally state that you want this marriage and are willing to commit to doing the work to save it I must assume you have chosen your infidelity over me.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 10:44 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

You can sum it it up simply with: I chose the path out of infidelity, you may join me...or not.

But NC is the best response, actions, not words are believable for both sides.

We cross posts. No additional contact is appropriate as well.

Falc , regardless of what your wife says none of it was an excuse for cheating. None of it. More than likely she is pissed because you exposed her to friends and contacts. My wife was also mad when that happened. She thought the affair was between her and I only(well and the OM). She didnt count on getting exposed. The rewriting of martial history is quite common with cheaters. How else do they justify such bad behavior to others?

Seeing a lawyer asap is a smart move , especially since your wife is asking about finances . Obviously she is clueless regarding how money and bills works in real life .

Consider yourself fortunate that you didnt have any kids together and have a short term marriage. Also I would not tell her that you want to save the marriage. As long as you do she will know that going back to you is an option and will continue to crap on you. There is a saying around here "you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it". That doesnt mean you will save it , but if you continue to do the "pick me" dance she will just string you along in limbo hell. She knows that all she has to do is throw out a tiny bit of hope that she can keep you dangling as Plan B if everything else fails. Do you really want to be Plan B?

FALC

Don't let her play mind games with you.

She is following the cheaters playbook.

If she wanted the marriage to work, she

would not have left.

Instead she did leave so you couldn't interfere

with her new boy toy.

Your job is to now let her see that you will be perfectly fine without her and for her to have to deal with the consequences of leaving her piggy bank husband.

No contact whatsoever!

Stop it.

Another poster had it correct - every time you see a text message come through from her you should first open a screen shot of the following: she left the marriage and is currently with another man.

That should put your head in the right context.

You need to get mad. The only answer you EVER give her should be... "Until you are committed to this marriage there is nothing for us to discuss."

Your wife is putting the blame on you so that she doesn't have to hear that she left the marriage. It makes her feel better. Do not allow her to get away with this.

Separating your emotions is hard. We all get that. It will get easier as time passes. In the meantime, you MUST get help with your codependency issue. Your wife isn't an angel. She doesn't deserve the pedestal you've placed her on.

Maturity demands that you start looking at things objectively: including your wife. Your life has its own value and your future will still be there for you... with her or without her.

Understanding that is what makes for a great marriage - when each partner is happy with him/herself and then they CHOOSE, of their own volition, to share that happiness with each other. Marriages suffer when the partners must depend on the other for happiness. It's a terrible structure to hang your life on.

As I said earlier, be the guy that you will one day be proud of. Maintain your strength and do not allow your wife to make you feel like a fool. You are anything but that. Go act like it.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 9:17 AM, October 11th (Thursday)]

I am not sure I want to file but it looks like there is no other solution.

You got it, Falc. She is giving you nothing to work with for reconciliation. NOTHING. You have no choice but to proceed with divorce, unfortunately. Stay strong!

If you ever do meet up with your WW in person, please have a friend with you at all times or be in a public place at all times with a VAR. Her whole "I'm afraid of you" bull crap sounds like she's trying to set you up for a domestic violence charge.

I totally agree with everyone. Maintain No Contact.

Are there any grounds at all in your own mind as to why she was and is afraid of you, or is it all BS?

If there wasn't then she is truly far gone and you must just stay away from her physically, period.

Apologies if this has already been covered.

She doesn't view you as abusive and controlling. She wants everyone to think that shit because it makes you the bad guy,and her the damsel in distress who needs saving. She's telling her boyfriend you're awful,so he can play the knight in shining armor. Every time you respond, you are playing right into her hands. You seem to believe her accusations. That this is how she really feels. She knows she's full of shit, but it works for her if she can get everyone to believe her.

She will have to settle AGAIN, she said. She's telling you she settled for you. And she's going to tell everyone she HAD to be with OM now, because you took everything from her.

All of this is being done to justify her deplorable behavior. None of it has to be true for her to do this. You're desperately trying to get her to believe you're not this..or that. SHE KNOWS. But she needs you to be the bad guy.

Man you need to file and have her served. Even IF she were to say she wants to stay married, this will never work. Imagine how that would look. You'd be running around like a trained monkey trying to make her happy. You wouldn't be allowed to talk about the affair,or set boundaries, and anytime she decided you didn't do enough for her, she will threaten to cheat, to keep you in line. Or she will just keep cheat

You act as if she's the prize here. She's a lying,cheat, manipulative, horrible woman. The woman you loved never existed.

Stop responding to her texts. She doesn't care about your pain. She cares that the money has been taken from her, so now she will have to pay her own phone bill,and she can't take her friend out for sushi on her husband's dime.

Someone said you need to find your anger. You desperately need to find your anger

You're the loving and faithful husband. You are the prize.

Notice that she had no desire to contact you until you cut her off financially? I think she had this all planned out. She would quit her job, move in with her parents and enjoy her fantasy life with OM (via the computer 24/7). You weren't there to call her out on her behavior. Her family wouldn't care as long as she helped them out... You've cut her off financially and I'll be her family is starting to get annoyed at her just sitting around. I'm sure they've noticed her obsession with OM. They might have said something and she started thinking about getting her own place but... she doesn't have money. My guess is that her family, her financial state, and the fact that OM only wants to be virtual friends is causing her anxiety.

Notice a few things about her part of the conversation. She never says anything about her contact with OM, her cheating. She never says anything about fixing the marriage. Her whole goal is to get you to financially hook her up while she continues to "find herself."

At this point she knows that you are willing to work on the marriage with her. That you are willing to change. That you love her... It's not about her knowing this information it's about her wanting to fix this. She doesn't want to be cause she want's to hang out with OM online. She says thing about being to afraid of you to email/text but then... sends emails and texts about not having money. The anxiety she has could revolve around how she is treating you and her cheating.

Not supporting her financially is giving her a first taste of what losing the marriage and your financial stability would feel like. She can no long quit her job on a whim.

You are doing fine. I think NC and talking to your lawyer is best right now. If she want's to fix this marriage she will contact you.