SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's okay to take some time and think through about the marriage but you should not always get an "I don't know." Get a definite answer from her whether she wants to reconcile or not. If she wants the former then don't go ask her what to do to save the marriage. She should be the one to speak up to you on how to save the marriage.She should double up her efforts if she really wants to reconcile.

I've been in relationships for the last decade of my life pretty much with a 3 month gap.

Why is that? It might be worth bringing this up in IC, your need to lean on someone else. What was your 3mth 'break' like? Did you enjoy it, or were you anxiously looking for the next branch to swing to? If you were anxious, why?

I am sorry that I am not immediately doing what you all are saying I should do. I truly am. I am sorry.

Falc, don't be sorry. Be angry. Sorry is just indecisiveness. It gets you nowhere.

At the moment, you are just floundering, and you are pain-shopping. Reveling in the 'oh woe is me' pain. I understand that, but it is not a good thing to do. The only person that can help you (cliched but true) is yourself.

As to your mother's ring, get it back anyway. She does not deserve it, the way she is acting. For all you know, she could be doing what ChumpChange's 'wife' did with her OM. Get it back, and if you do R, then you can give it back to her again (if you so wish, but if I were you, I'd just give another ring instead, and keep your mother's ring in a safe place).

Falc, don't be sorry. Be angry. Sorry is just indecisiveness. It gets you nowhere.

Yes, that's what's so frustrating about this thread. You should be righteously pissed off!

We're all pulling for you.

If your body is hurting from walking into a brick wall over and over again... the first thing to do is to stop walking into the brick wall!!!!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:24 AM, October 16th (Tuesday)]

Falc,

No need to be sorry. We all get so worked up when we see another member making the same mistakes we all made. We're here to guide you. Even if it means LOTS of tough love.

Strength, dude.

So you understand that she doesn’t want to R right? She has made you out to be this scary, abusive, jerk. That’s the story she believes right now. She was a miserable, mistreated, victim if you. She’s spreading that story. She’s not going to come back, even if her new guy starts losing his appeal. Taking you back now would look bad.

I think your IC has a point. In this scenario, if reconciliation is an end goal, then some contact makes sense. Out of sight. Out of mind. It’s easy to just fade away right now. The issue is that reconciliation isn’t a likely outcome here. Do you know why she was upset that you were NC for two weeks? It hurt her ego. She didn’t want to work on your marriage, she wanted you to chase her. You didn’t do that and it annoyed her. Your text conversations aren’t accomplishing anything. It’s a lot of blaming and villainizing. Do you honestly think the conversation would have gone any differently last week?

She sounds very immature. Maybe you were abusive. Maybe she has reason to be scared. From your description of your marriage, she just didn’t want to take time out from playing video games to find a stable job or do chores. Asking your partner to wash their dirty dishes is not abuse. It’s not controlling to prioritize paying bills over doing fun things. It’s called being a responsible adult.

You and I are around the same age. I just couldn’t imagine having these conversations with a partner. I value having good credit. Bill payments come first. Cleaning keeps ants away. You’re not old, but you’re too old for this drama. If she didn’t like something in the marriage she should have talked to you instead of complaining about you online.

You’re not wrong.

I don't believe I was abusive. Everything we fought about was surface stuff. I said a few bad things that might've made her feel ugly or bad. But I have values and morals, I would never abuse anyone. It is true that R seems unlikely with how she is acting. She will talk to the marriage counselor on Wednesday over the phone, I'm not hopeful for any positive outcome.

She just got a decent job, she's putting down roots. I just don't understand why she can't just tell me the truth and just splatter me with 'I don't knows'. I think in a couple days I will send her a text saying:

"You got frustrated at me for not contacting you for 2 weeks and I've been trying to contact you more regularly. It seems that you don't want to really talk to me. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate this painful, awkward situation and I need to do what's best for me at this point which is focus on myself. I will be in town next week, if you'd like to meet, let me know. I am not sure it is a good idea for us to see each other at this point. If you are not wearing my Mom's ring, I would like it back. My position on working on the marriage hasn't changed, but it is apparent that you are not willing to try at this point. My position could change as I re-evaluate and as I progress in working on myself. If you'd like to talk or if you feel you'd like to try to work on the marriage, I am open to having a conversation. If you'd like to end the marriage, I would appreciate an honest answer. Hope you have a good day."

For what it’s worth, I think she will look back in 10 years and see your relationship in a different light. The issues you talk about don’t sound out of the ordinary at all. Couples argue about stupid things sometimes. It really seems like she has some growing up to do.

I’m sure people with more experience than myself will have more to say about your message, but I think its fine. You want a resolution of some sort. You can get that with NC and divorce papers, but you don’t want to regrets. I get it.

Don’t expect to get what you’re looking for from her, but if trying to communicate in a dignified way helps you, then I say go for it.

She just got a decent job, she's putting down roots. I just don't understand why she can't just tell me the truth and just splatter me with 'I don't knows'. I think in a couple days I will send her a text saying:

I get that you want closure, but closure rarely occurs outside of made-for-TV movies. People don't like to take responsibility for their failures and your WW appears to be the epitome, so a response to your repeated questions is highly unlikely. Even if you received a response it couldn't be considered credible.

Chasing after her and begging her for honesty or even a response is weak and a sure path to not saving your marriage, if that indeed is your objective. To save your marriage, you must risk losing it. At least you'll have your dignity in tact.

Start detaching. That will put you in the best position. The 180 is designed to help you do that. Find another hobby besides playing tag with your WW.

[This message edited by Justabranch at 11:26 AM, October 16th (Tuesday)]

Falc

Don't send her that text

Be strong please

I think that doing it in a dignified way is the best way for me. She is so caught up in her image of me "manipulative, vindictive, abusive" that I feel I need to take a graceful approach. For me and the person I am, I can still come from a position of strength. I can tell her that I am going NC and focusing on me and that if she wants to reconcile, she'll need to show me. But yes, I do feel that this contact is fruitless and is not really serving my needs.

It's her birthday today and I feel like absolute dogshit.

Ah....

Why are you telling her anything at this point?

Don't tell her you're going NC. Don't tell her you're going to the grocery store or to the bathroom. Don't tell her anything!

You can't convince her of anything. An outside source possibly could.

Only communicate when necessary.

For example, a simple message stating you would like the ring back should be fine. Nothing more.

Better yet, let your lawyer send the message.

Don't go into a soliloquy or any other speech.

Get a pitbull attorney involved and let him handle it. Let her fear the wrath of Falc (through your attorney of course).

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE ALL SCREAMING AT YOU TO DO!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:24 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]

I am holding back because she is saying how super depressed she is/was. In my mind, me being a shark and having her fear my wrath isn't the way to go about this. She already fears me (manipulative, abusive, vindictive) and I'm trying to steer away from that narrative because that is not who I am. However, no matter what I do, it will be seen as abusive, manipulative, or vindictive.

How can I do this and still be right with myself if I don't do it the way I feel in my mind is best for me? I can still come from a position of strength, can't I?

Then say this

"I will be taking a step back and re-evaluating this painful situation. I will be doing what is best for me. While I am making my decision, one thing that I am sure of is that I would like my mom's ring back."

To be clear, I don’t think sending the message will accomplish anything regarding your marriage. She’s not going to respect you for sending it. It won’t change her opinion of you. Her dad’s knowledge of the situation is coming directly from her. He probably isn’t going to see the text.

The way I look at it, she’s done. You would be better off filing and asking your lawyer to request the ring. If anything that might jolt her back to reality (but do you even want that?!!?)

You want to give her one last chance. If you feel you need to do that for yourself, then so be it. Your message isn’t overly embarrassing. If it allows you to walk away and file knowing you were true to yourself, then its not the worst thing ever.

But file. Don’t accept any wishy washy maybe we can try someday talk. Sending this message will be a setback, but only you can decide if it’s worth it. I know many here wish they went scorched earth, but let’s be real, not many do right out of the gate. It’s hard. Do what you need to do to look back on this nightmare and feel at peace with your actions.

[This message edited by Slowlygoingcrazy at 2:42 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]

I went scorched earth and guess what

I'm still married.

Quit playing her games Falc

Falc , Several things pop out to me.

when she was confronted about gaming ant sexting another guy while married to you she....

1) moved 2000 miles away.

2) left you with all the bills

3) got a decent job

4)accused you of being controlling and manipulative.

This is who you are trying reconcile with. every time you push back or call her out she accuses you of being manipulative, yet she is the manipulative one. She knows if she plays the depressed wife you will back off.

You dont need to tell her you are going NC, you just do it. Its that simple. Dont play the pick me dance anymore , no ultimatums . Personally I think if there was any chance that R could happen , she would not have moved away . I mean who does that ? You have to stop seeing your wife as this fragile special snowflake. You need to see her as she really is . Someone who didnt respect your vows and instead of accepting responsibility for her actions , she ran away and is making you to be the bad guy.

Things in life get tougher than this , much tougher . How do you think she will respond then? Is she someone you want to build a life with? She will string you along until she no longer has any use for you . You cant fix her . You cant hold the marriage up by yourself , it takes two. Besides you deserve better than to be shit on , left holding the bag . You deserve a spouse that has your back at all times and doesnt disappear when things get tough , but is willing to fight for the marriage as hard as you . This thing stops when you say its enough.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 3:21 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]

Yeah, 1survivor you definitely pieced it together pretty well. I think a text stating 'I will be stepping back and re-evaluating this painful, awkward situation and doing what's best for me. I will be in town next week but I don't think it's a great idea to see each other. If you would like to see me, let me know. One thing I am sure of is that if you are not wearing my Mom's ring, I would like it back' would be appropriate.

[This message edited by Falc at 3:40 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]

No it isn't appropriate.

No contact is appropriate.

Don't talk to her.

File for divorce.

Only contact, I want my mothers ring back. And your share of what ever bills are due. She is still married to you and is responsible for her part of paying the bills.

I went scorched earth and guess what

I'm still married.

Quit playing her games Falc

I'm the same as Gutpunch and we are happy R now.

She rewrote your marital history to say you were/are abusive and you take it.

She shits on you and you take it.