SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have good advice. All you have to do Is apply it.

Good luck

[This message edited by Marz at 8:13 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]

Man I can't win. She's making me chase her to meet up. 'I don't know when I work until', 'Im heading to baraboo with my sister', 'I work until 1pm', 'I don't want to ruin your dinner plans'.

She already ruined my life, not sure why she cares so much about my dinner plans. This is so stupid.

Hi Falc

Don’t chase her. I’d say, “it sounds like you don’t want to meet. I am not interested in making you do something you don’t want to do. I’ve been interested in working on our marriage but can’t and won’t try with someone living 2000 miles away who’s in love with another man. I’m returning to Cali on Friday. If you are Interested in working on things I’ll know it only if you show back up at our home. I won’t be holding my breath and in the meantime will be working to end our marriage so we both can move on. I’m disappointed it has come to this. “

And then go NC. I know you have found it hard to go NC but if she won’t even meet with you then you have no other path.

If you do end up meeting with her I recommend saying the same type of thing to her. If she’s uncertain about even meeting then i doubt that her message is going to be “I fucked up, I love you, I want to come back and make this right again”. If she does tell her you will start working on R when she arrives back to your home.

Same thing when she likely says “I don’t know”. Tell her you understand and will work to end the M so you each can get on with your lives. There really is no other possible message. If she won’t come home and is pining away for this POSOM then let her go. You deserve better.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:14 AM, October 24th (Wednesday)]

I have been following your thread because my husband and I are both active gamers and I could relate to the things you were saying.

I've been silently cheering for you, that your WW would come to her senses.

I'm usually the last person to advocate walking away.

However, your ww doesn't show any signs of cooperation, let alone remorse. You are young, with what appears to be a bright future. Run. Run now. Your WW checked out long ago and unfortunately you're just now having to play catch up. Good luck!

I think my wife is on some hit-list with animal charities. They phone her all the time asking for donations. To the point where she recognizes some of the numbers and won’t answer when they call. But they are persistent and will call again and again. When they do get through she might say things like “I’m busy right now” or “let me think for a day” or “call me later and I will give you an answer”. Then they phone again and once again she says she’s busy or lets it ring out or whatever…

Then she will turn to me and complain: “Why are they always phoning me? I never donate when they do that. When will they get it?”

She doesn’t like my answer…

I too got those calls, but I was very clear in answering them: “I have already made my donations to the charities I selected to support this year. I wish you all the best in your endeavors, but I won’t be donating any more this year.”

A clear answer. They say, “thank you” and usually don’t phone again.

Your wife is answering your requests for a talk the way my wife is answering the phone-calls from the charities. She’s saying “no thank you” without having to hurt someone that might even have a good cause. She’s postponing an answer in the hope that the issue goes away.

It’s like when you leave the used-car salesman with a “let me think about it” when you really have no intention of buying that Mustang.

Your wife is saying NO.

You have your answer to question #2.

Postponing moving on… well… It’s like installing new carpets in a burning house.

I would follow up on what Stevesn suggests but with slightly different wording:

“I would be interested in meeting to understand and determine where our marriage is headed. The present situation is not sustainable and can only end with us reconciling or us terminating the marriage. If you are reluctant to meet, then the former is clearly not what you want.”

She's making you chase her after you flew out there?

You have your answer.

Hop on a plane and go home.

No contact

Ask her if she will return your mother's ring. If she will pick it up and leave. Few words or drama should be exchanged. Then file for divorce.

Falc , I agree with the others. You have your answer. Obviously your wife is a major conflict avoider. Very tough to reconcile with someone like that. Just ask for your moms ring back and call it a day.

As others have said, get your mother's ring back and move on with your life. She's being very clear that she's moved on already. Sorry to hear about your situation. Don't allow yourself to be drug through any more pain; call the lawyer and have her served.

Yeah, this is just so stupid and immature. I'll text her after work some form of what has been said here.

You did all you could do. And then some. Time to hold your head high, send the type of message described by others today, and move on with your life. You’ll find a woman worthy of you, have a great life, and look back and feel good about you handled this tough ending.

Falc

Don’t focus on the ring.

I get the sentimental value and I’m not suggesting you forsake the ring. But right now, it’s not the issue. There are strategies and ways to ensure you get the ring eventually.

Look at it this way: You send her a message “I want my ring back” and suddenly, the issue isn’t whether she (or you) want to discuss the marriage. It’s really an issue of division of assets. What if she says “no”? What could, and would you do? Can’t sue her while she’s your wife. Can’t force it. If she says “yes, here it is” then what? Isn’t that about as clear a declaration of the marriage being over as possible?

Technically a ring – even an heirloom – becomes joint property and is therefore open for negotiation in the division of assets.

This is the mentality I want you to assume:

I want you to protect your best interests. I want you to detach the emotional and the financial aspects of your life. I want you to realize that for the attorneys and the judicial-system then your marriages issues and her infidelity are not a factor. I want you to acknowledge and accept that there are laws and processes that ensure that when you sign the divorce agreement it’s a good and fair settlement.

I want you to be in a superior position that allows you to make concessions to your wife in the final settlement rather than being in an inferior position where the court sentences you to make concessions.

Based on how the loan-agreement for the home is structured then you want to ensure you leave this marriage with as much of the trust your mom left as possible. I would suggest you investigate a fair one-off payment to your wife that leaves you with a manageable financial situation that you can then clean up and manage alone. That one-off payment will be connected to her returning the ring.

You have your answer from your WW. She wants to avoid you. Complain about you, etc. Only thing you may want to do is reach out to your FIL. Give him a short summary of what's happened. Ask if he could get your mothers ring back. Tell him him you'd like to see him before you leave. Thank him for accepting you into his family. Your WW continues to run away from conflict and consequences.

This may help, it may not. Least your FIL will know your a standup individual.

You gave it your best try to save your M. She is not interested and CV is too chicken to file herself.

Technically a ring – even an heirloom – becomes joint property and is therefore open for negotiation in the division of assets.

Under the laws of many states, an engagement ring is an unconditional gift. Since this gift is normally given prior to the marriage, it is separate property of the recipient (usually, a woman) and remains her separate property even after the marriage, even in community property states.

Bottom line: Be very careful before you give away your family's heirloom ring.

Real men don’t chase their shots or their women.

Personally I agree with Bigger and others. Let the lawyer negotiate the return of the ring if and when you go through the D process.

Don’t let her focus on the ring and not her A. It will only give her something to Gaslight you about.

Don’t want to break forum rules and post links but google these words:

california wedding ring heirloom divorce

and look at the advice on the first site that popped up.

IF the ring becomes an issue then the fact it’s an heirloom leaves you in a good position to get it back, BUT you might have to compensate your ex financially for it’s value.

Go home

No contact

Have her served

Try to get ring during divorce process

I'm here on business so I can't go home just yet. Its just so ridiculous. Who the fuck is this person I married??!?!!! It's such a joke that I even have to send her another text saying I want to meet. God.

 It's such a joke that I even have to send her another text saying I want to meet. God.

Why?