Hi Falc,
Need to catch up. Here are my comments on some of the things that have been going on.
NC is important but not as a tool to get a message across to her. NC is done for YOUR stability. It helps YOU in moving on. I think Stevensn idea of a semi-last message IF she responds is good. I might change the wording, but the idea is fine by me. I always prefer being direct and saying things out straight rather than some indirect symbolic and vague drama-ridden non-messages.
Like your decision to file. It’s not a decision taken to punish her. It’s a decision taken because the present situation doesn’t really allow any other reasonable outcome. She doesn’t want the marriage. You can’t be married alone. Ergo: divorce. It’s not a punishment or done for spite. It’s a consequence of decisions made by one or more participants in the marriage.
So, IF she responds with indignation or asks for time or whatever then something along these lines is OK IMHO if it reflects your will:
“You clearly stated that you did not want to work on this marriage. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that we divorce. Since I am too emotionally attached to this marriage I have asked my attorney to handle all aspects of it but have instructed him to be fair and to offer a settlement that is in accordance to law. This is not what I wanted but have no other option. If you think this marriage can be saved, then you need to let me know but be aware that I am doing my best to detach from the emotions I had towards you and our marriage. To help me heal I request that you direct all issues regarding the divorce to my attorney and keep any contact to me to a minimum, preferably none. This is important for my personal recovery from the pain this situation is causing.”
The key IMHO however is that you don’t hold your breath for a response and/or don’t respond to replies focusing on how this is inevitable and so on. It’s important that you simply carry on.
But then Falc… Maybe you (and we) are all focusing too much on what MIGHT happen. She MIGHT get angry, she MIGHT be glad, she MIGHT come crawling back, she MIGHT invite you to her wedding to OM, she MIGHT join NASA and become an astronaut.
I sense in you some insecurity. You are seeing two therapists and use this forum. I have questioned that before. It’s normal to seek assurance. Its sensible to ask for advice and to validate important questions and steps. But Falc – If there are issues where you already have a pretty good idea how to handle, bring it up with two therapists who probably give a comparable suggestion and then bring it up on the forum and get a couple or more new ideas… At some point YOU must evaluate what’s best and to jump.
And Falc – I think that to-date you have shown us that generally you do follow the correct path. You do take the advice onboard and you (reluctantly) commit to the best path.
I want you to think about that. Think about the insecurity about meeting with her. Think about the insecurity in how to approach that meeting. Then think how you decided to follow the suggestion of the 4 questions. Then think how you followed through…
Despite your insecurities and questions Falc you had the guts and the b@lls to decide and commit.
I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that you can take some of your actions and simply file them away as correct considering the conditions and situation. Your insecurities aren’t founded. You are better than you think.
This isn’t math. This isn’t 2+2=4. We are dealing with people, emotions and life here. 2+2 here could be 3 or 10 or a zillion or even a hamburger. There is no absolute correct path and probably no absolute wrong path. At best there are better paths and worse paths. IMHO you are following a better path built on better decisions along the way.
Get that? You have probably made 1000 mistakes along the way, but if the KEY decisions are correct then you are fine.
Think of it this way: When explorers are searching for Eldorado (city of gold) they beat a path winding through the jungle. It’s not a direct path. It might even circle. Once they find the city they might look back and realize they spent months meandering about. Doesn’t really matter if they reach their goal.
Falc – There is this methodology that I use a lot to alleviate concerns and stress. Basically, it’s based on taking your concerns and grouping them in two distinct categories: Can I impact it or not? If you can impact it then think how and then do so. But once you have done all you can then let it go. If you can’t impact it then simply don’t worry about it.
I am going to suggest a comparable methodology regarding your WW.
You have made your stance clear. You have filed because it was inevitable considering the options.
Can you be in a marriage where one person is in it and the other not? No. Not really. So, stop worrying about if you are doing the right thing. You can’t impact it right now.
Can you make your WW change her mind? No. Not really. All you can do is set up certain conditions that might entice her to rethink her stance, but other than that there isn’t much you can do. So, stop worrying about it. You can'
Don’t spend all night wondering how she will react. You can’t control that. You can’t impact her reaction. If you are offering a fair settlement and all the dots are connected, then you have done all you can. Lying awake at night worrying that she will demand the house or get support, talk trash about you, meet OM or whatever… It’s not in your hands. IF she demands the house or support THEN deal with it through realistic means (attorney). IF you hear she’s talking trash or IF she’s seeing OM… well… can you impact that? Does it really impact you? Does it make an iota of difference if some guy in Florida or Edna her aunt in New Jersey thinks badly of you for 10 minutes?
She thinks you are controlling and manipulative?
Are you Falc?
Asking your wife not to sext with another man is neither controlling nor manipulative.
Dictating her hairstyle and dress, refusing her coconut-yoghurt and insisting she only eat strawberry is controlling.
Telling her that you will buy her a diamond ring if she doesn’t sext with other men is manipulative.
Telling her that since she doesn’t want to work on the marriage you need to divorce isn’t. It’s a consequence.
Falc – Your wife simply chose the most complex word she knew to justify her actions.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this is what happened: Relatively FEW of those in an EA realize they are in an affair. The term EA is only about 30-40 years old, and still isn’t acknowledged by many. I’m guessing that at some time she might have told Mr. Florida that her husband didn’t want her to be in touch with him. Keep in mind you haven’t ever shared what they did... We don’t know if it was only talk with sexual content, nudity, provocative actions or masturbation or what.
So anyways – she’s there complaining to OM about your unreasonable stance and he says “Oh wow. Your old man is so controlling. He is threatening you if we remain friends. How manipulative!”
And there you have it. You Falc have been defined as controlling and manipulative.
Does that make you either?
Think not.
She could just as well have said you two weren’t compatible. Or that she had been unhappy for years. Or that she hates the blue shirt you wore last NYE. Or that you have bad breath. Or whatever Falc. She would have found ANY excuse to justify or explain why she “had to” end the marriage. Any excuse other than she couldn’t comply with being faithful.
Finally, finally Falc – I advise against dating right now. Take a month or two to simply focus on YOU and find validation in yourself. It goes back to the insecurities. You need to validate yourself through your actions and your thoughts, not through the adulation of others.
You are better than you think you are Falc. Start believing that.
