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Lol. So she would respect you enough to tell you not to buy airline tickets, but didn't respect you enough not to cheat.

Bless her heart.

I think you opened yourself up to more pain. You told her there was still a chance to stop the divorce. She's desperate for that car. I predict she will have a sudden change of heart in the next few days. She will suddenly consider reconciliation. She may use that plane ticket to come home,and get you to drop the divorce, and the minute you do,she will hop in the car and leave.

She's no prize here. She sounds horrible. You sound like a good man. And she will use that against you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:14 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

Yeah if I was cheeky I'd respond saying:

"Thanks for the respect vote. Where was the respect when you cheated on me? Or when you went outside our marriage for validation? Or when you up and abandoned me? Or left me with all the bills including paying for your car? Fuck your respect and fuck you".

But I'm not going to do that.

You seem to be healing or at least progressing toward the anger stage based on your posts. Is this correct?

Trying my best Ripped. Every day it's a struggle but I'm keeping busy, going to the gym, going to IC, etc. I don't think I am truly angry, I just see it for what it is. She has completely forgotten what she did or has put it out of her mind conveniently.

You gave her so many chances falc. She's young and thought you would always be the same reasonable person and give her whatever she asks. Divorce isn't a pleasant thing. I don't like to see young people having to experience it. Well, I wish no one had to.

When I was 26, I didn't seek wisdom. I was focused on what I wanted even if it wasn't for the best. She's got to find her maturity. The plane tickets, the car, all that's going to be a blip in her memory when she's 40. Maybe she laughs at herself at 50. I hope she can.

And you're going to be a merry old soul at 50 or 60 so just get through this part the best you can.

Falc no more texts !!! she's gone, she's crazy, just let your attorney handle it, go radio silent and let your STBXW figure it out.

Just crazy that it will be just a faint memory. Makes me sad. Fucking tragedy.

A key issue regarding the final message was the final part.

Final = no response.

You have gotten your message to her. Your stance is known.

And yes – it does open a path back to the marriage. IF she were to contact you and tell you she wanted to work on the marriage. IF she were willing to accept the expected concessions (if you can really call fidelity a concession…). IF she was willing to do the work then and only then you MIGHT still be willing to work on the marriage.

That’s a lot of IF’s… and none of them are being met so your MIGHT isn’t even relevant.

I would suggest you do this:

Your attorney says that YOU refused to let her get the car before the divorce.

What’s preventing the attorney from drawing up a settlement agreement?

She wants the car – it can be a big, overvalued chip. Play it.

“Here is the divorce settlement. Falc will keep the house and will remove WW name from the deed and all loans associated to the house. WW is responsible for credit-card A and B, Falc for C and D. Falc gets the old Mercury and WW get’s the new Lexus once she has refinanced it and removed Falc off the loan.”

Draw up a fair and acceptable divorce agreement and get it filed ASAP.

Keep in mind that your soon-to-be ex needs a car. She could go and get her own loan or buy a banger or maybe her dad has an old Ford he lets her have… She needs a car but wants the one with a loan YOU are signed for. If she can’t get that or if she gets confrontational she will still need a car and will meet that need somewhere else.

All that will do is leave you with a car you don’t need and a loan already in your name that you need to pay. I only see gain for you in letting her have the car.

Yeah, that is the plan. The settlement will be to give the car to her. However, if she truly does not want the car anymore because she's being a baby I can keep the car. She's just trying to play the victim to the very end. "I don't want anything, you get everything" is just a way to say "you're the huge abusive asshole, I just want to get away from you". It's only meant to hurt me more and make her to be the victim.

At this point, I will put in the settlement that the car goes to her. But if she's adamant that she doesn't want it, fine. I'll drive it or sell it.

What's preventing the settlement from being drawn up is she still needs to be served (happening on friday) and she needs to complete the declaration of asset forms and send them back. After that, the settlement can be drawn up.

[This message edited by Falc at 9:03 AM, November 15th (Thursday)]

"I don't want anything, you get everything" is just a way to say "you're the huge abusive asshole, I just want to get away from you"

Then take everything.

She has completely forgotten what she did or has put it out of her mind conveniently.

Falc

I’m an old guy and over the years I’ve noticed that people fall into two groups. Those that can ignore incontinent facts quite easily and those that are stuck with them.

"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence."

John Adams

2nd president of the US

Dear Falc,

I wouldn’t respond to any message sent by your wife. I would go silent and let your attorney do all the talking. Forward all correspondence from your wife to him. That is what you are paying him to do. At this moment in time, you must consider yourself, and your wife is no longer a concern of yours.

Bigheart

Yes, I took Bigger's advice and sent one last message last night and you can see her reply above. Aside from that I have been NC and will continue to be NC. The hardest thing to do is not send messages defending myself, or asking where was her respect when she cheated or abandoned me. But it is of no use, I will never win with this person. She has re-written our marriage history, she has conveniently forgotten the horrible things she has done to me and how they have ruined me emotionally and financially. Her mindset will take years to change, or will never change and I have to separate myself from this nightmare. No matter how hard it is, it is just awful and I hope I never have to experience this ever again.

With my Mom passing due to brain cancer just over a year ago and now this, I just hope that life will get better. My life is literally exploded, something has to rise from the ashes.

Falc

She baited you with that text and you took the line like a hungry fish.

Now she gets to tell herself ha I'm cheating on him and he still wants me back. Boy do I feel good about myself and what a loser he must be.

He is such a controlling jerk in his text, I knew i was justified in what i did. Let me go talk to my family and tell them how awful Falc is.

Live and Learn

NO CONTACT

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 2:43 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]

With my Mom passing due to brain cancer just over a year ago and now this, I just hope that life will get better. My life is literally exploded, something has to rise from the ashes.

Falc,

It will get better.

In the span of a year, I lost my mom to cancer, got divorced, sold a house I loved, and to top it off my 12 year old lab passed away. The only good thing about that year was that my beloved dog hung in there to get me thru the other stuff.

It does get better. having one "Annus horribilis" was better than it taking place over 3 or 4 years.

Gutpunch is right.Please stop telling her where you stand and that you still want her. I know you think it might knock some sense into her but I think it does the opposite.

If she really wanted to be with you and save the marriage, she would try. Probably more so if you had said "Take care!" from

the start and stuck to it.

I understand you are in pain and still trying to control the outcome but the sooner you let go and the better it will be for you.

[This message edited by strawberrypie at 2:05 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]

At this point, I will put in the settlement that the car goes to her. But if she's adamant that she doesn't want it, fine. I'll drive it or sell it.

In exchange for what ? nothing ?, Falc let your attorney handle this and counsel you, don't give up anything up front and use it as leverage, she wants nothing ? don't believe her, you know OM is most likely to drive and enjoy that car soon so at least get something out of it, if she wants it fine but let it be part of the negotiations, "you get this" "I get that of similar value", but don't just give anything up before you start the battle, if you're going to wind up giving everything please fire your attorney bc if that's the case you really don't need him to D.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:04 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]

There aren't really any assets to divide aside from the car and house. The issue here is I am offering her the car in exchange for no support payments, the house, everything inside the house including the pets, my 401k, my two IRAs, etc.

I think that I can live with offering her the car so I can be spared the humiliation that would be paying her support after what she's done to me.

I could be a dick if I wanted to. Currently, the house is worth about 695k, our loan is for 689k. We pay interest only at the moment, so the loan is still at 689k. I could sell the house and she'd be responsible for the Realtor and Escrow fees which amount to ~7% of the sale. If we sold the house for 700k, that would be half of $49,000 which is $24,000 minus $5,000 of profit which is $19,000. I could then take the car and absolve her of her share of the $9000 we have left in debt on the car. That would take her down to about $14,500 she'd owe. (Math was rounded up mostly)

Why am I not doing that? Not sure, there's no way she can pay that much money. It would just be a waste and I'd be out of a house and have the car instead. Just doesn't make a lot of sense IMO other than a big fuck you to her.

She also yelled and screamed at my lawyer on the phone because apparently she thought that when she was served papers, all she'd need to do is sign and we'd be officially divorced. She had no idea there was a whole legal process to it. And she also made the comment that she needs the car because she's moving. I wonder if Gutpunch was on the money and she's moving to Florida lol. Ultimately, who cares. I just want out of this fucking hellish nightmare as fast as I can, no matter how much it hurts. I can't stand this anymore.

[This message edited by Falc at 11:06 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]

There aren't really any assets to divide aside from the car and house. The issue here is I am offering her the car in exchange for no support payments, the house, everything inside the house including the pets, my 401k, my two IRAs, etc.

That's a pretty good deal, so yes go for it if she takes it.

she needs the car because she's moving. I wonder if Gutpunch was on the money and she's moving to Florida lol. Ultimately, who cares. I just want out of this fucking hellish nightmare as fast as I can, no matter how much it hurts. I can't stand this anymore.

Like I told you on my previous post, yes OM will most likely be driving that car pretty soon, I'm not sure if the move to FL will be permanent but very possible, at least for a while, but then again like you said, WHO F CARES !!! not your monkey anymore.

Hindsight tends to be 20/20…

Falk – I sense that you need closure. When I suggested the 4 questions I was expecting her to say no to #2, making the rest redundant. Her reaction didn’t surprise me. I could have predicted her reactions at something like 8/10. But you needed that opportunity. You needed that closure and the decisiveness of her refusal to work on the marriage was the message YOU needed.

Same with the reply I and Stevensn suggested. You still needed closure. I doubt anyone expected a positive reply, but now YOU are clearer on your mission. You know better where you stand.

There isn’t any weakness in it. There isn’t any commitment to reconciliation no matter what. I don’t get it when others see it that way. I don’t see any admittance that you accept her behavior or would take her back no matter what. I only see what is written in that message: That you would want to work on the marriage but since it’s not an option you are moving on.

Her replies would have come no matter what. That message didn’t open to them.

This site is full of stories of people that have reconciled from what one might call worse than you are dealing with. It’s also full of stories of people that have divorced from what one might call less than what you are dealing with. That is not the issue IMHO. True R or true D are GREAT ways out of infidelity. Immensely worse is the situation many remain in – generally with some excuse like doing it for the kids or now they control/dominate their spouse – where they learn to live with the infidelity without dealing with it. THAT is the pitfall I want YOU to avoid.

Your logic for the divorce makes sense. Try to get her to accept something that leaves you with the house and try to get her to accept some form of one-off payment. There is however one thing that is off IMHO:

She needs to refinance the car. Generally, cars depreciate faster than the loan on them lowers. Let’s say you bought a 20k car and have been paying 200 per month for 5 months. The loan stands at 19k but the car has depreciated by 18-20% = 16k. KBB value at private sale might even be lower. If she gets another car then all that might lead to is that you have 2 cars (by default, then one you don’t really need) and 19k in debt. Use that car as the bargaining chip I suggested.

Is preventing your then-ex-wife driving to Florida worth 19k in debt and a car that would be a constant visual reminder of her?

One more thing: True she needs to provide financial info, but don’t wait for it. Chances are you already have a good picture of the financial situation. I think your attorney is waiting for WW attorney to connect and then carry on from there. YOU keep the momentum. Don’t wait. You’re your attorney draw up a FAIR settlement based on the info you have. Your attorney should be able to do this based on what is already available. The attorney will include some legal-sounding sentence along the lines of:

“Both Falk and Bubblehead confirm that they have been forthcoming in providing all required details as to their financial commitments at the date of this signature and absolve each other of any obligation that might be discovered after the signing, even if they predate the signature.”