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I'm just wondering about those who have done the 180 and had success in it. AMD i mean every style of success. Whether it helped u to move on and now your happy and divorced. If it helped your spouse see the light and now you're reconciling. Or any other variation of success.

I am wondering the same! Also wondering how long you did the 180 for before you started to notice your spouse coming back around.

The 180 isn't a game to get your WS to pay attention. It's to help the BS detach,take care of themselves, and think more clearly with their head,not their heart.

It helped on all counts. I detached, was polite and distant, and started doing things for me, concerts, wine tasting, etc. I think he was shocked. He CLAIMED he was working on recovery, I think that pushed him into really digging into himself. It wasn't perfect, I clearly slipped but in general, I detached. And yes, for me.

My problem was reattaching once he demonstrated real change. That's still a work in progress.

My problem was reattaching once he demonstrated real change. That's still a work in progress.

Yep.

Once I really started focusing on me and spoiling me and working on me, I couldn't remember why I would ever want to go back to the way it was. I wasn't happy because I didn't know what happiness was or how to be happy with me; now I couldn't imagine giving it up!

And my H looked very different without those rose colored glasses.

I did the 180 at DDay 2 and false reconciliation and this last A being his second A.

It worked in conjunction with me telling my H that I was D him. I had no choice. I had nothing left and I could no longer live with him cheating. He was free to go and be with the OW.

He had ended the A a few hours to me finding out about the A.

So the 180 worked for me and him. He realized I was out of tolerance and patience for him. I had one foot out the door. And he realized if he wanted me to stay he needed to work hard to make amends.

And we have R and it’s been 5 years. We are good. It those rose colored glasses no longer exist - that’s for sure.

I had a very strange situation - my bio has full story, but TL, DR: WH had year long EA with OW in our small workforce of 5 people.

He told me he wanted to separate in January 2018 and we continued to live together in marital home for a few weeks before he found somewhere else to stay. Until July, we were all still working together in the same small office. He has now left, OW is still here.

When WH first told me he wanted to separate, I danced the pick me dance. Oh, I did everything I could to make him 'see sense' and even reading his journal and finding the sordid truth of the previous 12 months wasn't really enough to push me away. I'd do my best - 180 for an evening - but by the next morning, I'd be back talking to him.

He thankfully went away for a week and during that time, I spent a lot of hours on here getting some really good and helpful advice from people who knew what they were talking about - and cared about me and my life. When WH came back, it was so very difficult, but I realised that I had to 180 for my own good. He had always tried to be my friend and wanted us to be happy families while he made a go of things properly with the OW, but I told him in no uncertain terms that I was disgusted by them and that I was done.

For many months, I was civil to him - and to a much lesser extent, her - at work because I had to be. But anything else, I ignored him. He continuously asked things like, 'how was your weekend?' and 'up to much this evening?' and I would blank him. We had to have a few discussions about the marital home and divorce, but as soon as he tried to talk personal details, I'd shoot him down.

I (still have) a very good relationship with my in-laws. When it all first happened, I would cry to my WH and beg him to come back to me. As soon as I stopped doing that, I'd hear from my mother-in-law that WH was getting very confused - and upset - that I was pulling away from him. It reinforced the fact that while he was able to 'comfort me' and hug me, he was able to feel like he was doing good and looking after me. When he realised I was doing my best to get over him and no longer wanted his help, he was forced to realise (to an extent) what he had done.

180 is a bloody difficult thing to put in place - and you will fall off the wagon many times. But you dust yourself down and get back on it. Because no matter how much it hurts to be cold towards your partner, the power you feel when you look at yourself in the mirror and think about what you've achieved in the face of such pain... it's incredible.

And use this forum. Everyone of us here is a hero.

The purpose of the 180 is to enable the betrayed spouse to have space to find the truth of her/his heart. It is NOT a gambit to divert the wayward spouse toward R.

In light of its purpose, there are many threads here where the 180 worked. In fact, the threads where a BS finds her- or himself in purgatory years later, still married to a WS who has not done any real work other than a few token efforts, in most of those threads, the BS failed to maintain the 180, usually because of the siren song of "hopium" and the human desire to restore the M back to its pre-A status quo, as if the A had never happened. That almost always fails.

I did the 180 before I even knew what the 180 was . In my 1st M...after I found out my XWH was cheating on me...I did the "pick me dance" like a PRO. I WON...he came back. Only...I caught him cheating on me almost 2 years later...and by this time...we had a child. I learned the hard way from that M that the "pick me dance" does NOT work.

Almost 30 years later...to the day...my 2nd H started his A. I went from hugging him to pushing him away in a matter of SECONDS after he confessed to his A. That 180 I did made his head spin so fast that the A fantasy land bubble POPPED!!! When I told him the M was OVER...with NO emotion whatsoever...and walked out of the living room...my H told me his heart SANK. Just a few minutes earlier he told me when he started his confession, "I love you like I've never loved anyone else...but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore". But when I walked out of the room...he told me later that he realized the BEST thing that ever happened to him was leaving...and he was definitely IN LOVE with me. He didn't know what to do...but all he wanted was to be with ME.

Within an hour of his confession...we started talking about R. I gave him ULTIMATUMS...and if he didn't agree to every one...he could leave. He quickly agreed to ALL of them . He later said that he thought to himself that IF I gave him another chance...he would do whatever it took. I wish I would have known that then...I would have given him MORE ultimatums !!!

Like others on here have said...the 180 is for YOU...not something to be used to "win" your spouse back. I have seen the destruction of the "pick me dance" first hand...it NEVER works. The 180 will give YOU what you need to detach from the toxic place you are in . There is a saying on here...you have to be willing to LOSE the M in order to SAVE it. IF your WS walks away anyway...they were never worthy of staying. They have to want to fight FOR the M as much as you do in order for R to even happen.

The 180 WORKS . The M may not work out...but the 180 makes the BS a stronger and healthier person no matter the outcome .

With "possible" multiple EAs and one EA possible PA, I never did the 180. I did a scorched earth approach & oddly enough it worked for me.

*I say possible bc we have never sat down and discussed details or named them as EAs and I was unable to discover email/IM traffic.

Yes,

The divorce and separation forum has numerous examples and I am one of them. It helped me to detach to the point that I cannot remember the last time I wished to have contact or contacted my wayward wife.

In the D&S forum they are experts at detaching. The members there are great at assisting in such endeavors.

This is just my opinion but I do not know how detaching or implementing a hard 180 is useful for reconciliation unless it is to prevent codependent tendencies.

Once you cease communication then dissolution of the relationship seems natural.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:46 AM, September 26th (Wednesday)]

My 180 really took hold when I moved 5h away. That helped me immensely.

I really got to see that life without the ex was less stressful, less crazy and just all around better. Mostly because I could focus on me and my kids.

It made the decision to D easy.

The 180 certainly worked for me, in that it gave me the mental distance and clarity to decide what I wanted and deserved. It was also good in giving me mental space to process, to be "at home" with myself. I used various modifications of it until the last big betrayal, and then I implemented it to the full. Fully intending to divorce. I was distantly pleasant, got my own shit together, made my own plans, worked on the separation agreement, and otherwise was a distant and self-involved roommate. And frankly, I would have been OK with whatever happened. Because it became about me and my needs, and not about anything else.

The fact that we have managed to reconcile is only a sidenote to this post. The 180 gave me the clarity to know that I would be OK no matter what. Something I cultivate to this day.

When implementing the 180 do I just suddenly start doing it? My H walks around here like nothing ever happened. That he hasn't done anything wrong. So I'm just wondering do I give a warning like i need space or something or do I just suddenly stop talking, stop kissing him goodbye, stop everything even tho hes trying to "reconcile" with me. I just dont believe hes being genuine and I dont trust him. I think hes trying to manipulate me so he can still talk to other women without the worry of me leaving and taking half his money with me.

Before my Dday, my husband had been treating me like shit for several months. His dissatisfaction with me got progressively worse. I did the pick me dance not knowing I was doing it. Upon Dday, I was so disgusted with myself for having bent over backwards trying to make my husband love me again that I did the 180 not knowing that is what it was called. I didn't find SI until a few months after Dday. All I knew was that I had danced my best for that fucktard and THIS was why he was so nasty. Fuck that noise. So I started detaching and making my exit plan. Nobody cheats on me and then I dance for them. I was the prize not him. We went through a few months of false R but I did the 180 the whole time. I divorced him after broken NC and lived happily ever after. So, yes, the 180 worked beautifully for me.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:51 AM, September 27th (Thursday)]

In response to your question, you just start doing it. Do not tell your wayward husband you are doing it. It is for you to detach. He will notice very quickly if implemented correctly.

When implementing the 180 do I just suddenly start doing it? My H walks around here like nothing ever happened. That he hasn't done anything wrong. So I'm just wondering do I give a warning like i need space or something or do I just suddenly stop talking, stop kissing him goodbye, stop everything even tho hes trying to "reconcile" with me. I just dont believe hes being genuine and I dont trust him. I think hes trying to manipulate me so he can still talk to other women without the worry of me leaving and taking half his money with me.

Part of doing the 180 is not "warning" him or having conversations with him. Just view him as an old friend who's living in your house temporarily. You're polite, civil but no engaging. No talks about feelings, no telling him about your day at work, nothing about your fears or hopes or dreams. You're trying to detach your feelings from him, those feelings that you can't live without him and feeling that he's your one true love, etc. As you detach those, you'll be able to view your situation more clearly, without so many emotions muddling the thought processes. At that point, you'll be able to figure what to do, whether it be R, S or D.

In the meantime, you would be well-advised to begin looking for a good attorney and maybe have a couple of consultations so you know what to expect if things don't go well. I'm not suggesting you file, not at all. I'm just saying to gather all the information and learn your rights and find out the likely outcome for you financially.

And, it might be prudent to make copies of all your financial stuff. Everything. And put it all in a safe place - safe deposit box, a friend's house, somewhere not in your house.

Keep posting here. There are a lot of very caring and wise people here who will support you.

Thanks josiep. It's hard for me because I dont work. He has the money and has taken away all my access. If u want anything at all I have to ask him to but it. I can't even go anywhere for fear of not having gas. I tried to file for support but I can't get it while we live together and I can't move because I can't access the money. I'm trying to implement the 180, but it's hard when I have to ask for everything. He can go out all night and buy beer and see his friends, but I can't leave the house unless i get gas in my car and I can't go out with friends cuz I dont have any cash at all. Besides we have kids that I'm responsible for. Irritates me to death.

How do you do a 180 if your WS moved 2000 miles away? My Dday was almost 2 weeks ago. I did the pick me dance for a week, then floundered between 180 and saying I wanted the marriage to work. Am I in too deep? She said she needed time and space so she moved home 2000 miles away and stuck me with everything (house payment, property taxes, etc).

I almost feel like I am doing the 180 just to have her back and not for myself and I don't understand why.

Started on a Monday by Wednesday he drank his face off became suicidal stating he had a plan and was hospitalized. That was his bottom I suppose and him realizing the OW didn’t care. When he was released he asked if he could come home and we then we started working on R.