SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was one who at the time wanted, and got the details. Probably a big mistake. I also got the line that it was different. In this case it actually was. We experimented, but for the most part we liked to take our time and my wife enjoyed setting stages with clothes, candles, etc.

Her sex with him was way rougher, quick, and included the usual menu affair sex of anal etc. Things we had done a couple of times, but dropped because she really didnt enjoy it, and why would I want to do something that she didnt like.

As to whether or not it was better, she said no, but It had to be pretty damn good for her to go back for it as many times as she did. As she got some distance from it, the pleasure in her mind decreased to where at the end she said she wanted to throw up thinking about it. Of course that was after she suffered a lot of consequences. She lost her marriage, the respect of her kids and her friends, so the price was pretty big.

The sad thing for her was the kind of sex she had with him, although not the acts, was what she got from me. After finding out I had oral with her after him, except for one aborted attempt where I came close to throwing up in my mouth, we never did it again. She cried and apologized, but it was too much. That really sucked as I loved doing it for her as she got huge amounts of pleasure from it. Often thats all we did. Probably did it thousands of times in 25 years, and not once in the 5 years after.

It was pretty quick sex and frankly was more of a release than anything else. She wanted to bring back the candles and the massage oil, but it just rang as phony. I even had her replace the replacement with a king rather than a queen to give me more space if i stayed in that room at all. The holding after if it happened was just a courtesy on my part.

I know the WS here are convinced that because they tell their BS that the sex wasn't as good, the BS believes it. Don't be so sure. Especially in the cases where the BS finds correspondence that says otherwise. If it were me, I would believe the texts or emails. That to me is where the truth would lie. Of course a WS who wants to save their marriage will insist that their husband is bigger, better and a lover they want. But at least in my case the words say one thing, the evidence says, at least in that point in time, what he was giving her almost every day is what she wanted.

The truly sad thing is I know her and she would have gotten tired of it. She was a romantic at heart.

OP here. I appreciated many of the comments.

I especially appreciated the comments by OwningIt and Waited.

Waited explained the way I think about my wife's infidelity but Waited's wife and OwningIt both said they look back in disgust which is very interesting. I hope my wife looks back at her actions as disgusting one day but I doubt it. She had a two year long affair. It is probably harder to discount two years of sex than a few weeks of sex.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 10:04 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

You're torturing yourself by asking questions that you'll NEVER have the answer to with certainty. After a while I realized that if my WW could lie about something, she would - and that would let her neatly avoid an uncomfortable situation with me, or worse divorce.

The affair happened. Nothing can be done make it not have happen. My WW enjoyed sex that may have been better than what I can provide. She may still hold a candle for her OM. Maybe I'm her plan B (with OM being plan A).

I have to accept that. Of course my WW denies all this stuff. Do I believe her? I'd like to, but I'll never know for sure.

Acceptance is your first step back to a normal life. Reconcile or divorce, it doesn't matter. We have to accept that THIS shit storm is our life, then start moving forward again.

Nightmare

Get a polygraph. That is my plan if I don't chose to divorce.

( Right now i am tending toward divorce. )

How many questions can you ask? How do you know what you don't know?

If I chose not to divorce I will get as many polygraphs as necessary.

Take this from a 17 year veteran of this shit - if your WW isn't instantly remorseful and a complete open book, divorce.

My WW was remorseful and I had access to all her accounts... and yet I still sometimes think that I should have divorced her, maybe I'd be in a better place today if I had. That's not to say that I'm not in a good place, but her LTA is there, you know? It hangs in my mind, and when says something that seems even a slight bit off I worry.

If I had divorced her though, would I still suspect a new person? My trust has been shattered, so maybe that would shadow any future relationship.

[This message edited by nightmare01 at 10:20 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Nightmare

I may only need to ask two simple questions:

1) Did you prefer having sex with your AP compared to your husband

2) Did APs penis feel better during sex?

I would have a very hard time staying married to my wife if she had better sex with her AP and/or his penis actually felt better during sex. Those two things would make me miserable.

If he ejaculated on her face I would be angry and grossed out but it would not make me feel inadequate. I would get over it. I would not get over feelings of inadequacy.

I have no interest in feeling sexually inadequate with my wife of 30plus years because she fucked someone else while married to me.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 10:28 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Nightmare

Why do you say a wife needs to be instantly remorseful ?

HikingOut said it took her months to be remorseful. I think she said nine months.

How do you even know they are remorseful and not faking it without months of action to prove it.

I would suggest a third question:

Would you rather be with OM than me?

Nightmare

Your third option is the same as asking if sex with AP was better than me.

Edit: or did you mean in a relationship not just sex ?

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 10:34 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

BTW:

This is fucking pathetic that I am worrying about if my wife of 30plus years had better sex with another man who had a bigger dick that might have felt better in her vagina.

Fuck her for putting me in this position.

This is one of many reasons I am tending toward divorce.

The question relates to something you'll wonder about at some time... are you your WW's plan B?

Maybe your WW's OM wanted to stay with is BW for the sake of kids or finances or something like that. In that case they could be mooning over 'what ifs', as in: oh the world is so unfair because I met my soulmate after I was already married, and so I'll sacrifice myself and try to be happy with my plan B... but deep in my heart I'll always love OM.

So, it's more of a relationship question.

I will provide you a different perspective regarding your questions.

1) do WSs enjoy sex with the BSs as much as they did before the affair or does the misery of the affair ruin sex for the WS too ?

I will never know because I will not have sex with my wayward wife to judge her physical response or ask her opinion.

2) do BSs enjoy sex with the WSs as much after the affair as they did before the affair or does the affair ruin sex forever ?

No, my plan is to divorce my wayward wife. I do not plan to have sex with my wayward wife again.

Having sex with her would greatly alter the current settlement negotiations in the protracted divorce proceedings.

2) Did APs penis feel better during sex?

Seriously?

Teen

I have zero interest in being married to a woman who enjoyed another man's penis more than mine after 30plus years of marriage by committing adultery.

This is fucking pathetic that I am worrying about if my wife of 30plus years had better sex with another man who had a bigger dick that might have felt better in her vagina.

Fuck her for putting me in this position.

This is one of many reasons I am tending toward divorce.

I just want to say that I so understand this, SweetCreamPie. There is a big difference between "my wife wants the other man" and "my wife wants me." Those are actually totally and completely unrelated. It is my opinion that 99.5% of cheaters do not 'want' their affair partner--not for permanent sex or a permanent relationship. I sure didn't. But the level of callous disregard that they show for their spouse shows they do not value their spouse either. THAT is the permanent damage that may or may not be able to be worked through.

You are focused on how she feels about sex because it matters to you, it's the way you felt connected. Most likely she is not and will not be thinking of OM during sex. But is she showing that she is thinking of you? Wanting you? She needs to be valuing you each and every day or this will never work.

The healing is not merely the continuing of the R or the passing of time or the abstaining from cheating. She needs to be remorseful and make this up to you or you will never heal and it would be best to divorce her. You deserve a spouse who makes you feel cherished. She broke this; she needs to fix it. Is she?

SCP, we see many threads by BH's where the BH wonders whether the WW's A sex was "better". I think PinkPiggy made a good point about that issue. "Good" sex is highly subjective and context-dependent. Pink, everything you said about women and their enjoyment of sex would apply equally to men. I had a lot of sex with a lot of women when I was single, including many acts well outside of "plain vanilla". What I found was that my enjoyment of the sex fluctuated a lot, mostly depending on how I was feeling at the time (and in large part due to life circumstances, such as stress, fatigue, etc.).

For example, I dated a woman for a while who was extremely skilled at giving head. She could get me to the brink of orgasm and keep me there for a very long time, driving me crazy. She prided herself in this skill. She was otherwise an awful person. Violent bad temper. Spoiled and self-centered. I kept going back for a time because of that head, but when I think back to her, I remember the time she punched my buddy in the nose because he accidentally stepped on her foot, etc. My fondest memory of premarital sex is pretty plain vanilla, just some sex in a hot tub, but it was a pleasant mellow evening with a woman whom I was very close to and everything was relaxed and fun.

Also, I found that a person tends to want something that is unavailable, so that becomes sort of a gold ring. As an example, I had a GF who was very into anal. She was good at it and really enjoyed it. The was the predominant kind of sex we had. But I began to miss and desire vaginal sex with her. Nature designed the penis and vagina to work together. Vaginas feel good for a reason.

But I digress. SCP, for me, the focus isn't on which sex was "better", but on which man got her priority. There are some on SI who say "betrayal is betrayal, it all hurts," but I disagree with that notion. I think there are degrees of betrayal. Not in an absolute sense, but I do think that most of us have our personal, subjective triggers and some elements of a betrayal can hurt more than others.

In an earlier post I outlined how your WW gave more of her energy, time, imagination, etc. to sex with the POSOM than to you, and how she added layers of disrespect to you by likely giving you sloppy seconds. There is also that fact that, but for the coincidence of being discovered and fired, the A would still be going on to this day.

People have said that she had sex with him 3-5 times a week, for years, and therefore at least some of it must have grown routine. I would reckon this is the case, yet she continued to make him her sexual Plan A.

The one odd factor that I noticed is the level to which she has been having sex. Between sex with you and sex with him, she has been having sex between about 6-10 times a week, consistently, for years. That's a lot of sex.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:22 AM, September 30th (Sunday)]

OK I'm going to wade in here. I hope to set men's minds at rest. I'm.a woman. A betrayed woman, multiple times.

(]With only a few weeks between D-days), so bear with me.

I've had two sexual experiences as a newly single BW. One with a man who is endowed with a "spear", and a woman with no penis at all. Basically, the penis size, or actuality, means nothing to me. So, I literally went from someone well endowed to someone with no penis.

Honestly, penis size is not a thing. I really hope this helps!

"Different" is a terrible answer because it could mean equally as good or even better in some ways.

If you want to recover from this, rather than feel sorry for yourself for the rest of your life, you need to accept the truth. If the truth is 'different' - and that's probably the case for most WSes - you need to accept that.

If the sex with BS was better than AP and the WS is not totally clear about that they should be locked up for stupidity.

Can you clarify this? I don't understand what you mean here.

******

You seem to be spending immense amounts of energy comparing yourself to the ap.

Here are some recommendations from me:

1) Stop comparing yourself to ap. As I think Bigger pointed out, your W cheated. Does it matter who she cheated with?

Besides, you can be only you. If your W chooses the ap over you, that's about her fucked up preferences; it's not about you - and you can't be the ap anyway, without fucking yourself up.

2) Stop thinking about D and R. You're not ready yet, because you're still in shock, getting thrown every which way by the trauma.

3) Get help dealing with the trauma. Get help dealing with the grief, anger, fear, and shame that comes with being betrayed. Get help releasing the pain (well, getting a start on releasing the pain).

4) Once you start healing, you can address the D/R choice.

*******************************

You say you'll D her if she had better sex with the ap.

That says to me that you're really insecure about your manhood and sexual skills. I mean that gently - my bet is that the men here think you have no reason to be insecure. I certainly don't. IOW, I think you keep attacking yourself for no good reason - a good IC can help you stop that, and I recommend seeking help.

You need to stop questioning yourself.

You are what you are, but skills can be developed. I doubt that you have to be more skilled than you already are, but...

I'm a cyclist. Developing new cycling skills can be difficult and painful. Developing new sex skills, OTOH, is probably pretty pleasurable. If new or enhanced skills will reduce your insecurity, my reco is to go for it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:03 PM, September 30th (Sunday)]