SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'll just second and third that you'll likely get the bare minimum from him initially. He'll be stammering and sweating, but if he knows you've nailed him to the wall, he'll likely give up some of his truths. But expect that he'll be holding a whole lot more back. And that's the dreaded trickle truth that can suck the life out of any chance for R.

So give him enough rope to hang himself. But follow the great advice already offered. A big one being don't give up your sources or play all of your cards. This is now a game and you are the only one who knows the rules, 1Wvgirl. It's all in your hands. You are smarter than him, stronger than him. Your goal is to get him to confess things you already don't know, and use what you do know to eventually test to see how authentic he is. When things settle down and you're ready to delve into more details, hold a few back that he hasn't yet revealed to see if he offers it up "in full disclosure".

Cheaters have built a wall with lies. Lies are how they've gotten themselves into infidelity. It will take quite a lot of work for your H to unravel and dismantle the world he's created. What you get to do is watch him to see if he's capable of being the honorable man you need him to be if you're to even consider giving him a chance to rebuild a relationship with you.

Tough times ahead, but we're here behind you.

Made a surprise visit to my husband's workplace yesterday. Guess who just happened to be there? The woman I suspect is currently having an affair with my husband. I sat down behind his desk and struck up a conversation with her. He doesn't have an office per se, it's open and our customers tend to hang out there. But as we were chatting, an employee walked by and they gave each other the "oh, shit" glance. When my husband came by, I made him introduce us.

She had her checkbook out like she was going to pay a bill, but wouldn't you know, she left without giving him a check? lol.

My daughter came home from college for the memorial service this weekend and also popped by to surprise her daddy. There he sat, with all the women in his life, just chatting away within 5 feet of each other.

It was priceless. I had my suspicions about her, but couldn't prove anything. Still can't, but I did snap a pic of her vehicle as she was leaving. I had been told she had been hanging around our business a lot. The PI now has all he needs stake it out and hopefully come up with some evidence that is more than circumstantial.

I have to say, it was empowering seeing them both sweat it out. This new info probably pushes back my confrontation a day or so. But it will be worth it. It will be 2 that I can prove.

You are handling this like a Rock Star!!

I bet he is now deleting texts and emails etc.

You have possibly let him know you are sure “something is up”. Now it’s time to watch him squirm.

I like the idea of being cold and calculating.

"Honey, let's sit down and talk for a minute, ok?"

Him: yeah?

"You're cheating on me. Don't deny it, I have all the proof I need for the judge. What I want to hear from you is your plan for your future."

And then let him talk. When he's done, tell him you have to get back to your attorney and you'll talk to him again in a day or two. And then get up and walk away and do the 180.

Don't give him a clue about how you feel; don't let him see you upset or sad or angry. Let him be the one to sit there and try to figure out where he stands with YOU.

My heart aches for you but you've gotten a lot of great advice and support here and you'll be fine in the end. keep us posted.

I got very emotional in a face to face verbal confrontation and that worked to my disadvantage.

In retrospect I should have prepared an outline of the points I wanted to make (like a script).

The key is to not let them derail your presentation by outrage, attacking the marriage or minimizing (blah blah blah..the typical BS).

Therefore, do not answer any questions or respond to any attacks ... JUST stick to your script until you've said your piece. You continue talking until finished (he listens).

Also, inform him that you are taking 90 days to decide whether to D or R ... and during that time he sleeps on the couch, does his own wash/cooking or whatever to distance yourself so you can collect your thoughts (your 180).

Stick to your script (180 & 90 days) even if he interrupts and confesses, cries and begs for forgiveness. Why? Because he's a liar and can't be trusted.

Wvgirl, my heartbeat rose as I read your recent post. You did well! Very well. Trust your gut. You know what you saw, you know what you felt in that room. Get those ducks lined up, girl. But my heart also hurts for you and what I know you are going through. I am so very sorry for that. You don't deserve this. None of us did or do.

If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have confronted him. I would have just got my ducks in a row, filed, and lmpa led my shit and left once said ducks were all lined up.

I suspect like a lot you want to confront and have him become the man you always thought he was.

This may work out and it may not.

I'd be prepared for either.

I do hope you get what you want.

Right now from what you've posted you may only know the tip of the iceberg.

I suspect like a lot you want to confront and have him become the man you always thought he was.

This may work out and it may not.

I'd be prepared for either.

I do hope you get what you want.

Right now from what you've posted you may only know the tip of the iceberg.

1Wvgirl,

What is your objective? From what I read, you wish to get as much information out of him?

There’s one technique you can try that is, admittedly, difficult to do:ask questions but don’t argue with the silly responses. The more open you seem to be, the more information you will get (buried in the non-sense). Stay calm and keep him talking.

“The AP partner came on to me and I was depressed”

A: I understand, it must have been hard (In your mind I understand you’re an assh*le and it must be hard to be stupid like that)

The goal is to make him talk, not shut down, maybe even pretend to be sympathetic. Pretend to go along with the blame shifting and rug sweeping etc.

This is difficult to do because the situation is very emotional and you need to be manipulative somewhat.

And when you’re done taking all the info that you can, kick him out of the house

No matter which way you want this to go please see an attorney prior to confrontation. It is the one thing I did do right.

Just wanted to post an update. It was a very long and painful weekend. We said our final goodbyes for my relative.

I spent Saturday putting together memory videos for the memorial service. By Saturday evening, I was so physically and emotionally drained, I knew I could no longer keep my secret. So, I confronted him.

He confessed to everything. Gave me his phone and the password and agreed to every single demand and begged for my forgiveness. No gas lighting, no blame shifting. He took total responsibility. He called the OW, on speaker phone, and told her it was over and not to contact him anymore. He told me he would spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. I asked him if he had a sex addiction, he said he didn’t think so.

He became physically ill. For a while, I thought we were going to need an ambulance. He's not eaten hardly a bite and he's cried the entire weekend.

I believe he is truly sorry and realizes that he could lose me. I still have the GPS on his vehicle—which he does not know about. And the PI will keep tabs on him for me for a while so that I can be sure.

I’ve been married for more than half of my life to this man. I love him more than I can say. I’m going to try to make this work. I will keep you posted.

Monitor his actions to make sure his actions match the words.

Hopefully you are the exception, but it is a rarity - like almost never - that cheaters come clean with "everything" right out of the gate.

Good luck, keep us posted.

HE confessed to things I didn't know. I will keep my eye on him for sure.

[This message edited by 1Wvgirl at 12:48 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]

Demand he gets tested for STDs (he risked your life by exposing you to potentially life threatening diseases), a timeline of the A and an apology to your children and family, also DEMAND he signs a postnup with an infidelity clause in your favor, if he cheats again, you get the lion's share of assets in case of a D due to a future infidelity, also ask him if any friends knew about the A or covered for him, they're not friends of the M and have to go too (another consequence of his HUGE betrayal).

Just curious, what was OW's reaction ? Did she blame him/you ?

So what is he going to do?

IC

Complete transparency

Accounting for his time

STDS testing and you see the report

Answer all you questions without blame shifting

Access to all of his accounts and passwords

Read

Timeline

Actions.... words and tears are not enough

Set boundaries that YOU know you will stick to and give him the list

Sending you strength.... because there is no easy fix and no magic cure.

He has to do everything in his power to make you feel safe.

(((1WVgirl))

Hopefully you are the exception, but it is a rarity - like almost never - that cheaters come clean with "everything" right out of the gate.

100% agree with this.

Not trying to be negative. But a fully remorseful WS that suddenly "wakes up" is like a unicorn around here. Be prepared for more.

As others have said, watch his actions. Sob stories and big talk are cheap and are just a way to manipulate the situation to their favor. He may just take it further underground.

I understand. I don't have blinders on. That's why I'm keeping the GPS on his vehcile and having the PI continue to follow him.

1Wvgirl, I'd say you're off to a good start. He appears to be open and honest- which tells me good things.

But I would say to take the R slowly. Things may hit you a few weeks from now... Put together a good plan for R that works for the both of you. You can't snoop on him for the rest of your life so it has to be one where you feel safe as his wife.

One step at a time, one step at a time. And please remember to inform all other spouses of the OW (plural) so they understand what has been going on.

I wish you well.

The one spouse knows, he told me. The others were not with any one else at the time.

I know for our marraige to work, he has to behave so that I don't need to snoop the rest of our lives. I have intentions of living that way. He will either truly change his ways, or I will be done pretty quick.