SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I do applaud you for saying the right thing though.

I don't agree with the attitudes expressed by the men in the original post.

However, I have run into the same thing on this board. There are people here who are very concerned about cheating/infidelity, but still say things like "if Person X can't do blah blah blah in the marriage, they should do the 'right thing' and divorce their spouse." Said many times by many people here.

There are a substantial amount of people here and in real life that believe that. I do not. I do not believe in marriages with an escape hatch. If you need that, shack up. Don't misuse the marriage institution if you can't commit.

But given the number of people in real life who beg to differ, I would probably not speak up. Not worth it.

Also, yes, it matters who says something. OP could not say what he said if those men knew him authentically. OP likes it that way, so he continues down his path.

Hopefully BW of OP discovers his A, or someone tells her.

This post comes from a liar, someone still lying to his BS. I honestly can't believe half this story, how do believe a liar?

And, can we just call a spade a spade? This is a lame post, posted by someone that searched for his own validation by committing an A and is now looking for validation from everyone here so he can feel like he is a better man.

No way, if you don't have the courage or bravery to face the shit show that you created with your BS and can't honor her enough to be truthful, none of this makes you a good person.

All wayward spouses are liars. So really everything we post gets viewed from that lens.

FF has made his choice and is working on himself. It's clear from his posts he has grown. He has his reasons for staying quiet, why the need to rip him apart every time?

I am wondering what people would say if FF said “I just let them carry on with their conversation , it’s none of my business”.

I don’t see many people saying “good for you”. Or “you did the right thing but keeping your month shut”.

I see either way FF would of gotten the hammer to his head.

When he first arrived here, he was mourning his AP. Over several months, his excuses for not telling ranged from not seeing how it benefited him, to fear, to not wanting to deal with the fallout, to not wanting to hurt his wife. Then,after several posts, he said it was because of his child. He found a socially acceptable excuse. His child that he's referred to as a he/him and she/her. Many of us picked up on that. If you read his posts, he let's it slip..still..that he's not telling because it doesn't benefit HIM. That it's not for him, necessarily, we want him to confess for his wife's sake.

Yes, all WS are liars. But those here,trying to recycle, have stopped the lying... hopefully. He has no intention of doing that. I do question the WS that defend Gus choice to continue to lie to his wife. It would seem, if you think that's ok, that you have a lot more work to do on yourselves.

Just because he doesn't like the advice to confess,doesn't mean it's bad advice. It means he is still a liar.

And while some of you, usually WS, feel bad that he gets a hammer to his head, and feel sorry for him, I suppose that's your right. Many of us are more concerned about the knives still protruding from his wife's heart and back.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:53 AM, November 11th (Sunday)]

Hellfire

You think all of my reasons for staying silent are mutually exclusive. That each of them stands solely on its own and each one contradicts the other. To be honest, it matters not. You and all the rest have no idea what is going on in my life. That doesn’t make my situation special but it is unique to me and my family.

You (and others) love to get your pound of flesh. You took what I said and spun it on it’s head to how what I OP is meaningless because I have not confessed. It had absolutely nothing to do with what was posted, yet you just can’t seem to help ypurself.

Onthefence

If the post is so lame, why are you still commenting on it? Please, I’m curious, what in thre OP was wrong? Like countless others here, I experienced something and posted about it. At the risk of being crass, if you don’t believe half of what I write, why are you still doing it?

I think part of the problem here (this is my take on it, anyway) is that the BSs and quite a few WSs DO have a big problem with ff's decision not to tell.

Then, against this backdrop, posts like this do look like someone looking for a pat on the back. I'm sorry, but it just does. Of course, pointing out the error of their ways was the correct thing to do. He knows that full well, so why come here and say it/ask it? It's a bit like the fact that plenty of people give their time and money to charity but only a few feel the need to point it out to others. The rest just get on with it.

I am wondering what people would say if FF said “I just let them carry on with their conversation , it’s none of my business”.

I don’t see many people saying “good for you”. Or “you did the right thing but keeping your month shut”.

I see either way FF would of gotten the hammer to his head.

He didn't have to post about it at all.

I've already said that I would not do anything because it's too much of an edge issue. I don't agree with people who think that, but there are bigger fires to fight right now.

I am also not a big fan of public self righteous rants. They tend to come from people who have something to hide. Consider Bill Cosby, and all of the crap he was always going on about. We all know the backstory of who made this particular rant. Walks like a duck, talks like a duck.

I don't want FF's BW to come here some day and ask all of us why. She's the one who deserves to have an honest relationship. She doesn't. I'm not a therapist. FF developing a community here who supports his secrecy is not something I can condone.

FF should be focusing on his family, the people who should be most important to him.

I was mourning over my AP when I first posted here too. I just don't get the need for self righteous responses. He doesn't want to tell his wife because he doesn't want his world to explode. That's his choice. Why beat him over the head with it every time. At least he is here reading and learning.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 12:21 PM, November 11th (Sunday)]

And that's exactly it. HE doesn't want HIS world to explode. Got it in one.

^^thats why I said it that way. It's clear he wants to protect himself. But continually calling him out doesn't really serve much purpose other than to eventually run off someone who is here trying to figure things out

I am not defending FF on his choice not to tell his wife. I am defending what he post about. But when people mix his post with him not telling his wife the truth it can come a cross that someone is defending his choice not to tell.

Here the thing about FF and I will say it again and again, he knows what can happen when his wife finds out the truth. We have warned him what can happen. He knows all this. He will have to live with this choice for the rest of his life. It’s the saying we can lead a horse to water but we can’t make the horse drink it.

I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I’ve seen posts similar to mine on SI. I wasn’t looking for a pat on the back; I’m just sharing my experiences with others here. If history has shown me anything, it really doesn’t matter what I post about. I either get called a POS because I haven’t confessed or I’m doing it for the proverbial virtual attaboy.

Pink

I’m sure that there are some that hope I just go away. But I won’t. I still have a lot to learn and grow. I would just say to those, if you don’t like me or what I post, simply walk on by. But we know that’s not gonna happen. So I will just continue to do the best that I can and try each day to become a little bit better.

FF developing a community here who supports his secrecy is not something I can condone.

I have not seen ONE person on this site who supports ff4152's secrecy...but I am very HAPPY that he is still a part of this community . Jesus Himself said it best when the Pharisees were complaining because He was eating with the "sinners and tax collectors". He told them He did not come to call the righteous, but the sinners. If ALL the Waywards on this Forum "got it"...why would there be a need to have a "Wayward Forum"????? I truly believe that ff4152 will one day do right by his lovely wife...and I believe that because he is still HERE. There are MANY other WS's who were on here and had not told their BS...and they are now GONE because people kept insisting that they HAD to tell their BS.

I am also HAPPY that you said something ff4152 . It is only by making others think about the consequences of an A that MIGHT get a change in the way that society thinks.

Pink, because it's not just his world. It's his wife's as well. As a ws you don't know what it's like to be cheated on. You don't know what it's like to be the last to know. You don't know what it's like to have your spouse consider an OW as their soulmate. You don't know what it's like to find out your spouse is someone you don't know. So, because you don't understand it's not surprising that you continually defend a man who continues to lie to his wife. But as a BS,we do know what it's like. We continue to try to get him to confess out of compassion for his wife.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:25 PM, November 11th (Sunday)]

Actually,there have been members who have told him not to tell..both bs and ws..and have encouraged the secrecy.

It's great that you believe he will one day confess. FF, however, has said he never will.

Why do we keep trying? Because on the other side of this is a woman living a lie.

The only one calling you a POS, FF, is you.

I would just say to those, if you don’t like me or what I post, simply walk on by. But we know that’s not gonna happen.

Um, no--because you are on a forum that's sole purpose is to help one another. When you are wrong, people here are going to straight up tell you.

I’m sure that there are some that hope I just go away.

And again, no. We hope you would realize there is not one reason that would ever justify you continuing to lie to your wife.

All wayward spouses are liars. So really everything we post gets viewed from that lens.

That's a no, pinkpggy, at least for me. The WSs here have put in tons of work and set themselves free of the lying. They are not liars anymore. They found this place and devoted their time here because they have literally seen hell, their lives are in shambles and are now facing the consequences. We all want the best for everyone and I consider the WSs here as people that are trying their damnedest to be the best person they can be. Continuing to lie to your family, to your wife/husband, and most importantly, continuing to lie to yourself, makes FF a liar.

FF is pissed because he didn't win any brownie points. Plain and simple.

I don’t think I ever heard FF say he will never tell. Or this a given because his been here so long that it feels like he will never tell?

He has said he's not going to tell. That he doesn't see any reason that benefits him. That he has no plans to tell.

And, no, I don't see all waywards as liars. Not after they've been here awhile,not after they've done the work. Like you, pink. And you GH.

And yes, I want him to confess for his wife's sake. But also for his. His wife doesn't love him. She loves who she thinks he is, but that man doesn't exist. He deserves to be loved for who he is, not who he's pretending to be.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:09 PM, November 11th (Sunday)]