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She told my SIL pretty much the same story that she told me. It just seems like this thing progressed pretty fast in a week and a half. It was definitely what I would consider a PA. Why the fuck would she even agree to go to lunch with this guy alone?

Because she's not as innocent as she wants you to believe, she DECIDED to have a PA with POSOM, she hid the relationship from you, was "smart" enough to delete the texts as soon as they were sent/received, she willingly tried to keep you away from the party so she could have a great time with OM (and possibly sneak out of the party). She simply CHOSE to have an A with this guy she just met a few days ago, speaks volumes as to her boundaries and state of mind.

Have you tried to get some more info from her BEFORE you recover the texts on Monday? According to her their relationship was just 11 days so she could produce a timeline of the A pretty quickly, CHEATERS only admit to what you can prove but she may not be able to remember all of the texts and may say things that are not in there or hope that you won't be able to recover all of them and keep lying and/or minimizing. BIL will tell your SIL that you indeed go to have the texts recovered and will relay the info to your WW, this may make her confess to more details of the A.

This happened way too fast, ask her tonight how she (your wife of 20 plus years) could go from meeting this guy and in just a few days start "sexting" with him, allowed him to touch her and kiss her, tell her she's got only 1 chance to come completely clean before you recover all the texts and she takes a polygraph.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 2:21 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

My BIL and I both knew that the girls would be waiting for him to get home and report on our meeting. I told him to tell them that the phone is being worked on and that I am seeing a lawyer on Monday. WW did tell my SIL that she would not be returning to work. I have known her sister for 25 years, since she was 16.

WW did tell my SIL that she would not be returning to work.

Of course, the office gossip on Monday is going to be brutal, most likely someone saw you clock OM and his screaming in the parking lot, she's probably just embarrassed to go back to work (or doesn't want to confront her boyfriend "Jennifer"), since she's quitting, I would tell her to report POSOM with HR for sexual harassment, just to see her reaction (doesn't mean you have to make her follow through with it), it will let you know whether she's still willing to protect him or not.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 2:27 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

^^^^^^ Not to mention Jennifer's shiner. It should be a rich dark purple by Monday.

My daughters just got home and said that their mother has been texting them all day. They have not replied.

On the bright side of this shit storm is that you followed your instinct and she was not able to go to the party alone.

More likely than not she would call you after the party and say she is staying with her gf because she had too much to drink. Dont' wait up.

Then they would go to the after party at Jennifer's long term hotel. You would be none the wiser. You may have out out the fire before it totally burned down everything.

Depending on how discreet they were, her co workers will be either "shocked" or "well that's not a surprise" about what transpired at the "most unforgettable office party"

But maybe you did catch this before it was consummated. With her all night throw up session, quitting work because of the extreme shame and talking to her sister. If SIL has a good head on her shoulders, She will support your WW, but not for cheating, but because they are sisters.

You know, the speed that the affair escalated and the methods your WW use to conceal are not amateur. These are learned traits! Don’t be surprised if you come to find out that your wife was the aggressor in *this* affair.

[This message edited by toby at 3:51 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

I did shut down all of her social media and changed the passwords. She could still re-activate them but I would be able to tell. I keep checking our phone log to see if "jennifer" has made contact, but nothing has showed up yet. Maybe hes tending to his jacked up eye.

WW did tell my SIL that she would not be returning to work. I have known her sister for 25 years, since she was 16.

If the job is needed, rather than WW quitting the job, you can go after OM and made him to leave company or at least him not coming to your WW site

I did shut down all of her social media and changed the passwords. She could still re-activate them but I would be able to tell. I keep checking our phone log to see if "jennifer" has made contact, but nothing has showed up yet. Maybe hes tending to his jacked up eye.

Nah, he’s not going to call her. By now he’s realized that he got played by your wife.

Hi DaninOH

I just wanted to add something.

You’re WW has told you a somewhat sanitized story. You’ve told her you don’t believe most of it which is good.

Let her know she should be working on writing up a more detailed timeline of her A for you. Let her know it should Match what you will find in the texts. Also I’d tell her that if she wants any chance to work on this marriage she needs to be completely honest and not minimize anything.

What does that mean? For example she said “he put his hand on my thigh during the car ride “. Well she if more happened she should tell you. If you find a text from him that says “I loved rubbing your thigh and sliding my hand up under your skirt and exploring” then you will know she was completely minimizing and protecting him and not you.

She needs to completely explain what really happened. And she needs to deliver a first draft before you get and read those texts.

Let her know if she doesn’t want a future with you and as a family then she is more than welcome to hide and do nothing, but if she wants even a chance to rebuild what she destroyed then she must tell the truth.

A pull back kiss from him or did she passionately swap spit and tongues?

A strong embrace or did they explore each other’s genitals with their hands?

A lick on a bare shoulder or was there pure oral sex completed?

I’m sure she cannot remember each and every of the 414 texts. So warn her to come clean now because if you have to find it out yourself she’ll show that she no longer cares to heal the man she vowed to love and be faithful to.

Couples can come back from something like this. I know it’s hard to believe but they can. But it takes a completely open and honest WS to make it happen. She probably doesn’t know that yet. She probably hasn’t found resources to tell her that like you have. How to recover from infidelity is not innately known. It has to be learned.

I hope she takes the right steps to fix the awful choice she made.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:13 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

I would say at the outset that you have been tremendously strong in all of this, well done. Maintain such composure in the next several days.

I think no previous contact between the two is the worst scenario; as how could this escalate to such a level in such a short period? It is flabbergasting.

Time will tell whether you need a Poly re this betrayal but it seems to me that you need to check if others have taken place, otherwise how could she have progressed this so quickly.

If not, then she is in serious need of IC to identify her brokenness.

Stay strong and take your time making a decision until you have all the facts and have time to find yourself again after this trauma.

Continue to look after yourself and the girls.

Good luck.

Just a reminder re: phone logs, it will not show an “unconnected” phone call. Meaning that if Jennifer calls and nobody with the phone picks up, it will not show up in the call log. Similarly, if a phone call is placed from the phone and the other line does not pick up, it won’t show up. So while the phone is at the shop getting worked on, even if Jennifer is calling it’s unlikely to show up on the call log.

As long as the call connects, even if it’s just for 2 seconds, it will show up in the log, but otherwise missed calls are not recorded, unless a voicemail is left. At least that’s how my phone company explained it to me when I was checking the call logs when I caught my husband in his affair.

Dan,

I have been following your thread but have stayed off of it until now.

First, my heart goes out to you, man. What a shit sandwich that you didn’t deserve. Plus the situation it leaves you and your family in.

There have been a lot of good points made by the good people here and I am glad you reached out when you had suspicions. So many people miss or brush aside suspicions only to learn later that their life and marriage was a sham all along. I am not saying yours has been but for many who pass through these boards, it rings true.

I just want to make a few observations.

You have done very well so far. Your job at the party was masterful especially with the phone.

Don’t beat up on yourself over hitting the other guy. That jackass deserved it. Hell, I would been put in jail by now for putting him in a ‘dumpster’.

Do not be surprised if this developed over a period of time, previous job etc….

Don’t be surprised if this was a full on EA/PA. It doesn’t add up with what she is talking about.

Regradless of whether you R or D, the threat is still in town until January. Expose him to your wife’s co-workers husbands if you know any of them. Spread the word that Dr. Quebec is a wife grabber.

Please check and make sure that if your wife leaves her job that it won’t affect you alimony or support wise if you decide to divorce if and when you find out this was more serious than you thought

She needs to be cut off socially from all co-workers since it appears that they enabled the affair

Gather evidence. Great job on hanging on to the phone. This way she can’t delete. Save copies of all of her shit.

Bigger is right. You can’t prevent her from coming back home but you can in the meantime move her crap into another room so this way, if an in-house separation is warranted, it’s easier to do.

Do not do a complete separation. It just gives her more time to test drive other guys without your supervision.

Check from here on out for burner phones.

Applaud your kids and your BIL for having your back. Many say don’t involve them. I have always disagreed. They have a right to fight for their family too.

Seek polygraph examiners and set her up with one asap.

If she says it was one time, it was 2. If she says 2, it was 4. Don’t believe a word of what she says, look at every word like it’s an opening into something bigger.

The fact that she his him as ‘Jennifer’ in her contact list shows the true art of a cheater or someone who has been coached by an actual cheater. So there are a few scumbags lurking.

I wish I could tell you that it is all of what she said, but I have graver doubts.

I don’t know if this as a potential empty-nester affair in the beginning or a mid-life crisis affair or just a one day fuckup. However, don’t offer reconciliation until you know exactly what you are reconciling from. Same thing the other way. Sure, landing divorce papers on her now will show consequences and bring her to her knees which is good but don’t go all the way to divorce until you know what you are divorcing from.

Keep up the good work man.

Has she indicated if she’s trying to come home ? Has she reached out to you again ?

IF what she says is true, that he initiated the thigh grab in car and kiss at work, then you should ask her to report him to HR. Try and get him fired, if you can’t then wife will have to leave her job.

I acted like I was going to the restroom and kinda watched from a distance. I could see that they were talking, I cold not see her face but I could see his and he looked angry.

When I was walking back he moved to the other side of the room. I sat back down at the table as my wife with a friend was headed back to the bar.

When you were observing, was she with co-workers when "Jennifer" was talking to her? I'd have to believe if she was that they would have to be aware of what was going on. That alone could tell you whether or not co-workers were complicit or not. Her playing dumb on the phone about where you went and where her phone was, isn't legit either. She would have had to notice BOTH of you were missing. I think you've already figured out not to believe anything she says

If your wife is leaving, I would definitely report him to HR, she may not have to leave if they send him packing, of course, she may be only leaving out of embarrassment. If she goes to another medical field workplace she will be subjected to the same thing. The medical field is notorious for infidelity.

I haven’t read this whole thread, I will, so if this has been said before I’m sorry

2 things -

my IC said once an affair happens a second one is even easier - maybe this is not a first A for her. I’m sorry to bring that up

Also - it could be a first and my WHs AP only new him a week before she got very possessive of him, by two weeks they were soul mates and I was the problem

When you called the OM from your wife’s phone and his first words were “are you ok”........

Why wouldn’t she be “ok”? Interesting.

BIL just called and said that she has "left the building". He is going to use "find my iphone" on his daughters phone to see where she is going. I am about to lose my shit.

[This message edited by DaninOH at 4:51 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Hopefully it’s that she is coming home.

However if she is going to be a safe partner someday just leaving without telling anyone where she is going is unacceptable.

Did she say nothing to them?