SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

T/J ShutterHappy:

You even had an ex-cop ( bigger ) advising you on how to hit a suspected AP and get away with scotch free!

Did I?

I had planned on not posting on this thread (because there is IMHO too much going on and little chance of making positive impact) but I need to answer such a direct statement.

My suggestion back on page 8 of this thread on how to answer the police if he was questioned about the fight. It’s in line with the truth as presented by the original poster. It won’t get DaninOH off scotch-free nor is it a template for how to assault OM.

Not once do I suggest he can get away with violence scotch-free nor do I advocate violence. It’s a suggestion on how best to present what has already happened. Best of all would have been to avoid the fight.

If there is a red-thread in my posts on this thread, then it’s been one of treading lightly and focusing on known truths rather than speculation and wild theories. I personally think DaninOH acts too much on impulse and not enough on logic. I think there is overemphasis on punishment and revenge. There is IMHO a lack of focus on this thread.

I wonder why it matters if he had rubbed her there or just over the scrubs, etc. The facts are: she has cheated, would cheated more if not caught, and denied. What else does one need to know? Talking to her, asking for more details is sending her a simple message: "I am fundamentally okay with you cheating on me and I am considering taking you back, just need some time to cool off." And she knows this and keeps waiting when your rage will wear off so she can come back and regain her power.

When you say "it could have been worse", this is because you caught someones dick on its way to her v., not because your wife "could have been worse". They way she acted being caught is speaking volumes about her values, her integrity, her wisdom, and her life prospects. And don't be naive thinking that your wife's character has changed because you kicked her out the house for a couple of days. It appears to me that you are losing your strength (have no one to support you and not being decisive). Hence, I expect the power dynamic will soon shift in your relationships, you will let her convince you that it was not a big deal, and you will make yourself eating this shit sandwich for the rest of your life. From what I see in your yesterday's writing, I think you are losing this game, my friend.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 10:44 AM, December 17th (Monday)]

Welcome Dan.... I read your first few post on Friday afternoon, and was not really on SI all weekend.

I'm an old timer around here, and I would encourage you to stop and take a few deep breaths, after that go back and read all of Bigger's posts. Sometimes you can get lost in minutia of what is happening, and get too bogged down in the details, but as a fellow first responder you are still in the very very very early stages of this and you need to do some triage.

1. See an attorney - I know that is planned. When there you need ask about D & S, Post nup, and how best to protect your daughters, and what this would mean for them.

2. Your daughters - You are doing well so far, in how your are handling this, however you need to remember that this has most likely shaken your kids to the core. Consider getting them appointments to start therapy. If your employer has an IEP program you can most likely get them in with someone within 24 hours of asking.

This is a strong move and will truly help them. They may be supporting you but I guarantee they have a zillion questions that they are afraid to ask.

3. Try to quiet some of the noise and chatter here. You are getting tons of advice, and again you need to be in triage mode, and prioritizing your actions.

Eat. Sleep. Stay Hydrated. Make sure your girls are doing ok.

Seriously. You are sleep deprived that inhibits your ability to think clearly (there's a reason truckers and Residents are only allowed to work for limited hours these days).

Get yourself some solid sleep. Drink water. No alcohol.

Keep reading, and take what you need, and leave the rest, but remember to prioritize what you are getting.

Hi Dan:

One other thing you might have her add to her "To Do" list would be to hand over the dress that she bought for Monsieur Spring Roll.

Then burn it!

It might give you a small taste of joy in an otherwise miserable 48 hours that you have had to endure.

You are doing awesome!

Strength and happiness to you!

Dan - I second the post by: Stevesn on page 32

His excellent draft letter/email to your wife is lengthy but says it all pretty well. Plus you can then use the text as a bridge for further deeper discussions about each of the topics he covers.

I like the 'burn the dress' (and her matching shoes) suggestion because it's a trigger.

Plus if they kissed in her car, get rid of the car because it's another trigger.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:26 AM, December 17th (Monday)]

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

You have just suffered a major severe mental shock.

It doesn't matter how smart, confident or tough minded you are (you can't handle this on your own) ... please see your doctor for help in dealing with the symptoms.

Google search this topic for more details and the symptoms etc.

WOW!

I take a weekend away and this thread

takes off like a roller coaster.

I have never seen things move so fast.

It is like a movie script.

Take your time before you make any decisions to

Reconcile or Divorce.

You need more time to process everything.

"Everyone seems hung up on her listing him as "jennifer" in her contacts."

This is because it shows that this may NOT be her first time cheating -- this is something that someone who has done cheating before does -- NOT someone who just "all of a sudden" got caught up in something. The is pre-meditated.

You both need individual counseling right now. Getting good counselors is going to be important to any kind of constructive resolution. Most people think that "a counselor" is always helpful but that's not true. Counselors who specialize in infidelity/betrayal do not try to talk about finding some element in the marriage that "pushed" the cheater into betraying his/her marriage.

You want to get the counselor's perspective on infidelity before you pay money to listen to his agenda.

Also, talk to the phone guy about how to set up the new number so that you can see messages from another device. You don't have to follow them constantly; the transparency alone might give you some peace of mind.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 9:36 AM, December 17th (Monday)]

Calling the OM “Jennifer” is a sign that you are dealing with a rookie cheater. It’s almost like not hiding it at all. When you get to advanced cheating, things get much harder to detect. Burner phones, duplicate identical iPhones, secret computers, communication by various apps, secret passwords, multiple e-mails, multiple identities. The list goes on and on. I’ve seen it all.

the reason why the Jennifer thing is big is because it's a lie. Many people here can get over the sexual acts, but the lying, that's the dealbreaker. changing your phone so that it reflects a lie is premeditated. IT's not a "mistake," it's a conscious effort to hide something from the BS.

it should be taken as a very big deal.

Dan,

You are a legend!! I am amazed how well you are handling this.I'm 7 months in and still a train wreck.I'm sorry your in this position but please keep the updates coming. I've learned a ton of stuff off your post alone.I think you are helping us all out.

Thanks for sharing!

My problem with Jennifer is how quickly it was put in as Jennifer. My husband's affair partner was a COW - initially her name was put in full and proper ... it wasn't until almost a year later it was changed to just an initial (not even for her real name - the initial stood for her nickname).

I would think the first question that needs to be answered and verified is if this was the only affair.

No shame in shedding tears Dan. I've been randomly breaking down here and there. Let it out. Breathe. You're still handling it like a legend.

So what is the next step ? I understand it feels like everything is falling apart and I am really sorry this happened.

Keep thinking and planning ahead. Follow the plan.

When the dust settles and you are clear on what path to take come back. Let the emotions settle a bit.

Focus on the basic things right now. Take care of yourself. Don't limit your options right now. Decisions made in haste are usually the one we regret the most.

Oh and welcome the last club you never wanted to join.

Well, I called half a dozen attorneys and not one would meet with me before the first of the year. I did make an appointment with one of them but I will keep looking. My BIL called to warn me that she is at our house now.

Hopefully she is just there to grab some of her stuff. I am leaving work soon to head over to AT&T with the phone and then I was going to try and buy a VAR. Can I find them at Walmart or should I try Best Buy?

VAR is usually available at both locations. Make sure you buy long lasting batteries.

Consider buying two, one to keep on your person to record interactions with her or her AP and one to place where you choose.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:45 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

The best place to place the VAR is in her car under the seat with some velcro, don't get the cheap ones, the good ones will be around $50 bucks and yes get a second one to carry on you at all times for now. If she's at the house there's a possibility she's there to stay, if so, make sure she sleeps in the spare room, you may want to sit down with her to listen to her "explanation" of the timeline, be ready for a lot of minimizing and TT, even blame-shifting, let her do most of the talking, DO NOT LET her know how much you know, but hint you now have other sources besides the phone, make sure you have the VAR in place already before you sit down, if she's still in contact with OM she may try to talk to him afterwards.

If you don't find another attorney before that don't beat yourself up, it's ok, it may even help you pause and gain more perspective and process the situation before and help you make a better informed decision depending on how things develop between now and then, remember that regardless of D or R, this will take a long time and won't be resolved in just a few days. Keep posting frequently, we're all here for you and so far you've handled it great all things considered.