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Wow, sounds like she is doing a great job brainwashing him.

He needs to write for cheesy greeting cards.

The age thing is not the issue here. It is the way he has treated you. I hope you have an epiphany one day and realize just how lucky you are that he is no longer in your life.

This is going to be the longest 3-4 months of my life. While I’m forced to pick up the pieces, he is getting exactly what he wanted (the OW/to be single & rid himself of me). I know this is not my fault, but the thought that someone is willing to throw away so much history, memories, love etc for someone they met a year ago destroys me and makes me feel like I wasn’t good enough. The fact that he would even weigh the pros and cons between us (per his “friend”) is crazy hurtful. How does one analyze their wife who they have invested so much in and has said is amazing...so blessed to spend the rest of their life with etc etc to a coworker who is 12 years older with 2 kids, still involved with the father of her children, etc.

Not to burst you here but I'm almost four months out now and I still feel like complete dogshit. I feel exactly the same way when you say that you KNOW it's not your fault, but being thrown away like a piece of shit and then forced to pick up the pieces while they immediately have someone else just makes you think like you're not worth a godamn thing. In my case, she threw me away for someone she met online and then she ran 3000 miles away. It's fucking gut wrenching and anyone who tells you to look on the bright side or to be positive has never felt this before and honestly they need to stfu.

We can sit here and tell ourselves that we are worth it, that it's not our fault. But in reality, being treated like this makes you feel completely worthless. Why did our spouses literally not value our marriage at all? Why did they just throw everything in their life away at the drop of a hat? Why the complete 180 in attitude towards us without a single fucking conversation? Oh what a nice thing it would've been to have our spouses sit us down and say 'hey, I'm really unhappy and if you don't change whatever I am going to leave'. Instead, they treated us like we were a boyfriend or a girlfriend, didn't leave until they found someone else, and then bounced immediately into a new exciting life of cuddling, fucking, eating, sleeping, and sharing experiences with the new person while we are left to pick up the pieces of our shattered ego, self esteem, sense of self confidence, and ultimately our lives.

Fuck our spouses. Fuck all their friends. Fuck all of our mutual friends who are supporting them or don't see the wrong they did. Fuck their families who didn't give a shit about what they were doing to us. Fuck everyone who enabled these shitty people. Fuck the other person they chose over us, fuck their stupid kids. Fuck them all. Fuck people in general. I need to get off SI, I'm getting too fucking negative.

I just want to share with you all the love note that I found written in a card for her for Christmas....

Sounds like that was an apology note to OW... and it sounds like this isn't the first time he has had to appoligise for whatever it was. Very interesting that he was not with her and her daughters or his family or his "great" friends on Christmas but chose to be alone with his take out tacos...then became angry when you caught him alone.

That letter sounds like something I would have written when I was a teen... And manipulated so much it’s embarrassing. how old is your STBXH? 16? 17?

It’s hard, but try to detach. Eventually you’ll meet a man that you deserve and, thinking back, you’ll roll your eyes so hard it’ll hurt.

Hi BB,

I've been following your thread. I feel terrible for you and how blindsided and broken hearted you must have felt - and still feel.

I have to agree with Cooley2here in that there was a dark side of him that has always been there. Coincidentally to his reference of Scott P., I've been reading about sociopaths lately and I actually thought of you lol. Sociopaths are often able to keep their true selves under wraps for a very long time! Charming, romantic, empathetic, etc. Hell, even Ted Bundy volunteered at a suicide crisis line and held long term relationships.

Now, I'm not saying your WH is a sociopath. Just that he may very well not have been the perfect man you thought he was all along. He may have had other indiscretions throughout your relationship that you do not know about. And quite huge evidence to support this is not only the fact that he had an affair and lived a double life for some time, and became a complete dick the moment your relationship ended, but that he runs with a group of "friends" with little morals and sense of loyalty themselves. Birds of a feather really do flock together. I've had to learn this the hard way myself. I also learned from my psych. education that the "midlife crisis" is a myth and that people can have similar "breakdowns" throughout their lives, as evidenced by your husband. I bring it up bc I see that term used a lot here, which I think ends up excusing a lot of bad behaviour and character deficits.

I also don't think the OW is brainwashing him. He is a grown man who is making his own decisions. He is the only one responsible for his actions.

Anyway, I mostly wanted to say that I think you are doing great. I think you are handling yourself with strength and class and you are doing your best to be healthy (taking care of your physical health and seeing friends) in a very hard time. It will probably take a while to start feeling mostly happy again and not so consumed by all of this. And it's okay. In my experience after heartbreak and betrayal, it feels like it's never going to get better, until one day it does. You will be totally fine, and you will meet someone better.

[This message edited by strawberrypie at 4:12 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

I felt SO many emotions about that letter…shock, embarrassed, hurt, angry, more shock…

My thoughts from this was:

1.She has him wrapped around her finger (brainwashed – basically says he ignores her instructions so she has most definitely been coaching him through the affair…what a bitch – sorry)

2.This has been going on for quite some time (“very bumpy road” and the simple fact that they were close enough for her to get mad at him for ANYTHING & for him to feel like he needs to make it up to her)

3.He writes a crappy “love note” to be 30 (guess he hasn’t written anything for me since his vows which were surprisingly amazing…so this I don’t understand)

4.They’ve only had sex once by this point (reference to the “first time”? – not sure)

5.Because we’ve been together such a long time and have basically done everything together, I wonder what “new experiences” he is looking forward to doing with her…

6. “Infectious smile” just really gets me…. Of course, I’ve analyzed her thoroughly at this point and her teeth are actually crooked! WTH man! I don’t mean to sound shallow (or bitter) because my bottom teeth aren’t perfect, but…okay petty rant over

@Falc – Man do I totally understand every single damn word you just said. Seriously. I am really struggling with the worth part. I’ve never had low self-esteem, but wow did this whole affair change me. It truly seems like my husband did not value our marriage whatsoever. I mean who doesn’t want to even do marriage counseling or separate first? Straight to divorce to get rid of me, like it’s simply breaking up with a girlfriend/boyfriend. Divorce is expensive. So simply the thought that he was willing to throw down a few stacks to legally be free of me breaks what’s left of my heart…

@strawberrypie - Thank you for chiming in! It’s definitely unimaginable. I’m almost mad at myself for falling so hard and investing to much of myself in my husband for so long. My soul aches...It’s still hard for me to wrap my head around him having this dark side. Even in the times we’ve argued he has never shown even a glimpse that he could be this person. Not even a bit seen through how he treats and interacts with others. I think that’s why it’s so hard for me to believe and accept (coupled with the fact we’ve been together for 12 years and have never even broken up). Sociopath crossed my mind as well in my endless pursuit for “answers”. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that he could have had other indiscretions throughout our relationship because I’ve been so faithful and true to him. But, you’re probably right. I also agree he is grown and is ultimately responsible for his actions, but there def was some manipulation at play. He just apparently was weak-minded (evident by the letter). Thank you for the kind words and support. I am certainly doing the best that I can given the circumstances. I try to force myself to do things, but I just end up feeling fake about it and not really enjoying it. I’m afraid that this has damaged me so much it’s going to take a long time for me to heal regardless of what I do to try to expedite the process.

I know I sound a mixture of crazy and pitiful given how much of an asshole my husband has been in all of this. It KILLS me to think that he likely feels such a sense of freedom and happiness without me.

Falc you are my hero. So fucking eloquent.

It appears he has the KISA (knight in shining armor) syndrome.

Poor poor OW. She is needy and needs his help. And he falls for it and believes it is true love. And he thinks they are going to sail off into the sunset happily ever after.

He feels “needed” by her. It is a huge ego boost. He confused it with love. He starts to believe all of it - and since you as his wife are the roadblock then he starts to view you as his enemy.

How sad! But it happens all the time.

T/j here... Falc, your rant made me smile. Fucking well done!

I know this is not my fault, but the thought that someone is willing to throw away so much history, memories, love etc for someone they met a year ago destroys me and makes me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

I can so relate to this, for me the timeline wasn't a year, it was only 2 months....

Really, how can we be discarded so easily??

It really fucked with my self worth and self esteem. I had a hard time dealing with these feelings of not being good enough.

I finally was able to deal with this with the assistance of my therapist, and eventually came to realize it had nothing to do with me, but was her that was all fucked up.

And Falc - loved the rant!

@The1stWife – You put it so much nicer than me. I’ve definitely tossed around the Captain Save-a-Hoe theory as well…He said “paradise and bliss” are a few miles away so you hit it right on the head. I was more of his equal (or clearly better than him) and pretty self-sufficient, so I guess I didn’t stroke his ego enough. I thought this made us a strong team but I guess not. She makes significantly less than me, has a beat-up car and has 2 kids (not currently getting child support).

@totallydumb – It really sucks to say the least. I’m hoping that with continued sessions I can get where you are. I’m holding on to the scraps I have left now…

UPDATE:

Today is my birthday. Who do I hear from first @ 5am? You guess it:

“I’ve debated over it a bit and whether it’s appropriate or not, I can’t not wish you a happy birthday. I know this is no where we ever thought we’d be but enjoy today. I also was reaching out to see if you had interest in talking in person or over the phone. There are things I think we need to discuss as I think the zero communication isn’t the best method. You can do what you can with this text…”

Needless to say this set my soul on fire. I still feel the arrogance and douchey-ness through this text. And interest in talking about WHAT? This man has literally told me everything I need to know at this point and already secretly tried to remove my name from the utility bills. He’s cheating, said he has fallen out of love, wanted to be single since we go married and hid it, has been unhappy, doesn’t want marriage counseling, etc. etc. We don’t have any kids so I really don’t see the purpose in talking. It would probably just be to help him navigate his guilt and reiterate the bullshit he has already said that’s ripped me apart already…OR *plot twist* he just wants to talk about martial assets because the big screen and Dyson was DEFINTATELY on the list I gave to my attorney (shoulder shrug).

Happyish Birthday.

Would it be possible to forward the text to your attorney for a response? Perhaps the lawyer could respond to your husband’s message requesting a list of items for discussion, and ending with if there are no legal issues to discuss, he is to refrain from contacting you, or a cease and disist order may be necessary.

Fuck him, dude's a piece of shit. Don't respond, stay no contact, and only communicate with him through your lawyer. He wants to be cordial so that the shitty things he's done to you won't seem so bad. Fuck that, it's time to treat this asshole like a business partner that you're separating from and get what's yours.

Doesn't make it hurt any less, probably makes it hurt more... like the thought that this is what your life has become. It still hurts and it will for a long time. I am starting to realize there is no easy fix to this crap. Even staying busy just numbs it for a while, then when you're not busy it just comes back. You just have to live through it I guess. Feels impossible. Sending what little iota of strength I have back to you.

Happy Birthdat BB8!

You hit it on the head. The only reason he wants to talk is too assuage his own guilt and shame and for manipulation as to assets. If it were me I would just ignore the text and ignore him. DarylB had a very good suggestion to have your attorney respond.

No contact equals no new hurts. Never a more true truism in the case of infidelity.

Your STBXWH is moving quickly into your past. My philosophy is: Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your future lies on the road ahead of you.

Do nice things for yourself today. Surround yourself with family and friends if you can. Let the jerk wallow with his OW.

[This message edited by fareast at 12:29 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

I also was reaching out to see if you had interest in talking in person or over the phone. There are things I think we need to discuss as I think the zero communication isn’t the best method.

Personally, I'd text back... "Text me what you want to talk about and I'll let you know what form of communication would work for me".... then when he writes something about the TV ... you can have your Lawyer communicate.

NC is always best but if wondering what he could possible think was worth talking about is eating you up then I'd text something extremely short and to the point. Don't add anything emotional to it.

...and have a happy Birthday.

[This message edited by Freeme at 12:33 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

@Hurtmyheart - My thoughts exactly! He even claimed to have gotten some clarity from church (as if God said his adultery and was okay and divorce is too). He wholeheartedly felt like this was the “right” thing to do. To my knowledge the OW was never married. Sounds like she was still on and off with the father of her 2 children and honestly, only Lord knows who else she has in the mix besides my husband. Some days I have more motivation that others, but I’m certainly still in the forcing myself to do things phase. I hate that this situation has seemingly made me lose interest in most things

Wow this hit home for me. I went through the same thing when my "Christian" wife decided she was going to file for divorce and take all 3 of my daughters out of state and I couldn't stop her. When I attempted to remind her that this is not the way a Christian behaves she proceeded to tell me she believed God would make an exception for her. My jaw just hit the floor when I heard that come out of her mouth. Her word vomit just brought me to the realization that she had seriously lost her mind and there was no dealing with her at that point but I did sarcastically point out to her that I wasn't aware God had made special provisions for her in His commandment against adultery. This was someone who never missed church on Sunday, insisted that our daughters attend Catholic schools and had up until that point been the perfect Christian wife. She even told me many times throughout our "marriage" that should anything ever happen she would never keep our daughters from seeing me. Turns out she was actually the very spawn of Satan...Taking my girls halfway across the country to live, bad mouthing me to all our friends and her family, attempting to limit my time with the kids to as little as possible and even using my bad financial situation at the time due to child support payments to attempt to "buy me off", as in letting her new "old" man adopt my girls so I wouldn't have to pay child support. Cheaters are so warped and out of touch with reality that they even believe God would alter his rules to accommodate them

One thing I can tell you is when reality sets in and this POS realizes that he's now a stepdad to kids and he's just inherited a whole new set of responsibilities and he wakes up to a woman who's looks will fade a whole lot sooner than he expected, the regrets will set in, and when he attempts to crawl back to you, and he will, I hope you will tell him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. You deserve so much more

[This message edited by fused at 3:54 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

I wouldn't respond. He's made it very clear that he has no interest in keeping communication channels open for your sake - the only time it's acceptable for communication to happen is, apparently, when HE has something to say.

I think he's said enough. Any discussion of assets can and should be done through your attorney, and as for the rest - what more is there to say? I'm not a fan of the vague 'we have things to discuss and it should be done in person' seems manipulative to me. It's like, if you have something to say, just say it. Don't make me reach out to you like I'm the one that wanted to talk. Ugh.

Yeah. I'd ignore the crap out of him.

@DarylB - Thank you! I ended up sending a screen shot of the text to my attorney and asked if he had been in contact with my husbands attorney. He said he was waiting on a call back but had submitted his request for financials. He went with a big firm so I doubt his attorney called him within 1 day from hearing firm mind (although I could be wrong). I hate that he used my birthday as leverage to contact me and didn’t actually even wish me a happy birthday...smh. I don’t think he will reach out again. I think he did that to “check the box” for whatever reason and just to say he “tried to talk”. I know it was just a text, but there was no sincerity in it. Just arrogance.

@Falc - You are my spirit animal. No seriously. I’m still wallowing in sadness paddling up shits creek right now, but I feel every word you say. I hope I make you proud when I say I did not respond. I did wake up at like 4am with the urge to, but didn’t. He told me he “wonders what life is like without me”, so I guess this will help him see. No contact. Every time someone tells me to keep busy I try to describe the exact feeling you did. All it does it numb it temporarily and most folks don’t seem to understand that.

@fareast - I found out from my attorney that he hasn’t actually sent the list yet, so that puts me at a loss on my original theory. Perhaps it is him still trying to assuage his guilt and really only planned on rehashing the same topics we discussed before, but in a way to further blame me and help HIM get his closure from this. No new contact no new hurts is perfect and something I repeated to myself yesterday a few times when withholding a response back to him. Thank you for that.

@Freeme - I struggled with this a lot. The person he knows would have definitely texted back and something like that. In an attempt to change and implement 180, I ended up not responding. Tough as shit for me. Thank you for the birthday wishes!

@fused - you’ve got to be kidding me!! Wow...I used to think maybe because my husband didn’t really grow up with a solid Christian background, he didn’t see the big deal in divorcing like he was breaking up with a gf. But clearly that doesn’t matter (thinking about your wife’s background). I literally laughed out loud @ “special provisions” haha good one! I assume that made her good and mad. I know everything happens in due time, but man do I wish reality would set in right now. To think, someone chose being a stepdad after 1 year over starting a new family with me after being together so long is soul crushing. I honestly feel like sometimes his reality is SO warped he just may never come to the realization that he made the biggest mistake in his life.

@beauchateaux - yes! He has had all the power in this so by not responding I felt I reclaimed a small piece. I of course am curious what’s so important for us to discuss since we don’t have kids. The only think I can think of is him wanting to talk about the utilities on the house (all in my name). He tried to removed me from the accounts but I called, changed it back and put a passcode on it. My attorney is going to let me know if I can just relinquish control of the utilities, but apparently it’s recommenced that stuff like that “stay the same” during a divorce.

The nightmares continue sporadically and my husbands text yesterday definitely followed me like a little rain cloud over my head all day. My emotions are all over the place. At any given minute I feel like I could ugly cry or just lash out in a rage. On Monday my team through a surprise bridal shower for my coworker who is getting married. I haven’t told anyone at work so I felt especially uncomfortable when the married people in the room was asked to give advice to her. I swear it’s like the universe is taunting me...

Happy Belated Birthday

Is there any person you are comfortable with at work to tell about what is going on? I would strongly urge you to at least inform your supervisor - on the off chance he does something that impacts your job...Not saying he would but he has lied before and you didn't expect it. I'm one of those half empty types of folks that plans for the worst and is surprised by something better.

The more folks who know, the more support system you have. Also, it is not a reflection on you that your WH is horrible, it is all him.