SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are times we all feel stuck.

More hugs (((brokenbride))) - like you, WXH had been my one and only. I never even looked at other men. I had never dated as an adult.

You're way too early to start to think about dating, but once you are ready, it all depends on your mindset. I went on over 60 first dates and have a ton of funny stories. Of course there were frustrations at the time, but funny to look back on. My current (faithful) SO is such a better partner than WXH ever was. I know you can find the same.

As for sex, selfish people (e.g. cheaters) tend to make terrible lovers. Had my WXH never cheated, I never would have known good sex (although at the time, as I didn't know any better, I was very pleased with him as a partner in every way, but current SO blows WXH out of the water in every single category.)

Also, just to expound on my reward system - crying can be necessary catharsis that will help your healing, so don't stifle it if you need to cry. Definitely stifle contacting him as that is definitely not necessary and will delay your healing.

I can tell from what you've wrote that you are so strong and have a wonderful life ahead. It takes time -- way more time than I think is fair -- to get over being betrayed. But you can do it and in time you will likely be grateful that he showed you who he was and that you got a do-over. I have been very vocal about my situation IRL; as such, people confide in me. I know scores of people who were cheated on, left the cheater, and created a wonderful new life for themselves. Most of them wound up finding a (much better) partner and all of them are happier now. I know this seems like your distant, distant future now, but it will be here before you know it. Keep moving forward!!!

Yes, as phmh says, cheaters are horrible lovers. Who cares if he thinks life is better without you? We all know iits not and it won’t be. Karma is cooking him up a shit sandwich and she might serve dinner a little late, but she always delivers.

You gotta rework your thinking into not feeling bad for him. I know it’s hard. I’m having to rework myself too. I was just told this a week ago. But we gotta do it. They have to learn the hard way now. We cant be there to cushion their falls anymore.

The repitition is your mind trying to resolve the cognitive dissonance....what is real and what you thought was real. This is truly traumatic...

My 3am awakenings and replaying everything was killing me. I told my doctor and he prescribed sublingual Ativan. No high - no yummy feelings - just my body would stop stressing over what my mind was thinking about and I could fall back asleep. I only needed it for night and I only used it for a few months and was able to easily stop them.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:28 PM, January 24th (Thursday)]

@phmh – This give me a glimmer of hope! Although right now I’m basically repulsed by the thought of being intimate in any way with ANYONE, it gives me in a weird way something to store in my mind and hopefully love forward to one day. I just pray that it’s in my cards to find someone better in every way who WON’T cheat on me.

@QVee – I keep replaying in my head how my WH said in our final days “I sometimes wonder what life is like without you.” It almost hurts more now than it did when he said it now that’s I’ve had time to process it. I wish I knew a timetable of how long before the shit sandwich will be ready for me. Trying hard to protect myself and not wish anything bad or fantasize about revenge but it’s so.damn.hard.

@sassylee – I may have to get something because NyQuil zzz is not cutting it anymore  It’s almost like my mind/body keep finding new ways to process this. I’m just so glad I’m over the stomach drop/rollercoaster feeling. I’d be sitting stationary, think about what was happening to me and boom! It literally felt like that would never go away. Guess that’s progress.

Friday Update:

I got yet ANOTHER text from the Snake (aka my WH “best friend”) on Wed. He said “So I’m the enemy now?”. I didn’t respond. Then he calls me about an hour later (didn’t answer) THEN he texts me immediately after “Call me important!”. My stomach dropped a little and my mind immediately began to race with the possibilities of what it could be. Did the OW and my WH “break up” and now regret is sinking in?? Is my WH planning to do something else shitty to me or ruin the case and he wants to warn me?? Or is he just baiting me in and trying to get me to answer to talk to me and open back up my wounds??

Honestly, at the end of the day I don’t see what could be SO important at this point. My husband is a cheater who filed for divorce. I moved out and we don’t have kids. There’s really nothing to be discussed as far as I’m concerned. Yesterday I got a call from a strange number (which I never answer). I look it up in White Pages of course and get a commercial address. Google the address and come to find out it’s the Snake’s office number!! The last time (before I cut him off) he had something soooooo “important” to tell me was when he found out the OW said she “can’t do this anymore” in dramatic fashion and started to ignore my WH after I sent her an email. That quickly resolved and they were back talking the next day. Even if that was the case now, what difference would it make anyway? Is his friend stupid enough to think I would reach out to my husband and try to get him to change his mind and pick me?

I’m not going to lie, I can’t bring myself to block the friend, but I am staying strong in not responding or answering. I’m extremely curious of course, but again staying strong…

I also have a new confession…in my moments of desperation, I’ve started calling psychics I know I know…pathetic. I’ve definitely called way too many at this point. Some say similar things (with predictions and timelines), but I only end of feeling fulfilled for a day or 2 then hit a low and get the urge to call another. I’m embarrassed that I’ve even developed this little habit…I don’t even smoke, gamble and only drink socially (sometimes and it would be like a pina colda or margarita)…who AM I becoming!? Gah!!!! I hate what this has done to me.

Hang in there bb8. Time is your ally. Do your best to focus on other things. Do things you really enjoy and be nice to yourself. When I was separated from my fWW for several months I joined a running club. I volunteered at my local ‘Y’ for kids activities. I volunteered for community activities. Anything to get me out with other people and out of my own head, and doing something that might benefit someone less fortunate. Just my thoughts.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:47 PM, January 25th (Friday)]

I think you are doing great not calling the Snake. If it were something really important he could text it, he wants you to call so he can gage your reaction to his gossip. If its big you will hear it via the grape vine without any snake involvement. I have the theory your WH put the Snake up to -hitting on you so that he can push the "affair" blame onto you. It would be so easy to say he ended it because you hooked up with his best friend and OW was his shoulder to cry on. Despicable but that's the way he has been behaving since D-day.

I understand the psychic calls... just want hope that things will get better. Just be careful and dont' give out too much information.

Brokenbride, I hope you are doing better. I realized after I told you to read my WH post, you may not have understood it. So, I will tell you myself. My WH quit drinking and bottom line, he found God. We also went to Celebrate Recovery, attended Alanon, we both went to IC then to MC. We both worked hard for change. And we have changed in positive ways. We became a team and have learned how to listen to each other and hear what the other was saying. It's been a long, hard road to reconciliation. Things are much better now. I will never offer that blind trust to anyone ever again but on the other hand, we are building a mutual trust and a mutual respect for each other. I am happy for it but there are still days that things are very tough for me to accept.

These experiences are now a part of who I am and they will never go away and I am learning to accept them. Just as your experiences are now a part of who you are. In time, you also will learn to accept them as part of your growth and life lessons.

Personally, I don't see how that door back to your WH can ever be opened again after the hurt he caused not only to you but many other people as well. This has been a family trama. So many people have been affected. It is sad but in time you will recover from this experience and you will become a better version of yourself. Hang in there. It's a tough emotional rollercoaster but things will get easier and the light will shine through at the end of the tunnel.

@fareast – thank you…I’d give anything at this point to expedite the time. I almost feel like I don’t know what I enjoy anymore. I caught myself avoiding certain things that I used to enjoy, but with my STBXH. For example, we had our shows we would watch during the week after work. I’ve been back at my parents since the end of November and honestly have probably watched 5 hours of TV time since (total). Some days I feel motivated to rediscover myself, and honestly somedays if I accidently got hit by a bus on the way to work I’d be fine with that. The extreme highs and lows are incredibly tough.

@Freeme – I’ve had family think the same theory!! I just don’t see why since I’ve been very, very conscious in my discussions with him NOT to give him any information about my whereabouts, next moves, etc. Guess when I finally decide to expose the Snake, I’ll have to remember my WH might be in on it. Crazy…just crazy to think.

@Hurtmyheart – I’m so glad that things worked out for you guys and you’re on a much better path! That’s seriously amazing. I can imagine some days are tough to work through, but as you said, it’s a part of your story now. I somedays secretly wish my story could take shape like that, but as you know my WH is the one leaving me without thinking twice about it. I feel like a part of me has accepted what’s happening enough to get back to minor functions (like being able to concentrate at work more, eating more, etc.), but not enough to say boldly that I’ve truly accepted it if that makes any sense. This truly has been a family trauma and it’s evident by the discussions I’ve had with family and close friends till this day. I just broke it to a close girlfriend who lives out of state (came in town for the weekend to see family) and her shock was palpable through the phone. Then came the tears. Sometimes I wish he could understand and FEEL the true depth and breadth of the pain he has caused.

Update: This weekend was rough. I feel like I’m strapped in tight to the emotional rollercoaster and the operator has increased the speed. I went to IC Sat morning and left feeling pretty good. Had a spurt of motivation and crossed some stuff off my “to-do” list. Fast forward to the evening - I dropped. I don’t know what triggered it but I found myself crying again and begging the heavens above to help me and give me answers. My father literally hates him now and I found out from my sister that she overheard my parents talking. Basically, my dad said to my mother that he just really didn’t see this coming (in a tone where it’s like he feels at fault or is taking ownership in someway). He said he “tricked us all”. My WH asked for my hand in marriage and my dad helped hide the ring for a month and the proposal was elaborate and well thought out… My family loved him so much and invested so much in him as well. Double dates and movie nights with my parents, only uncle my niece and nephew really knew and they loved him, family vacations to the Caribbean, the list goes on and on. Although we don’t have kids, there’s almost an added layer of sadness and grief that my aging parents accepted him in so wholeheartedly for him to basically say “fuck you” to us all.

I also found out that he went to my sister’s social media page and watched her highlight story she posted from my birthday (where I made an effort to look extremely fabulous in BTW). It made me smile a little to know that even though he unfollowed her, he still had SOME curiosity about what I was doing to even look her up and go to her page to be nosey (no contact for a month now) and I looked good too (even if I don’t feel it…faking it til I make it). Then my mind immediately reverted back to the fact that no matter how good I look or how good I was to him, it just wasn’t enough. Then I began to wonder yet again what was so important the Snake needed to call me and & text.

I am still waiting for the feelings of embarrassment to go away as well as the nagging feeling of not being "enough"

Confession: I've been obsessing over the OW...found out she DOES have a social media page. I've looked and researched so much about her I'd be able to pick her out in a crowd...Seeing her happy at work functions or in everyday life pictures makes me sick. She doesn't deserve to be happy.

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 8:59 PM, January 27th (Sunday)]

You may not realise it, but there are a few of us here in this forum, who, although do not post on your thread, follow your story with alot of care, concern, and empathy.

We all wish the best for you, and the best for your future.

I don't believe OW is happy.

Yesterday, a women who I assumed was trustworthy overstepped her boundaries with my WH and I. My WH was helping me out and he stepped into a room to do something. She followed him into the room and she kept on saying hi to him. She obviously wanted to get my WH involved in a conversation. By the third attempt of her trying to talk to him, he got mad and walked out pissed and he told me (while she was walking behind him), that she just doesn't get that he has no desire to talk her. He completely shut her down. I saw her a little later and I could see that she was pretty upset. Oh well, don't try to move in on another women's husband.

I was thinking about this today and remembered this women told me that she and her husband lead separate lives and spend their time pursuing other interests instead of each other and their relationship.

After some thought, I realized that her husband must really ignore her and doesn't give her the attention she needs to feel loved and secure in their marriage. Figured she's lonely and is looking for love in all the wrong places?

This is how I see OW. Unhappy in her life and goes after men who are off limits. Your WH. No happiness there.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 6:20 AM, January 28th (Monday)]

I've been obsessing over the OW...found out she DOES have a social media page.

Did you see anything about the baby daddy?

@paboy – Thank you<3. I truly appreciate the note. Hope my venting/updates on the journey helps others find a tiny bit of comfort in knowing their note alone. I know the similarities in others stories have helped me a little. Wishing you the best!

@Hurtmyheart – I hate people. People like that anyway. But since there will always be people like that, I hoped my STBXWH would be strong enough not to give in or entertain it. I can’t help but think sometimes they are just on the phone laughing and carrying on now that I’m “out of the way”. Scenarios of her coming over to our marital home, sitting on our couch cuddled up watching a movie or her sleeping with him in what used to be our bed. It’s like no matter how hard I try to focus on other stuff, my brain overrides everything and takes me down a path of hypothetical scenarios that really don’t do anything but hurt me more. It’s a sick cycle I’m in right now. I know I need to stop, but it’s almost like I can’t help it.

@Freeme – Unfortunately, her page is private. I spent a good day thinking of who I could get to add her (that’s far enough removed from me that my STBXWH wouldn’t even know). She has over 300 pictures. None of which are of my husband I know because they aren’t even friends on there…guess they are trying to keep it really lowkey. I think it might be best for me to give up on trying to get in. All I will probably do is see a crazy amount of pictures, screen shot them and send them to family & friends while comparing myself to her. At this point, I have a feeling nothing will break them up.

I had a nightmare last night. It involved me going to their workplace. My STBXWH and the OW were in the hallway chatting with coworkers when I barged in, called her by her name and ask for her to come in another room so we can chat (all very, very loudly to cause a scene). I went into the other room and basically started cussing her out and asked what kind of women meets a married man at a hotel, etc. etc. Then I woke up before I could get the satisfaction of laying hands on her. This of course set the tone for my day. I HATE that I’m obsessing over her and their relationship. For all I know, it could be on the rocks or they don’t even talk. But there is a part of me that feels like my STBXWH would have tried to communicate with me by now if that was the case…or maybe not. Who knows.

I told another friend/old coworker today. We talked for 2 hours and I gave all the details. In the moment when I do this I feel good. Then I have a little bit of regret and question if I “said too much”. I know it’s stupid because it’s not like I’m divulging info and we are trying to work it out. Just don’t know why I would feel that way….

Everyone tells me to focus on myself and to create goals, but so many of my goals involved him (i.e., starting a family, getting a new house, maternity pictures, etc.). I had even planned to do a boudoir shoot as a surprise gift for him before my body started to change from the pregnancy. I was just in so, so, deep because I thought we’d be together forever. As silly as it sounds, the chance of pigs flying seemed more likely than this. One day I’m considering hypnotherapy and the next I’m finding enjoyment and contentment in little things like my cup of coffee. Lord help me.

New goals are the priority.

Your brain releases stress chemicals during sad or angry thoughts, blood flow restricts. We don't do our best thinking on an unhappy brain.

Get out, expertise, think positive thoughts. Sure a negative one will come up, but say to yourself, this set amount of time is put aside for other things. Get that body moving. Eat fresh fruit and veggies. Take a healthy brain oil like fish oil or flaxseed oil. Drink water. Sleep. You can healthy brain yourself through this.

Some people try to drink or eat too much. They don't rest and don't exercise. The sadness and agonising thoughts crowd out other thoughts. This is hurting your brain when you need it to help you.

Keep working on the feelings but give yourself a rest from it too.

You were always worthy. Your dad was right, he was not.

Everyone tells me to focus on myself and to create goals, but so many of my goals involved him (i.e., starting a family, getting a new house, maternity pictures, etc.). I had even planned to do a boudoir shoot as a surprise gift for him before my body started to change from the pregnancy. I was just in so, so, deep because I thought we’d be together forever. As silly as it sounds, the chance of pigs flying seemed more likely than this. One day I’m considering hypnotherapy and the next I’m finding enjoyment and contentment in little things like my cup of coffee. Lord help me.

Oh man does this pretty much sum up my life right now. I know you and I have talked about our similarities in the timing of trying to have kids with our STBX's, planning our futures etc.. It is so hard to imagine a new future when you had so much of it planned out with them! But contentment in the little things is great! Keep that gratitude flowing!

Check out Journey from Abandonment, both the book and the workbook. The first part on The Shattering is amazing! The mindfulness techniques are so, so helpful! Be prepared to cry some cathartic tears.

But Pureheartkit is right, new goals have to be the main priority. Take each of those goals that you had with him and redefine it to fit into your new future without him.

Obviously kids probably won't be on the horizon for a bit longer than you had planned - but is it possible you might look into getting a pet? Something to focus your maternal instincts on? Of course don't bite off more than you can chew, and if you aren't ready to take on that level of responsibility that's fine, but it might be a good way of giving yourself something else to focus on. You could even start small with something super low maintenance like a fish.

Or if you don't want the commitment of having to take care of a pet yourself, humane societies and animal shelters love it when volunteers come to walk the dogs and play with the cats! You can get some unconditional love from some animals, as well as have something to focus your nurturing instincts on without any commitment! Then if you eventually feel ready you could even adopt one of them.

I already have two cats, and they have been a tremendous comfort. However I do still plan to volunteer at the animal shelter near me once I get settled into my new place. It checks so many of the necessary boxes for healing - gets you out of the house, provides a distraction, gets you moving/exercising by walking the dogs, and gets you some Vitamin D by being outside with them.

There's also nothing saying you can't buy a place on your own, it just will be harder of course with a single income. Maybe set up a financial plan for yourself to start saving to buy something just for you. It will likely be smaller than what you had with your husband, but it would be all yours. With legal fees for the divorce it might take a bit before you can start saving much, so be realistic with yourself. But you had already been putting aside money for a new house with your husband, so there's nothing stopping you from doing it for just you! I have some IRS debt that I need to clear up, so I have made that my new priority, that way I can move on and focus on saving for a home.

Take the money you were going to spend on boudoir photos and a maternity shoot and put it towards something nice for yourself. Maybe invest in a brand new bed and nice new bedding. Was there a style of furniture that you never bought because your husband didn't like it? Or bedding you didn't get because you were afraid it would be too feminine for his taste? Get it for yourself!

Also it is always nice to spend your money on experiences rather than things. I know you've mentioned how much you love to travel, but that might be triggering for a while as you are used to traveling with your husband. What about signing up for a class with some of your friends? I've always found the art of glass blowing to be incredibly interesting, and I found a place nearby that offers classes, so as soon as I get settled I want to sign up for it!

Is there anything you have always thought about but never indulged? Calligraphy, cooking, throwing pottery, tap dancing, photography, sewing... you name it, and there is probably a class for it. Even if your friends don't want to sign up, classes of any kind could be a great way to expand your horizons and meet new people! Plus any number of those things could turn into a side hustle that could allow you to save more money towards your goal of buying a house.

I write all of these things to you, because they are also reminders to myself to get on top of all of it. Change is always uncomfortable. But if we push through it we can come out the other side even stronger and better off for it!

You are doing great! I am cheering you on through all of it! As are so many other people here

brokenbride8,

I posted in your Divorce/Separation thread before reading this one and now that I'm all caught up, boy, do I freaking feel for you. Our flavor of cheater delivers us to a special kind of hell, one in which we absolutely DO NOT deserve to be. Your situation, however, is made much more complicated by carrying on some kind of relationship with a mutual friend.

The best advice I can give to you is to stop. Stop reaching out to him. Stop talking to this friend. Stop going on their social media pages. Stop caring about what he is and isn't looking at. Stop caring about the other woman. You're not going to change any of that now, so you're only wasting your time. I know that the desperate search for answers and status updates is an addictive drug, but you've gotta take the needle out. It's only going to impede your progress. The goal here is INDIFFERENCE. We're always going to carry around the emotional scars which our exes inflicted on us, but we can't let them define our lives. Block them. Block yourself. Write post-it notes everywhere--whatever you must do to cut all of this poisonous cancer out of your life completely.

In general terms, the fastest way through the shit sandwich is to give yourself little victories. Your brain is flush with bullshit chemicals and you have to actively fight them off. Feelings of success and progress are necessary to counteract the feelings of fear and monumental failure that you're no doubt feeling. Set goals, reach them, repeat. These goals can be anything from "I want to learn how to write with my non-dominant hand" to "I want to lose 10 lb." Just anything, really. You need to aggressively remind yourself that you're a worthwhile person in the world. The sooner you get your self esteem back, the sooner you'll realize the fundamental lesson which will help you move on: "my ex, his side piece, and his snake of a friend are all beneath me and not worth my motherfucking time, so why bother losing even one minute of sleep over this." You'll still need to wait it out to some degree, no matter how well you're doing, but the process moves faster if you're diving into life with the right mindset. Exercise also helps in this way because the endorphins are like a purely chemical version of the little victories.

You seem to be covered in the "talk out the poison" department, which is another very important step. The only advice I'd give you is to be wary of his family. They're HIS family, never forget that. I don't care how much you loved them and they loved you, they are firmly on HIS side and will always be. That's a blanket statement, and sure some of them might be a lot more sympathetic to your struggles, but at the end of the day, they're the ones who will be there for him over the next 30+ years whereas you'll be a total stranger soon enough. I hated having to go no contact with my BIL and MIL, but that's just how the cookie crumbles. Collateral damage abounds when a married asshole wants to have a dalliance with some coworker.

A very important thing that people don't usually mention is this: take a good, hard look at yourself right now. While it's important not to get wrapped up in the bullshit "It was all my fault, I've been a terrible wife/husband and deserved this" mentality, it's important not to get wrapped up in the equally-bullshit "I'm perfect just the way I am, it was all his/her fault" mentality. This isn't to be an apologist for cheaters. I think that cheating is the worst thing you can do to a spouse short of shotgunning them in their sleep. Still, this is a valuable lesson to learn while you're in the rare self-reflection period that people don't normally enter outside of a life-altering trauma. The truth is, unhappy people don't cheat. Ex-cheaters say that shit all the time, and it irks me every single time, but it's also fundamentally true. Sure, most of that unhappiness sits squarely on their shoulders, and they cheat because there's something INHERENTLY WRONG with them and their coping mechanisms. Plus by definition they're some combination of selfish, opportunistic dickhead and immature, shitty communicator--whether that's situational or baked into who they are as a person. This is textbook Piece of Shit behavior, through and through. However, once the circus in your head has died down, realize all the ways in which you could've been a better spouse. The real, hard to swallow ways, not just the surface stuff. I fancied myself a pretty self-aware guy, but I still swallowed a lot of tough pills in my path toward self-improvement.

Welcome to the brave new world of Single At 30: a world of dating apps, casual hook ups, and nobody taking marriage or the nuclear family seriously anymore. I'm not even thinking about dating for a very long time. The longer you get out from a relationship, the more you start to understand what people mean by "take this time to work on yourself." The thing is, no matter how many epiphanies we have about life and ourselves, we're all at risk of falling right back into our old routines and repeating the same mistakes. The longer we wrap ourselves in solitude and build completely independent lives, the more opportunity we give ourselves to reassess what we want out of the world and how we should act in it. It sucks, because who doesn't miss sex and cuddles and kisses and just talking about your day, every day, with someone who seems to legitimately give a shit, but nothing worth having in life comes easy.

Godspeed to you and your future. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You've got a lot to look forward to.

Keep moving forward each day and live your life to the fullest, that is your best revenge. Be truly happy without him.

You have great strength, look at how far you've come in this process. Can't image what you'll feel like in a year. Just do what you can to keep moving forward.

reverted back to the fact that no matter how good I look or how good I was to him, it just wasn’t enough.

Stop that. He wasn't good enough for you.

Obsessing is normal, Brokenbride. In time, you will find a new normal and those awful thoughts you are having will begin to fade away and become a dark and distant memory of your past.

Just go through it and stop fighting it. Eventually you will realize there isn't any reward and you will get bored and begin to think about more important things in life that matters.

I found that the more I fought to get rid of the obsessive thoughts and images, the worse it got. In the beginning the thoughts were 24/7 and I went into very dark places where the images were so overwhelming, that I didn't want to deal with them or at times, even live. I also developed PTSD because of the overwhelming emotional pain.

What helped me was to observe the thoughts and images in my mind as they were playing out and accept them just as that, thoughts and images because obviously, they weren't going away any time soon!!! Lol

I would say we are about a year out from our last D Day and I also had some realizations on my part that caused my husband to act out. It does get easier.

It took me a few days to get over the latest incident when the OW was showing interest in my WH.

Are you currently taking any antidepressants?

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 11:16 AM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

It is very hard to accept that something is very wrong with a person you love. If you do some research you will probably find a definition of your husband.

There was a blog a few years ago written by a woman who could be your twin. He new husband had ingratiated himself into her family and they all loved him. Unbeknownst to her he was already cheating and before the ink was dry on her marriage license his mask fell off. I don’t think she realized how lucky she was that his true nature showed up so quickly. He had also been her boyfriend for a long time too.

When you have someone with this type of personality a marriage license squeezes the truth out of them. I will bet he never stays in any relationship very long.

Once you get past all this I think you will be thankful that he is gone. Sometimes there is nothing behind the mask and that is scary.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:16 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]