SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@ChamomileTea & @Krieger – Yeaaaa a lot of other have referred to his immaturity in all of this. Thank you for the reminder that they are indeed EXCUSES not logic…every once in a while, I have to remind myself that or else I go down the rabbit hole of “what ifs, if onlys”. You’re right. He didn’t choose to be direct and problem-solve and just decided to use whatever he was feeling as ammunition.

@ibonnie – Insane! “Years” huh? I’m sure that was a big head scratcher!! My husband definitely mentioned the “fun” part and you probably saw from his love note that he felt their “vibe was unique” *vomit*. Why oh WHY do they always cheat DOWN?! I’m sure if the AP was was actually “better” (in whatever way that means), it would no doubt come with a whole different set of issues. But, usually that’s not the case yet we still get stuck with feelings of insecurity and doubt. I’m glad that your husband actually saw the light. I have a strong feeling that my husband is so far gone he has officially morphed into an entirely new person…Going to look up that video too!

@ShutterHappy – Perfect, yet frustrating analogy! I definitely enjoyed my birthday weekend (surprisingly). I cut and colored my hair, got my makeup done and wore a new outfit. My girlfriends went above and beyond to shower me with love and I will forever be grateful for it. Did I have a “moment” where reality hit me every so often? Absolutely! But was finally able to get to a good stretch of time where I was so preoccupied with other things that it didn’t make me feel like crawling in bed. Progress.

@Hurtmyheart – You’re right…So far the snake has tried to contact me 5X!!! Call, 2 texts and a FB message – WTF. I guess for some reason he convinced himself that he was exempt from being cut off because he “helped” give me info? Who knows but I’m going to expose him at the end of my divorce. My husband’s mother ended up texting me again telling me to enjoy my birthday weekend and once of his cousins (older man) wrote on my picture that was posted to his grandfather’s FB page “she is a fox nephew, you better think twice!” – I laughed a bit, but yeaaaa my husband is long gone.

@pureheartkit – I keep telling myself it’s lust, but then there’s a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of me that questions what if it is love (foolish I know…). Filing for divorce with no desire to work through anything is just so drastic to me it’s hard to pin that to lust. I’m so sorry to hear you were in a similar situation because it’s truly hard to wrap the mind around, especially knowing something for so long. I hate that I feel like he has robbed me of all the things I dreamt of for us…

@The1stWife – I know  Good perspective on the children…in one of my very low moments I secretly thought to myself if kids would have changed the course of things. But you’re right. He clearly was not as ready as he thought he was to have kids. I just hate that he took some of my best years away from me and sucked up time from me finding the right person. He surely has not taken ANY ownership or shown an ounce of accountability in this.

@beauchateaux – Very true…and yes, very frustrating…I feel like my husband has completely ignored the cheating/infidelity part as his harbored resentments or “reasons” were mainly tied to why he felt a divorce was best. He has had little to no acknowledgment that he is/was having a WHOLE damn affair since the day I found out. It’s bizarre.

@WifeInterrupted4 – Thank you  I know I shouldn’t care and start to focus more on me, but honestly, I hope everything falls apart with him and the OW and that I have a front row seat for the crash and burn. But my husband is super prideful so I feel like even when things go south, he will hold on to that relationship for dear life and past its expiration date JUST to avoid the “I told you so’s” from family/friends. I appreciate the advice. I think I have been doing this because a friend pointed out that he is “gone” as well.

Overall update: My boss just announced to me she is pregnant today…that makes 2 pregnant women on my team that I have to muster up the emotions to be happy for. Don’t mean to sound bitter (as I am happy for them), but man does it magnify how much further away I am from the family unit I thought I’d have with my husband. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to even tell anyone at work now with everyone gushing about their spouses and how they are expanded their families…

He has not tried to reach out to me at all (but the snake has…smh). The house that was once our home is now just a place of hurt. The thought of going back there brought a wave of emotions and sadness that I never want to feel again. I moved the rest of my stuff (95%) out of the house and picked up the last of my mail before the mail forwarding kicks in.

P.S. I got so many compliments this weekend about how amazing I looked for my birthday!! It felt good to look good and some of my friends made sure to it that he would catch a glimpse *wink*. I was faking the funk a little (not as happy as I probably looked to him on social media), but they say fake it to you make it right? Guess that’s better than him knowing I still cry at night sometimes…Of course some would question “oh what did hubby think” in reference to my new hair cut? and that kind of made me feel those feelings of not being “enough” again…and that I’m probably not even his type anymore anyway…

Through all this, it was nice that his made you laugh

“she is a fox nephew, you better think twice!” – I laughed a bit, but yeaaaa my husband is long gone.

Back in the day being called a "fox" was high praise...the only thing better was the very rare (like one per high-school) "stone fox"

Hang in there...seems like he may have changed his "type". It is often said they always affair down.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 7:51 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

Brokenbride8 right, no more pain shopping.

I know that you don't want to let go of his family but sooner or later it should happen, for you. Problem is that your WH is gone and your continuing to hang on to his side of the family is only hurting you more. But I do understand they also are mourning yours and your STBXWH breakup. They too are becoming your past though, at least for now.

I think it is funny about Snake. It's actually bizarre how he wants to hang onto you and yet he is married? I am glad you are cutting your ties with him. Especially since he was an advocate of your WH affair. Makes me think of the sayings birds of a feather flock together or the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You are getting to know your STBXWH true colors!

I truly believe once all of this is in your past, you are going to meet your true soulmate, the man of your dreams.

The best advice I received from others when I was going through the worst time of my life was to not complicate things by dating until I had time to heal (at the time my WH was divorcing me also for his indiscretions. Stupid. Only by the grace of God, we are still together and thriving. My husband is a changed man).

I feel this is your time to heal and spend time getting to know you and what you are about. You are very young and have a great future ahead of you! TBH, and I don't even like saying this but I wouldn't change my experiences I went through because if I didn't go through that extremely dark period in my life, I wouldn't be the women I am today. Those dark times shaped me and I love the person I am today. I am much stronger and expect the utmost respect from others, esp. my WH. I got rid of the toxic people out of my life, I am very confident in myself...good things. I really enjoy my today! I expect you will have your own positive emotional growth experiences, in time. On the other side of your darkness, there will be light, a bright and shining light. A new bright and shining day. Right now though, it is imperative to continue through your journey to find that light once again. It is there, you will see. I promise.

In immature men lust can be confused with love. He would probably say he feels a mixture. Who knows, who cares. He turned away from real love. Real Love is something different. Real Love is truly caring for someone above oneself. It is gratitude and giving of one's self.

Be happy for your friends. Your beautiful child is waiting for the one who loves you and will be a wonderful father. You are both waiting for the one who truly loves and watches over. He's going to be so happy too.

Brokenbride, your response to the pregnancies in your office are completely understandable. Don't beat yourself up about it or think you have to explain it. A lot of us have been there.

When my ex left me for his best friends wife, we owned a Bed and Breakfast. It was a unique kind of torture to be in the business of creating romance for a living while you're going through a divorce. I remember the first Valentine's Day weekend, when a young couple sought me out to tell me they had just gotten engaged in my Inn. I smiled and told them how happy I was for them. But in my head I was screaming "Don't do it you stupid fools!" So I understand.

[This message edited by Charity411 at 2:36 PM, January 17th (Thursday)]

Don’t mean to sound bitter (as I am happy for them), but man does it magnify how much further away I am from the family unit I thought I’d have with my husband. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to even tell anyone at work now with everyone gushing about their spouses and how they are expanded their families

I 100% agree. I had to get off Instagram because I was sick of seeing couples in love and happy. It was a constant reminder of what I was lacking. It's totally understandable. You're hurting, had certain expectations of your life, and now your timeline has slightly shifted.

As hard as it is to digest now, you've dodged a bullet! Having a family with your WH would have presented you with a whole host of difficult situations. Many people in our situation feel as you do, that the WS took something from us. Which they did. After being pissed at the world for quite some time, I'm trying to find what I've gained. An understanding of what I deserve. The peace of not being in a toxic relationship. Evenings that don't include lies and shouting. Compassion and empathy from friends and family. Just trying to find joy in the little things.

Sending you lots of love!

I just read this entire thread and I just wanted to give you a huge hug ((((brokenbride))) and to tell you that you are going to be okay.

Only one thing to say about the "woman" with whom your STBXH is so enamored - she loves his money and power in the company. You said she has a much lower income, beat-up car, two kids, not getting child support. Wow, he fell for it! I have a feeling this won't be his only "love" interest either...when someone younger comes along needing a KISA...you can bet he'll drop OW and Rainbowskittlefartland will be officially closed.

Continue with IC and everything you've been doing to get out of infidelity and to help you heal. Your STBXH is clearly a couple fries short of a Happy Meal and as many on this thread have stated, you've dodged a bullet.

More hugs...

Lala

MickeyBill2016 – LOL! I’ll take it

Hurtmyheart – I’ve come to the realization that I will have to cut them off slowly…just a painful reminder for sure. The whole thing with the Snake KILLS me! I literally cannot WAIT to expose him. There was a part of me that didn’t want to because I said I wouldn’t (very, very early on before I realized he was a snake and started to come onto me), but now knowing he definitely had a hand in being an advocate AND making passes it me while he is married (happy or not), well…of with his head *shoulder shrug*. I pray that there is someone else out there for me. I must admit, reading stories on here about their WS marrying the OW terrifies me. He just doesn’t deserve to have love and it would finish me off to know that my husband ended up marrying the mistress…Do you mind sharing how your husband came to his realization and became a changed man? Thank you so much for the kind words. I’m trying to stay strong. I’ve already started to show improvements in strength (says my therapist/friends/family). I think I’m on my way to going a full week without crying!

Pureheartkit – You are absolutely right! I just don’t understand how he can’t see that. I would’ve done anything for that man...given him a kidney and he threw our relationship away like it meant nothing. A girlfriend of mine told me the other day that although it hurts, moving him out of my life makes me that much closer to the one for me and starting a family.

Charity411 – Oh wow… best friends wife??? I just don’t get how people can even do that!! I’m so sorry. But, I guess it can’t be too crazy knowing that my husband’s “best friend” is trying to get in my pants behind his back in the middle of all this…Every time I hear of another engagement I immediately think to myself “good luck” – shame

WifeInterrupted4 – I find myself unfollowing, muting and everything in-between on IG & FB. I never realized how much I surrounded myself with marital stuff, other couples, etc. until now. It’s a form of torture for sure. Thank you for the love! Sending it right back ya! Note to self: I dodged a bullet

Lalagirl – Thank you so much! Taking all the hugs these days…I don’t understand why he can’t see that!! Wait until I get his financial records in this divorce…I’m sure I’ll see some money sent to her…Gotta prepare for that.

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 12:33 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

Wait until I get his financial records in this divorce…I’m sure I’ll see some money sent to her…Gotta prepare for that.

OMG, definitely. Your lawyer will explain the logistics of that to you. I believe you're entitled for reimbursement for $$ he shells out for OW.

Some days I’m doing really well. Others feel like a day full of triggers and sadness. I shouldn’t have checked, but it looks like my husband deleted his grandfather from FB (the one who posted my picture - crazy). I hate that after reading some of the scenarios and stories on SI I feel like there is a part of me deep, deep down that wants him to be smacked in the face with the horror of his decisions and truly realize how horrible he has been and the damage he has done like other spouses. But I know it’s just too late... But instead, there’s been nothing...silence...which makes me feel like he is still riding high with the OW and perhaps even more so now that I am “out of the picture”. I’m still devastated that HE actually put forth the effort to file. Makes me feel so disposable.

I briefly caught myself looking at photos when my intention was to delete them. Some he is still tagged in which I’m surprised by. I assume it’s because he is still putting on an act of “togetherness” with me vs. actually caring. There was also a part of me that wonders if I should just NOT contest the divorce to hurry and sever ties and be able to move on with me life vs. having to wait until April-ish. There’s nothing in our marital home that I couldn’t buy or replace and there are so many things I want to do but can’t right now (pay off my car which was my goal for December until this happened, get a new house for myself, take trips, etc.) My attorney basically told me to remain low key for now.

I haven’t cried for 3 days straight and went to the gym yesterday (signed up for another gym bc my husband removed me from his account of course). I know I say it time and time again, but how in the world can someone turn so heartless and cold after over a decade of being amazing, upstanding and all around lovable to everyone! It drives me insane...

We were blessed in SO many ways and often got kudos from friends and family for “doing things right”. How in the world could someone throw that away!! It’s so hurtful to know that my husband would rather be with the OW who has so much baggage than continue to build a life with me on the right track.

Brokenbride8, go to the Wayward side and to the topic Rebuilding Trust. My WH is Joedoe. You can read what he wrote there from just the other day. My WH also wanted to say what also helped him is that he quit drinking. It has been over three years since he's taken his last drink.

I am sorry to read that your WH deleted his own grandfather from his fb but I suppose, what else would you expect? Grandpa sides with you and he is standing firm in his beliefs. Your WH is very wrong in his choices in life today. I guess that your WH is choosing his own destiny no matter who gets hurt. Problem with this thinking is that karma is a bitch and he will get his in time. I also firmly believe that when you take your vows, you also promise God to be faithful throughout marriage until death do you part. If your husband chooses to marry this women, his marriage will not be blessed. God does not believe in and support infidelity. Your WH marriage will be doomed if he should choose to marry her. Think about it, if they choose to marry, they will already have trust issues going into their marriage because they are both proven cheaters. I can't imagine today that any of your family or your WH family would want to see you back with him after everything he has done against all of you. I'm even disgusted by his behavior and I don't even know him. Your WH is making a choice based on the present moment and is not even considering that the future will most likely look different. Your WH is a fool because if he wanted out of the marriage that badly, he could have made wiser choices rather than leaving a path of destruction.

Isn't your WH mistress still involved with her XH? I thought she was still having a relationship with him?

In his mind you are the “enemy”. That explains his behavior during an Affair. So sorry for you.

I know I say it time and time again, but how in the world can someone turn so heartless and cold after over a decade of being amazing, upstanding and all around lovable to everyone!

Don't blow up your mind trying to understand it. You can't understand it because you don't think like he does.

Hell, maybe way deep down, his conscience is whacking him over the head with it constantly, and it's not helping that that's reinforced by all the encouragement on your side on social media. Some part of him probably knows he messed up, but like you said, he'd rather hang on to his supposed 'destiny' for dear life than face the fact that he destroyed a good thing.

Do you really want to be with someone who's that easily swayed?

The OW isn't getting a prize. She's getting a guy she knows would willingly do this all from a few seeds planted in his head and nourished by sun, water, and soil (ie those snake friends and his promotional ego boost). Now what would happen if another woman was even more cunning in persuading him away from her?

It'll just be an endless cycle for him because he refuses to take any accountability. He refuses to let go of his pride and arrogance. He refuses to look within himself. Those highs with OW won't last, and once he can't get any more from her, he'll probably move on to the next one.

Keep working on detaching and try weaning off the social media. If you feel the need to vent, vent here.

Wishing you strength.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 11:04 PM, January 19th (Saturday)]

We were blessed in SO many ways and often got kudos from friends and family for “doing things right”. How in the world could someone throw that away!! It’s so hurtful to know that my husband would rather be with the OW who has so much baggage than continue to build a life with me on the right track.

That's because your STBX is broken. Dysfunction attracts dysfunction. Many of the WS have good things going for them in their marriages, but they never work on their issues, and in the end, they self-sabotage by having affairs. That's what my WS did.

We had great things going for us too, but he never continued to work on his issues from his childhood, and now, 3 As later, we're divorcing and his whole life is falling apart. His excuse for cheating was that I didn't want to stay in a codependent relationship with him. Because I didn't want to engage in unhealthy behaviors with him, I deserved to be cheated on.

(((Brokenbride))) I'm just reading this and want to give you some encouragement.

I'm about 7 years ahead of where you are now, with a very similar story. Together over a decade, no kids, seemingly perfect marriage before, coworker affair out of nowhere, he was closer to my family than his, etc., etc. These unimaginative cheaters really do have a handbook. If you harness the wisdom of those of us who have gone before, you will save yourself mountains of pain.

First, you are doing amazingly well. When I was as early on as you are now, I was seriously contemplating suicide and barely able to function. You are doing so well, and you will continue to do better.

Try to go as No Contact as humanly possible. It's so hard; so, so hard, but it will help you in the end. You are so lucky that you don't have kids with him. I've had NC with my WXH since shortly after our divorce was final, and it's incredible. You will be able to heal much quicker since you can go true NC due to no kids. I told all my friends/family I didn't want to hear anything about him should they happen upon anything, and after a while, you really stop caring. But it is hard in the beginning. One of my favorite behavior change tricks is to visually show your progress and to reward yourself. I got a calendar and put a smiley face on every day that I didn't contact him. Then I gave myself a reward. One week = massage. Two weeks = 10 pack of yoga classes, etc. Whatever will be rewarding to you. NC is the single biggest thing that you can do for your healing. As much as it hurts, in the beginning, you will also want to distance yourself from his family and any mutual friends that are going to stay friends with him. As you heal, you may be able to rekindle those relationships, but for now you need to start fresh without constant reminders of what you thought you had and what you thought your future would be.

Focus on yourself. For me, I was socially isolated by WXH, so I had no friends. I joined some meetups (book club, beer club, knitting club), ran a lot, did yoga, took up painting, and started invited acquaintances out for a drink or coffee. I kept myself insanely busy and created a new social life for myself when I was 33. This has paid dividends beyond what I could have imagined.

Confide in friends. There is nothing to be ashamed of. When I was hiding the truth from family, I felt sick. But I told everyone. I was a fabulous wife who made a terrible choice of partner. I had just started a new job, and even told all of my new coworkers. Perhaps not the smartest move (probably depends on your work place) but for me, it was ideal. I had so much support and there was no gossip about my name change or why I was sometimes sad because I was upfront and people knew what was going on. Several people came to me to tell me that they'd been through something similar, and people were understanding when I had to take a day to go to court, etc. Invaluable.

Try to get the divorce over ASAP so you can focus on your life. It sounds like you are able to financially support yourself, and you'd likely not get much money from your WSTBXH. You can always make more money, but you can't make more time. Given your situation, it may be best to walk away and focus on your healing and your career. (I had put WXH through med school, to the tune of over $100k. My lawyer told me that my state's laws would look at that as a gift, so I had no claim to get repaid or to any of his future income, though I could take him probably up to the state supreme court and write new case law if I wanted to fight, but that it would be expensive and take time. I decided to let it go and focus on my career, which has paid off ten-fold, both in terms of promotions/raises I attained, as well as extra months where I could focus on healing instead of rehashing the unfairness of paying for schooling for a cheater and having to give him half of all assets even though he contributed far less than 10% during our 11 year marriage.)

I promise you that there is a wonderful life out there for you. You are smart, funny, and a real catch! Just focus on healing and getting better, finalize your divorce, and learn to recognize red flags. Become a whole, complete, interesting person on your own. I was single for about 4 years after D-Day and then met the most amazing man. We've been together about 3.5 years now, and our relationship is beyond what I ever could have imagined with WXH (remember, I thought my relationship with WXH was perfect and that I was super happy. If you'd told 2012 me that this was my future, I wouldn't have believed you as I still thought WXH was the most perfect partner for me and no one could even come close.) I know this will happen for you if you focus on NC, healing, and creating a wonderful life for you.

You've got this. It was NOTHING you did. Cheaters come up with ridiculous excuses so they can rationalize and live with their shitty life choices. WXH told me he had to cheat because I liked to read books and I saved for retirement. It's crazy making and don't waste anymore time trying to make sense out of nonsense. It does take 2-5 years to heal, so get started on that part so you can find your fun life that I know is out there. I benefited so much from the wisdom of those before me and while I definitely didn't follow all the advice 100%, listening to those on here got me healed far faster than I would have done on my own. You've got this!

@Hurtmyheart – I shouldn’t say this, but I hope I have front row seat as a spectator when his karma is handed to him. Thank you for reminding me that his marriage to her (which I believe is his ultimate intention) will NOT be blessed! I am assuming now that I’m out of the way (all except for the divorce being final of course), they are probably really in la-la land now. Just thinking about the gifts, dates, sex makes me want to vomit…Sometimes I spiral and start thinking if for some reason he apologized to God and God is a forgiving God, he won’t reap what he has sown. I know I probably sound silly or ignorant in this, but I can’t help it…Needless to say my family hates him now. He just took things to such a deep level of betrayal and immaturity and it really didn’t have to go that far. In other words, the path of destruction was sooooooo unnecessary. I’m not sure of the OW’s status to date, but when I was communicating with the Snake about a month ago he told me she was still involved with the father of her children on and off (guess he has a good relationship with him) but has been trying to convince my WH that she was “done with him” eye roll

@The1stWife – This is want my father told me as well…like I’m just “in his way” which is so hurtful in itself considering all of the history and good memories over the years. I’ve been nothing but good to my WH. No one is perfect, but I would’ve done anything and everything for him when it came down to it. I still replay the Snake telling me my WH told him I “love him too much”. Like WTF is that???

@Forks027 – That’s EXACTLY it. No accountability whatsoever…I think trying to stop myself from spiraling in my thoughts and going down the path of “why” is my biggest challenge right now. At first it was getting out of bed…then eating…then crying…now it’s turning off my thoughts. I deactivated my FB page because seeing other couples getting married and starting families is a painful reminder than I now have none of that. I’ll see how long I can hold out…I did look at some video footage from our vacation in October and he looked to happy and like he was enjoying himself with me. The deceit…it’s gut-wrenching.

@QVee – Keep word “self-sabotage”. Dead. On. But he doesn’t see it that way of course. I know I shouldn’t focus so much on him, but I’m fearful of the chance that he perceives life as so much better now that I’m gone…

@phmh – Thank you so much for sharing your story!! I really attribute my progress to family & my small circle of friends. They have been my rock. When I first found out, I was in the same boat, praying to God to just take me because the pain and sadness was just too much to bare. I didn’t necessarily want to commit suicide, but I definitely had a level of carelessness that I never experience…like if something happened to me, I’d be just fine with that. Never have I been so low. Not even in some of my darkest hours with family deaths. This was just different. I almost moved out of our home directly to an apartment vs. my parents because I was just so ashamed and devastated so I avoided even telling them until I absolutely had no choice. I ended up moving back home (older sister convinced me) and it turned out it was EXACTLY what I needed to start to patch up my soul. He hasn’t reached out to me since my birthday (Jan 8) and I honestly don’t see him attempting to reach out anymore. There’s no need to. I also thought about starting a calendar to track my progress of not crying! The reward part is a great add-on/incentive!! Thank you for that idea. I’ve been told by several people that I need to focus on self-care so this would be a good way to do that.

I am starting to consider just letting it go myself and not contesting anything. I sent my attorney a note today asking how quickly could I finalize the divorce if I went that route. Still struggling with my husband feeling any sort of “relief” from not having to give up anything and move on in our home like I was never there. I feel like I would be making things just too easy for him…

Thank you so much for the kind words! I’m so happy that you found life and happiness after your divorce too!!! It truly gives me a glimmer of hope!! I have so many single girlfriends that talk about how the dating world is hard and it really makes me feel worst some times while I try to hang on to my fragile faith. I truly enjoyed being a wife and took pride in it, so the thought of having to start over is absolutely terrifying to me.

Can I open up even more to you guys right now? What also makes this hard for me is that my husband was my FIRST and ONLY because we dated so young. I never cheated on him (not even a kiss) throughout college and we never broke up. It was tough sometimes of course, but I loved him so much and he was so dedicated to our relationship, I never allowed myself to succumb to temptation. There’s all kinds of STDs out here nowadays and that in itself stresses me the hell out. UGH!! Random rant.

((((brokenbride))))

Hang in there, sweetie; we're here...it gets slow sometime over the weekend...especially a holiday weekend.

IMO, your STBX has truly lost his mind. Like a psychotic break. Or, as others said, he's just an egotistical ass who wants what he wants when he wants it.

In either case, you are now free of him and you have quite the healing journey to embark upon. You're making great strides already and I'm glad you're comfortable sharing your feelings with us. It really does help to let out the pain.

This is all horrible. Omg. What a shitty man.

I’ve been with my cs for 24 years. 2 teens. And although he has apologized and asked for forgiveness, he seem to have zero comprehension of the pain he has caused all of us. Oh, how I want him to acknowledge it. But maybe he truly has no spine or soul.

Honestly, I look at him and I see a weak, selfish asshole.

But letting go of the best friend, of the plans,of the possible future I have envisioned. That is very hard.

Some days I wish he has run away with the ow so I wouldn’t have to decide these things.

Hugs and love. We will get through this.

@Lalagirl – Thank you! I’m certainly trying. Grateful to have a platform to vent on as I feel bad sometimes sounding like a broken record to my family and friends. Everyone has their own issues/problems day to day so I feel down sometimes this is all I can talk about. That’s the conclusion I keep coming back to as well. With the change being SO radical (like he is on drugs) and knowing he is NOT on drugs just brings me back there…

@Smashedhrt – ding ding ding! “Weak” and “asshole” seems to be the words most used by everyone on SI & my friends/family. I feel like I have “let go” to an extent, but I seem to can’t get past the questioning part. Sending love your way!! I’m hanging in with you.

Update: I think I am stuck. Granted I feel like I’ve made a ton of progress, I now feel like I’ve hit a wall. I still talk about the situation and what he has done in some way shape or form every day and even I’m sick of myself. I finally told my pregnant coworker about what was going on and she of course was very sad for me and offered support and to help fill in where I may fall short. I found myself starting to divulge some of the details and quickly nipped it in the bud as I could go on and on and on about how shitty he has been and how devastated I am.

I’m starting to do this weird thing now where I abruptly wake up at like 3 or 4am and it consumes my mind heavily. It’s been happening the past week or so and I don’t know what to make of it. It’s almost like my mind/body is still trying to process it. I messed up my gold streak and cried last night. My husband’s mother sent me an innocent “good morning have a good day I’m thinking of you” text and I wonder if that secretly triggered me. I must admit my heart stopped for a split second when I saw her name pop up…

I’m sad... It just didn’t have to be this way.

Update: I think I am stuck. Granted I feel like I’ve made a ton of progress, I now feel like I’ve hit a wall. I still talk about the situation and what he has done in some way shape or form every day and even I’m sick of myself. I finally told my pregnant coworker about what was going on and she of course was very sad for me and offered support and to help fill in where I may fall short. I found myself starting to divulge some of the details and quickly nipped it in the bud as I could go on and on and on about how shitty he has been and how devastated I am.

I’m starting to do this weird thing now where I abruptly wake up at like 3 or 4am and it consumes my mind heavily. It’s been happening the past week or so and I don’t know what to make of it. It’s almost like my mind/body is still trying to process it. I messed up my gold streak and cried last night. My husband’s mother sent me an innocent “good morning have a good day I’m thinking of you” text and I wonder if that secretly triggered me. I must admit my heart stopped for a split second when I saw her name pop up…

This is all part of that lovely thing we call the rollercoaster. It's normal to vacillate between anger, sadness, despair, denial, etc.

The longer you stay NC with your STBX, the more you will heal in time. You can't turn off your feelings like a light switch because you're not evil.

Be gentle with yourself; don't be ashamed because you have feelings...just let them out here as you have been - to people who understand.

Hugs...