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Brokenbride, this is no joke. I went through 7 therapists to find the right one. They told me I was imagining things, I was Bipolar, everyone looks and flirts, get over it because it's in the past. Two therapists were doctors and were so messed up in the head that I was helping them solve their life issues! It was crazy! They're people too, you know. We all have problems. And at this point, my WH was still doing all the horrible things that I was trying to get away from!

We actually liked the 7th therapist because my WH respected and felt comfortable with him. I was able to call my WH out over and over again to get to the truth of all the lies and denial he was in.

A couple of the therapists suggested I get on an antidepressant but I didn't trust them enough to do it. I was scared. Other therapists told me I didn't need it. I was fine with that answer because I didn't want to admit I had to take antidepressants to feel better and to calm my mind. But with the most recent therapist, I did agree to antidepressants because I realized I needed them.

Sometimes PTSD is progressive. It can damage the brain if left untreated.

You may want to consider an antidepressant for a period of time, until you get past all of this trama your asshole WH inflicted upon you. I've been on it for almost a year now. It's a very low dose but it saved my sanity and possibly my life! No joke! I was in a very, very dark place. But today, cross me and see what happens!

Please consider taking an antidepressant. Not sure where I would have ended up if I didn't do something...

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 5:09 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

@Hurtmyheart - it definitely sounds like so much work...I’m thinking of exploring another therapist. I feel like I could be getting more coping mechanisms from my current one, but then again I tend to take up most of the session blabbing and word vomiting all the scenarios and hypothetical situations in my head. It’s such a trauma...but it feels like because cheating is so prevalent, sometime ppl don’t get how traumatic is all is.

——/—/-/——

STBXMIL (is this a thing? soon to be x mother in law) reaches out again to see how I’m doing, tell me the update on her job (small talk) and also mentioned my STBXWH finally came by to see her after a month (he lives just 25-30 min away). Apparently his visits have slowed since I’m no longer going with. Smh. Probably too busy fucking around with the OW on the weekends anyway. He asked her if she has talked to me. She said no. I guess I wonder why he would ask that when he clearly told her NOT to talk to me since we are getting divorced...if she had of said yes, he have thrown a fit. She asked him why and he simply said “no reason” and then that was the end of the convo.

I started to jot down things I would want to say should the opportunity ever present itself (and I act on it) to talk to him. Little one liners and thoughts here and there...brought the tears of course.

It feels awful not being missed. It feels awful that someone you loved enough to give a kidney to if they needed it thinks your replaceable.

I also think I found a picture of her and her baby daddy (from like 4 years ago - I should be a PI ) funny enough he is more good looking than my STBXWH sometimes I wish in my email to her I would’ve said I’d call him up and see if he wants to be with me instead and have my babies...jk jk. I don’t even know his name and that revenge boat is over...if they aren’t together, he likely doesn’t give a F anyway

I'd highly recommend not giving him a piece of your mind and just cutting him out. It kills you, too, but having had some time away from all of the emotional bullshit and operating with almost total clarity again, it doesn't seem like there's any satisfying outcome. You tell him off and either A) he doesn't give a shit and you feel even more disappointed, B) he shows remorse but it doesn't matter because you can't even trust that it's real, or, even worse, C) he snaps out of it and wants to make it work again--and you now know exactly the kind of piece of shit he is but are still too emotional to say no, on some level.

Look, I'm not out of the woods completely, but I've just had a really solid month of feeling great on my own, happy in my solitude, and feeling victorious with how my life's going. Once you crawl through the Shawshank Prison sewage pipes, it's all cleansing rain over here on the other side of the fence. Keeping in touch with him or with people who remind you of him or giving yourself permission to check up on him--those are all hands pulling you back toward the prison, away from the cleansing rain. This thing isn't a sprint, it's a marathon, and to finish those 26 miles you've gotta clear the road of all obstacles.

Does it suck? Fuckin A right it sucks. I hate that it came to this. I hate how SHE'S the one who ghosted my ass--even though I did tell her the last time we saw each other, in mid-October, to never call me again. Who knows if she ever did feel bad about any of this, but all I know is that in the 6 weeks after the affair, she was a cold-hearted, entitled, vindictive bitch, and, without new evidence, I can only base what I feel she's doing now on historical precedent. And everything in me says that that asshead is living her best life without me, not a care in the world, nightly deep-dicking from Grizzly Adams and his old balls, about to be flush with cash when she eventually sells our house, and feeling super full of herself in her brand new disgusting anorexic body.

So what does that mean for me? For all of us? That means we have to live our own best selves. We can't compare our new lives to their new lives, or our new lives to our OLD lives, because none of that shit matters. It's so natural to do so, of course, which is why we must put our own checks in places to stop these regressive thought processes. Once we're out of the emotional drain pipe of shit, and we've made it to the cleansing rain, it really doesn't matter what the other person is doing or what you've lost in all of this. The only path which matters is that which is right in front of you.

Brokenbride, you could talk to your therapist about your expectations - more coping mechanisms. However, there is talk therapy and just vomiting it all out can be beneficial. It gets it off your back (for a little while, at least). I went through the same thing. My therapist would listen and quite often take notes. She would also take things I blabbed out and take me back to it to get deeper into it. I've had lots of hours of therapy now and it seems like her methodology works. Just an opinion.

Hi BB,

Still following along. You're doing well. I recognize myself in you with all of the analyzing and over-talking with friends and family to the point of feeling like a burden and annoyance lol.

I think just having a therapist to vent to is probably what you need right now. Once they start talking about how to cope, you realize you already know how to do that - to get exercise, sleep, socialize, meditate, practice breathing etc. So then you feel like it's a waste of time and money to spend your sessions going over that. I'm not saying everyone knows how to cope, but I think that YOU know how to cope. You have not reached the part where you're done venting and analyzing. When you get there you will probably feel like you don't need therapy anymore.

If you want to get to the point where you don't feel like talking about your ex all of the time, you may find that a new purpose and focus to get obsessed about is the best thing. Take a class that is enjoyable, something you've always wanted to do but that doesn't feel like work. Or join a new club - like a rowing club. Wrong season, but you get the idea. Or get a pet you can snuggle with and give your love to if your parents will allow it. Or go on a tour in another country that has a lot of action to keep you busy - like biking in Spain with other singles. Do things that make you feel alive and revel in the fact that you did these things on your own and they will help you grow and be better than you were while you were with your ex.

I just say keep talking about it until you're done talking about it. Who cares what anyone else thinks, if and when you should be over it.

You get to decide when you've had enough.

In the meantime, find your inner strength.

@AbandonedGuy - you’re so right...I know it. I feel like when I was trying to communicate before everything, it was a lost cause anyway. It’s infuriating and hurtful trying to get through to someone when they a dedicated to letting it go in one ear and out the other. “Shawshank prison sewage” couldn’t be more accurate :( I imagine my contact with the STBXMIL will dwindle over time...but I feel bad cutting her off or telling her not to contact me. I’ll never understand how they can go from loving spouse we saw forever with to this....mean, careless, heartless, selfish, etc. etc. Trying hard not to compare but I swear every time I see flowers I think of him wooing her this Valentine’s Day....I need to get better at stopping the hypothetical scenarios and mind movies...it’s almost like just Incase they happen, I can tell myself “I told you so” to somehow avoid more pain and shock.

@steadychevy - I think I may need to...or find one that specializes in divorce. I don’t know. I definitely like being able to vent and say all the things I don’t want to bother family and friends with, but I guess now I’m looking for more since the crazy updates have stopped (currently in NC)

@strawberrypie - thank you for following my crazy situation and random updates. Analyzing and over-talking are my middle names right now. I’m currently seeing a therapist and feel good after being able to vent. Then it’s like I think of more stuff or feel the need to repeat myself out of shock sometimes. One of my character flaws is I’m super analytical all the time (in my mind). My sister pointed out that I’m always trying to find the logic in everything and sometimes there is none. As you can imagine this has been extremely difficult to “accept” given how I am. Lately I’ve been obsessing over trying new beauty products and a little bit of the gym. I also just started planning my first international solo trip. Will I ever get the courage to actually go? Who knows... But it’s helped at least temporarily.

@Hurtmyheart - I don't know why I feel a little embarrassed sometimes that it still hurts me to the point where I just crash. And when i say crash, I mean back in the dumps where I felt like I'd be fine if I just died tomorrow. Some days I don't think that way at all, then others it feels like the best option. Not saying I would actually hurt myself, but I guess lacking in the "will to live" category. Working on not caring and letting the emotions just come vs. trying to suppress them.

——————-

I cried in my car today with Sam Smith - I’m not the only one playing on repeat. I think seeing all the flower bouquets being prepared for Vday triggered me (I have to pass a shop on the way to work). My little niece was at the house when I got home and she goes “tee tee, you’re wearing makeup”. I definitely did not have on makeup so I went back and forth for a few seconds with her. I went to the bathroom and found little pieces of white tissue from wiping my eyes after my hard car cry session stuck to my eye lids sorta like makeup. Made me laugh to myself a little. I’ve been trying to cry in solitude when I can to avoid upsetting my family (triggers them). So much for being incognito. :::Sighs:::

Holy cow, AbandonedGuy! Your post above needs to be embroidered on a large quilt in gold thread and shipped to SI members to hang on their wall or wrap themselves in.

BB, when you see those bouquets and other nonsense tomorrow, I give you permission to be cynical. My WH gave me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day 2017. D-day was two days later when I found used condoms in our bathroom trashcan and discovered he was porking a friend of mine in my bed while I was out of town saying goodbye to my dying father. It takes almost nothing to buy someone flowers, just a little $$. Doesn't mean anything, and sometimes is a cover for how completely messed up the relationship is.

Update:

- Still in therapy (going less frequently than initially). Got lots of work to do of course...

- Less stalking on social media (learning to control the urge to pain shop)

- Investing more in self love/self care (signed up for this Self Love coaching, listening to sermons on YouTube during the work day, booked a facial for next week, saving money, cooking more, gym consistently, up’d my beauty routine and water intake, etc.)

- The SNAKE (yea that guy) “waved” at me on FB again last night AND called me at 6:30am this morning TWICE from his office number (which I know now because he tried to trick me into answering it before). No voicemail or text...WTF!?

- Girl friend and her husband still continue to believe this is something we can get through...her husband reached out to my STBXWH again (they had a relationship thru me & feels sorry for him - he told her not to tell me, but duhhhh lol) Don’t know full context of message but it was along the lines of I’m here for u...need ppl to talk to/lean on sometimes..no love lost...blah blah blah. Basically more gentle than I feel he deserves. But again, he is on the side of pity and I’m not. To everyone’s surprise he responded...don’t know the full context of the response but I’m sure it was some bullshit

Between his responsiveness to the friend, the Snake stalking me again, I have a small theory he is starting to feel regret...perhaps the “fog” is lifting, but is too immature and embarrassed to admit it and face it because EVERYONE knows how awful of a person he has. Then again, I could be completely wrong and he might have a fuck session planned with the OW tonight (((shoulder shrug)))

OR, maybe the Snake was stalking because the job found out and he got fired...sweet karma daydreams..

Glad to see your update, BB, and glad you're still working on self-care. It's so important!

I think it's awesome that you have friends who are so invested in you, as they were invested in your marriage and general happiness, but as this plays out I think you need to think about how much you want to be kept in the loop on what your friend's H is saying to your WH (if anything). At some point, in order to accept the situation and heal, you'll have to detach - and it's really hard to do that when you have friends that keep bringing you back into the middle of it (even if they're 100% good-intentioned).

I'm really weirded out by this Snake guy. What the heck is going on there? I can't remember, I'm sorry - have you told him to leave you alone? Because him contacting you is just more of what I was saying above, except probably with less benevolent intent. You can't put this behind you if people keep trying to drag you back in.

I'd say try to let go of your WH's mindset or motivations, but that takes a long time to do and you're still pretty fresh off of your D-Day. Just remember that what he does isn't on you, and you don't have to make that one of your worries on top of everything else.

Glad you feel better!

@bb

I have read your story as recommended by another poster. Your story has similarities to mine. The short story is that my WW left me after a “perfect marriage” and we were constantly called “marriage goals,” just like you were. She cheated on me and left me for her abusive ex, just over three weeks ago. Link to story: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=635815

I’ve done all the right actions: never begged, NC unless necessary for business, disconnected finances, the works.

Yet I still feel so empty inside. I love her so much, I gave it my everything. I know she has to be the one to come around and try to initiate R and to put in a crap ton of work.

I just wish there was something I could do to push thIs unlikely event into being likely, and starting soon. I digress.

—

It has bene nice reading your updates. I too have been keeping healthy, fit, attractive (increasing as possible).

Please keep us updated and talk to us if you have anything on your mind. We are all a big team here to help each other get past the ordeal that no one else understands unless they’ve been through it.

@beauchateaux - thank you I sure am trying! I agree...there’s a part of me that wants to tell her that if her husband decides to try to talk to him again, don’t tell me about it...there’s also a part of me that wants her to tell him do NOT reach back out to him and to please cut him off. She/they have good intentions, but the damage has been done and he doesn’t deserve their friendship.

This Snake drives me nuts!! This is his “best friend”/coworker who reached out to me via FB In Nov because he was “concerned” about my husband. That turned into him breaking “man code” and feeding me information about his whereabouts, stuff he has told him in confidence and pretty much hammering in the nail to the coffin. I cut him off before the New Year (bc I realized I was pain shopping and he made flirtatious passes at me - btw he is also married with 2 kids). He has been trying to contact me (FB messenger “wave”, called from his cell, texted asking me to call him because it’s “important” then texting saying “oh am I the enemy now?”, calling from his office number 2x @ 6:30am yesterday and waving again on FB). Although I wasn’t super direct in cutting him off (I said to him I’m not associating with my husband or any of his friends because everyone is the devil), I can’t see how he would think he is the exception to that rule after about 7+ ignored contact attempts.

@Hold2win - just read your thread & commented. Thank you for the support! I’ll probably be blabbing here still bc I’m beginning to feel like I’m exhausting my family/friends. They are all in hatred (fuck him) mode but I’m still plagued with sadness about things most of the time.

——————————

Random thoughts Thursday:

- The Snake contacting me is like a delayed trigger. I start to spiral and hypothesize WHY he is contacting me...are things over or rocky with the OW and he thinks I want to know? Is my STBXWH solid in his new relationship with the OW so he wants to remain in contact to shoot his shot? Is my STBXWH depressed, remorseful and regretful and he wants to tell me & play middleman and try to get me to reach out to him? Or is he just trying to see where my head is at and if I might expose him (screen shots saved of course)? It goes on and on.

- Aside from the shitty text on my birthday last month, my STBXWH has not reached out to me (no text, call, email, letter, etc.) While on one hand it’s been helpful for me and the healing process, I can’t help but be hurt that he hasn’t. Says to me he is so set in his fuckery and the OW that he hasn’t thought twice about me. Just another twist of the knife.

- I went to lunch with coworkers today (all married or with a significant other). Once they all started talking about their spouses and relating on that level, I felt so awkward. From one being pregnant, another closing on their first home next week, I had nothing to contribute - no progression in my life except I don’t pray for death anymore and eat on a mostly normal basis now. I found myself smiling & laughing too hard at stuff and asking a ton of questions to fill any gaps/dead space out of fear someone would ask about my STBXWH who at this point, I obviously haven’t talked about (they don’t know - except one).

- I had a dream/nightmare last night that my STBXWH, family & I were at a carnival. We were working on our marriage and starting to do things together again. He was wearing his ring but I wasn’t. He goes to an ATM and there’s a long line. My dad goes “forget it let’s leave him. He doesn’t love you anyway.” Then it jumps to us leaving walking to the parking lot and my family is slowly starting to walk one way (towards their car) then my STBXWH a different way. I remember feeling confused about which way to go or who to get in the car with. Then I woke up. So weird. This put me in a mood today :(

Oh yes, this is pretty clear.

A car is usually a path or way through life. You are looking at where your life is going, who you will be going on our journey with. Everything is in transition and your dreaming mind is feeling the confusion.

If you dream this again, pay attention to which car seemed the best to you. Sometimes the condition of he car can be a good insight.

It stuck with you because it's important. Tell yourself your goals will still be met. Maybe not in the way you thought but you will still reach them.

- The Snake contacting me is like a delayed trigger. I start to spiral and hypothesize WHY he is contacting me...are things over or rocky with the OW and he thinks I want to know?

More than likely this would be a back and forth thing. Where he tells you they had a fight and called it quits and then "made-up" a few days later... then another call to say it's really over and..." you don't need the rollercoster of updates even if they are "good" ones.

Is my STBXWH solid in his new relationship with the OW so he wants to remain in contact to shoot his shot?

you defiantly don't want this sort of update.

Is my STBXWH depressed, remorseful and regretful and he wants to tell me & play middleman and try to get me to reach out to him?

If he were that depressed you would be hearing it from your MIL and others. If this were the case your WH would be fishing for an easy (you do all the work) fix.

Or is he just trying to see where my head is at and if I might expose him (screen shots saved of course)?

I would think he would go with less contact and badmouthing you to his wife if this were his fear. It could also be a conquest thing... Wants the one thing he can't have. The truth is that he could easily text you what's going on in his head but he wants to talk (fish) for (emotional reactions) from you that you can't get from an email or text.

You could have answered all of these thoughts on your own the same way. There is no good reason for the Snake to contact you and his contact is sending you down the rabbit hole. The best plan would be to block his number so you can better detach.

I had a thought about why "the snake" contacted you - he probably thought he had a chance to swoop in and get with you now that your separated. Some guys (and girls) will do that - with no thought of the "bro code".

You are a catch, "the snake" knows this and figures since WH is out of the picture, he'd try to weasel his way into your good graces.

Thankfully, you cut off contact to him. (this is just a thought though - I could be wrong)

Hope you can fully get over this betrayal soon and have a happy mind. In few months or years you may witness the self destruction the lust caused to your exH.

“The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed.” Dhammapada.

The rule of nature is impermanence. Never get attached to anything or anyone so strong that the loss of which one cannot bear.

Counseling is great but the ultimate happiness and contentment should come from within you.

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” Dhammapada

@pureheartkit - interesting interpretation. I’ve had a total of 4 vivid nightmares in February. I try to recap what I remember when I wake up to look up things later.

@Freeme - you’re right...and that was something he would do before I cut him off. They were all short lived. I think you’re also right about going less contact if he was fearful of exposure.

@MamaDragon - that is part of what happened...he would say little things to come on to me...like how beautiful & intelligent I am...he just doesn’t understand why my STBXWH would give up so much for so little...etc.etc. He actually trying to shoot his shot little blows my mind though. I don’t see how on Gods green earth he would think for a millisecond he would have a chance with his “best friends” wife, while married with 2 kids, and being a mole...

@goalong - great quotes! “Never get attached to anything or anyone so strong that the loss of which one cannot bear.” >>> my therapist mentioned something similar...in getting me while enough to not be so devastated and hurt to this magnitude again.

——————

I re-read our last email exchange (from a few days after Christmas)...I’m proud to say even now, I wouldn’t have changed a thing about what I said...still 100% proud of my response. I’m so glad that I was able to rebuttal with that much clarity given the emotions I felt were overwhelming at the time. I ripped him a new one, but getting through to him clearly was like trying to mix water & oil. It’s maddening. I was married to a man with an emotional intelligence age of 10. I still hate the OW (working on it). Some days this ordeal consumes me and others I’m able to function like nothing happened.

I’m still struggling with the fact that someone I loved unconditionally would treat me so poorly and then try to justify it. Some days I feel motivated (gym, Water, self care), then some days I eat once or twice and lay in bed 70% of the day. The difference in emotions sometimes makes me feel crazy!

Latest nightmare...the OW found SI, read all my posts and started to respond to them with “her side”. I remember in my dream being terrified that she was able to see that much vulnerability and rawness bc that’s not at all how I came off in my emails to her (more calm cool collected...no swearing, etc)

Here's my $.02:

If you want to hear what the Snake has to say, talk to him. Yep, he's weird and a drama queen, but if he has info you need or want, then let him tell you. Many of us wished we had insight into our ex's head during the break up. I don't really see the point of denying yourself unless it is hurting you (it seems like not hearing it is hurting you more now). If you want him to stop, then tell him why...reaffirm that he isn't the enemy (your X is) but that hearing from him opens up old wounds. And then block him via email, phone, etc. That's the part you are missing now and the reason why he is still causing you pain. You need to mute him from your life so you're not always mentally dragged back into thinking about your ex.

I have a strong feeling your ex will want you back, but it could be a long time from now. One of my friends is a lot like you, a very good and pure soul who put everything into her M. Her H left her for a coworker while she was pregnant. They got a D, and he married the OW. My friend was devastated, but after 6 months or so, she started to get over the initial devastation.

She kept in mininal contact with her ex due to their children, but she grew and became more independent. Her ex and his new W had 3 kids (a singleton and a set of twins) over the next several years, and my friend could tell that he was starting to realize that life with the new woman was no better than it had been with her. In fact, it was way worse. But man, he was a stubborn guy, and he hated the idea of admitting to himself what a mistake he had made. Finally, about 7 years after he left my friend, her ex divorced the OW. It wasn't long until he came back to my friend and admitted that he had never gotten her out of his heart.

He had done some soul searching over the years and realized that her goodness and kindness made him feel like crap because he wasn't being good or kind. He wasn't living up to the expectation that he, his family, or his church had set for him, so it was easier to find somebody who made him feel like the savior instead of who made him aware of his flawed integrity (my friend did this only by her own existence...she didn't point it out to him).

They decided to date again, and they were remarried about 5 years ago. Of course, I am reserved about believing he has really changed, but so far, he does seem to be trying much harder to be a good husband to her. I personally don't think I would have taken him back due to trust issues, but the point is, for some people, it takes a LONG TIME to come to terms with their bad behavior and their own role in the failure of the marriage. I think you can be reasonably assured that he will figure it out, and he will regret his choices. What made your R fall apart was him, you did your best, and he will certainly realize that in time. All you can do is work on healing and growing after the initial shock wears off to be the best person you can be.

Also, don't worry if getting mad makes you want to do vengeful things. I think anger affects everybody like this. It sure did do that to me! I had fun imagining elaborate ways to get revenge against them both. Imagining was a way to feel like in some alternate world, I did have the power finally. You can imagine without following through. There is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to do mean, hurtful things to them. It is a natural response and it means you are tapping into the anger that will help you heal. Just don't act on those feelings if you feel that is dangerous, illegal, or below you.

Hope this week is better for you!

In the wee hours of the morning, I decided to reactivate FB just to peek at what’s been going on with friends. Bad idea.

My STBXWH posted a picture from a company event that he helped organized gushing about how “proud” he is of all the hard work the team put in, yadda, yadda, yadda. There he is again, loving and idolizing his job and those extracurricular activities.

Then BOOM.

Someone else who was at the event posted pictures from it that showed up on my timeline. I click them of course.Guess what I see? A picture of the COW & my STBXWH on stage after the event taking pics. No ring on (which confirms he isn’t putting up a mask for coworkers anymore). She was one of the “performers” for the event. I just knew she was there.

My blood is BOILING. Guess he just really said fuck me and is out in the open with her now. I'm officially off Hopium. I had been praying for truth, clarity & discernment.

Exit sadness stage left > enter RAGE

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 2:48 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)]

I guess sometimes you need a confirmation to figure out what to do, brokenbride. Hopium is addictive. Then there's the ups and downs and second guessing. It goes on for a while. For me, a long while.

I also know about rage. And anger. These are protective emotions. The issue is if you get stuck in them. They are part of the grieving cycle and are protective. I believe they will slowly fade for you as they did for me. I still have moments of slight anger or maybe irritation. I don't think my anger started to really go down until I started IC with my current psychologist.

This has been a traumatic attack on your emotional health. You will feel the anger. It's part of the healing process. Use it for your benefit but don't let it control you. Use it to be strong and determined and focused.

Unfortunately, Brokenbride, there's still a long way to go. Stay with us. We're here for you.