SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He acted as if you had no rights. Please stop thinking that way by trying to find reasons. You have every right to have opinions.

The truth is that you can't live your life trying to avoid any complications for fear that your spouse will leave you. Marriage is meant to be a partnership - two people supporting each other through the tough times, not one person trying to be perfect so that the other one stays.

He was always going to do this. If you'd had those kids in your 20s, all that would be different right now is that you'd be dealing with this crap while also trying to be a mother. AND by virtue of that, you'd be stuck with him for life in one way or another.

Be thankful for that, at least - right now, you are free to make a clean break, put him behind you and start fresh. I know it doesn't seem like a blessing right now, but one day, you'll see that it really, really is. Hang in there.

You keep letting his “reasons for his unhappiness” control your thoughts

Why are you letting this loser still take up your thoughts?

He is not your soulmate. He is not your friend. He is no longer the “man” you married.

He has changed to a person you no longer recognize - he’s selfish, he’s a liar and cheater. He’s a coward. He has treated you with disrespect and disregard.

Please stop putting this guy on a pedestal.

He only told you things to rewrite the marriage and provide ANY reason or justification to have an affair and blame you.

Please do not think I if you had a family this would have turned out any differently. It would have turned out the same Except he would have left you and any children you had.

Your MIL has every right to feel the way she does. She does not have to get over it. She does not have to accept anything. Why?? Because what your WH has done is wrong. And yes, it is his life but for the family to tell the mother to allow him to live his life the way he wants tells me right there that their thinking is way off. How can anyone in their right mind even begin to want to support that type of behavior your WH displayed and is currently displaying? Justice will be done.

I also feel that your mother is right on with her emotions also. When you commented on the difficulties your mother is having and angry she gets when the topic comes up, I totally got it. I think all of you were fooled by your WH. I don't blame anyone in your family for being upset as they are. They were part of the relationship also, family. It is a family devastation.

My thoughts still go back to the fixing part. You chose someone to fix. Someone who was already broken the day you met him. Even if you were able to fix him, he still had his underlying issues that were never addressed. He still has the same issues, still not addressed. He put no thought into his actions, as if they were normal. It seems his family thinks that this is normal acceptable behavior also.

I am very familiar with fixing and honestly I don't feel the outcome of fixing is ever good, unless that person who needs fixing (WH) chooses to acknowledge that there is a problem and does his own work.

This is why I keep bringing the same question up about your FOO. What happened in your past that caused you to choose someone who needed fixing? This, to me, needs to be addressed by you so that you do not do a repeat in your future relationship. Start trying to recognize the behaviors in others that may attract you to them, positive and negitive. My suggestion also is to look into your past family history and family dynamics to see if you find any negitive behavioral patterns. I'm serious. History does have a way of repeating itself if the work isn't done to repair.

Are you still in counseling? Have you joined a divorce support group? What about a 12 step program?

The 12 step program helped me to overcome a lot sooner than winging it by myself. You also might want to consider an antidepressant. It was one of the best decisions I have made, taking a low dose antidepressant.

I stumbled upon an interesting article about runaway husbands and thought about your story right away. The author went through the same devastation and researched the topic thoroughly, including contacting women in the same situations.

I have not read the book myself but the article has provided the summary of the main ideas and I believe it might be helpful to you.

If interested, the title is"Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal] [By: Stark, Vikki]".

I wonder if the same wouldn't apply to runaway wives. I have called my WW Runaway (her name) before her LTA.

ETA: Could be a symptom of the avoidant attachment type.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 1:50 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

I’m doing….....

good

Those words are so crazy to even "say". I think I’ve finally graduated from doing just okay to doing “good” (at least for now). I think a big proponent is not looking him up on social media or trying to see what images he is liking, pictures he is in with her, etc. It’s been incredibly hard, especially late at night just before bed, but I haven’t looked in a while. Every time I get the urge, I randomly search stuff on the internet (horoscopes, beauty products, online shop, etc.). I still cringe a little with Mother’s Day approaching and the thought crosses my mind that he will be showering her with gifts...but overall I’m proud my progress and just wanted to share!

My social calendar is slightly picking up (I attribute this to the weather getting nicer where I’m from). I went to a concert and a happy hour with a girlfriend and was so glad I did. We drank and laughed until our stomachs hurt. And a nice man even approached me…we chatted and ***drum roll please*** I gave him my number!! He texted me the following day and we’ve been making small talk via text ever since. He finally asked me to happy hour this week and I was glad I went! I can honestly say he isn’t “my usual type”, but a gentleman, funny and very established in areas I’ve always wanted to learn more about. The craziest part? My divorce didn’t come up once. I was so nervous and was practicing how I’d answer any relationship status questions and just feared being judged… but we talked about so many other “getting to know you” types of things that a window of opportunity never happened. When I told one of my best girlfriends, she reiterated to me how I’m “so much more than my divorce”. That stuck with me, coupled with the fact that the happy hour forced me to analyze myself. I honestly struggled talking about my hobbies and interests a little because in that moment I truly realized how so much of my life had been wrapped up in my STBXWH. It was the slight boost I needed to work harder to discover and/or recreate myself again so when someone asks me what I like to do, I’m ready for it. Net, this is in no way a premature love connection, but it felt good to know someone took interest in me and good practice for me. Also helps occupy my thoughts/time…

The strangest thing has been happening to me over the past 2 weeks…I know this happens all the time, but because it rarely happens to me and I noticed the frequency, so I had to share. In the past two weeks I’ve caught the clock @ 1:11 -4x, 4:44 – 4x, 11:11 – 5x, 10:10 – 2x and 12:12. I looked it up and apparently there referred to as angel numbers and represent different things. The biggest is confirmation from the universe that I am on the right path. 11:11 is connected to fresh starts, new beginnings, independence and ambition. 4:44 suggests that the universe wants you to know everything is going to be okay and to keep persevering and lot of other positive messages from my guardian angels. This could all be just a big load of happenstance, but it’s been making me feel better and encouraged so I’ll take it!

I can’t believe I’ve made it this far…I still have nightmares about my STBXWH and the OW every once in a while, but at least the awful feeling it brings doesn’t take up my whole day anymore. I successfully planned and executed my coworkers baby shower and actually enjoyed it. Could I be venturing into “acceptance” finally? Guess time will tell. Dare I say every now and then I feel a sense of excitement that I’ve been given a second chance to fall in love with someone who will want to treat me right and truly love me forever. I just pray that he’s out there…

Lastly, I’m afraid that once the divorce gets “up and running”, I’ll come crashing down again…Still haven’t exchanged financials. I just never, ever want to be as low as I was before…The snake has NOT gone away and actually tried to call me through FB AND sent me a prank video saying he hopes it make me laugh.. SMH

Brokenbride,

I've been following your story since the beginning as a lot of it resonates with me. I'm 30 and leaving a 13 year relationship without a lot of my unique identity intact. I just wanted to say I'm so happy for you that you've reached this new stage! This is definitely a rollercoaster and the ups and downs will continue to come, but you have handled this whole thing with grace and dignity - I applaud you! So glad you got out and started showing the world who you are again. Excited to hear what's to come for you!

I’m “so much more than my divorce”. That stuck with me, coupled with the fact that the happy hour forced me to analyze myself. I honestly struggled talking about my hobbies and interests a little because in that moment I truly realized how so much of my life had been wrapped up in my STBXWH.

It is a learning opportunity. Try to embrace that part of it. Because some of this journey, as well as being painful, is also interesting. And a journey to you.

It would be good to work out why perfection mattered to you, for example. In my view, there’s nothing very interesting about perfection, it’s very bland and boring. Imperfection is far more real and interesting. Sounds like maintaining that idea of perfection with XWH cost you quite a lot. Have you done any reading on co-dependency?

We can always take a quiet minute to ask for help, for a loved one or for inspiration and courage along the way. Find some inspirational people and read their tweets. I like it better than fortunes. I know how it feels though, you are looking for any good news some days. No one's life goes without struggle. Those that experienced pain can have deep compassion. You are far more than you know and as long as you keep your heart open, goodness will come in. I met a truly kind, gentle and educated older man yesterday. He was a volunteer in an arboretum. We talked at least an hour about life, art, nature, science. You never know who you may meet. Be yourself and that's enough.

@WhatElseToDo – Thank you for following my journey! It’s all been nothing short of a roller coaster and there are definitely days where I’m uncertain about life, but overall, I’m just happy that I have a little “excitement” for the possibilities running through my veins now. The sheer thought of ever smiling again after D-Day literally seemed impossible. I would’ve bet money that pigs would fly first. I don’t know where you are in your journey, but please hang in there. Everyone kept saying it will get better one day and they’re right!

@Edie – I should look into that more…someone a while back mentioned codependency. When I briefly looked into it, a lot of it felt very un-relatable. I don’t think we were actually perfect by any means, but I did try hard not to compare our marriage to others to avoid letting other relationship dynamics cloud my thoughts and make me envious.

@pureheartkit – Now that I’m officially back on social media, I’ve been doing just that (mostly on IG). Saving quotes to re-read when I feel like I’m hitting a drop on the rollercoaster. I’m trying hard to keep my heart open and be optimistic. This just can’t be the end of my love story.

Admittedly, I’ve been feeling the sadness pull on me a bit with Mother’s Day approaching. It crossed my mind a few times how my STBXWH is probably showering the OW with gifts. During our early days, he was the type of person who would have flowers sent to my mom and sister on Mother’s Day and some to me “just because” even though we didn’t have kids. Makes me sick a little to think she is now experiencing all of those Romeo-esque acts now.

I still struggle some days with the abandonment aspect the most. People cheat and they do all the time. Not trying to diminish the selfishness of that act and the irreversible damage it causes, but the fact that he filed for divorce to “live his life without the obligation of one person” (aka to date the OW), is still tough to accept. This is the man I truly thought I’d spend the rest of my life with…the man I’d give a kidney to if necessary. Now that the dust has cleared, that seems to still sting the most – the running from our marriage and no turning back (not a call, a text, a email, nothing). And that’s where the feelings of inadequacy come in. Still working on this. Going back in for another therapy session this weekend.

The Snake is back at it again of course – sent me a message on social media saying he “misses our friendship” and he “has information for me”. So much time has passed I don’t know what would even be important enough to share (aside from the OW being pregnant, which quite honestly would destroy me…now THAT I’m not emotionally or mentally ready to hear). He also said he’s been “nothing but respectful” and if I can at least tell him why I am ignoring him. You would think that I was communicating with this man for a whole year the way he is acting!! Not even a full 2 months of communication and he “misses our friendship”. Like WTF. Sounds to me like he just misses the misery I was in – they say misery loves company and clearly he isn’t happy. Overall, I feel like he is just trying to be manipulative now. My STBXWH is HIS friend – period – not mine. A close friend thinks he is obsessed…another thinks he is just lonely…I have not said a word to him in almost 5 months…you would like he would just let it go and say oh well!

I’ve been trying to focus on self-improvement and self-care. Every once in a while, I fantasize about my STBXWH catching a glimpse of the better, newer, improved version of me and feeling like someone punched him the gut. Trying hard now not to make this my primary motivator and to really make improvements for ME.

I’m a work in progress…

I find the Snake thing really weird too. At first I thought this was a plan between WH and Snake to discredit you. Snake would get evidence against you that you were "coming onto him" (email/text) and WH would use it if anyone questioned the divorce, or his relationship with OW.

It's been going on for so long without you adding any fuel. I would think the Snake would have given up being that he is married. Is there anyway your WH is "pretending" to be the Snake? Is he wanting a face to face meeting with you or is he happy with contact via email/text?

I know NC is best but I'd want to send WH a message along the lines of... "Please tell the Snake I am not interested in a relationship with a married man. He has stepped past what I consider appropriate friendship boundaries.

I thought ignoring him for the past few months would send a clear message about my moral character but it clearly has not. He is your best friend, please tell him to back off."

I would not reach out to your STBXH. Not for any reason.

Keep ignoring the snake. Eventually he will get the message. Block him in any way you can. That should put a stop to his attempts to reach you.

You are right - he is/was your STBXH’s friend. Not yours. You don’t know if he will report anything to the STBXH - don’t trust it.

You will slowly move away from caring about this someday. The snake is just an annoyance that will soon go away for good.

Everything about the Snake seems like a trap. Don’t engage with him or your ex. Why escalate an already uncomfortable situation?

Stay on course leaving these toxic people in your past. Things will get better without them.

Checking in.

Still on the rollercoaster...

I’m happy to report that most days I’m going okay, optimistic even, then there are days like the last few that bring me back to my sad reality & it hits me again.

I’m engulfed still in pregnancies, weddings/countdowns, proposals, anniversaries, etc.

A mutual friend’s husband wrote the most amazing post for their anniversary. Not the cheesy type you always see on social media, but very heartfelt. When I read it, it was like someone punched me in the gut. It literally took my breath away for a split second. We attended their wedding and I remember dancing, laughing and having fun like newlyweds at it. Here I am, trucking along day to day, self loving as best I can, healing and looking forward to summer, then BOOM. I immediately feel an incredible sense of sadness. The man who I would’ve chosen over and over again in this lifetime and the next, didn’t value or love me enough. It had been a while since I had to hold back tears at work.

On top of that, my coworker had her baby. My first and initial reaction was happiness and excitement for her. Then that same sadness took over. Immediately thoughts of my biological clock ticking and the pain and fear of “starting over”. Not knowing if being a mom will ever be in the cards for me...and how the one person I wanted to be with forever and start a family with, betrayed me in the worst way. It’s just a special kind of pain. Another friend of mine had her first baby shower and was absolutely beautiful. Her and her husband have been together about as long as me and my STBXWH. I couldn’t help but ask myself why do they get to live out the “fairytale” and not me. Nothing is perfect don’t get me wrong, but the trajectory of their marriage is going up and I’m stewing in heartbreak everyday because of the one person I trusted with my life - discarded me.

Also, that guy I went to happy hour with once tried to get me to come to his house to “cook dinner” for me - for our second time getting together. I was appalled. Appalled that he would think I’d feel comfortable enough going to his house when I barely know him. I’m no fool...I know exactly what that was about. What type of woman does he think I am?! Although I’m not interested in actually dating - just open to companionship, this just twisted the knife...made me feel incredibly sad that THAT is the type of bullshit out there waiting for me.

Then there’s the snake....he sent me a note 2 days ago saying my STBXWH’s “shit is falling apart”. No clue what this even means and as my sister says, I shouldn’t care. I truly hope his karma has started, but I’ll never know. He also pointlessly mentioned how he (being my ex) saw I went to a concert recently and said to him I looked nice. I was smokin hot that day (on purpose) so saying “nice” just annoyed me even more. As stupid as it sounds, it triggered thoughts of not being enough (even though I didn’t get dolled up for him if that makes sense).

I went from being one half of “couple goals” to watching everyone else’s relationships flourish around me.

I don’t want to disappoint my friends/family - so crying alone in my car has been the solve - because it feels like they have all already graduated from this and seem to get annoyed/angered by my sadness sometimes...

Sorry to ramble. Forgive the typos. Just aching right now. Mad at myself for getting to this point again. No one knows the answer. I can’t guess the answer...but God why me...

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 10:49 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Don’t let your feelings dictate your outlook. People who have not gone through infidelity think “poof you need to just move on.”

You cannot explain the devastation to your family. The impact this has on you. But you know that all of us here at SI certainly do.

You will survive this. We all do. But it won’t “go away” ever. It just seems to hurt less over time.

You express those feelings- people need to get it. Hugs to you - here at SI we all applaud your strength and commitment to getting out of infidelity. And you are winning.

I just read your recent post, Brokenbride. I feel so sad for you! I feel your pain as if it were my own!

I understand that others just want you to get over it. Impossible! Until someone goes through what you've gone through, they will never know this kind of pain. It cuts so deeply!

God has got you. He does. I don't know your answers but he does. Keep relying on him and he will see you through this.

You don't need to date right now. It isn't time. You are still healing and are still married until you aren't anymore. Use this time to heal your broken heart until your divorce is final. Keep your faithfulness and integrity until the divorce is behind you. I know that some don't understand this.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. My heart breaks for you.

Maybe one day, this dark period will be a distant memory and you will meet someone new that will fill this emptiness that is inside of you. I am hoping this for you.

Thinking back, I've been through extremely painful of breakups. It was horrible! But I did overcome and today I look back and realize someone or something was looking out for me and my best interests and all I can say is thank you that the relationship didn't go further than it already had because I know now that I would have been miserable.

I am glad that Snake told you that you WH and his mistress are not getting along🤣 So glad to hear this. Neither of them deserve any kind of happiness because of the horrible pain they caused to you. Besides, this is not a healthy way to start a new relationship.

I wish you the best, Brokenbride.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 1:24 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

It sounds to me like he is starting to regret all he's done but is too cowardly and ashamed to come to you like a man and own up to what a piece of crap he is. Instead, he's enlisted the snake to put out feelers to see if you might be receptive to his manipulation. I think maybe you should respond to the snake and say you've moved on with your life and if your WH has anything to say, he can say it to you himself, but you no longer want the snake contacting you. Has your STBX been cooperating on the divorce front, as in sending in documents, etc? If not, I think that is further evidence that he's having second thoughts. However, even if it's true that he's regretting things and all that, I still think you should forge ahead with the divorce and leave him behind you. He seems like a very fake person from what you've told me. Like he's all about himself, but does a good job pretending to be a genuine nice person. But really, he's just an empty suit, and the nice outer shell is hiding a rotten, deeply damaged core. Normal people just don't do what he did. There is something very wrong with him, and even if he came back to you on hands and knees begging, I don't think you should ever take him back.

I'm sorry your family is not being more supportive, but please know that they can't truly understand the trauma you're going through so I don't think they're intentionally being dismissive to you. This is all still very fresh, and it's normal for you to still be having bad days. You just have to keep it moving and know that eventually the bad days will be far fewer and you will be happy again. I'm sorry your date turned out to be a dud, but there are LOTS of good men out there who would give anything to have a woman like you in their lives. Don't lose hope. The light at the end of the tunnel will keep getting closer and closer.

Re: others who think you should be "over it".

These things and feelings run on your timeline only. Tune out the people who have a different timeline.

I equate this to being a time traveler. You could see your future, only you knew what it was going to look like and what would happen. Now that is yanked away from you and no one else knows except you what that alternate reality was. It's very hard for you to mesh that reality that you knew was going to happen with the current reality. It takes time.

Also, at 3+ years from D-day I'm in an excellent relationship and better than I was in my M. But I still resent like hell when people tell me that. "Oh but it all worked out because your life is so much better now." Right, thanks for pointing out that my previous life was shitty and I somehow deserved that walk through fire to get to this wonderful life? That's just my vent for the day - I'm gradually starting to accept that my life is truly better now, but those years weren't wasted because I gained in experience and my lovely DS.

Anyway, just know you are not the only one on the roller coaster and it can be a long ride. But life on the other side is joyous too and worth the effort.

I am one of those that thinks your STBXH has "snake" keeping tabs on you - and now that his shit is falling apart, he is trying to feel you out.

I'd tell snake that you didn't look fine, that you were DAMN FINE and your X is the one missing out. While you don't wish him any ill will, you really don't care what is going on with him outside of him providing the documents needed for the Divorce. Tell Snake that your X fired you as his wife and you are moving on, just like he wanted.

Or just Crickets. They both probably want to engage you and if you ignore them - it will drive them crazy. Although I have to admit, I would want to know what was falling apart so I can laugh.