SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For some men, affairs are deal-breakers. There are no second chances. It is as simple as that. There is no need to go through the IC/MC charade - best to forgive, leave and recover. Incorporating a healthy lifestyle, eating healthy, exercising and simple meditation and mindfulness practices will do wonders in bringing about fast healing without eating a shit sandwich for decades like OP has done so far.

For some women it’s a deal breaker too. I am 7 months divorced and still bitter about 2.5 year affair, countless lies and total lack of respect for me. I can’t change the past. He was remorseful.... on his hands and knees crying, but I cannot stay married to someone that would do that to me. No regrets about the divorce, but it’s still a work in progress. Eating healthy keeps the weight down, but doesn’t change the past. However I feel am still better off without him and the train wreck.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 12:49 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)]

I agree with Hardenmyheart, Clint you have nothing to feel ashamed about. You should be proud. You did what i believe any great parent would do, you put your kids first. They didnt ask to be born, we chose to have them and they deserve the best of us for that committment we made to them.

You have NOT wasted 13 years. You have gifted them to your kids. It is a widely accepted fact that kids are more secure, more stable, more resilient young adults when they come from a constant 2 parent household. Dont regret one second of it.

I, like you, have chosen to stay for the kids. I am fearful that i will eventually have a conclusion to this marriage but still hopeful as when i close my eyes i still see the same spouse. Our roles have changed and he has taken on tons and tons more responsibilities, i suppose as a penance, whereas i have the free time. This dynamic while not joyful is satisfactpry to me. We engage well with the kids and have tons of happy smiling vacation photos that i make individual scrapbooks for the kids, not to display anywhere id see. They will have a grand childhood. I will make sure of it, regardless of what the future holds, and i will hold every extra pound, every gray hair and wrinkle as my own reminder that theyre worth anything.

WAL!!!!! Good to see you still being as eloquent as ever...and also good to hear a familiar voice :)

Some of the posts I found to be rather insulting, and although I realize they were (probably) well intentioned...bite me. :)

I'm not going to be a bitter angry divorcee...trust me. The kids are almost accounted for, and financial status can now absorb the hit. It's gonna be bucket list time.

I just want to be with someone who hasn't done that to me. Plain and simple...and quite frankly I'll be happy being single until I find someone.

I have paid all the dues required of me and will soon proceed with alacrity. I realize my advice is not for everyone...but for some of you, deep down this might resonate and spare you some of the bullshit I went through.

Thanks to all who replied, and good luck to all.

I applaud you. You sure don’t sound like someone who needs IC to me. You sound like someone who knows what he wants now. That is awesome.

You did what you felt was right during the 13 years and you now know what you want for yourself. It may take some people fewer years and it may take others longer. Everyone gets to deal with this shit sandwich the way they need to and for as long as they need to.

We are here for support-if it’s those who have decided to judge and tell you that you are wrong.

Good on you and you are a good father considering your kids wellbeing. I am certain your kids will understand that you tried and it just wouldn’t work-it may take a little time but the will.

No judgement from me. It turns out it always was a deal breaker and you gave it your best for your families sake. There is no time limit for that decision.

M

[This message edited by deephurt at 8:32 PM, February 4th (Monday)]

Clint,

I read hopelessness and wishing you had made a different choice in your OP. I read regret over the very honorable choice you made 13 years ago. That's the stuff I was responding to.

As for the different choice, you know you can't change the past. I hate to see anyone waste energy trying to do that. Much better to use the energy to make one's life better now.

Hopelessness is a life-killer. In most cases, hope, a desire for change, and an ability to change are all within our grasp if only we reach out.

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you're looking forward to a life of joy. Just be aware your kids will probably need emotional support when you implement your plan.

If you had included your feelings about your future in your OP, my response would have been much different. Of course, doing so probably would have reduced the impact of your OP, so depending on your goal, maybe it was a good idea to have posted exactly what you did post.

I second this...

I applaud you. You sure don’t sound like someone who needs IC to me. You sound like someone who knows what he wants now. That is awesome.

Imyoubdidnehat you felt was right during the 13 years and you now know what you want for yourself. It may take some people fewer years and it may take others longer. Everyone gets to deal with this shit sandwich the way they need to and for as long as they need to.

We are here for support-if it’s those who have decided to judge and tell you that you are wrong.

Good on you and you are a good father considering your kids wellbeing. I am certain your kids will understand that you tried and it just wouldn’t work-it may take a little time but the will.

No judgement from me. It turns out it always was a deal breaker and you gave it your best for your families sake. There is no time limit for that decision.

M

[This message edited by NotTheManIwas at 11:57 AM, February 4th (Monday)]

I don't know if I have ever read of a remorseful WS doing the work and going to IC reconciling with a BS who is working on themselves and going to IC where it does not work out.

And if it exists, it is the rare exception--but at least both partners can say they did all they could.

If a spouse skips IC or doesn't really try, they can never proudly claim that they did all they could to save the M.

Are you insinuating that if the WS is remorseful and does the work but the BS does not do the work, the breakdown of the marriage is the BS's fault?

The BS should not have to do any work. They should not have to cope with cheating. The logical and just consequence of cheating is divorce. So I will not fault any BS who chooses not to work on the M.

...................

I know one thing. It (IC) definitely can't work if you don't ever try it.

Why should the OP try it? He doesn't sound dysfunctional. He just doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with a person who broke their marriage vows.

Why should the OP try it? He doesn't sound dysfunctional.

Your misunderstanding of the benefits of IC is unfortunate. You should try it.

Are you insinuating that if the WS is remorseful and does the work but the BS does not do the work, the breakdown of the marriage is the BS's fault?

I am insinuating that people who want to be happy or want to be happily married should try to do some work in IC before they jump ship. Why would anyone go through a divorce without getting some outside perspective?

People can do what they want. Why would I care? I simply find it shocking that people would rather go straight to a divorce, one of the most difficult things for a family to go through, instead of going to IC first. I know IC is intimidating and scary to a lot of people and they resist, but it's worth it. And sometimes, it saves marriages. A lot of those marriages have been talked about here.

I guess I am wondering, what is the harm in going for six months or so before filing for divorce? What is the down side?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:29 PM, February 4th (Monday)]

The BS should not have to do any work.

You could say the same thing about someone who was injured in a car crash they didn’t cause, but I guarantee you the one who does the hard physical therapy work will be better off and happier than the one who lays in bed bemoaning the unfairness of it all.

Clint,

I only tried for 2.5 years to R but I have a little different perspective. Instead of looking at the time as wasted, feel proud of yourself for doing what you thought was the right thing for your family and having the integrity to follow through with it.

You will always be able to look yourself in the mirror and know this. That is something a WS will never have.

I am separated 8 months and will D as soon as possible. I have no regrets that I tried to R.

I wish you all the best. You deserve it.

Wow. Some of the comments on this thread have been rather condescending. Snarky. Vicious.

So, IC is necessary for everyone? Well I feel really bad for those who have just arrived to this site, fresh from dday, but are struggling financially, and can't afford IC. I guess there's just no hope for those people.

So much shade thrown at a BS for staying,trying, but realizing years later that the affair was a dealbreaker. How dare he not have known that immediately.

Clint,you're a good man. You stayed. You tried. It isnt working. No shame in any of that. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Juts to be explicit, what follows is opinion, not fact:

Are you insinuating that if the WS is remorseful and does the work but the BS does not do the work, the breakdown of the marriage is the BS's fault?

The BS's best course of action is to choose what he wants, assuming what he wants is attainable.

An unremorseful WS can't R; D is the best outcome for a BS with an unremorseful WS, all other things being equal.

A remorseful WS is a good candidate for R - but that by no means implies that the BS should R. It just makes R possible.

The purpose of doing the work for the BS is to make his life what he wants his life to be, irrespective of what he does with his M. A BS can't really R unless he does his work, but he can't maximize his potential after D, either, unless he does his work.

Whether the BS does or doesn't resolve his pain is not a moral choice; it's a practical one. The BS is the primary beneficiary of doing the work and the primary sufferer from not doing it. But the BS has a free choice.

I don't give a rat's ass about who decides the outcome of the M. An M that ends because the BS didn't do the work is a waste, but it's only one thing that wasted by not healing.

Again, the OP sounded like he didn't 'do his work,' and I thought, 'How sad.' The info he added sounded like he was primed to lead the life he wanted to lead.

That's exactly what 'doing the work' does for a person.

How a person does the necessary work is irrelevant, but a person who is spinning his wheels years out really ought to consider IC.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:05 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]

In full agreement with Hellfire.

We also don't get decide what the work is.

We don't get to determine what "spinning wheels" looks like.

We do not get to decide what another BS's reality is.

I swear lately...we have taken to beating other BS's to death with our own self-rightousness and our belief that our way is the ONLY way to heal/get better.

IC worked for you...that is great.

IC didn't work for you...that is great

Brene Brown worked for you...great

Pearlman worked for you...great

Divorced 15 minutes after confession worked for you...awesome

13 years of trying to hold it together for you kids...great

In house separation until kid are 18 ...great

180 until WS takes their last breath...great

But lets stop beating each other up and offer compassion.

I simply find it shocking that people would rather go straight to a divorce, one of the most difficult things for a family to go through, instead of going to IC first.

Because for some people it’s a dealbreaker. LtCdr for instance. For others, like Walloped, it’s not.

And neither is better than the other. There is no one size fits all answer.

[This message edited by ramius at 7:51 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]

I swear lately...we have taken to beating other BS's to death with our own self-rightousness and our belief that our way is the ONLY way to heal/get better.

I have felt like this lately also. Its sad, I don't recall that being the case when I first started posting and I hope it doesn't scare off any BS's.

But lets stop beating each other up and offer compassion.

^^^^^this, 1000% times this

The BS should not have to do any work.

You could say the same thing about someone who was injured in a car crash they didn’t cause, but I guarantee you the one who does the hard physical therapy work will be better off and happier than the one who lays in bed bemoaning the unfairness of it all.

No, that is not comparable.

My comment was in the context of fixing the marriage. If they feel they need healing, then they work on that. But a BS owes nothing to the marriage and has absolutely no obligation to heal the relationship after infidelity.

Your misunderstanding of the benefits of IC is unfortunate. You should try it.

Right! Let's go and try out an IC.

While I am at it, I will perhaps try out MRI, may be some radiation therapy. Because of course you try out doctors even if you don't need to.

I am insinuating that people who want to be happy or want to be happily married should try to do some work in IC before they jump ship. Why would anyone go through a divorce without getting some outside perspective?

Being happy and being happily married are not the same thing. After infidelity they are often mutually exclusive. So, if a person decides to 'jump ship', its because the ship has already been sunk in deep shit by the WS. The choice is between pulling out the stinking ship, rebuild it, or just get away from it. Some people prefer the latter.

I guess I am wondering, what is the harm in going for six months or so before filing for divorce? What is the down side?

If the infidelity is a deal-breaker, then the downside is compromising one's morals by staying with a cheater.

Again, the OP sounded like he didn't 'do his work,' and I thought, 'How sad.' The info he added sounded like he was primed to lead the life he wanted to lead.

That's exactly what 'doing the work' does for a person.

To me it sounded like OP tried but the cheating was a deal breaker for him. It wasn't about 'not doing the work'. Some people will never be ok with cheating. He tried to be ok and live with his WS, but it just didn't work because he could not accept cheating.

We also don't get decide what the work is.

We don't get to determine what "spinning wheels" looks like.

We do not get to decide what another BS's reality is.

^^^^This.

Holy hell..4 pages...wasnt expecting that.

Thanks again for the replies. Whether you divorce immediately or wait years..its still a hell of a ride, aint it?

Affairs are just like autism..despite the main diagnosis, there are always twists and turns that make each situation different, and a remedy for one would likely be detrimental for another.

No IC for me, because the things that fww claimed were "wrong" with me were easily solved by myself. I didnt need a counselor to tell me the marriage hit the wall then...OR now.

At any rate, thanks again for the support and the pm's...my cup runneth over.

But a BS owes nothing to the marriage and has absolutely no obligation to heal the relationship after infidelity.

I agree with you that if you are headed to D, there's no need to work on the marriage, and I think we agree that if you aren't going to put anything into the marriage, you should just get a divorce.

Clint, as a military I had to move a lot, often to places that were pretty crappy. Like, getting shot at crappy. I tell everyone, though, that I could enjoy myself wherever I was as long as I knew I wasn't going to live there forever.

Hopefully the sight of an exit will allow you to lower the strain, knowing there's just finite time left in your mess.

Sending strength!

I want to tell something ti that guy who says that every bs should go to IC. That is compleate bullsheat. Im from Europe. We dont have a IC in our country. There are some terapeutists in big cities but no one goes to them. Why? Becouse we are wery strong and proud people. Men and women. My wife cheated on me. I cought her in the act. I sent OM in hospital for months,and I phisically kicked her ass out from the house. I filed for divorce the next day. And life is good. I have a bew beautifull wife,my son is happy,everything is ok. You know,there are people in this world who have a self respect and honnor,for them when their wife puts someone elces dick in her mouth and other places,that is just a deal braker. Simple as that. So,why wastw money on IC when there isnt anything wrong with them???