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This question is for ws’s. I am 15 months into reconciliation. I have read a lot on limerance, affairs, etc. how affairs start, the feelings, justifications, etc. here’s my question. It seems that the ws has all these “feelings” for the affair partner. For example, he/she is my soulmate. I never had feelings like this for my husband/wife on and on. How in the world can I ever feel like #1 again? She had feelings for him that I couldn’t give her in 30yrs? I feel a lot of resentment setting in. I just don’t care for her like I used to, that is very painful to say. I tried my best and it wasn’t good enough, so I don’t want to try at all.

Hi Humbled,

I am glad to see you posting again. I wondered how you were doing.

I think what you have to realize is in your mind you are trying to compete with a fantasy. The feelings were not real. She felt that way towards the person because she made him who she wanted him to be. She made the situation what she wanted to make it. And, she was able to make herself seem like a person she wanted to be.

This is not sustainable. It's not real. It's not fair that you have to go back and try and reconcile that in your mind. What does she say about it now? Has her narrative evolved? What is she doing to show you that YOU are the one that is special and the one to win? Are you guys communicating about this? Does she know you are struggling or are you doing so in silence?

Thanks hiking, I’m trying to forge forward. Kinda resentful stage right now. She says they weren’t real, and all the things you want to hear and see. BUT here’s the problem, they were real at the time. The emotional aspect was a 8 or 9 again at the time. I’ll never an 8 or 9. I’m just comfortable as she says. Who doesn’t reminisce about a 8 or 9? I’m just starting to think I may not be able to get past this.

I am right there with you. It hurts so bad to hear those things. Mine said/believed the same.

Here’s what the cheater forgets.

They did have those same feelings for you - years ago when you met. When you first started dating and early in the marriage. They just don’t remember it like that.

The cheater only remembers anything negative to justify the Affair.

My H’s OW was much younger. I told him I am not going to compete with a 30 year old. I’m your 30 year relationship. Not going to try to be your new-to-you-30-minute AP.

Sometimes you have to discount the crap that spews from the cheater. Because at Dday the cheater is all about “I love you it meant nothing” to the Betrayed spouse.

It’s delusional behavior.

Sorry Humbled,

I heard the exact same thing from my XWH. I tried R for 10 months but my XWH gave me an out by breaking NC with the AP and so I filed. His AP had moved on to the next victim by then, but my XWH was heartbroken over it. I'm pretty sure he morned more over that than loosing me and the breakup of our family.

That last NC break was nearly 2 years ago. I think he FINALLY sees that whatever feelings he felt for his AP were not healthy "love" feelings. I think you need to realize that too. Affair love is not real love. It's a fantasy. It's infatuation. Love is not selfish. You cannot compete with affair love because it wasn't real and would never last / hold up in the light of day.

My XWH is now embarrassed and ashamed. He has "taken-Back" some of the horrible things he said to me like:

"I never wanted to get married."

"I never wanted kids"

"I have never felt for you the way I feel for her."

"I am not sure I ever loved you."

yada yada ...

Too much damage was done in our M to save it.

I hope your WW is getting the help she needs to figure out why she was able to do this to you. I know for me, not feeling safe and loved was the deal breaker.

WS here who is a recovering addict (working/shopping/love/sex/alcohol) & codependent. Here's my take on what you're asking:

It seems that the ws has all these “feelings” for the affair partner. For example, he/she is my soulmate. I never had feelings like this for my husband/wife on and on.

These "feelings" are not real. They are what splenda is to sugar, an empty substitute. I got caught up in the "feelings" and proclaimed I had "authentic" feelings for the person and dreamed of us being together and they were "the person I was looking for my whole life" ( )

As I did work on myself and really looked inward in that moment I liked the high. I like the euphoria. I liked the rush. I liked the way it made me feel. However, none of that was sustainable. Just like a user, that source of dopamine subsides and that high comes down and those "feelings" are lost and no longer sustainable and the realization of it wasn't real or healthy starts to set in. Everyone has different timelines for this. Some recognize it after an EA becomes physical. Sometimes after the physical act is done. Or maybe months in to the EA. It just depends on the person.

How in the world can I ever feel like #1 again?

My suggestion is by making yourself #1 in your eyes. Putting yourself first. Making yourself a priority. Healing yourself. Loving yourself for who you are in healthy ways. Working on any character deficits and shortcomings. That's for you decide what those are. Work on yourself. Don't put your happiness or self-worth (aka being #1) in the hands of another. Take back your power of your worthiness.

She had feelings for him that I couldn’t give her in 30yrs?

She has character flaws that she's numbing and doesn't want to address. The affair numbed her from addressing these. I say this as someone who was lacking in integrity during my A's (I'm working each day to build stronger and stronger grounds) Integrity is choosing courage over comfort. Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them.

Let go of tying yourself worth to her and instead find it within.

I hope this helps. I'll keep you in my prayers and send good vibes for healing and strength along this journey for you and your WS.

If it was truly Limerence then the limerent object (ap) has all the flaws stripped out and the good magnified or even created out of thin air by the person who is experiencing the Limerence. A limerent person can project whatever they want onto the limerent object and it feels real.

It is not that particular person. Limerence causes the mental shift to happen so that the limerent object is whatever the limerent wants them to be, like limmerent Titania in Shakespeare's play.

It's like being compared to a movie character or someone from a book.

There are two things that can happen after. One is the limerent feeds the fantasy and still believes in it. That can go on for years. Second is, the limerent sees the person as they actually are and the situation for what it really was. They understand how Limerence has distorted their view of the limerent object, themselves and the connection between them.

A limerent is often manufacturing an ideal situation to get something emotionally. It's usually one sided and can be extremely strong.

Thank you everyone for the feedback. It was definitely limerant

She thought he was the dad she never had. One big problem, you don’t f your dad, or atl least it’s illegal 😀. If they have feelings they never had that sounds wonderful. I still struggle with thinking why wouldn’t I want to experience that at least once in my life. Words like euphoric etc. am I missing something?

Read Dr. Cookery on Limerence.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:46 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)]

I have listened and read all about it. Just makes me think I’m missing a life experience that I should experience. An emotional 10, a physical 10 etc. The best. Of course not afterwards but during.

I hear you man. Even today, after all theses years, every now and then the thought crosses my mind of “what would those emotions feel like; what kind of high would it be?”.

But as soon as the question pops in my head, it is followed by the answer: not high enough; as soon as the immediate endorphins wear off the shame and self disgust would roll in that I allowed myself to sink to that level. Just keep reminding yourself of that. Your feelings are normal. Part of the legacy of being a BS. You just have to keep brushing them aside and be proud to be who you are.

Thank you. It’s good to hear from a successfully reconciled couple. Can you provide more insight to this process? Like what is to be expected ahead. Like right now I’m resentful, couldn’t really care if she left. A feeling of I love you but im not in love with you. Does it come back?

The1stWife is right.

It is not that she did not have these same feelings for you when she first met you. She did. But the memory of those feelings have been covered up by the fog and limerance of her most current affair.

Give it time. If she works on herself she will eventually begin to recall the feel-goods that you gave her when she first fell in love with you all those years ago. It may take a while.

In the mean time, take care of yourself first.

The feelings that an affair gives your WS is short lived and fake. They are based on a fantasy. Before DDay the feelings I had for my WW made me very happy when I thought about her. That was a real feeling between us and why we lasted more than 15 years. Now we have to deal with a fantasy that she thinks is real.

I believe real love in an affair is extremely rare. Don’t compare a real relationship to the affair. If the Affair partners were in a real relationship those feelings would fade. It’s only a fantasy

Ow wrote to me after wh went nc with her. She said she had never felt as low, even when her own marriage ended. My h was her soul mate. Poor girl. This was after a 6 wk affair with plans to become a proper couple. Within a few weeks she had a new partner and has since married him. Its all bullshit. Crazy bullshit.

[This message edited by ktez at 5:52 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

I saw this somewhere and thought it was great.

When did we forget why we fell in love?

Love isn’t always about finding perfect love that lasts, it is being able to find your way back to each other when everything you believe, and trusts, goes bad, and to once again find the love that saved you and brought you together.

I have listened and read all about it. Just makes me think I’m missing a life experience that I should experience. An emotional 10, a physical 10 etc. The best. Of course not afterwards but during.

The best. That's the thought that haunts me endlessly. Yes, it's limerance, and yes, it's temporary, but the thought that my wife was "more in love with", "more sexually excited by", "more into" the AP, even if I can point to limerance as the cause, is still a huge splinter in my brain. Because no matter what I do, I can't get those same feelings out of her. Yes, the feelings she has for me are real, but they aren't as strong (in my eyes) as the fake ones that she had for him.

I want to be someone's emotional/physical 10. I thought I was (for her), and it's real hard to think that "you can never get over an 8 without being an AP, and bringing the danger/forbidden "love" aspect into a relationship that only an A can offer.

I, too, got to hear all about how the OW was everything I was not. I got to hear, "Sorry, you're just not her" during our supposed R. I got to hear him call her name out in his sleep, or tell me he loves me but get the name wrong.

Even got phone calls from the OW telling me I ought to be grateful to her for "lick-starting his sex drive".

Needless to say, it's not good for the ego. My self-esteem went lower than sewage in a sinkhole.

But once my WH moved in with this paragon of femininity, the shine came off the fantasy and he found out that she, the angel who was rescuing his dark and troubled soul, his twin flame, his soulmate, was even more messed-up and clingy than I was. She became the bane of his existence VERY quickly, and within two months he was begging me for another chance.

And I got to see this happen. I had proof that he found out he made a whopper of a mistake. I got to have him sitting on my couch with snot running out of his nose, crying about what a disaster he'd made of our marriage and his own life.

The vindication I felt at this point unfortunately didn't translate to courage, and I took him back.

A year later, he did it again, and this time I let him go without reservation... because I knew what was coming.

Nothing will ever truly take away the pain of hearing your spouse tell you you're not good enough. But slowly that pain translates to knowledge. Knowledge that they made decisions based not on reality, but on fantasy. Not on true love and affection, but on the illusions that they craft in their heads to justify their addiction to the "high".

It took years to get to the point where I no longer see myself through the negative filter my ex slapped over my eyes.

And those were very hard, very painful years.

I don't know that I ever would have forgiven him, honestly, but I can say with no uncertainty that I have learned to look at myself as WHO I AM, not who I am to him.

And I kinda like who I am. A lot. Who I am is a pretty awesome woman.

You can do the same for yourself - engage in things that make you feel good about yourself, and worry less about what anyone else (yes, even your WS) thinks of you. Once you begin to feel that inner confidence again, it will shine out of you like a light and your WS will see it too.

Any recovering CoD can tell you the dangers of taking your own self-worth from someone else's opinion of you. Yes, you want a spouse to cherish you. But right now, the most important part of your healing is honestly to cherish yourself.

Take pride in your ability to love. Take pride in your compassion and dedication, that you're willing to work on this with your spouse. Take pride in taking the right road, and in doing your best, and in going to bed at night knowing your day was spent making life just a little better.

You will have off days and bad days. But do it anyway. And eventually, you will reach that point where you are #1 in your own eyes, and those who demand the respect and adoration of others are amazingly successful at getting it simply by dint of having it within.