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We spoke about how devestated he would feel if the tables were turned. I’m certain he would be. WH volunteered of his own volition an apology to the OBS that went out with NC. In some way, I was grateful that he felt that was the right thing to do. Reminded me a little bit of the man I married instead of the stranger he had become. Had me review them before hitting send and then blocking. I’m Certain the OBS is struggling with similar feelings with a double betrayal. Neither of us ever deserved this. Feelings don’t get fixed.....they get felt. And right now is an utter S@$& storm of them.

When I mean stranger....I mean that I never ever thought we’d get here.

I just read your thread for the first time in days Ladybugmaam. I'm sure everyone already knows that I'm the OBS and I'm glad we are both here on SI to get the support we need.

I know we are not talking on the phone anymore and focusing on our own houses right now, but I wanted to reach out on here to let you know that I don't think you need worry right now about my WW/your H's AP breaking NC.

Your recent comment about seeing your H as the man you married instead of the stranger he'd become during the A hit home with me. I am also seeing glimpses of my W returning to the woman I married instead of the disconnected spouse she had become over the last year. It's as though someone has dumped a bucket of ice water over her head and she's awoken from a spell she was under.

If you wanted to confront her I'd not blame you or feel any ill will towards you. At this time, I truly believe it's all over between them. My WW is home again and while I don't doubt she feels some loss of her friendship with your H. The A is dead and buried. I also keep checking to make sure NC has been maintained, and it has as far as I can tell. More importantly, I know it has based upon my knowing my W, and that she's done with it and him. If I ever have evidence or even gut feelings to the contrary as we go though this, you will be the first to know.

I read the email your WH sent me to apologize. It didn't make me feel better. In fact it didn't really make me feel anything. I'd like to believe what he wrote but I like you am feeling a lot of anger towards the AP/your H for me. They both did this to us, yet we only have ever loved the one on our side so it's hard to feel the anger and hurt with equal due. I've had thoughts of replying to your H. Thoughts of confronting him, but in the end I don't see the point. I don't think it will make me feel better. I'm focusing my energy on me and my house right now. I'm trying to understand the why and how of it all. I may never be able to.

I wish you the best through all of this. Deep down I wish us all the best.

Yesterday was a rough day. It’s been so gloomy and rainy and miserably cold. It seemed as though the entire universe was conspiring to remind me of this betrayal AND weep with me. I keep shifting from pathetic to unspeakably angry.

Yes, we’re enjoying hysterical bonding....though at times I feel like this is a strange man that I don’t really know who wants to make me feel good and I’ll take that.

We’re dancing around each other trying not to set each other off.

Yesterday, I asked H to take me out of the house and help me to get my mind off all this. I’m really struggling with replaying so many conversations....as it’s the emotional affair part I think and the lying that hurts me the most. We left our son at home and went in search of something- a puzzle, gift for our son.

As he drove us, I broke down again as did he for the first time. He communicated an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt for the pain he had caused with his choices. Didn’t know why he set us on this path, but was going to do everything in his power to get us through to the other side and affair proof us for the rest of our lives. And, this morning I wanted to burn the Airbnb to the ground.

I'm sorry for your pain. It's normal to feel the anger and sadness ... you're grieving the lies as well as the lost of both your marriage and the man you thought you married.

If I knew of a 10 step short cut out of the pain and confusion, I'd share it with you. Try to step back and give yourself a few months to decide whether you are happier with or without him.

Double up on IC ... distancing yourself a little may help; and invest extra time in yourself or reinvent yourself (clothes, hair, spa/massage, new hobby, or take a trip with your girlfriend).

Know about the OBS and AP Going on BC has me up tonight. There was so much more invested than WH can even admit to himself let alone me. Feeling sick myself

As I mentioned in Bahama's thread. I think you and him need to still be contact. Their stories are almost to perfectly aligned. Makes me wonder if they are truly no contact. I'm sure they have their ways whether its at his office or what. Also, more so from what I am reading from Bahama's thread than here; I think the depths of this betrayal go far beyond just sex. This was both a PH and EA. It appears more evident with your husbands AP then what you have said. Good luck

Know about the OBS and AP Going on BC has me up tonight. There was so much more invested than WH can even admit to himself let alone me. Feeling sick myself

This must have really hurt and I think you've interpreted it accurately. There's still lying going on by both parties imo. I'm really feeling for you. ((()))

We are. I'm grateful that he pointed me here. I don't know how people function while going through this. I keep waking at 3am and going through his phone, mind movies, new information to process. Yesterday was harder still. The BC thing through me for a loop. I pressed H about it and he was genuinely surprised that she went on BC for this. He had been told that she was on it all along. As if he was surprised he could've been mislead by her. He was shocked.

Despite the seeming coordination of stories and efforts, I don't think they've broken NC....but WTH do I know.

I am heartened that he's saying and seemingly doing many of the right things. Constantly saying he's sorry, that he's here for me and willing to do whatever it takes. Checking in with me when he sees that I'm lost and trembling.

I asked him to tell me what he was finding there that he missed. One of the less obvious reasons was that OW was thrilled at all the cool adventures....plane rides, trips that we four actually took all together (ick), and expressed that to him. He didn't excuse it, but said he didn't feel that so much from me. I told him that was because it was a fantasy - and we had real life. He didn't see that from me because he wasn't looking for one....he was getting that from her....AND when was the last time he planned an adventure for the two of us that was built around him trying to impress me or woo me? He said there would be a lot more of that in our future.

Last night nothing worked to stop the tears. We weren't particularly good a communicating or diffusing the raw emotions crackling through the air. So hoping today gets a little bit better.

We are. I'm grateful that he pointed me here. I don't know how people function while going through this. I keep waking at 3am and going through his phone, mind movies, new information to process. Yesterday was harder still. The BC thing through me for a loop. I pressed H about it and he was genuinely surprised that she went on BC for this. He had been told that she was on it all along. As if he was surprised he could've been mislead by her. He was shocked.

Despite the seeming coordination of stories and efforts, I don't think they've broken NC....but WTH do I know.

I am heartened that he's saying and seemingly doing many of the right things. Constantly saying he's sorry, that he's here for me and willing to do whatever it takes. Checking in with me when he sees that I'm lost and trembling.

I asked him to tell me what he was finding there that he missed. One of the less obvious reasons was that OW was thrilled at all the cool adventures....plane rides, trips that we four actually took all together (ick), and expressed that to him. He didn't excuse it, but said he didn't feel that so much from me. I told him that was because it was a fantasy - and we had real life. He didn't see that from me because he wasn't looking for one....he was getting that from her....AND when was the last time he planned an adventure for the two of us that was built around him trying to impress me or woo me? He said there would be a lot more of that in our future.

Last night nothing worked to stop the tears. We weren't particularly good a communicating or diffusing the raw emotions crackling through the air. So hoping today gets a little bit better.

Further, as a woman and I know I'm putting words in OW's mouth....but you don't go on BC for just sex. Certainly, I didn't in my pre-M days. It tells me there were lots more emotions.

He said in the last days, she had texted him that she knew that H would never leave me and that's why they were trying to find their way out. I have to go with this, because he erased everything. OBS finding things OW saved, is the only reason why they were caught.

The MC said that AP don't get into affairs without a fair amount of lying...not just to BS but largely to themselves.

Despite the seeming coordination of stories and efforts, I don't think they've broken NC....but WTH do I know.

Your gut was screaming at you long before DD and it was right, JMO, I would trust my gut at this point.

It’s not just OK, you need to be checking his phone at this stage, don’t feel bad about it. It’s not snooping, it’s verifying. Have you considered running software to restore those deleted text?

I have to go with this, because he erased everything.

Him going on a deleting spree was yet another act of lying and deceit. Does he realize that? Has he apologized for it?

There are programs that can restore a lot of deleted stuff.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:01 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

He said in the last days, she had texted him that she knew that H would never leave me

If that's so, why did he put that option in his sketch of the 'decision tree' - have you asked him? What is his explanation for that?

And as the other posters have suggested I would look into those aps that retrieve deleted messages

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 11:50 AM, March 11th (Monday)]

So if he's saying that the affair was going to have to fizzle out because your husband would not leave you is a very significant piece of information for OBS. Very very significant.

They were using WhatsApp. To my knowledge you can’t recover stuff from WhatsApp on an iPhone

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:02 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

I'm not an expert but here's what I found:

If you don't back up your device on iTunes regularly or you failed to activate the automatic backup function in iCloud you will need a third-party data recovery software.

iMyFone D-Back iPhone data recovery or iMyFone D-Back iPhone data recovery for Mac is a powerful data recovery tool to get deleted WhatsApp messages back effortlessly.

Note

Please stop using your iPhone once you deleted messages, otherwise the deleted WhatsApp messages will be overwritten and unrecoverable.

They were using WhatsApp. To my knowledge you can’t recover stuff from WhatsApp on an iPhone

LadyBugMaam: You can recover Whatsapp messages.

Buy a piece of software named "Fonelab". It can recover deleted texts, images, videos, and WHatsapp, and all kind of cheater app messages.

Use Fonelab, stay far away from Dr. Fone. I've used both and a bunch of others, and my best result was with Fonelab.

Not to say there aren't other good ones, but Dr. Fone was trash and crashed during the actual recovery process.