SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LadyBugMaam, also, I think you need to keep a strong eye out for the other woman still trying to keep this affair going or taking it to another level.

Don't sleep.

Agreee - Fonelab can restore WhatsApp 100%. I’ve done it a number or rimes

If you do decide to try to retrieve those deleted messages, dont tell your husband first. He will do a factory reset on the phone, and everything will be gone. Or the phone will suddenly get lost,or broken.

Edited to remove bad input.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:30 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Stories align either when people coordinate them meticulously or when both parties are telling the truth and share the same perspective on events.

The rough alignment of stories does not in itself point to NC being broken.

Intentional betrayal of NC to the point of still continuing the A seems to often come combined with very few signs of any developing remorse. It appears to me the WS on both sides are showing signs of remorse. Its possible its all an act but is that likely? I dont think it is from what I have read.

That doesn't mean both BS shouldn't be vigilant. But I'm not sure there are any concrete facts to support them staying awake all night worrying about it either. Still,the phone data mining is probably justified regardless. Especially if all the detail they need to heal is not clear yet.

When the adultery goes underground it is often with behavior that leads the betrayed to believe the WS is "getting it". It works. For a while. The cheaters become better at hiding it. It gets discovered again because the spots on the leopard didn't change and shone through eventually.

Has LBM's WH gone underground? I don't know. Has he strategized with the AP? I don't know.

There's the saying to trust but verify. Right now, IMO, forget trust. Just verify.

Truly, I don't want to see what they exchanged in WhatsApp. I have my timeline that jives with what I researched. I have gory details that somehow make sense. I think the minutia of a WhatsApp recovery is only going to cause me more pain. I looked into FoneLab and am certain that I'm not tech savvy enough to load it. H is willing to load anything I ask at this point. I just don't want to see it.

We HAVE loaded Life 360 on all family members phones. Our son will be a driver in the next few years. It might serve us well. I'm so very un-tech savvy that when I tried to set up a geo fence around the stupid Airbnb.....I did it wrong and it looking like I was there to H. He immediately started calling and texting. He was worried I was there....going shock and awe on it.....or having revenge sex with Carlos the Cabana boy. I assured him I was in my office and to dive deep into the worry pool. Bring a snorkel. I've been here for months.

Last night we sat together under a blanket and watched our son play Lacrosse. H said he felt himself coming to grips with how monumentally selfish he's been. That he'd been in denial about the EA and how he made that into a PA. He said that in the past he was sure he would've just acted annoyed at the simple time spent watching a game he has absolutely no understanding of. (I'm sure that's true - he would have)

Sunday we both did our workouts. We scheduled them so we could start and finish in the same place. Sunday was the day I learned about and communicated the whole BC thing. AND, the day I made him come to church with me. I'm a classical singer on the side, and my church gig is one way I stay connected to this important part of ME. It's also something that I know he's less comfortable with, given he was forced to go as a kid. His family were in the clergy. So, out of consideration for that, I usually didn't ask him to go when I had a "big sing". But, I had one for this Sunday and had very little time to prepare and was sounding terrible with all the stress and tension. I told him, I needed him there to support me. Singing has been one thing that always felt natural to me and I felt like this was taking that away from me too. I also warned him that, it's Lent.....it's all sin and repentance and selfishness stuff. I didn't do that to punish him, but knew it would perhaps feel that way...and told him. So, Sunday was crazy emotionally charged for us both. (It was the right place for us both to be with the right message for us both to hear). After the service, I felt like this was going to just be too hard for him. He was tearful. We both left afterward to workout. It was the first beautiful days in weeks. There were so many people out. But, I was drawn to all the couples walking dogs and babies through the park. AND PISSED that while we were there at the same time, I was still very much alone. We fought, a lot. In our regular 3am freakout....I said....maybe this started when you became more invested in Tri's than our family...and then the EA with someone who shared the obsession and then PA. He told me that I wasn't allowed to ask him to stop training. I told him that he wasn't allowed to say he was willing to do everything to fix us and take S%&^ off the table. So, we retreated to our separate corners. Five minutes later, he told me that there is no reason for me to train alone anymore. He would do his workout and then do mine with me. And, did it yesterday before our Lacrosse game.

He woke up crying this morning. Walking around the house muttering...."How can I be so F%*&ing stupid".

We have MC this morning.

I'm replaying all these stupid moments of lies from him and AP/trying to be my pal person.

I told him that he wasn't allowed to say he was willing to do everything to fix us and take S%&^ off the table.

Please disregard my last post, as a matter of fact I’ll remove it, it appears you should be giving some of us advice. Great response.

He told me that I wasn't allowed to ask him to stop training.

He's smart. He read the books and learned the phrases/lines of remorse etc you need to hear. But he's still focused on his needs (call it selfish, entitled, lacking empathy or whatever). The same sort of wayward thinking that led to his decision to cheat.

There may be more triggers he will have to eliminate from your life together if you choose to R.

IMO the Tri's was his cover story for his affair and now a major trigger for you. Forfeiting the Tri may be one of the few consequences he will experience for his decision to cheat.

I don't need to tell you this, but you are going to be just fine, with or without your WH.

You are amazingly strong and smart and clear-sighted. You are a force.

Ladybugmaam, you are so clear on what you need and how you deserve to be treated. Nope, he doesn't get to set the contours of what you need to heal. I'm glad you made that clear. His choices have consequences, as they should. Keep up the good work.

How is your son doing? A consequence of this will sadly be what his son thinks of his dad

[This message edited by MrRadical at 10:20 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

I'm grateful that our son is doing pretty well....given the circumstances. He has amazing resources with his fantastic school and friend group. I'm very glad we've been in a place where he's known most of his friends since before any of them could walk. (Though the small town nature of this is so triggering) H and I have been checking in with him. I'm sure this has been hard to hear. In MC he said he was just realizing the depths of which he's abandoned us both. He's making big plans for time for upcoming school holidays. Reconnecting not just with me, but also our son. I guess we all realize our parents are human when we're teens. He's just heard it all at once.

LadyBugMaam, also, I think you need to keep a strong eye out for the other woman still trying to keep this affair going or taking it to another level.

Don't sleep

This ^^^

The OW seems to have no conscience and is selfish to the extreme. I am sure you are well aware of her personality traits but nevertheless....

p.s. you are showing remarkable strength and judgement in clear contrast.

p.p.s. I know which woman I would want in my life. Hopefully your husband can now see that clearly too.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 7:55 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Letting your husband know that there is an upcoming poly isnansurefirenway to help stop covert no contact breaks. No contact is the easiest thing in the world to break. Just call from work.

.p.s. I know which woman I would want in my life. Hopefully your husband can now see that clearly too.

I thank you for this. I hope so too. Look, I’m 50, but I’d like to think make that look good. This has totally thrown my orbit off course with the “let’s be pals” with the 35 yr old ap utter Bulls6$9@.

I feel like she wanted to steal my life.

Willing to work on this. But, I will not subject myself or my kiddo to this s$&tstorm again. Zero tolerance on that one.

Pretty sure OW was thinking I made this crap look easy. H is my person....and after 23 years....if she thinks this reality remotely resembles the fantasy......darling girl, be my guest. Am totally judging her character by her failing to address this.

And further, for those who mentioned the trading up cliche. I get why it’s a cliche....though ickly OW gave me her tri wetsuit as I trying to move from marathons to tris- while f$&@ing my H. We’re ickily the same physical size.....which makes me know this totally morphed from EA.

This just pisses me off....at everything/everyone.

Lady, have you asked your WH if the OW has attempted to contact him directly or indirectly(third party) recently?

Lady, have you asked your WH if the OW has attempted to contact him directly or indirectly(third party) recently?

^^^^^^^^^This!

I feel like she wanted to steal my life.

JMO, please put this in the present-tense. Although, it appears your WH made a wise decision and threw AP under the bus she STILL appears to covet what you have.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 1:25 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

double post

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 3:22 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]