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Is there a reason you aren't going to make him take a polygraph? Many members here have done that,and it gave them the peace that, at least they were attempting reconciliation on a foundation of truth.

It's not like a Maury Povich type of deal. There are a lot of reputable administrators, and it's done in the privacy of their office.

I'm concerned that MC is too soon. The focus is on the marriage, when he is still lying and you're expected to talk about why you love him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:19 AM, March 22nd (Friday)]

I'm concerned that MC is too soon. The focus is on the marriage, when he is still lying and you're expected to talk about why you love him.

I agree with this too.

It doesn’t address all of the issues you are facing BUT attempts to zip up and protect the marriage, repair and heal.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:35 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

I thoroughly agree. The MC is gold star and requires IC or won’t treat the marriage.

We’re in this dueling panic attack mode. He’s freaking out at the pain he’s realizing he’s caused and admits is his own stupid selfishness.

We’re hoping for a marriage 2.0 or rather he’s in hyper focus mode to work towards. I’m admittedly to him “not leaving him today”....more dropping shoes and I’m not so sure about how much I can do. He’s getting that I’m mourning our dead marriage. I sob and he sobs with me.

Ladybug, I realize you are taking a few days away with WH. I want to encourage you, as someone who has been there, to focus a bit more on yourself.

You are not sleeping, and you must take this seriously. As an athlete, you need sleep to repair your body. You have been through TRAUMA; your brain needs recovery time as well. A BS already feels crazy and has a hard time making decisions. Sleep deprivation will make all of this worse.

Please, please, please get some help with OTC medication or an Rx from your doctor. Have a relaxation massage. Soak in a warm tub with a few drops of lavender oil. Avoid alcohol; seriously, do not drink for a while. Treat yourself like a most precious patient who has been badly injured.

Any time you need to, you can step away and say, "F this" and go take care of yourself. If you need a break from Triggerland, take it. You are calling all the shots now in your one and only life.

H suggested a massage this weekend. (Grateful he's sorting that out for me and initiated it). Picked up some melatonin this morning. Have my first little tri in the morning with H and son. Want to put on a brave face for the kiddo and have some fun as a family. Have started to have a few brief shining moments where this hasn't consumed my every thought. Though....that usually means I'll be up with some fresh hell at about 1am. No matter how this works out, I'll be forever grateful to all ya'll, as we say in my home town.

Except for the sobbing comparing myself self pity moment right before the tri start, we kicked it. #1 in each of our age ranges.

Way to kick ass, Ladybugmaam!!!

🏆🏆🏆🥇🥇🥇🏃‍♀️

way to go lbm!!

I’d be impressed under normal circstances Ladybug - but during this shitstorm - WOW! You guys have grit!

Your WH’s true training partner has been right under his nose for years.

When married people tell me they or their partner trains with someone of the opposite sex who is not their spouse, I cringe.

It’s too much time together too long and often, with hormones working overdrive via the rush of exertion.

A true husband would turn to his spouse and ask them to be the person who helps them push toward their goals And if she didn’t have the will or the capability they would find another man as a training partner, not a younger and fit woman. Even with boundaries firmly in place that much time together, possibly more than is spent with the spouse, makes for an unsafe situation.

I hope he sees how superior you are to the AP in every way. And he had you there the whole time. If only he could have appreciated it without having to destroy the relationship in order to finally realize it.

I’m glad he threw out the trophies and ribbons. They are completely tainted as are thoughts of any time he spent with the AP, training, talking, competing, eating or yes, f*cking. I hope he sees that.

You are so much more a good and solid person than either of them. They are both broken. You have been knocked down by them, but you would never be at their level. They have a long road of work to follow to become fully good souls. It will be a struggle for them to get there.

LBM, you are taking the right steps. I’m glad this was a new memory built for you and your family. Enjoy the good parts of it and know, if you both really want it, that the bad parts will become less important over time if he commits to being who he should have been all along.

Good job.

You have received such good advice and support. I just wanted you to know that there are many of us reading and rooting for you who take a back seat to all that good advice. My message to you is that you have a far wider audience than you know, and your journey is a help to others. And you have a bigger tribe than you know!

Best,

Odonna

So very angry. He’s sharing bits and pieces of more details of their relationship....as I’m asking. And it’s just so hard to hear. There were so much more emotional involvement than I knew. I still cannot fathom that he did this.

Oh Ladybugmaam, I'm sorry that you're continuing to hear painful information. As hard as it is, I think it'll be a good thing in the long run (whether R or D) that he's willing to tell you painful truths at last (assuming he's not being cruel and vindictive, but just trying to be honest for a change). And the emotional attachment isn't that surprising given the intensity and length of their interactions plus common bonding over their training. It doesn't mean, however, that it was real or would have been lasting once exposed to the light. My WH told his AP that he loved her, and she asked her BS for a separation while their A was going on. And it all evaporated for him shortly after d-day when he thought I might leave him. It wasn't real. He didn't even know much about her in any meaningful way except her highly curated version of how badly she was treated in her marriage (right). Stay strong, lady. You can continue to demand what you need to heal, wherever that may lead you. And make sure you're taking care of yourself and your boy through all of this. It's exhausting.

Knowing is better than the constant imaginings of what they did, said, thought. Once it’s all out you can focus on your own healing. Then you can decide if he is worthy of a second chance. I am so hopeful for you.

It’s so hard to hear that for a period of time (months, a year) he was more a husband to her than to you as she was more a wife to him than the OBS. Both very broken people with nothing in their heart for the spouses they were betraying.

But yes, although painful, his honesty going forward will be one of the building blocks to use in starting a new marriage.

That said, even though I am a Pro-R type of guy (when the circumstances and behaviors make it possible) there is always a part of me that R should only be tried after D.

In other words, I see a path (that some hear have taken) that make R more authentic, only after the BS has divorced the WS and then given an opportunity for the WS to work the long road back Into the heart of the BS.

So perhaps a conversation like this may be one you want to consider:

BW: “ your actions have truly broken my heart. I trusted you as my love, my life, my spouse my partner And you completely broke that trust. Now it’s time for you to show how all in you are in saving this M. It’s time for you to give unconditional trust to me and see how I handle your heart in return. How much are you truthful in saying you want to do anything to make this right.

If you are, then are you willing to give me a D with favorable terms (reasonable alimony, 60% of assets, primary custody or our son)? And in return I offer you the chance to win back my heart.

We can start at square one and you can decide if you want me in your life enough to commit to me all over again, as friends and see if it grows again into love Interests, lovers, committed partners and maybe someday spouses again.

I understand if these terms are too dear for you. But if that’s the case, then perhaps we don’t belong together after all. We can keep trying, but honestly, nothing short of offering to me what I am suggesting feels adequate repentance enough as making up for the damage you have done.

I won’t bring this up again, but I cannot make promises that I will ever see you again as more than someone who wants his cake and to eat it to. The ramifications for what you have done need to feel right for me to ever open my heart to you again. Please think about that. “

And then let him think. Only bring it up once and then absorb his response, or lack thereof, into your thinking going forward.

It’s just a thought LBM. Something to consider.

I wish you well on this journey whatever path it takes you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:44 PM, March 24th (Sunday)]

TT is very cruel. That is what he is doing, LBM. A little info at a time and only when asked or demanded. That is pulling off a very sticky large bandage very, very slowly. Water drip torture.

Perhaps you need to explain to him that this method is very detrimental to R. He needs to come clean and fast if he wants any chance of R. He needs (IMO) to write out a timeline in great detail. I would suggest not just the facts - where, when, how, who set up, how it was set up, etc. - but emotional and efforts to deceive and gaslight, too. What their strategy was. How did he feel.

He needs to step up and go all in, full force, if he wants to R. The ball is in his court and he's fumbling.

My fwh and I reconciled after an A and a few months of Trickle Truth. The TT almost led to a divorce. It was almost more hurtful than the Affair itself. A passed polygraph is what gave me the peace of mind I needed to stay in the marriage. I know people have differing opinions about polygraphs, but it was:

1. his attitude about taking one

2. the absence of a “parking lot confession”

3. the passed test itself

that prompted me to go all in on reconciliation.

I am not pushing you into one, just sharing our experience.

The main thing to remember is that whether you decide to reconcile or divorce, you are going to be all right. You can make it out of infidelity and move on with your life. It may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you can be happy again on the other side of this.

Parking lot confession??