SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I must have misunderstood. I thought OBS thought his wife had found this site, because she mentioned something to him that you had told your husband OBS had said to you,when it was actually something he had posted.

If a Google search would have caused your wh to find OBS on here, he must have used a username that was easily identifiable,which is unfortunate. Regardless, part of NC for your husband should extend to the OBS. I'm not sure why he would want to read his thread. Not if he was actually remorseful. It's quite invasive on your husband's part. And a continuance of having no boundaries.

He's told me to stay here, if I feel it helps.

It would help him to know where you are emotionally to give you what you want. Very unhealthy, manipulative and controlling. I doubt he shared with you all his feelings, particularly the ones he had/has for OW.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:39 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

I think your H feels like I do. If this helps stay here. If it doesn’t don’t. But, don’t leave forever, if you go. As you process through the stages of grief there are thousands of posters who have such good ideas and suggestions.

This is a s*** show of epic proportions and if we are helping that is great. If you feel differently then use what you can and leave the rest.

Your body is exhausted so find some way to get some relief. IC helps, of course, but meditation is useful. Exercise is useful. Doing things as a family is useful. Just look after your health.

I think its pretty terrible that your WH is reading the OBS's thread. One more betrayal that he doesn't deserve.

At least he should see what a POW the OW is but hopefully he knew that already.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:06 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

He won’t admit it but the fact that a younger woman was ready to blowup her family for him has blown his head up.

this ^^^ is where he is based on his condescending approval to post on SI and many other small remarks LB has mentioned here.

Anyway, the whole situation has become so unhealthy, when both cheaters continue to have glimpses in their AP's marriage and have an upper hand in a mess they created. At least OBS stopped posting..

Gently, to give your WH opportunity to read your thread so early after DD is a form of pick me dance, when BS is still not able to accept that the spouse chose to betray M, knew the pain it will cause and decided that it is ok as long as he enjoys himself. IT NEVER WORKS.

Do not worry that he would leave for OW. If he wants to do it, he would do it anyway and good riddance then. She seems so needy and coupled with her depression and all the consequences of destroying 2 families, their little paradise will fall apart within weeks. I doubt your WH planned to babysit her kids while she is training. There were no place for their kids in their fantasy world. And I believe your son made it clear of what he thinks of such an arrangement.

I wonder, since he has stayed in a family, is not it time for him to focus on putting efforts in returning back what he stole from you: time, money, affection invested in AP? This should be practiced daily until you feel healed. Is he up to a task?

Do not tell him anything about how you feel. Is not it his job now to remind you daily that he loves you?

I don't think there's anything wrong with sharing SI with your spouse. If people had followed the rules and not referenced the OBS's thread in yours and vice versa, then there would have been no connection for him to make on that end.

In my experience, those feelings of love and gratitude that you still get a chance to remain together and fix things are OK. Your feelings are your feelings. More anger and disillusionment will probably come later, but these early days of wanting to cling to each other will help strengthen your bond to make it through the harder times to come. Anyone who is frustrated with you for not being angrier needs to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. In two to five years you will have a different, more multidimensional understanding of everything you've lost and gained. For now you are still in the triage stage of things. When a drunk driver hits you and totals your car and causes you injury, you may initially be filled with gratitude that you are still alive. Later you can deal with your anger at the senseless losses and pain.

She and OBS had an agreement that they wouldn't share SI with their waywards. That giving them a window into the OBS's pain was something neither of them wanted.

Ok. So he reads her thread. Making a point to read OBS's though? Why? To see the pain he caused another man? Or to read about how much the OW seemed to have luuuurrvving feelings for him? That hers seemed to be an exit affair. To see if what she told him matched up with what her husband was saying?

There are tons of helpful threads on this site. Not sure what he has to gain by reading the devastation the OBS was feeling.

Especially considering he had continued to lie,every day,until Op found he had a burner phone. A phone which he claims he bought for one goodbye call...yet kept it after the first call, and made another..and another.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:06 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

I agree with a previous poster. He has read that you've been advised to have him take a polygraph, and why. Yet he hasn't volunteered?

Why not?

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:06 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Right, Jsmart. But then OP said she had shared something OBS had posted about, with her WH. She told her WH OBS told her directly this bit of information. She was trying to trick him,or whatever. Suddenly OBS posted that his wife had found his thread. It is more than reasonable to assume OW was told this bit of information by the OM, via the burner phone, and when his WW mentioned it to OBS, he,of course, assumed his wife had found his thread. So it sounds like they were in contact until very, very recently. And that the burner phone was used for much more than 3 goodbye calls.

Hellffire, I 100% agree with you. WH had to have told OW that information. I don’t think there’s even a slight chance that they haven’t had very recent contact.

Yup, the simple answer is usually the right one. The phone isn’t at the bottom of a lake and neither cheater randomly found this site and are cyberstalking their betrayeds.

Look guys, it's information about something that I have absolutely no control over - haven't for a very long while. I'm trying. He's trying. It's a massive SH*Tstorm. I've got to take some solace in him trying to do the right things - even if the trust thing will never be the same again.. We're going to screw this up royally or make it work. I'm hoping for the later, but will be making sure to take care of myself, being committed to working on it (just my plate-thank you), and taking care of our amazing kiddo in the process.

I'm trying. He's trying. It's a massive SH*Tstorm. I've got to take some solace in him trying to do the right things - even if the trust thing will never be the same again.. We're going to screw this up royally or make it work. I'm hoping for the later, but will be making sure to take care of myself, being committed to working on it (just my plate-thank you), and taking care of our amazing kiddo in the process.

SH*Tstorm is a good description. I wish I could offer you a quick simple 10 step program off this slippery slope. You'll both make mistakes.

Post or ask specific questions as often as you need. I follow your posts but rarely have any new advice/observation to add. You are not alone.

You are trying to make this work. You still need to verify that he is trying to make this work. You also thought that he was trying to make it work after D-Day when he was still talking to her (and still may be).

We want the best for you!!! while us being blunt may be tough, what’s tougher is something going on behind the scenes at this point. Most of us have been there - simply out its better to be safe than sorry. Strategically your next step is a polygraph.

He has been lying to you for a very, very long time. It’s not something that you should logically take a leap of faith on at this point

Not sending this....but if she's tuning in....so be it.... Excuse the profanity moderators. This is what I meant when I said I was done.

OW

I’m pretty sure that you’ll never understand the depth of the pain you’ve conspired with H cause to me or my dear son….or your family. My heart breaks over your sweet girls and the shear number of times my child said..can we not hang with the OW’s family because you guys always fight afterwards. I wish I had blown up the world in Phoenix. I will never know how you could go from “I respect your vows” to fucking my husband a week or so later. The months of lies, false assurances, false attempts at friendship….I cannot begin to fathom the depths of where you both were to choose to do this to me, my family and to OBS and yours. I was getting to know you, while this whole affair was going on…..and I liked you. On a far and distant planet….I would have loved to be your friend. I thought you were kinder, and “respectful of my and your marriage vows”, and that you loved my family. (because you and WH did absolutely everything to lie to me and make me question everything I saw) Right now, I just feel like you probably wanted to escape what you thought was a challenging marriage and enter what you thought was the fantasy of mine. 23 years of marriage….isn’t a fantasy. It’s holding each other’s heads over toilets with stomach flus. It’s infertility. Menopause. Lawsuits. Health risks. The elation of bringing a beautiful child into the world. The hopefulness of a wedding and promises. It’s more family drama, that H actually invited in an attempt to be the hero we both know he loves to be, than anyone should have to experience. I wish he had shared one bit of his concerns about that with me. It breaks my heart that I know you two talked about that.

Each time we met for dinner, I thought you wept because you were identifying with my insecurities over what I thought might be an emotional affair. I am a little bit lightened knowing that the whole menopause hormonal roller coaster and questioning your place in the world….(While my family was doing everything to fuck everything up)…..is coming for you. You’ll make it through. It’s rougher than you’ll imagine at 35. I’d like to be generous and think you were weeping because you felt a bit guilty over what you were doing to me and what I thought was my life. Though, the whole 50 Shades with your feet resting on my son’s lap and loaning me your cast off wet suit, and the whole fucking Reinbeer shit…. while fucking my husband will sit with me as the meanest thing one woman, I’ll say girl….because a woman with her shit together doesn’t do that sort of thing…. can do to another until the day I die. Please do me a solid and teach your sweet girls never to do that to someone they ever want to befriend.

Seriously, I was so ashamed at how “crazy” I was acting in the wake of your affair. I so wanted to believe you both - but knew something was fucking off and couldn’t reconcile it.

I really wish you well. I hope you, maybe not now while you’re trying to fix this shit, tell your H to get a fucking job if it bothers you so much. Know that I will not look upon you again with any amount of concern. I remember you looking at all our wedding and family photos on my photo wall while this whole thing about the fucking was ongoing……I feel like you wanted to steal what you imagined of my life. Nothing, I mean NOTHING, is ever as easy as it seems. What you had, what you thought you had, what you risked everything for…..was a shadow of a fantasy.

I wish you well. I wish you’d find work far, far away from me. And I hope you and your family can heal from the shit you and my husband brought to us all.

That made me cry LBM. You are a strong person. Those whom you allow into your life are privileged souls.

never to do that to someone they ever want to befriend.

She wasn't trying to befriend you. Not while fucking your husband. Nope.

Take some solace that all the turmoil, tears, and bitterness in her marriage are the result of her own actions. She's quite a twisted, cruel person.

Best wishes to you LBM.