SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so sorry to hear this. I agree with the others who note with your history it would not be the right thing to do to walk away while she is in such a fragile state. If not for her, but for your kids who never should never lose a parent in such a horrible way.

But after the triage is complete, you need to take a hard look at her and what she has done. She has lied about how long it went on, lied almost from day one in letting you believe she was in for reconciling the marriage, and you probably have in unearthed a lot of others

My fear for you is that this will never be a heathy relationship. She has put you in such a terrible position. How do you ever trust her She went right back to cheating the first opportunity she had. Chances are good she will do it again

This also is a great example of what happens when a BS jumps the gun in R. She had no consequences and you are back here again. We have seen this play out before. Probably plays out even more when you count in the times the BS hasn’t caught it as the WS just gets smarter in how to hide it

I really feel for you. Get her as healthy as you can, then go live your life

Never let another person's actions make a difference in you doing what's best foryl you.

Did she attempt suicide after her first physical encounter with OM bc she couldn't believe what she had done?

No.

Did she attempt suicide after she restarted her A due to guilt of betraying you yet again?

No.

She did it after she was busted a second time when she knew it was likely that you were done and her cake-eating days were over.

Manipulative? Maybe. Likely. But no one can know for sure. Given the second time over betrayal, I'd say it's likely.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:31 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)]

Also Fareast There will be no rug sweeping. I've have talked to her and made it clear if she does not eventually take steps to address the the affair then the Marriage will be Over.

Gently, the M you had is DEAD and she killed it, you probably told her the same thing after DD1 and she went right back to cheating (probably never stopped)with the same OM. You can't fix her, she needs to fix herself, she has checked out of the M and only regrets getting caught (YET AGAIN), her level of betrayal is huge, your children are grown, I would recommend you simply let her family handle her and file for D, D takes a long time and she has until it's final to convince you to stop it by doing the necessary work, and If I was you, I would sue OM, he most likely has some type of E&O and/or general/professional liability insurance in place, he may just have to pay a deductible and his premiums will skyrocket after renewal, if he has no consequences he will remain a predator waiting for the next victim and M to destroy, even if you still don't intend on doing it, tell your wife you're doing it and that she needs to be a witness and provide all the proof she has, if she refuses, you know she's still protecting OM. Has she even sent an NC FOREVER letter yet ? has she apologized to your family (including your grown children) and close friends ? if not she should, remember NOTHING kills an A faster than full exposure.

Did she attempt suicide after her first physical encounter with OM bc she couldn't believe what she had done?

Actually yes but that was before I knew she was cheating. At the time I believed it was solely due to the depression issues that she has always faced and is medicated for.

Please don't assume things to make your own conclusion.

FYI

This is my last post on this thread. I did not really want it to take a life of its own and be one the 20 pagers. I know everyone is trying to help in one way or another. Its very easy to project your BS experience into mine. So while some of the advice is harsh it is meant to be supportive and I appreciate that. But I have the help and support from people outside of this site that I need so i'm going to be eventually be ok. I will still continue to read and post in the future.

Don't you think that that was an important detail to leave out?

After the first D-day, did you tell her if this happens again you would divorce her? If you didn’t tell her you would divorce her, did you think it?

So now you’re starting from a position of no D. Your plan is start from the mindset of R and only D if she can’t do the things you deem necessary. And you’re taking this position on a second D day. Wow, she’s got it easy. Taking the starting position of D IS HAPPENING seems it might be the more appropriate one on a second D-day. Then if she can do the things you deem necessary you might consider R. This means, contacting a lawyer and getting the ball rolling. I sense you don’t want to do that and won’t do it unless she really messes up. What do you think?

So while some of the advice is harsh it is meant to be supportive and I appreciate that. But I have the help and support from people outside of this site that I need so i'm going to be eventually be ok. I will still continue to read and post in the future.

That's because we call it as we see it, it may seem harsh at times but mostly aimed at helping you, oth it's ok and actually recommended you get the support from people outside of this site, especially from family and close friends, however I can assure you they have not seen infidelity play out THOUSANDS of times and don't have the collective wisdom of SI. The main goal of this site is to help guide you out of infidelity, it's often said that the path out of it runs parallel for some time, then before D is final you can decide to stop it or let it run its course, you tried your way the first time and it didn't work.

I suggest you stick around and post frequently, this is a critical moment in your life, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, thousands have found this site invaluable, stick around, post and listen to the advice, it's free and for the most part sound and spot on.

I’m saying prayers for you and your family. 🙏

"I've have talked to her and made it clear if she does not eventually take steps to address the the affair then the Marriage will be Over. We did discuss this and she understands this. But for now I am following the the advice of the hospital psych doctor to let her fix her first then revisit the Affair together later. But he did tell both of us it will have to be dealt with. "

Not sure what you mean here? Is she still involved with him?? If so WHAT???? This affair needs to be killed NOW, not eventually.

I hope you told your kids what she did also. They need to know (as do all of your/her family).

I really think all this "attempted" suicide is manipulation to get you to stay on the hook.

You already gave her her chance -- now it is time for YOU to protect yourself and your kids and boot her to the curb. This will never get better.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by jlg05 at 12:09 PM, March 4th (Monday)]

Prayers for you and your family. Good luck.

So while some of the advice is harsh it is meant to be supportive and I appreciate that. But I have the help and support from people outside of this site that I need so i'm going to be eventually be ok. I will still continue to read and post in the future.

The hard vicious truth is all you'll get here, Sir. I realize that may not sync up very well with what you may wish you would get. Be well, and best wishes in getting out of your WW's infidelity.

Isn't that amazing? You pressed for answers and she scoffed at you. Only for you to find out after all.

That gut feeling is real!

I too am going through the same. But I have nothing concreted.

I'm not trying to punish her. I just need to know where we truly are.

And most importantly I need to ensure the kids will be safe.

For me, SO appears to have been talking to men. I saw red flag after red flag.

Then I confronted the men (yes more than 1).

One fessed up. She said he was a lunatic. Yada Yada.

We decide no more social media.

I log out of social media and she swears nothing has happened.

So 3 months later I log back in only to find her following the same men.

After confrontation, more denial!

Oh my account was hacked. etc...

Now she's logged off from social media.

But I can't help and think that she's now better at hiding.

Does she have a burner phone?

Is she talking during work hours?

Who knows!

We both decided to put tracking apps on each of our phones.

Well, her's and ONLY HERS is now not working again.

Why?

She's constantly leaving work early or arriving a bit late to work.

Which route she takes and where exactly is she for 20 to 30 minutes is beyond me.

To make matters worse the alleged pAP attends or attended college 1/4 mile from her current work.

Is she still seeing him?

talking to him?

IDK

I've reached my point and she knows it. I personally do not want to be married to her anymore.

I don't want ANY relationship. Just peace of mind, my daughters and a normal life.

For now things will remain the same.

I've thought about getting a VAR etc...

But I haven't gotten that far.

I'm leaving so many details which point towards an active Affair!

One thing I know though, is that THIS IS no life to live.

No one is worth this much pain and misery.

NO ONE

Good luck to you as you navigate this road with the rest of us betrayed.

I know you said you're not going to post again but somehow everyone seems to miss something. This isn't the first DDay, it's the second one. Everyone treats this as if she was a first time offender.

I don't know if I can ever trust her again at this point. That will be up to her to take the steps to build that trust. If she does not do that then I will have to look at other options. But in the meantime its to soon to make that final call. Getting past the PA will take time with a IC but I believe I can if she does her part.

This already happened. All of this. You had this already during the first affair. You gave her this chance, she used it to betray you again. Now you're giving it to her again, with no consequences, at this rate you'll be doing the same on DDay 3 and DD 37. That isn't even taking into account all the stuff you might've missed going on during "the good years".

I wish you the best of luck because I'm absolutely convinced you're going to need it. She did this to you but you allow her to keep doing it.

There is a great deal of truth to that old saying "There are none are so blind as those who will not see".

Sadly I think thats the case here.

n8inohio:

“My main reason for posting was to share my story so that the next person who signed up can see another story that might be like theirs.”

Thanks n8, this site could use more people willing to post to share.

“So while some of the advice is harsh it is meant to be supportive and I appreciate that.”

You’re correct n8 and you understand this better than most.

“ My WW made a choice to be with him. She’s no victim.”

Excellent perspective n8.

“There will be no rugsweeping. I’ve talked to her and made it clear if she does not eventually take steps to address the A then the M will be over.”

Excellent reasoned approach n8. Take the time to process the emotional trauma of a 2nd DDay and make a considered decision. You’ve been M a long time. Good for you for stepping back and actually taking time to think things through.

Whether you ultimately decide to D or R, you have your head on straight and are doing well. You do you. Whatever you decide you will receive good support on this site. Good to see that you have support IRL that is also rational and not knee jerk.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by Atrowspark at 12:09 AM, March 9th (Saturday)]

Definitely blow up her boyfriend’s world. Shout it from the rooftops. His wife, coworkers, friends, everyone.

Hi N8

I am sorry for you both, your situation is incredibly difficult. Thank you for sharing.

I think you are doing all the right things and have a great perspective.

Mental health issues are real. Suicide attempts are a cry for help and must be treated seriously and with caring. She is or was your wife and mother to your boys whether she is a cheater or not.

And You are a caring person. Your wife is fortunate,

Whether you decide to stay married or not after she has found her feet is your next choice.

You are totally grounded.

My WH has threatened suicide. If he carried through my boys would be forever damaged. I can’t be a party to that. It does not mean I will stay married, it means mental health is a focus of our convos.

I wish you the best. Hugs

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 9:12 AM, March 9th (Saturday)]

How in the world did a veterinarian find the privacy and the time to flirt enough to get an affair started? The vet I go to has two women in the front about four techs and if you’re lucky you see the veterinarian for about 10 minutes. In some cases you don’t see him at all. There’s just something so weird about this story. I am not questioning you I’m questioning how those two met. There’s just something off about an affair starting at a veterinarians office