SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You don’t need to dress up to get male attention. 🤪 <—- sometimes it’s like that for wearing jeans and a T-shirt. I remember when I was in my 20s I wore baggy sweats and a baggy T-shirt to avoid attention. Even that didn’t work

I mean, let's make it kind of funny. I'm totally within my rights to put on a miniskirt right now, a halter top, a nice blonde wig, some bright red lipstick and then cruise down (hairy legs and all) to the supermarket and do my shopping. Will people stare? Will they gawk? Will I cause a car accident when a truck rolls by, the driver bursts into hysterical laughter and rear ends someone? Probably all the above. But do I then get to come home and say "Why was everyone looking at me"? I suppose I could do that, but, we all KNOW why people were looking at me. You were dressed in drag RIO, walking in the middle of the day into the grocery store, and you are not passable at all. Not even a little bit.

The transphobia here takes my breath away. I can't even find the words.

I don't have time here like I used to so I've only skimmed the comments. I'm just going to quickly share my experiences with this HUGE can of worms.

To answer the original question - At one time I did.

I was sexually abused beginning around 3 - 4 years old until my early teens. My earliest memories of this are of a family member raping me TO Porn, while telling me that one day I would look like the women in the magazines and THEN I'd be "something special". My abusers ran the gamut of family members, friends, neighbors, mom's boyfriends and acquaintances, as well as church leaders. I grew up being taught that my worth was IN my sexuality and without that I was completely worthless. I certainly wasn't worth protecting.

In my late teens and into my 20s I definitely dressed to get sexual attention. It was the only validation I knew. It was the only love I understood. This also led to several date rape situations. I could say no, but men don't take you seriously when you're dressed to get sexual attention... ya know the old "She clearly wanted it... " scenario.

While I'm a totally different person today, I think it's ludicrous to say that NO woman dresses sexy for a mans attention, especially in our culture. We thrust female sexuality at our young (TOO young) women and lead too many of them to believe that they are more worthwhile if they are also sexy looking. I don't know of any 10/12 year olds that choose thong undies or padded push up bras for comfort, yet they are being marketed to that age range... why?? I had to have a difficult conversation with my granddaughter when she was just shy of 11 years old regarding the extremely sexy underwear she was wearing. Turns out that her mother was buying them for her so she would "feel pretty and be popular". Clearly she's not the only parent doing this. Another mom told me she thought it was "cute" to buy her preteen daughter sexy underwear. Luckily for us my granddaughter only needed the safety net of support from us to speak up that she hated the sexy underwear. She switched to sports bras and comfy undies along with sweatpants and sweatshirts. She told me one day that she wore the baggy shirts because she hates the way boys look at, and talk about, girls breasts in school... sigh...

Like I said earlier, this subject is such a tough one. I can't tell anyone here why they dress the way they do, but it's ridiculous to say that NO woman dresses for sexual attention. Heck, I guarantee there are pages upon pages of comments here on SI about the broken WS's who got all sexy looking to attract their APs, or the AP's who dressed sexy to attract WS's...

I now dress for comfort and my own sense of style. That being said, I still enjoy it when my H compliments an outfit, or says he thinks my black boots are sexy, even if I didn't put them on for him.

OK, so here's a question. Suppose you're going to a place where either a) you know the people there have very low self-control (like my therapy center), b) you know YOU'LL get blamed if someone sexually harasses you (like the counselors at my therapy center do), c) or both.

If we're following this idea that you "must know" the type of attention you will receive based on what you're wearing, and the more common experience that says that you're pretty much going to be noticed no matter what you're wearing, here's a question:

As a woman, how can you dress in a way that intimidates people?

I mean, with just clothes, no weapons allowed. Many places don't allow you to carry lethal weapons openly (and even the places that do will discriminate if you're a POC), and carrying around my bokken all the time is fucking tiring. How can you dress in a way that intimidates the shit out of anyone who sees you, so that they'd know just by looking to not mess with you? Since our clothes communicate so much.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:13 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

(((((PeaceLily)))))

BraveSirRobin - definitely agree about the transphobia. I've heard people having similar reactions to one of my good friends, who is a transwoman. They say derogatory things, or say she's only dressing up as a woman to get attention. They harass her and have assaulted her. Some laugh at her. Some say, "What does she expect, dressing the way she does? She's big and manly." Some call her "sir". It hurts so much just writing this down.

She wants to be herself. That's all she wants. She doesn't need people treating her badly because of it. She doesn't go around harassing them because of how they look or their gender. They need to shut the fuck up and mind their own business.

Why should she be the one expected to change in order to accommodate them?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:06 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

It sounds like everyone here will be much much happier when the much-ballyhooed "Gynoids" finally arrive.

What's a Gynoid?

gynoid(Noun) - A robot/android in female form.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gynoid

Then, ALL women will be free to walk down the street wearing nothing but stiletto heels and a smile!

And NEVER a male eyeball will budge.

Why? Because we'll have an army of stiletto-heeled, smiling Gynoids at home that will take care of all of our sexual needs.

Oh, if I'd only been born 50 years later! ;-)

The transphobia here takes my breath away. I can't even find the words.

Is it right? No, it's not. Is it reality? Yes, it is. I have a friend who's trans. Was a friend as a man, and is a good friend as a woman (the only exception, actually, to my "no women friends" rule). But thinking that we're going to go out together and not attract a TON of attention is just, well, "I reject your reality and insert my own". Yes, she attracts a TON of attention when we go out. People stare. People gawk. And sometimes people say something (not usually). Is it right? I'm sure she'd be happier if she didn't, but, the reality is, living as a trans person, you simply ARE going to attract a ton of attention. That's just reality. We can sit and give 1000 reasons why it should't be the case, but, it IS the case and probably will be for the foreseeable future.

"Then, ALL women will be free to walk down the street wearing nothing but stiletto heels and a smile!"

OMG! Really? Ridiculous!

And, cheatstroke, when they invent the male androids with vibrating penises, I guess you guys are out of luck as well.

Because that's all humans are to one another. Genitals. Not people.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 4:33 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

"DD, where do you live?"

Road trip to DD's house! Who's with me?

Ha ha ha!

Road trip to DD's house! Who's with me?

Um, hell yes!

And, cheatstroke, when they invent the male androids with vibrating penises, I guess you guys are out of luck as well.

They long ago invented that. Didn't have much impact on the value of a relationship with a man, because, as we're told here time and time again (and IMHO, is true) women rarely are entering into relationships with men, A or not, for sexual purposes. The same, however, is not true of men; speaking for myself, I entered into quite a few relationships with women to have sex with them. That was the purpose and goal of that relationship, and, yes, if something comes along that's the male equivalent of a vibrator (does the job better than another human, at least for some people), you will see a change in relationships between the sexes. That could be a good thing, it could be a terrible thing; it's near impossible to predict. Men no longer pursuing women for sex sounds great on paper, but, in practice, what does it really mean? If you want to see one possible answer, look up herbivore men in Google. It may not be possible to separate the male drive for sex from the male drive for well, doing f**k all of anything. :) Because if men aren't out pursuing women (or trying to keep a woman) well, they aren't doing much of anything. Sex is a huge motivator for men to succeed, to build things, to invent, to strive for the next promotion, to take big risks. Now, of course, even I don't think "Oh yeah, I'm going to do a startup and get so much sex I won't know what to do", but.. It's there, I can't deny that at least for me personally.

BraveSirRobin - will you be my best friend?

I can't think of one reason we need any men.

I suppose it's true, we can't really expect people to act differently than they choose to. The reality is there are a lot of assholish people in the world, so we should expect it, right? We can be mad, and rightfully so, but it doesn't change their behavior, since the only people we can change are ourselves and possibly the people in our immediate lives...

Oh, and occasionally strangers if we scare the hell out of them when they cross our boundaries.

Hey, as long as people are respectful and stay in their lane, no matter what they're actually thinking, ain't gonna be no problems. But someone, male or female, starts harassing you or otherwise stepping into your space in an unwelcome way, remind them "No Trespassers!" None of us should have to go along with that.

ETA: The part I wish more people would help with, is backing up someone who's being put in that position. For a lot of different reasons, someone might have trouble getting a harasser to stop. That's when it becomes so important to speak up and lend them support. No one should be turning a blind eye - as a community, we have a responsibility to each other to keep each other safe.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 5:35 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

That's just reality. We can sit and give 1000 reasons why it should't be the case, but, it IS the case and probably will be for the foreseeable future.

We can accept reality. We can try to change reality. Or we can do what you did, and mock that horrifying reality as a way "we can make this funny."

I haven't read much of this thread, but I will throw my two cents in. I know for a fact that women dress as they do for any number of reasons. Whether for comfort, to conform with workplace dress code, to impress other women, to get attention from men, it can be any of these things at different times.

However, I get the impression that this thread refers specifically to dressing in a fashion that shows off your "assets". Regardless of the motivation, I'd liken it to buying a Ferrari. You can get one because you like the way they look, or because you like the way they drive, or to impress your same-sex friends, or to impress the opposite sex. Regardless, when you're driving that thing around town it's going to attract attention. People will do double takes, they'll slow down and stare, they may come up and compliment your car or ask you questions about it. Basically, you're going to get a lot more attention than if you were behind the wheel of a Jetta. Now, does that give them the right to touch your car, or climb in, or take it for a joyride? Nope. But by having something that's considered desirable and showing it off out in public, you're going to draw attention. That's just how it is. All you can do is decide if you like the Ferrari enough to deal with the attention when you go out, or if you're going to leave it in the garage and take your Jetta instead.

Ykoga,

I cry bs to your statement that you know of no women who dress to impress me. Perhaps they do t come out and tell you, but come on.

My stbxw used to tell me the same, she didn’t dress for anybody. I do believe her, she never dressed for me!

Going to work, dressed nicely. Going shopping, dressed nicely, going to a ball game, dressed nicely, girls night, dressed nicely and sexy. At home, dirty sweats, t shirt, hair up, bathroom door open. But hey, I’m supposed to love her for who she is, right? Guess all the other people can love her for who she is when she cares.

And, cheatstroke, when they invent the male androids with vibrating penises, I guess you guys are out of luck as well.

Because that's all humans are to one another. Genitals. Not people.

Seriously right? WTF