SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ore Affair - deal breaker.

Post affairs - not a deal breaker.

But he has changed.

Early in our marriage my W said that she would "cut my balls off" if I ever cheated. Had no intention of and always kept it in my pants so it wasn't much of a threat. Fastforward over a decade and she's the one f***ing someone else.

Most of us here never thought we'd be in this club, but for us R has really been the only appealing option and it's been working so far and I'm glad we didn't make a knee jerk decision early. Great advice often dispensed here is to take your time deciding whether to R or D, except in clear cut cases (serial, abuse etc)

IT certainly changes everything...more then you can know for a long time...and nothing feels the same...

They say you have to build a whole new marriage...you are also two different people afterward....I started to ask....whats the point? I thought I was fighting for my marriage...for the life I wanted...I was just fighting the truth...it was over...HE didn't love me the same...and I didn't love him the same...did we even love at all? More damage was caused in fighting...WH did zero work...

I was thinking about this recently...I was in shock..then I would be in new shock...shock started layering....My biggest mistake was, I was listening to WH...I was trying to understand what this means, moving forward...why....and I would wait and listen....when he was still manipulating and gaslighting...at some point, I had to stop listening to anything...and make my own thoughts matter...my own needs matter...what I had to do, to heal... to end infidelity...I look back and its sad....just how long I listened... I did finally find my own voice...I felt so much better...and my demands were important...I thought I could go to my husband, and discuss this very important matter...and it was a mirage.

Infidelity can be a deal breaker...it most definitely is, when zero work is done...and when the goal is to continue infidelity... I was still a wife...I was trying to save things...I still wanted to be married...I was trying alone. I regret that wasted time. Wh was far worse then I ever suspected. IT was always hopeless.

I see some couples succeed ...this new marriage. With changed people.. I wonder if it would have been easier to start new with someone else? I used to think better the devil you know then the devil you don't know...the devil I knew was bad...very bad...I think I will take my chances...My children are grown..they cheer me on..

The hard part is hopium...sometimes the truth is right in front of you....but your hanging onto what you thought you had...and also, when you world explodes into dust, and you had no say...that tilts things a bit.You hang on too long. It was a deal breaker....it was me not seeing it was a deal breaker..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:02 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

I come from parents who have been married now for over 58 years.

My XWW comes from parents who have been married now for around 44 years.

While we were married, infidelity never came to mind as I thought I was one of the “lucky” ones who found someone who believed in marriage and that family was “forever”.

Well, that’s what she said.

When my XWW started her infidelity, she also started the mental-acrobatic process of vilifying me and inexplicably treating me like utter shit.

As horrifically as she treated me, I still did not think it was infidelity.

Upon finding out about it all, I knew instantly it was a deal beaker and that I would be divorcing this woman.

The lies, the deceptions, and how she vaulted her adultery guy to god-like status was so shockingly despicable and sinister that, as much as I wanted my sons to have the family that I had growing up, it was impossible to find any reason to NOT divorce this woman.

When she got my divorce filing, she immediately wanted to fix things, and told me she never wanted a divorce.

There was simply no going back.

I won’t be with someone who would commit such a betrayal upon their vowed life partner, her children, her family, and her marriage.

For me cheating was always a deal breaker. I had a fiancee who cheated me. Obviously no longer my fiancee.

When I finally got my W to confess (I kind of knew already). My W was a wreck and I literally did not feel safe leaving her alone much less with the children. I had a D plan in place and told my W about it. She was near catatonic or bawling in fetal position most of that time, but did not really "hear" me if that makes sense. Her counselor confided in me that she was having ideations and planned to carry them out. Yeah rock, hard place, me.

Enter M with complications . . .I sat my daughter down to tell her that Daddy was going to be living in an apartment. Alone and she would come see me.

I looked at my daughter and . . .I just couldn't do it. She looked so happy and innocent. . .I. Could. Just. Not. Do. It.

After all this time I remember that so vividly. Shudder

It was and always will be a deal breaker for me. I guess that is why I talk about my second M. I did a ton of IC too. I had a lot of pre-conceived notions about what cheating really meant. I read everything. My opinion slowly changed to be more open to R. I saw my M helping most of what I wanted out of life versus the opposite. Stay M for the kids? Yeah that was me.

I do give a lot of credit to my W here too. She really did bust her ass and dealt with a lot of punishment, indifference and threats of a D from me early on in R. I did not allow her bad days without making them worse. I was a real asshole back then . It had to be hard to keep up with her work and trying to show me that she was worth a second chance. The apologies were hard to ignore. She was either an Oscar worthy actress or she was being genuine. Turns out they were genuine.

I guess I took my time. I always assumed I would D when I could do so easier. Co-dependence is a thing and that was me all day long. Once I worked on that then healing really began. I found that grace was very rewarding, not just to the person receiving it, but to the person giving it.

This experience gave me some much needed humility too. I believe in second chances now, but not third ones.

After the first A no it wasn't a deal breaker.

What was a dealbreaker for me was...

- The False R

- Continued wayward thinking/unremorseful

- Continued lying (in other ways not just A)

- NPD tendencies

- WS still has 'all about me' attitude

Pretty much everything that happened post D-day was a dealbreaker.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:48 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

For me it was 100% a deal breaker!

If I’m ever cheated on then bye bye... however things aren’t so simple in reality.

It’s still early days for us but at the moment we are working through it. Being in love with someone and having a baby together does complicate things.

I believe people do make mistakes. They can learn from them... but they can also continue to make mistakes.

Once I will forgive. Twice I won’t!

Agree with everyone saying the deal breaker is more how they handle the aftermath of DDay than the affair itself. I would gladly have given us a second chance.

1. I think depends on how you define dealbreaker. Yes, the A was a dealbreaker. The question then becomes - do I want to make a new deal with my WH? Which brings me to

2. It's not the A - in and of itself - that will cause us to D. It's all the bullshit since dday. Continued disrespect, continued lying, constant ass-covering, lack of humility, inability to follow up, etc. Pretty hard to commit to a new deal with a person who perpetrated such unbelievable harm and still can't seem to find a way to dig beneath the surface.

Oof. Yeah it was a dealbreaker. To the point that I asked WH after DDay “was this just your way of ending the M? Because you knew I’d leave you if you did this.” But then I didn’t leave. It’s still the most surprising thing to me—not that he cheated (which baffled me beyond belief), but that I’m still here. So I try not to say things like “well at least he didn’t _______ because then I’d be GONE.” If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you don’t know until you know.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It's nice to hear others thoughts and experiences with this that have been in this situation.

I guess for me my knee jerk reaction is to leave... up until my feelings of love for my wife come up. I hate that she would ever risk us with something so stupid. I tried so hard with this relationship. I guess that's a part of the problem...I'll never forget the day that I walked into my therapist office completely distraught...she asked me what it was that I was getting out of this relationship and everything I thought I could answer in those moments I knew was completely gone...there was nothing I could say aside from "stability" and even THAT was gone. I remember saying; " I thought that if I kept trying, and I kept compromising, and kept fighting then maybe I could make it work." She was like "Do you hear yourself?"

The codependent nature in our 6 and a half year long relationship had been revealed.

Sometimes I hate I pushed. I hate she took. I hate I gave, and I hate that I love a person ever capable of these things against me. I look at her and it just doesn't escape my mind. I'm disgusted with her at times...many times. I still get the "run as far away from her as you can and get over her" feeling often. As you mentioned, ((ItsNotFair)), only time will tell I guess.

((Coreofsteel))

I'm so sorry you experienced that, I can't imagine on top of infidelity itself. I hope that things have gotten better in your health and in your day to day. Wishing you peace and healing.

This is a pretty tough question and everyone will have their own answer. Before my wife's affair I never really thought about it the first person (how naive). Its so prevalent in society you have to at least consider it but just not for myself. In my mind I always felt that, for many people, it was not a deal breaker, but this would obviously depend on the situation. I think i concluded this because I knew that the infidelity rates were higher than the divorce rates.

When I found out about my wife's affair, even though there was glaring evidence and signs leading up to it I was still got off guard.

I would say (and this is going to sound really dumb) that it wasnt a deal breaker for 'me' and 'my wife'. I say my wife because, even in my darkest hours I never stopped loving her. I always wanted to try to find a way to reconcile. Having two young daughters and maintaining hte family was even more important, but I never fell out of love with her.

Idealistically - absolutely

Realistically - ...well...here I am...at least for now...who really knows the future

In and of itself I don't think so, especially when the couple have a family with children.

...but I found infidelity to be a symptom of a much deeper set of emotional problems, and that many other symptoms involved selfishness, poor impulse control, lack of empathy and lashing out at loved ones.

And the underlying emotional problems are ultimately a deal breaker.