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Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 2:14 PM on Sunday, April 21st, 2019
Let me preface this by saying I logically know this has to be the end. He has demonstrated time and again that he is a liar. But I am struggling greatly. I keep thinking about him, about us. I know I should be thinking about the lies, the hurt, ad the betrayal. But I keep thinking about the good things. The tender moments, the fun. I keep thinking about times with our kids, Easter mornings of the past. It’s like my mind is purposefully torturing me.
I don’t feel strong enough to endure this. I know divorce is a long process. The prospect of facing everyday and knowing I will just be experiencing more pain is unbearable. I just want to stay in bed, where I feel sheltered from the world. Where I don’t have to face anyone. I’m on an anti depressant and seeing a therapist, but it just doesn’t seem like enough.
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 2:54 PM on Sunday, April 21st, 2019
There's a technique you can find online called "square breathing" or "box breathing". Try and breathe through the panic whenever it hits. Find your center, a calm and peaceful visualization, and allow the sadness to pass. Remember that emotions are temporary things. They come and go, like leaves floating down a lazy stream. When sadness comes to visit, we notice it, breathe through it, find our center, and allow it to pass when its ready. It may be a frequent visitor, but like all other feelings, it is in motion, and it will pass if you allow it to.
If you're seeing your therapist infrequently, you might consider upping your visits for awhile in order to get some additional support. Maybe do a few sessions talking about strengthening your internal identity. We wear so many hats throughout our lifetimes, and especially in a long marriage, that we end up needing to bolster up a separate sense of Self when we've experienced a crisis. There's a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson which can help get you started. It will help you understand what's going on in your brain and in your body during trauma.
I remember shortly after my own DDay, a feeling like the path ahead had just fallen away, like it had slipped into an endless void and there was just nothing to grab hold of. But trust me, your future is still there. It's just hidden from your view in the panic of now. If you keep putting one foot ahead of the other, it WILL re-materialize in time.
((huge hugs))
[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:58 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10
TimSC ( member #58844) posted at 3:13 PM on Sunday, April 21st, 2019
Nostalgia is a powerful thing. Remembering the good times you had and understanding that they are done is heartbreaking.
You have to wrap your mind around the fact that this man is no longer the man you married and had children with. He is now another person entirely.
He is a liar and a cheater and he has walked out on his family.
This is your reality now thanks to him. Look forward, never back. You cannot change the past.
You first priority now is to take care of the kids and yourself. He has chosen your path for you.
redrock ( member #21538) posted at 4:43 PM on Sunday, April 21st, 2019
HIP
It’s a form of self soothing to wrap yourself in the good memories and push away reality. It makes limbo easier and feeds the hopium.
You are not alone in trying this technique. First of all give yourself some credit. You didn’t use these feelings to hang around in limbo while he’s frolicking with OW. You kicked him out.
You don’t have to reconcile the man that you loved with the self absorbed manipulative man of today. But for your own sanity you need to keep on being the strong one. Not for him(which is your routine) but for yourself and your children.
You’ve taken some positive steps. Keep doing so. He’s not a safe person to confide or share you feelings with. Draw some firm boundaries. Conversations are limited to kids and finances. Do not spend one more second being the sounding board for his self loathing and pain. Shut that down now.
You’ve shown him he can cake eat. Close the bakery once and for all It starts with one minute then one day and so on. You can do this.
The pain is real. I am so sorry. But so is the path through it. Take one step today. Sending hugs.
[This message edited by redrock at 1:17 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 4:46 PM on Monday, April 22nd, 2019
I made an appointment with the lawyer for next Monday. So here we go. I am dealing with so many emotions. For those of you that have been through this, did you second guess yourselves? Logically ( in my brain) I know this is the only possible path, but my heart keeps interfering. It’s like my heart is telling my brain that I’m being too hasty. But then I just try to think about everything that he has done and get myself back on the path.
My kids talked to him last night. They asked him where he was staying and he told them grandpa and grandmas. I talked to my FIL this morning and he told me that he didn’t stay there last night. More lies....
Thankfully my FIL is supportive of me. He said he knows that I have no choice in moving forward with divorce. And he said to call him if I need help with the kids. (His wife cheated on him years ago...so he knows the pain.)
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:18 PM on Monday, April 22nd, 2019
Do not agonize over your to divorce b/c you were left with no choice unfortunately.
Once the process has started you may feel better b/c you are moving towards an end.
An end of no longer living with infidelity
An end of no longer having to live with a liar
An end of no longer worrying about him
An end of having him be your focus
An end of trying to fix a marriage where you are the only one who is trying to make things better
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 11:45 PM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2019
Here I am 4 days past Dday #3. Sadness still permeates my thoughts. This is certainly not what I wanted for me or the kids. But I take comfort in knowing that I really did everything I could. I gave him everything I had and he threw it away.
After making this decision to divorce, I have experienced a freedom that I haven’t felt with the other DDays. After the others, I still had hope that he’d come to his senses and we’d be able to work things out. This time, I know that's not happening and there is a freedom in that. A freedom knowing that I now longer have to wonder who he’s talking to every time he looks at his phone, I no longer have to worry when he’s not with me or at work, who he’s with, I no longer have to worry about holding my feelings in for fear of his mental instability. I didn’t realize how much of my thoughts he occupied, until I didn't have to think about him anymore. The A and my WH’s behavior were in my thoughts 100% of the time, and now, he’s not my problem anymore. I have realized that over the past several years, probably 5+, joy has been gone from my life and I’m ready to welcome it back:)
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 1:45 AM on Wednesday, April 24th, 2019
You sound a good bit stronger today. I'm glad to hear it. And you're right, you really did go above and beyond to give this guy a chance. It's tragic for him that he can't/won't pull away from this disastrous course he's on. But none of us can reconcile a marriage on our own. It has to be two, and BOTH must want it enough to put in the hard work. And you're also right that it's not fair to you and to your kids to allow this kind of chaos to continue. If I remember correctly, you're a teacher, so you know the importance of peace and stability in the home.
A good day today might be followed by a bad day tomorrow. You've been living this for months now, so I don't need to tell you that infidelity, R or D, is like emotional whiplash. But maybe the one constant you can focus on is turning your home into a haven of calm in a tumultuous world for you and your children. Imagine it becoming a place where each of you can breathe deep and relax your muscles into an unguarded stance the minute you walk through the door. You might not be able to control whatever goes on in the world outside, but your home, your haven, can become whatever you want it to be. And that too, is the freedom which comes with letting a disordered partner go. You're no longer constrained by his input or his drama.
Something to think about.
((hugs))
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10
tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:13 PM on Wednesday, April 24th, 2019
(((HIP)))
You know that what you have to do, and you are gaining strength, and will continue to do so as you build distance. You will get stronger, and stronger, and happiness and joy will return.
((((And Strength))))
Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 2:19 AM on Thursday, April 25th, 2019
So tonight, my WH took my 2 girls, ages 11 and 8 to dinner. During dinner he FaceTimed the OW and her baby. I’m livid. Am I overreacting? I told him, it’s one thing if they know she exists and you’re seeing her, it’s another thing entirely for them to meet her and her baby over FaceTime. I told him I don’t think that’s in their best interest right now. Wtf is wrong with him?
We are 5 days removed from Dday 3, where he lied to us all and told us he was going to the emergency room for blood in his stool, but really went to OW’s house?
I’m so mad right now. I don’t know what to do. And in discussing it with him over text, I’m assuming he turned his phone off, because my last text did not go through.
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:42 AM on Thursday, April 25th, 2019
I am sorry HIP. He is being an idiot. You will have to set clear rules when he is with the girls. They must feel terrible. It is new and he is being so overtly disrespectful.
You anger is totally justified.
redrock ( member #21538) posted at 3:01 AM on Thursday, April 25th, 2019
That sucks. It puts the kids in a terrible situation. What an ass. Be firm, clear and document. Do not expect someone who has made the choices he has to be reasoned and circumspect.
What is hard to accept that someone who may have been a good dad before will do things that harm his kids to validate the story and perspective they are selling themselves and everyone else.
It’s amazing how quick they change stream. Rationalization, self delusion and selfishness is strong in this one. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)
ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 3:43 AM on Thursday, April 25th, 2019
Her baby? Who's the father? I remember you said the OW was divorced, but I don't remember reading any details about how long.
Regarding your WH introducing your children to his AP, you'll need to see an attorney and file. This can be part of your divorce agreement, but I don't think you'll be able to prevent it forever. I wouldn't hesitate to tell him he can't take the children until a parenting plan is in place though. He just got out of the hospital on a mental illness hold month before last, and clearly, his judgment is for shit. Meanwhile, get your kids into a therapists office and start building the case for a more structured transition to post-marital family life.
And on a side note... what an ass!!
I'm so angry for you right now. There just ought to be better laws and more protection to keep people from having to suffer from this kind of abuse.
I'm so sorry.
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10
tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:14 PM on Thursday, April 25th, 2019
Oh honey you need to get a lawyer, like yesterday. You need to draw up an initial parenting plan, and you need to tell him this cannot happen yet.
Please also get your kids in therapy if you can. This is going to be hard for them to understand, and accept. They need a neutral 3rd party to discuss what is happening.
Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 3:39 PM on Thursday, April 25th, 2019
Chamomile,
The baby is her husband’s. I have now found out that for some reason or another, they are not divorced, apparently separated. She is also apparently diagnosed as bipolar. And a my husbands best friend, that is a therapist, believes her to be borderline personality disorder. Whatever, I don’t care. They can be broken together.
Tushnurse and chamomile,
I’m on it! I have an appointment with my lawyer on Monday morning. And a therapy appointment on Saturday. At my therapy appointment, I plan on asking my therapist about help for the kids.
In regards to his FaceTiming the OW and my kids,he said he would respect my wishes for now. He also asked if I would be upfront with him about my meeting with the lawyer and what I decide, since “it directly affects him.” I just wanted to laugh...be upfront, huh? You want it from me, but what about you?
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 4:00 PM on Thursday, April 25th, 2019
Chamomile,
The baby is her husband’s. I have now found out that for some reason or another, they are not divorced, apparently separated. She is also apparently diagnosed as bipolar. And a my husbands best friend, that is a therapist, believes her to be borderline personality disorder. Whatever, I don’t care. They can be broken together.
Tushnurse and chamomile,
I’m on it! I have an appointment with my lawyer on Monday morning. And a therapy appointment on Saturday. At my therapy appointment, I plan on asking my therapist about help for the kids.
In regards to his FaceTiming the OW and my kids,he said he would respect my wishes for now. He also asked if I would be upfront with him about my meeting with the lawyer and what I decide, since “it directly affects him.” I just wanted to laugh...be upfront, huh? You want it from me, but what about you?
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 5:20 PM on Saturday, April 27th, 2019
I have never told anyone this. This isn’t the first time my husband has cheated. Some years back, he was going through troubles at work and was off for a period of time. One day I came home, he was not there, and there was a card addressed to him from an address I didn’t recognize. I know I shouldn’t have, but I opened it. It was from a woman telling him how much she loved him and wanted to make him happy, because she knew he wasn’t happy in his marriage. After confronting him about it, he claimed they were just “friends” and that she misinterpreted his feelings. He said he was committed to me, and promised to go to marriage counseling. As far as I knew that was the end of it. But now I wonder, was it only an EA, or did it progress to a PA? Based on my current situation, he could have been lying the whole time. Ugh....
Therapist this morning. I am starting to realize that for almost 20 years, I have been married to a narcissistic man, that always made everything about him. It’s amazing how much perspective you get, when you step away.
I still love him, but I know now that I have been codependent and enabling. I know that I deserve more.
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 4:46 PM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019
Damn right you deserve more. Believe me, I know how hard it is to not be taken in by crocodile tears and hang-dog expressions. We want so badly to be wrong. But in the face of hard evidence, we have to recognize our own inner co-dependent trying to pull the rose-colored glasses back on, because THAT is where our comfort zone has been.
You're doing the right thing. You and your children do deserve so much more. Everyone does. You aren't any exception to that rule.
((hugs))
oh... and remember that serial-cheating narcs have three channels: rage, charm, and self-pity. Learn to recognize them.
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10
Edie ( member #26133) posted at 10:14 PM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019
Therapist this morning. I am starting to realize that for almost 20 years, I have been married to a narcissistic man, that always made everything about him. It’s amazing how much perspective you get, when you step away.
I still love him, but I know now that I have been codependent and enabling. I know that I deserve more.
This waking up sounds great. 😊
I have realized that over the past several years, probably 5+, joy has been gone from my life and I’m ready to welcome it back:)
I’m so excited for you. This new life, not tiptoeing around that draining ego...but living for you, and the kids.
I do recommend visiting the NPD thread down in I Can Relate forum. Read everything you can about narcissism and codependency, it will stop you feeling any nostalgia. Sounds like you’re doing good work with your therapist. As well as supplementing that with reading, do try to get out, take up new activities, see friends, make new memories with the kids etc - basically, begin your new life and keep focusing on you.
eTA: I’ve just been down to I Can Relate to bump the NPD thread for you but it appears to be closed. I’m not sure why, maybe through lack of recent activity. Anyhow, if you have the time, the thread may be a useful read for you. The old thread had multiple useful resources and info listed, I’m not sure if that’s the case with this one.
[This message edited by Edie at 4:17 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 1:30 PM on Monday, April 29th, 2019
Lawyer appointment today. I am not looking forward to it. I guess it seems to just put finality on everything. It makes it all real.
Again, I know it’s what has to happen, but I just doesn’t make it any easier. Thankfully, my parents came down to go to the appointment with me. Both of them are very finance minded- mom is a CPA, Dad is a CFO, so honestly, I’ll let them figure all that out. They are happy to do it and I’m happy to let them.
Bad news...I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer in fall of 2018 (same time A was in full swing) and now I think it’s back. I have been having extreme abdominal pain. It’s so uncomfortable. Thank you WH, or maybe I should start calling him STBXH...
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
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