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"Are you excited about smoking your meat? Have you picked out something to rub it with?"

"Ummm...I'm just smoking some brisket for the client BBQ next week. I haven't even bought it yet. I won't do anything before Saturday.'

"Oh..."

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"Ooh...Smoking Meat! Is that your late night reading material?"

"No, that's just where I put the book."

"Oh..."

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"You know, I'm just trying to find something for us to connect about. That's why I'm so excited about your meat smoking."

"That's all well and good, but I don't own the smoker, I'm only doing the brisket & chicken for the client event, and you don't eat meat anyway. Why would we 'connect' about this?"

"Oh..."

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You have just been privy to a series of mini-conversations between my wife and me the last two days. She commented on wanting to reconnect with me and trying to do it by being excited that I'm "smoking meat" for a client event that my team and I are having this weekend.

I appreciate the effort. I really do. But there needs to be more thought put into it. I don't own the smoker (it belongs to the parents of one of my business partners). Even if I did own it, we don't eat enough meat as a family to actually even use it. Ultimately, if all goes well, I won't smoke anything else for another year. This isn't something we can "connect" on.

A word to those (BS/WS/MH) that want to connect with your spouse. Don't pick the most insanely obscure thing that may happen only once in a year to connect. Just like connecting with your kids, connecting with your spouse needs to happen in (A) their world; or (2) in a shared world. If your spouse likes putting together puzzles, ask if you can sit and work on it with them. If your spouse likes "antiquing", plan a time to go do it together. Or perhaps you are "foodies"...find the opportunity to cook together a time or two each week.

But don't try to force it. It's like trying to put pants on a horse. You're going to wind up stepping in crap and getting hurt...and the horse is going to get annoyed.

I do find it cute that she is trying to connect over something "different". But if it's so different that it only happens once every 365 days (or just once, period), is it really worth "connecting" over?

Just some silly thoughts for the evening.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 10:40 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

Ohh, I thought she was trying to be coy and seductive? Lol

This didn't go where I thought it was after that first part...

"Ooh...Smoking Meat! Is that your late night reading material?"

Message received LOUD AND CLEAR

You should definitely find a time to “smoke meat” together a time or two a week, at a minimum.

I appreciate the effort. I really do. But there needs to be more thought put into it.

If you genuinely appreciated the effort you would not have dismissed it and then come on here to mock it.

"You know, I'm just trying to find something for us to connect about."

She straight out told you she was making a bid to connect with you, and, because it didn't meet your standard of what you think she "should" be trying to connect with you about, you dismissed it.

She could have just as easily shown no interest in what you were doing at all, and been the way she had been before, right?

In their book "10 Lessons To Transform Your Marriage", by John Gottman and his wife, Julie, they say

Whether a partner wants sex, affection, conversation, or just some help with the yard work, the story is the same: One partner makes a bid in the form of a comment, a gesture, a question, a touch, or a facial expression. And, the other partner "turns toward that bid" with interest, empathy, or support.

While turning toward your partner's bids leads to the growth and development of a loving, caring relationship, "turning away" by ignoring your partner's bids has just the opposite effect. Whether the slight is intentional, or simply caused by mindlessness, continually disregarding your partner's bids leads to increased conflict, hurt feelings, and the deterioration of your relationship".

The bid for connection wasn't about the smoker CR...it was about the conversation.

What I see in that exchange between the two of you was her asking you questions to try and engage you in a conversation and show interest in something that you were doing, and you dismissing her and shutting down the conversation with your responses.

Can you not see that?

Smoking meat really is a labor of love. Long hours with not much to do. My husband has a smoker and does it almost weekly. At least it tastes amazing when he's done!

Captain, have you told her what you have said here?

I agree nekonamida...my H loves to try new things he has heard about with our smoker...and it is always wonderful . It truly is a labor of love!!!

CaptainRogers...I can picture your wife overhearing you talking to someone about the upcoming event...and you may have been a little animated about it...which she probably picked up on. Having a book about it by your bedside probably made her think that you were interested in it. She MIGHT have thought that this was something y'all can connect with at the beginning maybe?

You are correct though in that picking up cues to connect with your spouse should be something they do all the time...not once a year. Y'all will come to an agreement in something...I believe your wife WILL find her way !!!

So, it seems like to me you are a busy man. Lots of kids, and work. The only thing that I have heard you say here that you like is baseball. So does your wife like baseball or know anything about it? My guess is maybe not.

When our kids were growing up (and sometimes still) a lot of our conversations were surrounding them. When we would have an occasional date nite (we didn’t have family here to help) I tried hard to come up with conversations. Our interests didn’t really overlap, I wanted to leave the kids out of it, and it sometimes was a struggle as busy parents we orbited each other during some periods of time.

I sat in the restaurant struggling with if we would ever have anything in common again. If we would grow to be the old people who sat and quietly ate dinner with nothing to say. I have to say it filled me with anxiety at times. Just because I didn’t know how to connect didn’t mean I didn’t just as genuinely and sometimes desperately want to.

Your wife reads here (or at least knows you are here and possibly could pop in from time to time). If I read this from my husband,it would further humiliate me and make it even harder for me to reach out. Especially if O was trying with the best of intentions.

I get that she did this and ignored your bids for a long time. She ripped your heart out by having the affair. But isn’t this what you have been praying for? Telling is you want? Yes, I get why you feel it’s lame but she is trying, practicing, and if she keeps shooting at it eventually she may hit that jackpot of something that you two can discuss. It seems to me that you have hoped for reconciliation—help her connect with you. You may have to consider if you really do want that or not. If it’s just too dead for you. There is no shame in that. But what she was saying might have seemed silly to you but she was trying to do something, and it seems to be tender ground. It’s hard, and awkward but it has to start somewhere. Don’t dismiss her effort, keep feeding it and some things will stick. I have some idea that this was steps towards trying vulnerability out, don’t smack her fingers for it - especially of it opens the door to what you have been saying you want for the last several years. It all has to start somewhere.

Have you tried to connect with her on some level? Or some topic of interest?

I think your point is valid and a good suggestion for BS.

CR,

I think you were a jerk here.

You missed the boat. The John Gorman post OnlyTkme write is 100% dead on.

My parents lived very busy lives running a small business (my dad), running a household while holding down various part-time jobs (my mom), all while being very involved in my life and the lives of my siblings. I watched them as they became almost roommates, living parallel lives in the same home.

Then, as we got older and more independent, I noticed my dad commenting on a topic I'd never heard him comment on before. A hobby. This grew into a shared interest with my mother, a new interest neither had before. It became their shared pastime. This grew into a second interest and hobby/pastime, ballroom dancing. Years of lessons. Now, they are that elderly couple that glides elegantly around the dance floor at any club, wowing younger people who mostly don't know any dance moves at all.

I've found that to be a beautiful metaphor for how married couples need to evolve after the pressures of raising kids. It wasn't that long ago in human culture that people had kids in their teens and early 20's, raised them to about mid-teens or so, then died, often between ages 50 and 60. Now, with people living to 80 and longer, married couples need a new model for the "after" part of their family timeline.

Yep. The Gottman post about bids...

Had you engaged with your wife this conversation could've evolved into something so much more. Maybe you won't smoke meat ever again, but maybe the conversation would've continued on and transformed into many different topics and perhaps, just perhaps, may have ended on a topic that you both connected on.

Your wife made a bid for connection and you blew her off. Now she may retreat back inside herself. And, it may be a very long while before she makes a bid again. Which will bring you here to complain that she shows no interest in you or your M.

None of us is perfect. We all fail to "see" our spouses, friends, family. That's just life - with or without infidelity. Rebuilding a M requires effort from both parties. Your wife has taken a long time to get to this point, maybe you could have shown some grace that she made a bid to connect and reciprocated.

I also agree with OnlyTime.

This post was a bit of a trigger for me. I saw myself, pre DDay, in your wife. I would do things like this. Try to connect with my husband in exactly this way. He would shut me down in exactly the way you shut your wife down. It made me feel awful and inadequate. I can still feel my gut tingling, asking myself what I did wrong and how I could be a better wife. Ugh... (Add to that the fact that he was actively having affairs... And I didn't stand a chance.)

Forget the exact words, Just be appreciative she is turning toward you and trying to engage. This has nothing to do with smoking meat.

CR, I love you like a long distance brother, but I gotta agree with others on this one.

It's not the fact that it's the smoking of the meat per say but maybe that she's trying to connect in any way she can.

Maybe she'll keep trying to connect with every task you have.

Don't belittle her on this and take it for the good sign that it seems to be.

You can finally see an effort by her.

^Ballroom dance lessons were a wonderful part of our reconciliation. Trust me, I could NEVER see my husband trying it as he has ZERO rhythm and it was definitely not his cup of tea. But, we were motivated to take them in preparation of our son’s wedding.

It was better than MC for us. We got dressed up. We had a date night with lessons every Friday night. We went to the same little pub after the lessons each week. It was FUN and it was a time spent away from talking about the affair. Shared recreation is one major step I would recommend to any couple trying to reconcile.

We still can’t do much more than the box step but we still fondly remember that time.

Of course, I’m not saying you have to do BR dance, but find something physical and enjoyable you can do together. You both have to make some of the effort on this.

[This message edited by Ginny at 7:32 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

I'm sorry CR. You have asked over and over for her engagement and interest. You have wanted a connection for a long time. You have wanted her to try.

So...she tries. She paid attention, noticed something new & different, and tried several times for a conversation. I can almost hear the excitement of her attempts, the curtness in your reply and the defeat in her "oh..."

Cap - you can't kick her away and then complain she doesn't try.

I offer the following IF she even trys again - "I"m just doing it for work - and I know we don't eat a lot of meat around here - but maybe we could incorporate the spices/rub I use on something we make for dinner next week - what do you think?" OR "I know briscut isn't our thing but maybe we can modify one of these recipes in the book to suit our needs and try it before I return the smoker" OR "Hey - we do have the smoker for a few days, what do you think the kids would like for dinner"

"That's all well and good, but I don't own the smoker, I'm only doing the brisket & chicken for the client event, and you don't eat meat anyway. Why would we 'connect' about this?"

Ouch.

I'm assuming you do eat meat, and she meant that she was open to learning about the process and even trying it? Or encouraging you to do it more, even if she doesn't eat much? My friend is vegan and learned to cook meat for her H a couple times a week, as a gesture of love.

You were pretty snarky with her, almost like you were mad about something else that you couldn't let go of? (What could that possibly be? Lol) But my feelings would be hurt after this exchange, and I'd be thinking, "He's never going to think I do anything right again." I would feel defeated. Just giving my opinion.

I must have communicated something that I did not mean earlier. I wasn't here to mock anyone's effort. The part of the conversation I didn't relay was where I told her that I appreciated the attempt to connect, but maybe we should try connecting about something that isn't a one-time task, but something that has meaning to one of us because that would produce a real connection. Because her response to that was that she hadn't thought about what would produce a connection, she just wanted to connect.

So, I told her that I appreciated the effort, but connecting deeply over a one time task doesn't work.

This wasn't to offer any judgment on my wife at all, and I wasn't intending to complain about a perceived lack of sincere effort. It was actually a very emotionless narrative of a real event to show that, if you are trying to connect, using a one-time event is probably not the best tool for that job.

Sorry that it came across as judgmental or complainy (new term). That wasn't my heart at all.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 7:50 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Thanks for clarifying, just make sure she doesn't see it that way.

To me it appears she was trying to be fun, and connect in a purely sexual way.

Don't be surprised if she never tries again, because your response probably made her feel like an idiot.