SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Does anyone else have history of a long term affair? My husband swears he did not love her nor did they ever exchange those words to each other. I just can't fathom risking it all for 13 years (he had a lot to risk, community/kids/job), that meant so much to him. He claims it was all an ego booster/escape from reality. Is this possible? Could it have been just that, ego booster, escape? Or is he telling me what I want to hear to keep me quiet (kids, community does not know). to reconcile our marriage (which he proclaims he wants to do). IDK, it is so difficult getting past all of the lies, could he have loved me all the while he was lying to me? He states, he did love me.

WH had 4.5 year LTA

I know there are those on SI who's WS had far longer LTAs than mine.

I have no answers for you - still figuring it all out myself. And it hurts. It is a true mind fu*k.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry for your situation. Of course, he says things to "minimize" his affair. I'm not sure how he's going to do that, I'm actually curious. How can he think this

he swears he did not love her nor did they ever exchange those words to each other.

could "save" him in any way after 13, I have to spell it: THIRTEEN YEARS, this is more than a DECADE of an affair. He must be insane, a betrayed spouse would think. Sadly no, he's not insane, just feels entitled to do whatever he pleases.

A teacher once told me before a test that half of the answer is already in the question. So this

I just can't fathom risking it all for 13 years (he had a lot to risk, community/kids/job), that meant so much to him.

is all you need to know.

I'm sorry, I can't be more positive, but 13 years really is a long time to keep somebody you don't care about around.

Big hug from me and sorry for being direct

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 9:35 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Gently, I recommend looking inside you first. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your H? That's the most important question for you and for all BSes, IMO.

If you do, then look at your H. Is he remorseful? Will he change from cheater to good partner? Did he do anything in the A that is a deal breaker?

Conducting an A for 20 minutes or 20 years ... it's probably always about ego stroking to some extent. It's is always - always, IMO - an escape from reality. So I think your H's explanation could be true.

Because, IMO, my W's A was a fantasy, the fact that my W exchanged ILYs with ow doesn't especially bother me, but that's me. If that's a deal killer for you, so be it - dump him. You get to, and must, decide on your own deal killers.

Lots of us let ILY go. Lots of us don't. You'll be in good company either way - and I bet you'll get support from both sides, whatever you choose.

Alas, you have to decide whether he's telling the truth or not - but you don't have to decide today. You can wait and observe him for, say, 6 months. If he works for R consistently for 6 months, you can enter R. If he blows it along the way, you can call your lawyer and file. You've got that power, my sister.

(((Lorisa))) I'm so sorry LTAs are a different beast in infidelity. IMO WS's that have A's that involve a double life are deeply troubled people. My WS had a 3 year LTA and a previous A in 2008 that I could not get him to admit. Although I've had red flags and other signs over the years. I believe I only know the tip of the iceberg of my M.

I also do not believe WS capable of LTAs love their spouse (at least not in any healthy kind of way). The actions are not loving.

Lorissa,

Our stories are similar and yes, I absolutely believe your husband could be telling the truth. We have a great psychologist that deals with this sort of stuff. He has been a huge help understanding. To answer your question, I believe your husband did love you the best he was capable of. Truth is, he was too broken emotionally to truly love anyone properly. But, what love he did have, he felt for you: he got ego boosts and dopamine highs from her, but it’s no closer to love than a heroine addict gets from heroine. It’s just a few hours of escape from the pain of what is going on on in his head. For my husband, spending time with her became part of the addiction, he made her happy and kept her “fucking” mouth shut a bit longer which relieved his anxiety. What a fucked up web of crap he made for himself. It’s not an excuse or justifiable, but it’s all part of the “work” wayward spouses need to do. If you are trying to reconcile, try not to focus on the length of the affair. That woman literally could have been anyone or many. Would that make it easier? If she was just one of say 13 over all

Those years? Or had he had two short term affairs over 14 years? Or maybe if he had a two month affair in which he left you for awhile and was in “love”? Betrayal is betrayal and yes, Years of deceit is painful but For me, others have even sadder stories. It’s all about perspective and your own emotional makeup. My husband actually would tell himself “at least she isn’t a prostitute”(as if that makes me feel better) ha! She was easy and convenient. That’s all. Had he loved her, he would be gone. My husband talks of his affair as never based in reality and he knew it all along. It’s like getting drunk and having a good time, but knowing you don’t want to be drunk everyday all day. It was just a high. Many people on here will talk about “cake eaters” and how many cheating husbands want a wife to cook, clean, do laundry, and raise the kids while he has his fun. That was not my situation at all. I have never cooked, always had house cleaners, and didn’t do his laundry. He did his own. I haven’t even worked. I just raised kids and enjoyed my life. I still don’t do any of that stuff. During the affair and even now, he usually brings dinner home for me. So what was he really getting from me? A true partner and companion... “his real life that mattered” in his words. No one knows your situation or your husband better than you so asking a question such as the one you asked will facilitate a lot of uninformed “guesses” that others make based on their reality and situation. I won’t venture to guess what’s in your husband’s head and heart, but I will say from what you said, we seemingly have similar stories and I believe your husband could be telling the truth. We can’t demand answers, therapy, work, and introspection and discount the discoveries they are making about themselves. I wish you peace.

Lorisa

Yes, there are many of us here who are dealing with the hell a LTA brings. My WH had one that lasted at least 4 years. I still don't know the true length.

LTA's are especially difficult because they encompass so much time. It is a relationship that was conducted aside from the marriage.

A lot of us can relate to your pain. Thirteen years is a very long time and I understand how you feel. But you're in a good place and you're going to receive much support and advice here. ❤

Lorisa, I am in the same boat as you. My WW had an affair with a guy for 21 years (for when I said “22” in other posts, my apologies, Readers. Bad math.). They were together initially for 3 years, took an 8 year break, then together again for another 18. You referenced the lies he told you, and I have been through that, too. Decades of lies, deceit, gaslighting, talking poorly about you behind your back – all of this is abuse, and I am with you: “How can anyone love me who treats me this way?”

My WW says today that she loves me, but it is hard to overcome the disbelief in my heart for what she says. After all, she admitted to telling the other men “what they wanted to hear”, so how is this different? Am I just another of her “Johns” or am I special to her? You know, like I was on our wedding day? I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I stay because I see changes in her behavior, she will say she is sorry for what she did without me prompting her, and she is the mother of my children, 3 of whom are still in school.

Only time will tell regarding my wife, and your husband. It’s now that actions speak a whole lot louder than words, because words were used to deceive me so she could go hump some guy. What I see is encouraging. What you do with your husband is up to you. Only you are in your situation and know all the details too lengthy to post here, so only you know what’s best for you.

If you decide to ride this out and there is no chance for R, you can exit the relationship knowing you did all you could to save it and have a clear conscience that you made the right decision.

We’re here for you. You are not in this alone.

Thankyou for all of your wisdom and experience on this issue. This surely is a roller coaster ride like no other. One day, all is well with R, the next day, I'm questioning my sanity. There were so many other deceptions during this time in our marriage, such as observing another family devastated by infidelity. I would beg my husband to not do this to our family, too please be faithful so our family would not have to experience this hurt. He loves his children more than anything, but yet even after this pleading with him, he continued his affair for years after those discussions (had so many discussion on infidelity) many friends and family members affected by this. The affair ended when I found their emails two years ago. There were so many more lies such as this one that keep me coming back to asking myself, are you able to move past this deception.

[This message edited by Lorisa at 1:17 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

I would be skeptical of anything my husband told me about always loving me more, always finding me more attractive, etc. Now? Sure, now that you realize that was all just smoke and mirrors. But to claim that he was merrily having an affair with someone he didn't like that much and didn't find attractive, or whatever his excuse is? Well, how does that it make it better?

I tend to think we can trust people who admit their weaknesses better than those who deny them. Like when people claim that they're not prejudiced against others in any way, I'm sure they are kind-hearted people, but the most self-aware people realize that everyone is susceptible to subconscious biases. So it's the people who are brave enough to admit to having biases who are the ones who are doing the work to be self-aware and to grow into more compassionate people.

So if your husband can explain truthfully how he thought at the time and how he sees the error in that now, then I'd be encouraged by that. But if he just claims he always liked you better (like that makes his affair OK?) then my BS alarm would be blaring.

Lorisa here's what Jesus says love is:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud".

"It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs".

"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres".

So I ask you while your H was having a 13 yr affair, this wasn't whether he loved the OW but rather if his actions said he loved you?

Was he kind to you? Is having a 13 yr A with another W being kind to you?

Was he dishonoring you? I would say a 13 yr A is dishonoring you.

Was he self-seeking? A 13 yr A is all about self-seeking!!

Was he delighting himself in evil? I would say carrying on an A for 13 yrs is nothing but evil.

Was he rejoicing in truth? For 13 yrs he lied to you.

Was he protecting you? Again having a 13 yr A with another woman is far from protecting you.

Was he a trustworthy spouse? Living a 13 yr lie is NOT trust.

Let this sink in.

My wife had an affair for three years, more or less, with my best friend. She treated me horribly during that time.

The affair ended, he left our lives, and she turned inward, and committed to doing the "next right thing."

At that point, I was unaware of the affair and would remain unaware until five years after it ended.

Those five years became the best time in our marriage (so far). The last year, since she confessed, has been difficult for me, but I know what we were able to have between us after her affair.

I'm hopeful we will be able to reconcile.

Booyah, I am not at all religious so wouldn’t care too much about what Jesus says. That being said 12 years of Catholic school gave me a ton of knowledge. Jesus said a lot more about love, forgiveness, turning the other cheek, etc. I always find it interesting when the faithful pick and choose what scripture to cling to.

13 years is a long time to lie to your face, manipulate and backstab daily. It takes a lot of effort and planning to pull this off. The people in LTAs know what they are doing can be hurtful to kids, extended families and their spouse but do it anyway. 100 percent selfish.

My exWH did it to me for 2.5 years and I divorced him. He lied, cheated, spent money on her and complained about me putting my career first. I was done and probably looked like Godzilla after D day - fire breathing - town crushing and all!.

My life now is drama free and I do not regret it at all. I am in a place in life where I can support myself, still have a nice house along the coast and date a variety of eligible handsome bachelors (at my age too). My son is 11 and for the most part has adjusted as well as can be expected. I ❤️Him so much.

SAVON, agree on the religious quote..

my WS had an 18 yr relationship with the OW..one yr intense A ..d-day 02 ..OW reached out a year later she missed him..secret friendship(EA) for about 6 yrs ..then PA again..till 4/19.. we are back seeing IC'S , WS has answered all my questions volunteered information ..I hadn't even thought about..this time he is being totally transparent, he was also after 2002 but then it was TT and lies ..just broke my arm.. he is taking great care of me..we are going to Church ..he is listening to the sermons rather than fall asleep as he did before if he went to Church with me.. it is same but different..his IC gives him homework he does it .. must tell me he loves me about 20 times a day..hugs me..he is working on himself..we have a distance to go but right now I am seeing positive actions ..he is being honest, we are spending time together , date nights ,.small steps but positive steps.

he did tell OW he loved her, talked to her daily ..we live a good distance from OW so they saw eachother about 2 times a year ..for a few days ..she fed his ego, played him..gave him what he needed ,told him he was special, caring, good, ..all stuff he didnt hear me say, he took care of her..she was needy , I am not..

[This message edited by dancin-gal at 4:02 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Xhole's longest A was over 15 years (not his only LTA). At the end of the day, his excuses (which were incredibly lame, at best) did not matter. What mattered to me was my feelings about it. Infidelity, whether a ONS or LTA, for me has always been a dealbreaker. Period. Xhole knew this because we had discussed it over the years. My trust was gone. No trust, no marriage.

Now, from HIS perspective, he wanted nothing better than to rugsweep, give me his superficial apologies, statements of, "I didn't love them, I love you," "they meant nothing to me," "I thought you would be okay with it," etc., and stay married so he could illustrate to the world that he was a devoted, loving, committed family man! Classic cake eating at its very best.

Yeah, no. I WASN'T okay with it, I will never trust him again, his very touch became vile, and I refused to be stuck in the role of marital police forever or agree to just "look the other way" while he carried on. He had no intention of stopping.

Bottom line, it doesn't matter what he is saying to you. You must decide what YOU want, and what YOU can live with.

Svon he sure did say quite a bit about Love and This was ONE scripture I decided to pass along to Lorisa. Feel free to share if you'd like to pass along other scriptures.

"Cling to"?

22 year affair with ex girlfriend, our whole marriage. Caught them 11 years ago and thought it never happened again...I was wrong. Restarted 5 weeks later until October 31, 2018...I found out March 21, 2019 when sleuthing for info about the 6 week affair I caught him in on Christmas Eve 2018. I love yous, kissing, planning their lives together, tens of thousands of texts and calls, slept over once at her house. Claims no sex, originally when caught told me her would never stop being “friends” with her and if I contacted her our marriage was over. Told me he did love her but wouldn’t ever leave me...oh joy. He now says he never loved her, just told her that and always loved me. Blah blah... sorry having a bad day but honestly he risked our whole family, caused immeasurable pain to me and my boys for what, some freaking ego stroking and the idea that he was still the man?! Apparently it was an escape from the stress of, you know, real life and marriage. He had no worries etc when talking to her and if we were fighting he trotted off to speak with some one who was “nice to him” Pathetic. I actually do not believe he could have done any of this and loved me all along. Bullshit.

I don’t know your husband obviously but it is the fact mine lied to my face for 22 years that might end us eventually. No matter what he is trying to do to make it up to me, I cannot seem to swallow the deception.

I’m sure this is no help. Sorry. I will be thinking of you and hoping you are ok.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 4:52 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Lorisa, I’m so sorry. What your WH did to you for 13 years!! Is unbelievably cruel. My ex-WH’s main A was about 6 years (that I know if, could’ve been longer). He also tried to tell me the common things- He never cared about her, she was annoying and he’s so glad they got caught so he can finally be free, they never had sex, went to hotels and dark parking lots just to talk. He loves me so much! It’s actually kind of funny how ridiculous it was.

I D him not because of how he might’ve felt about her. The OW is irrelevant. I D him because I completely lost respect for the man. For all those years, he was able to look me in the eye and tell me he loved me, sleep with me, experience years, Years!! Of holidays, vacations, kids’ graduations and illnesses, surgeries, etc etc. while living a double life. Only a person with low character and no integrity could do this to another person.

You and I know that your WH, in 13 years (just like mine) confided in OW about you and your family, shared personal things about you and your private marital life, vented and complained about you. What kind of a sick person is capable of such a betrayal, for all those years? I can’t imagine choosing to stay with a person who could do this to me. I know some BS feel trapped, due to fear, finances or low self esteem. I hope you have some support near you, IC or support group. The pain is excruciating. I’m so sorry. Sending you hugs.

Svon, Booyah was responding to OP.