SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not the victim of a LTA. My H’s thing was years ago. I suspected but was a young sahm so had no financial way of confronting what might happen. I kept my mouth shut until I went back to work. My question came out of the blue and he admitted before he could stop himself.

So take what I say with that info. Your husband cheated for 13 years because he wanted to. He had fun. He got high from the secrets. No one held a gun to the heads of these cheaters. They did exactly what they wanted to do. That lie is what you have to deal with.

I understand why contemplating divorce is so hard. You have blended your lives, your home, your stuff together and the idea of unraveling all that is terrifying. It is your business.

My one question is can you live with this?

My wh had a nine year lta. He said I love you too to her and says he never meant it. He says he loves me the entire time. He also said he felt like he had two separate lives.

Wh has pretty serious anxiety and was on wrong meds that made his anxiety worse. He says he doesn’t understand his actions. What I see is his bubble was busted when I found out and the fun turned to serious trouble and heart ache. He never believed he would ever be caught so why stop? He was getting serious ego kibbles and extra sex, sex with the gear if getting caught which adds excitement. Why would he stop. It was fun, he felt like he would never be caught. He went many years and I didn’t suspect-correction, I did once and confronted and he said nothing was going on and he would never do anything to hurt me or our son, and I believed that crap.

I don’t believe that my wh loved me during those years, he has never waivered that he did. His actions don’t show love toward me during that time, actually it shows the opposite, so I know he didn’t love me. He also didn’t love himself.

In the end, you will come to terms with what you believe. If you feel that he did or didn’t loveyou, that is all that matters. I personally don’t believe any ws loves their spouse during their a, not even a ons.

It is a fantasy but I will say my husband treated me like shit for the last 4 years of his LTA. He told her he loved her daily and she him. They were soulmates. She was planning their wedding. Photoshopped my husband over her husband in her wedding pictures. Looking at it now I see he just saw it all as part of the fantasy. Dropped her ass like a hot potato but only after I told him I was willing to attempt reconciliation. If I had kicked him out he would be married to her today because he ultimately didn’t want to be alone. She just wanted my lifestyle any man would do. She’s still with her BH. From what I hear they decided to rugsweep. I wish you the very best. It’s traumatic as hell. If you both want it you can recover. You will never be the same and in some ways that’s not bad. Unfortunately it’s the dreaded time and both of you wanting it, if that’s what you want. I actually felt completely normal and happy this past weekend.it comes and goes but it felt good.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 8:50 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Hi lorisa,

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. And have joined this club.

I am in the LTA category as well. My husband went to massage parlours for five years and trolled online websites before he went to a prostitute with whom he had a five year affair. Unlike some here, he told me he was in love with her . She was his soulmate, his life love, his best friend. He deserved to be happy.

They talked and dreamed of their wedding, they planned and dreamed of their future together, I was simply The wife he did not love anymore. I believe he hated me, and I am 100% certain that she built on that negative feeling. I did not make him feel important. She did and he loved her for it. He was addicted to her.

I do believe the A is an escape from reality. I also believe that it does make them feel good, makes them feel like a man, gives their ego a Super charge.

Lorisa your WH lied to you for 13 years. Do you really believe that he never once said to her I love you. Is having sex with another woman showing how much he loves you? He did not love you, love is an action. Cheating with another woman is not loving your wife. It is being a selfish asshole.

That said, I do think that you can reconcile. But frankly it all depends on him. Is he doing the work? Is he owning his choices? Is he remorseful each and every day? Is he knocking himself out to figure out what the fuck he did and why? Is he talking to you about it? Is he behaving in a trusting way? Is it making you feel safe, cherished, desired, loved? Is he in counseling? Is he willing to work on your personal relationship? Personally I think you should have no doubt that he wants to reconcile.

then comes the even bigger question - Do you want to reconcile? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? And honestly, it is not a picnic. It sounds like incredibly hard work to reconcile.

It sounds like your husband’s affair is a well-kept secret.A number of people know that my husband cheated. I could not stand lying to people about my husband, I have had Enough lies.I refused to lie to my kids, and my family. We told them that he had a five year affair. No more details than that. I will never lie for that man. Ever.

I am currently in a trial separation. I don’t know what I want yet and it’s been a year. If I am honest with myself there is a connection with him still, but I don’t know if I can live with them anymore. I am taking time to decide this. He knows I have not committed to marriage, And that I am hurt beyond time. I am close to finding my direction. Whatever it is, I will waste no more tears over him. I will love me and I will do my damnedest to make myself happy. He may or may not be part of that equation.

I really hope that you can find peace. You deserve to be loved and cherished. If your husband can’t do that, do it for yourself. Make yourself happy and do what is right for you. Lots and lots of hugs

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 10:02 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Lorisa, So sorry you find yourself here. My situation is very similar regarding WH's LTA and insistence he always loved me and never loved his mistress/girlfriend, although it's obvious they became friends who cared for each other. The entire situation is incomprehensible to me still almost 2 years later, even more so because it took so long to get to the truth.

I do believe my husband does love me and wants to work to save our marriage. I also believe he doesn't do love like regular people.

First and foremost, if you are trying to reconcile, be sure their affair has ended and not just underground.My WH continued his affair for months under my crying eyes until I found proof and went after the OW, scared her away and forced her to tell her husband. She is no longer a factor. If I had a do-over I'd have gone after her day one, not waited until I had further proof of contact. I wish I had been more vigilant and paid attention to little details, like how he looked at his phone when I touched it. I would have insisted on location tracking and full digital transparency earlier rather than later.

I am no longer competing with the OW, but I am struggling to deal with the fallout from the lies, duplicity, secrecy, betrayal, rejection, anger and still crippling heartache. Things are not easy. We are finding moments of grace, love and laughter between the painful discussions and tears. I may not be able to get over his betrayal of my trust, I may not be built that way. I don't know. I do know it's OK not to know everything right now. I'm learning and I'm changing too and I'm making sure it's for the better. The best advice my IC gave me was to take my time; that here is no time limit in these situations. Figure out what is real, then figure out what you want to do, and visualize the future and understand what you want to see in it. All while processing the shock and emotional upheaval. Good times.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

My husband went to massage parlours for five years and trolled online websites before he went to a prostitute with whom he had a five year affair. Unlike some here, he told me he was in love with her . She was his soulmate, his life love, his best friend. He deserved to be happy.

I did not make him feel important. She did and he loved her for it.

Tallgirl, I demand an IQ test for your WH. How fucking STUPID do you have to be to believe it when a prostitute makes you feel important??? It is literally her JOB. I guess he also believes that the Starbucks barista really genuinely is invested in whether or not he has a nice day. And that his fries at McDonald's are lovingly crafted by hand with him specifically in mind. Good lord.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 12:35 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

DevastatedDee,

It is very impressive isn’t it. Is there a pill to fix this? No blue ones! He wonders why I don’t believe he loves me now.

Did anyone read Daddydom’s post on getting to your Why’s. I sent it to my low IQ Wh(y). It is in the Wayward forum.

I read it and cried. Now There is a wayward working hard and changing himself.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:12 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

Lorisa -

My WH's LTA with an ex GF was, in one form or another, our entire M. 10 years of PA.

I don't have advice, other than that, with few exceptions (hello tallgirl - thinking of you!) most WS in an LTA will say they didn't "love" their AP. Mine was in that camp - the "I always loved you even while f*cking someone else" line. There are tons on threads on SI about whether a WS can "love' their BS during the A. For some BS, that seems to matter. Others not so much. I do believe my WH "loved" me as best he could, but that "love" was a f*cked up kind of love, that is/was (?) toxic to me and my emotional well being (kind of the "with love like that, who needs hate?" concept). But, we are all different (and I'm with Phoenix1 in that my WH's lame excuses do not matter so much - what matters is how I feel about it).

I just can't fathom risking it all for 13 years (he had a lot to risk, community/kids/job), that meant so much to him.

Mine too. And if our social circle/community knew about the A, I suspect he'd be pretty well shunned. They ALL believe they won't be caught, we'll never find out, so they aren't hurting anyone.

I do believe LTAs are a different kind of hell. My WH also had an ONS early on, and that pain was nothing compared to the decades of lies that my WH told me over the course of the LTA. It's a complete mindf*ck.

You say your WH 'claims it was all an ego booster/escape from reality." Ok. What is it in him that finds lying to himself and you an acceptable way to deal with THIRTEEN years of his life? What is it in him that felt an "escape from reality" was better than DEALING with his reality? Those are things that he has to figure out - you cannot do it for him. I'm as guilty as the next BS about spending a tremendous amount of energy trying to understand how anyone - let alone someone I loved and adored with all my heart - could be capable of such behavior. Heaven knows I still fall into it. But that is really stuff that HE needs to work on and HE needs to figure out for HIMSELF.

Not sure this makes sense, but what I've come to learn about myself is that what my WH did or did not think/feel during his LTA is not MY primary focus. What matters now TO ME is how I heal and how I want to spend the rest of my days. What matters now TO ME is whether my WH is capable of being a remotely safe partner. Now, WH coming clean about the LTA and all of its gory details (including what he thought/felt) is part of the process of learning to change core character and related flaws that enabled them to spend such a long time living a double life and lying to the person they profess to "love". But - again - that's HIS work. Off the top of my head, this is a pretty gross example, but that work on the WS side is like learning to wipe their own g*ddamn asses. We can't - and shouldn't - wipe it for them.

I think most BS (or most BS who come to SI) really WANT to save their marriages. We want to try to heal ourselves, and to be married to spouses equally (or maybe more) committed to healing and fixing themselves. I think the principles are the same for short and long As... the difference is that a BS in an LTA has YEARS of a gaslighted reality to reconcile and accept.

No matter what, we've ALL learned that our WS are not the people we thought. But I think from a BS perspective, its a LOT harder to understand/reconcile/accept/forgive YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of being lied to. And each of us comes to that in different ways and probably for different reasons.

So, is it possible that he "loved" you during his LTA? Sure, depending on how you define "love".... and is that the type of "love" you (or anyone) deserves? Is it the kind of love you want to put your energies into? Is it possible it was "just" an escape or ego booster? Of course. But is that the kind of coping strategy you want to invest in with a life partner? What do YOU want from a life partner? What do YOU need to see from your WH to remain in the M?

Hi gmc, thanks for thinking of me. I am feeling generally a bit better. The break is calming. Hope you are doing ok too.

GMC I think your comment about why BSs come here is insightful, we want to save our M. And we want to save ourselves too. It keeps popping into my head. We stay to heal, learn, grow, share, help others regardless of whether we R or D.

What we must not do is save the marriage at the expense of ourselves.

T/j.

Jesus said a lot more about love, forgiveness, turning the other cheek, etc. I always find it interesting when the faithful pick and choose what scripture to cling to.

What I find interesting is people's complete lack of understanding for what love, forgiveness, and turning the other cheek truly means.

I loved, forgave, and turned the other cheek while I steadfastly divorced my husband. You see I still loved him, but I choose to love me more. I forgave him because I refused to let his actions define me. Forgiveness means you let go of hate, anger, etc. It does NOT mean you still allow someone to continue to abuse you. And as for turning the other cheek, he's still breathing, that alone shows the depth of how magnanimous I was and demonstrates how well I turned the other cheek and didnt seek out retribution. It just so happens that while I turned the other cheek, I did so while simultaneously walking away from him and his continued abuse.

My WH had a 15 year LTA. It was on and off, but mostly on. He met OW while we were engaged.

They exchanged ILYs and talked every day. She showered him with compliments and complained about how terrible her H is. He too said it was like he had 2 separate lives, the real one with me and the fantasy with her. He claims he never loved her and always loved me. I don’t understand how he never loved her. He had some kind of feelings for her after all those years, it’s only natural that he would. How can there be intimacy for 15 years and no love? I don’t believe it.

I didn’t feel loved by him most of the time the A was active. He didn’t want to have sex with me most of the time and seemed to hurry thru anything we did together to get back to her.

I think if I would have left him he would have ran to her because he couldn’t be alone for a second.

We are trying to R and he has made some big changes. He treats me like he should have treated me all along. Some days I want to be together and happy. I just don’t trust him, or do I think you can treat people so poorly and love them at the same time.

I think about the A and what it did to me over the years (even though I didn’t know it was going on) every single day. It’s been over 2 years since D day and it’s all I think about. It’s a prison that I can’t escape from. It has me thinking that in order to get over it, I may need to get over him and move on. The resentment I have is so hard to live with.

Lorisa, let's assume he didn't love her, that she was just a booty call, a fantasy, an escape. People who want that sort of thing have an option. He could have gotten that from a prostitute. Sure, he would have to pay for it, but it was an option.

So if you look at it in that light, if he didn't have any emotional involvement with her, he was just using her as a free prostitute.

When you chose to marry him, was that the kind of man you signed up for eternity? Someone who was not only going to satisfy his needs with no regard for how it would affect you but someone who was going to do that by using another person? Probably not.

That's why the question you need to be asking is what can you live with? What was your expectation of what marriage was going to be? There is no perfection in any marriage, but there is a basic level of expectation that shouldn't be compromised. Only you know what that is.

Booyah, I am not at all religious so wouldn’t care too much about what Jesus says. That being said 12 years of Catholic school gave me a ton of knowledge. Jesus said a lot more about love, forgiveness, turning the other cheek, etc. I always find it interesting when the faithful pick and choose what scripture to cling to.

Jesus explicitly allowed for divorce in cases of porneia (adultery.)

The apostle Paul thought it better to not be married, but for those who "burned with passion" marriage was better. With the entrants into marriage specifically instructed to minister to each other to reduce the passion need.

Marriage is an earthly institution as well. No one is married in the afterlife.

I do not know if a BS remaining in a marriage with a WS is more or less Christian. The marriage is certainly always subordinate to the faith life of the individuals in it. It would likely depend on the conduct of the WS.

An example would be the first marriage of actor John Wayne. His first wife was Catholic. They had more children. It was somehow decided there would be no further children. Wayne proceeded to have affairs with starlets. His wife divorced him. Wayne married twice more. His second marriage also ended in divorce. He was still married to his third wife at the time of his death, but they were estranged. At that point he was in a relationship with his personal assistant. Wayne's first wife did not remarry until late in life, after Wayne had died.

Presuming Wayne's first wife was celibate post divorce, I do not see how forcing her to continue to be married to Wayne, which includes receiving him as a sexual partner, while he had his way with the starlet of the month, would have been the Christian thing to do. I think she acted correctly per her faith.

As to the topic at hand, we don't need to believe the lying words of waywards. Who cares if they tell you they always loved you and never loved AP in a 13 year affair. Actions speak louder than words, a thousand times louder in the case of waywards.

Thankyou to all of you for your words of wisdom and experiences. It is so nice having this site, thankyou to who ever started this site. I feel as though things are starting to wrap up with my husband, after two years(since D-Day) my daughter just graduated and will be leaving for college in the fall. I believe this is why all of these emotions/thoughts are coming to a head. There were just so many lies. My husband has so many wonderful attributes, he would have been a great partner in retirement. I just can’t continue to look at him knowing what has been done. I do believe he is remorseful, I don’t believe he is doing the work to figure out how he could have lived a double life for so long. Escaping and ego kibbles just does not do it. We were happy in our marriage (I thought)and we had a good sex life. We had a close family that we enjoyed. He had a good job, where the entire community respected and loved him, he was that good guy that all looked up to him because of his strong morals (I’m not kidding about that). He did all the right things, never a rule breaker and was firm with our kids to do the right thing.We, he had so much, but yet he was greedy and chose to have a double life, cake eater. Yesterday he sent me an email telling me that he thinks he never “truly” loved me and that he should have gotten to know me more before we married but he does not regret marrying me and raising our beautiful children together. But he feels we are very different people. He did say he loves me though(just not true love)I’m working and staying in my robe the rest of the time. Having a hard time, like many of you moving forward. Thanks for all of your support. You are all that I have right now.

Thank you again to all of you!!!

[This message edited by Lorisa at 11:55 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Yesterday he sent me an email telling me that he thinks he never “truly” loved me and that he should have gotten to know me more before we married but he does not regret marrying me and raising our beautiful children together. But he feels we are very different people. He did say he loves me though(just not true love)

He said that to you?!?!

What a flaming selfish ass he is.

Hugs Lorisa I'm crying for you.

Hugs to you, so sorry that now he says that to you, sorry how much it must hurt to hear him say that.

You have more than you know. Your daughter is at an exciting time in her life, celebrate it with her and you'll be glad you did, and glad for the distraction. I've been stuffing my grief while helping my daughter through a breakup, a stressful transfer year, depression, weight gain and a grueling moveout marathon to bring her home for the summer. The stress is palpable, but I am getting lots of hugs from her and so happy to be able to help her and relieved she doesn't know anything about this. We are working on fitness and nature walks together and as frustrating as a messy college kid can be for a stressed household, I'm grateful. I have several friends I lean on too, and my sister. It took me a year to tell and that year alone was the worst of my life.

Do you have others to confide in? Have you crossed the IRL divide with any support here? I hope you have options in addition to the wonderful support here. Please don't feel alone. Remember to breathe. I'm sending you hugs and hope and strength.

Hugs Lorisa, I think your husband is a mess. i am so sorry for the pain you are in.

If this is how he feels, at least you know. It is clarity and you can decide your next stepsanddirection Please think of you and your health. Be kind to yourself.

Please keep posting.

Lots of hugs.