SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I started dating in May of 2002 in August 2004; we had sex for the first time as I was her first. For many years I have walked around thinking we have had a great marriage, with our problems but stable.

I felt we had had a great sex life as my wife is continuously teasing and initiating sex. I was under the impression I satisfied her. I never felt giving her pleasure was a problem.

About three months ago, after having sex, I woke up to my wife moaning and calling Raymond one of her coworkers as she was touching herself. I waited angrily for her to finish and then popped up asking her why she felt the need to do that besides me? If I didn’t satisfy her to let me know or least tell me what she wants so I can try to fulfill that need.

Also, if that isn’t what she wanted, we have a guest room because listening to my wife call out another man’s name in our bed made me uncomfortable. She only laughed at me and told me I was dreaming.

I guess as the days went by I became more suspicious of an affair so I hired a private investigator because instead of helping me understand the issues so we could work through it my wife would just become argumentative and shut down.

After about six weeks he said there was no affair but daily flirting at work with three separate black coworkers one of them was the one she was calling out that night. The race wasn’t an issue, but I am white, so it made me ask the question is my wife’s interest only in black men. Could that be the reason she wasn’t being satisfied? Was she fantasizing I was a coworker when we were intimate? This only drove the anger and jealousy.

I decided to dig deeper, and one night, I grabbed her laptop and cellphone and looked at her search histories. To my surprise, it was 100% black naughty stuff, not even one other race for nearly ten years. I’m not innocent, and yes I have searched specific sites, but I search a little bit of everything, but she had 0 deviations. I repeatedly verified but nothing except black.

I became even more suspicious, so I started reading my wife’s diaries that were hidden in the closet. I know I shouldn’t, but jealousy and anger are driving me insane at this point, especially when she refuses to address the issue. I wasn’t surprised as I was already aware from the PI’s pictures and videos that her and at least two dozen black coworkers over 12 years were aggressively touching one another as she works in a large multi-floor hospital. She had identified a coworker on nearly every floor and based on her floor and assignment. She would chase them down by messaging them through Facebook, trying to find out where they were during her 12 hours overnight shift.

She would discuss in great depth how they would be very touchy with each other. She also wrote how this would excite her, and she would have to pleasure herself nearly every shift in supply closets, break rooms, parking garage, and driving home after work fantasizing about these coworkers.

While reading the diaries, I recognized a lot of the names except one; all are black. My wife would describe her feelings, emotions, and excitement towards these coworkers throughout her diaries. Several of these “crushes,” “profiles,” and “preferences” as she would call them.

She also stated that she might be in love with at least five of them. Do you think my wife is married to the wrong man? Would it be better to divorce as I want her to be happy? What are your thoughts? What should I do? Do you think my wife’s real sexual preference is black men and I should accept it and move on with my life?

Her preference is men she is not married to.

Race is not the issue. Her fidelity in the face of flirtatious coworkers is.

She may think that masturbation in broom closets after handsy flirtations with co-workers is being faithful, but you know that

it is not. We all know that.

Confront her and make your demands!

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:23 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

I suggest that you go to marriage counselling.

The thing that bothers me about this post is The focus on race. Your wife is fantasizing about people she is not married to. Simple

I agree that race is not the issue, infidelity is the issue.

However, if I found out that my spouse was having inappropriate contact with at least two dozen different people, and each and every one of them happened to be of a different race than me, and the same race as each other, I would be confused as hell about that too.

Racial preference might be one of her "whys," especially considering that you found references to these "preferences" in her journals. Not to mention the clear preferences in her internet search history. It is still not an excuse for cheating on you, there is no good reason to cheat, ever.

The issue you need to focus on is the infidelity, yes. But I understand your desire to understand her preferences.

Also, I feel it must be noted, her "need" to masturbate daily during her work day, in all manner of public places including even while driving, is pretty insane. That is something she needs to be addressing, regardless of the race of her objects of attraction.

I think it sounds like she is into black men. I mean, if all of the porn she watches involves black men exclusively, and all the men she is sending inappropriate messages to are black, then that's a reasonable conclusion.

And of course it bothers you. If a BW found out their husband watched nothing but granny porn, one would assume their husband liked older women.

Honestly I get why you are focused on race here. It seems to go beyond preference. From what you describe, she’s fetishizing race.

Her behaviour sounds disturbing. She’s going after men on social media, “profiling” them whatever that means, aggressively touching, and then masturbating in the closet. Even if it’s all consensual, she’s targeting these men. If the genders were reversed we would all be talking about how creepy it all is.

This isn’t about her being satisfied in your marriage. There is something bigger going on with her.

From what you describe, she’s fetishizing race.

Her behaviour sounds disturbing. She’s going after men on social media, “profiling” them whatever that means, aggressively touching, and then masturbating in the closet. Even if it’s all consensual, she’s targeting these men. If the genders were reversed we would all be talking about how creepy it all is.

Slowlygoingcrazy, excellent point! Agreed 100%

It reminds me of men who fetishize Asian women. They look at Asian porn, will only sleep with women who are Asian, frequent Asian massage parlors for happy endings, some even go so far as to pay for mail-order brides.

If a BW found out their husband watched nothing but granny porn, one would assume their husband liked older women.

Agreed. Assuming that she has a racial preference isn't really an assumption at this point, the evidence is pretty overwhelming.

What are your thoughts? What should I do?

Honestly stackingjp, I think you have more than enough evidence to confront. And it does sound like D might be the best option for you here. At the very least, she needs to be confronted, then agree to go to IC to figure out why she has such an intense fetish as well as masturbation habit. Even if the race issue wasn't part of this, her obsessive need to masturbate in public places would need to be addressed.

I know this might be a sensitive question, but what race is your wife? If she is not black, she may have an overwhelming attraction to black men, but has been told that she shouldn't. After leaving my XH, I found out that he has been telling my step daughters that dating black men is bad, that they would likely contract STDs, and that they would be considered "damaged goods" to white men if they found out they had slept with black men (yet another reason for me to distance myself from him, but that's a story for my own thread, not here).

I bring this up because your story rang similar alarm bells - is it possible that this is something your wife is grappling with? That she might have been taught that dating/sleeping with black men is somehow wrong/dirty, so she feels intense shame for feeling attracted to them, but can't help it, so goes to great lengths to hide these desires and is acting out?

And I'll emphasize that I absolutely do NOT agree with those sentiments, but racial prejudice is definitely passed down within families. It also could absolutely not be the case. Not that this excuses her behavior towards you, it absolutely does NOT. No matter why she fetishizes them, the fetish is the issue. But figuring that out might go a long way toward understanding.

Not that I think you should necessarily waste time trying to understand her fetish. Your focus should be on you. But I also know that often the advice to BSs to focus on themselves falls on deaf ears. We are often desperate to get answers, to fill in the blanks and make sense of our world that has just been turned upside down. I completely understand the impulse to dig for answers. I did it for months, and still do it sometimes when I can't seem to get my mind off of it.

So maybe that is a question that might help you start finding some of those answers you seek. BUT, I would not hand that to her as an explanation. WSs will latch onto whatever excuse they can to justify their behavior, so don't hand it to her on a silver platter. I would just lay out what you know, and when she tries to deny it, as they all do, just insist that you know what you know, it doesn't matter how you know because you can't un-know it, it happened, and her denial of it will not make it un-happen. Then see what she says.

sounds like she's a sex addict for black men.

that may be "incurable".

you really have to evaluate if this is the woman for the rest of your life. whatever she really wants, it has little to do with you.

she's with you for reasons that are not apparent. we wouldn't know. she'd know and you might know.

she's gone deep into SA land with all that self pleasuring, everywhere after fantasizing.

I'm a white man married to a black woman. Before marrying my wife, I dated quite a few black women. I learned a thing or two about interracial dating. One of them is that there are white people who have fetishes for some other race, which is in my mind a kind of mental illness.

I'll use myself as an example. Like most men, my initial interest in a woman is usually visual: do I find her attractive. I happen to find black women more attractive in general, just like some men find blondes more attractive, etc.

But the next step is getting to know an individual human woman who happens to be black. In other words, I don't fetishize "black women" -- as in, I want to be with "a black woman". That is racist and sick.

Instead, I have been with human women, many of whom (but not all) were black.

I say that because it sounds like your wife may be fetishizing "black men". It's as racist as the person who demeans or assaults black people. It is a view that they are something other than simple human people.

Well said Butforthegrace!

She sounds so very immature.

Regardless of what race she may be finding attractive right now, she is cheating and sounds like a serial cheater.

Don’t worry about whether she is cheating because she may be preferring a specific race, concentrate on the fact that she is cheating at all. She isn’t a safe partner for you.

This is a really interesting thread... piqued my interest for sure....

I’m African American (East African, Egyptian, Haitian/Creole).. odd complexion (not too dark but not too light) and almost almond shaped eyes. I attract a lot of Caucasian men most of which just want to sleep with me just say they slept with a black woman. It has nothing to do with them wanting to be in a relationship, I would be just a notch on their belt. I’m more or less someone they “can’t have” “shouldn’t have” I’m “taboo”... (yes a few have actually said this to me)... I wouldn’t be someone they can take home and introduce me i their families... a “thrill” “nothing serious” “something different”... and then there are others who are not like that at all...

Anyway,

OP I think this might be your Wife’s mindset... the “taboo”.:. “Something forbidden” “Something naughty” “strange”... she is 100% fetishizing. It’s crass and disgusting, but she is... she won’t leave you for the black men she’s flirting with and fantasizing about... too taboo. Those aren’t men she can take home and introduce to her family... they are a THRILL. Something she probably has dreamed about wanting to

do...

I seem to speak dispassionately about this because it’s all around sad, but so common. A lot of Caucasian women and men want to see what “it’s like”...

Honestly I think you are married to the wrong woman.

I knew when I was typing this up some would instantly assume this was about race because I am white and her affair partners are black. This is the furthest thing from a black and white issue. A little back story about me on August 17th, 1973 I was adopted by my parents (Hispanic) and (White) in April of 1975 they adopted my brother (Black) and in 1981 my sister (half White/Hispanic). I grew up in a very diverse home... we accepted each other at home there were no color issues. To be honest it was only brought up by parents when we were confronted by others in public who had issues with it. My parents taught me many things in life but racism wasn't one of them.I have talked to my sister and brother about this issue and both of them share my feelings....After graduating from High school in 1990 I joined the Military and served for 12 years. I have lived with (in the Barracks/Apartments) and been deployed with every race their is. Many of these Men and women are still my closet friends, something about the Military's ability to unite the races... I really wish would transfer to the civilian world. I could care less about color if her searches and fondling were with green men I would have the same concerns. My sister married a man to satisfy our Dad....she is now and has always been gay. Didn't matter how long she was married it never changed and she could never fine happiness with a man. It wasn't until our Dad died that she divorced and began to smile again for the first time in a very long time. I don't want my wife to feel the same way...if I am the wrong one I can accept, it won't be easy but i will learn to over time. I am more worried about our kids... I am disappointed that she hid this for so long as communication and trust is very important to me especially trust it isn't something I do very easily.

[This message edited by stackingjp at 1:31 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Stackingjp, I understand why you are asking this question. It seems like most BSs, after finding out their spouses are cheating, try to logic out why they are cheating. It's common to focus on the affair partner(s): They are better looking, better at sex, younger, older...the list goes on. It's about comparing ourselves to the AP to try and figure out why we come up short, where we were failing. It's a natural reaction to trauma. Why me? What caused this? What if I had done something different?

The fact is that this is not about you. It's not about what race/age/size you are. Your wife cheated because of who she is and issues she has.

Maybe your wife does have a fetish for black men. It doesn't make a difference in the big picture.

She is breaking her vows to you. She is lying to you. She is cheating on you. It sounds like she has a very unhealthy view of sex. She is spending way too much time obsessing over sex. Even at work she is going out of her way to flirt with/have physical contact with men to the point where she is sneaking away to masturbate. She thinks she is "in love" with five other guys. She's failing at all aspects of her life right now. She is failing as a wife. She is failing as an employee. All because she is focusing on sex in an unhealthy way.

Your goal right now, first and foremost, should be to remove yourself from infidelity. That may be as simple as confronting her, but don't count on that. You may have to divorce her to get out of infidelity. If getting yourself out of infidelity is your goal, you need to make a plan to do that, and then execute your plan. What is your goal?

Don't obsess over the affair partners, or why your wife is choosing those particular individuals. Your wife is the problem. She is betraying you. You need to figure out how to get that dysfunction out of your life. You may be able to do it while staying married to her, or you may have to separate yourself from her. Only time will tell.

Detach emotionally from her. Look up the 180 in the articles section of the healing library. Figure out what you want for yourself, and then pursue that.

Being the victim of betrayal is hell, emotionally. You will be okay in the end. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You didn't ask for this, and shouldn't have to be dealing with it. But here you are. What do you want, and what is your plan to get it?

I think that what needs to be addressed as soon as possible is what her diaries had within... specifically in terms of masturbating in closets at work. She might be a closeted SA (sex addict) and if that doesn't get addressed and worked on, nothing else will have any sort of effectiveness in the long haul.

I'm not sure how you would go about having that discussion to begin with, as her knowing that you went through the diaries could cause her to shut down and focus on her bruised pride more than what is the actual issue at hand... others that are here can give way better advice than I.

I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through, Stack.

Black, white or green - your wife has been repeatedly unfaithful.

You have proof in many forms.

The ultimate question is what are you going to do?

I knew when I was typing this up some would instantly assume this was about race because I am white and her affair partners are black. This is the furthest thing from a black and white issue.

We can only respond based on what you post. From the post, it is a black and white issue, but it does not pertain to you. In other words, I don't think you are the racist one. It's your wife who is racist. Any sort of race-based fetish is a form of racism because it dehumanizes other people on account of their race.

Stacking, is your WW still intimate with you? Has there been a steep drop in intimacy or any changes?

Prior to me finding out we were intimate 2-3 times a week... after finding out I tried once but my anger wouldn't allow me. She is constantly pushing me for intimacy but I have lost all interest with her. I sat down with her last night and showed her the pictures and video clips she denied everything and said that she saw them nothing more than friends that I was losing my mind over a "fxxxing dream". She continued to tell me that there was nothing there and I was wasting my time....I just wanted to go upstairs grab her diaries and slam them on the table. I know I can't lose my temper and they are somethings that can be fixed in counseling but I feel preferences and attractions aren't... that is who we are.I could care less who she dates/sleeps with if we weren't married as long as they treated her right but we are married with a family and if this is what she wants in life then treat me with respect and file for a divorce or be honest with me so we can begin the healing process.

[This message edited by stackingjp at 1:51 PM, July 5th (Friday)]