I think you need to look at the "empty nest syndrome" by itself before attributing that solely to infidelity
I also believe this is true. Empty nest was one of the parts of a multi-faceted crisis I was having when I turned to having an affair instead of trying to understand what was happening to me.
Having kids distracts your attention from both yourself and your spouse. You may have a harmonious marriage, still have sex, etc...we certainly did all that and made date night priority while they were at home for most of the years...but you go on a lot of feeling like you know the person beside you throughout the child-rearing years. You take that for granted when in all reality we are all slowly evolving and changing. You lose track of the others internal world, you feel less seen as do they.
For me, empty nest was a rude awakening that I didn't even know myself or what I wanted. I just knew I was done sacrificing so much of myself because I wasn't needed in that way. And that led to a lot of stages of pain, discomfort, disorientation, etc. Looking back I wish I would have seen that as a signal that my life needed to adapt, I needed to reassess, and I needed to use this new found freedom to get closer to the man I was married to and spend time getting to know each other again as people who aren't busy or interrupted with day to day kid stuff.
To me, though some of what you guys are saying is kind of sad. It isn't that I don't believe that divorce couldn't be on the table at any time, that my affair could still lead to that path. I understand that even five years down the line he could decide it really just broke things for him.
One thing I have read about trauma is that it puts you in a state of constant self-protection. And, I don't know if those of you with little kids will continue to stay in that state long term or not. But, if you do have a spouse on your hands that you truly believe they can be different maintaining that self protection long term to the extent you have it now is robbing yourself of a lot of the better and richer things in life.
Personally, I can understand why any remorseful WS would really stay and try despite the trials and tribulations of R. But, the BS is doing it with the person who traumatized them. Making that decision to stay seems to me like it is a monumental one and a lot harder to understand. But keeping from really going back fully in the marriage is really not a consequence just to the WS, it's a consequence you are paying for their actions. I am sure many of you already understand that. But, a life sentence, or even a 10 or 12 year sentence to keep your family in tact while you can't really relax ever again...I am not sure that's a consequence we feel.
I had a really smart BS tell me yesterday that my H has released a debt, what good does it do to go around trying to still pretend it's owed? He made a lot of points about forgiveness that I never thought about before. So, I can go around in this discomfort that my H says he is not in. Am I helping anything? No. And, I think that what you all are describing is the same thing on the opposite side of the fence.
I get it all boils down to trust and vulnerability, and I know why you would not want to return to that completely. I get that the WS destroyed that and often in the most horrific ways. But, why stay in a marriage that you never intend to try and restore that for your own sense of peace long term? It's hard to fathom really. And, it has nothing to do with feeling entitled that my husband does this, or that I am owed. It's more I wish it for HIM. I want him to be happy and feel free again. I can only help him get there so much, he has to do the rest. And, yes that's where grace and faith step it.
I think at some point many reconciling WS realize that marriage is fragile and we can't control the outcome no matter how far out we get. If we got a divorce it would be very sad indeed, and I would know I broke it. But, I can't go around feeling like the shoe is dangling and waiting to drop. Otherwise, I will self protect myself out of rebuilding the marriage I proclaim to want. It sounds like there are many BSs who live out their days waiting for the other shoe to drop and while I understand why, I am not sure I understand why you chose it.
Everyone is different, it's easy for me to say some of this because there aren't kids still at home either of us have to stick it out for. But, honestly, your kids can feel it...you are modeling marriage for them day to day. You can be as civil as anything in front of them but they pick up on undertones and they are sponges. It may not be the noble option you might think. I get there are finances and all sorts of stuff that keeps in the reigns so it's not like I don't understand it is more complicated for many.