SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lies, I disagree with your statement. I acknowledge it’s never a good time to break up a family, but is it better when they are in high school and have to shuffle between homes? Should a BS have to wait another 4 years suffering because their spouse decided to fu*k someone else? Was I cruel because they were just starting out in their lives and career when I did it ?

Likewise I disagree. The BS always has the choice to D when they are ready. The WS broke the contract.

Some of us are with Narcs and that is a whole other web to get out of.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:19 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

I also disagree, for either spouse. Divorcing when they’re young adults and no longer dependent children is a lot better than divorcing when they’re toddlers like mine.

Not that I'm planning on leaving as soon as the kids leave home (although sadly, I wouldn't put it past WS, given the previous extent of lies), but this really winds me up:

why can't the BS be honest about this? Seems to me it would be more lying in the marriage, why contribute to that?

WS has been dishonest for 20+ years. I was always honest when I felt we had a problem. He wasn't, and this contributed greatly to his EA of years and subsequent exit PA of at least 2months. Why would I now want to be as open as I was previously, when he wasn't, and still isn't? I can't trust him not to screw me over after the kids leave, based on his past behaviour and lack of self initiated work.

Seems to me that a big consequence of the WS A and lies is that the BS is going to be less open, about a lot of things. And that is only natural. A WS shouldn't expect the previous level of openness and consideration as they had preA.

Seems to me that a big consequence of the WS A and lies is that the BS is going to be less open, about a lot of things. And that is only natural. A WS shouldn't expect the previous level of openness and consideration as they had preA.

I like this answer.

If my three children weren’t young and were in college, I’d never give my spouse a chance at R. No way. Life is complex and we have to sometimes make sacrifices for the greater good. I have stayed for my kids and if my wife can prove between now and them going to college (finishing school cause I don’t know if they will all go to college) that she can be a good partner and trusted again I’m out.

I guess my WS actions are not going to influence the kind of person I want to be - honest.

I have zero problem with BS playing nice with WS then divorcing when the kids are gone. Don't like it? Don't cheat.

I have low tolerance for divorce where infidelity and genuine abuse is not present. When it is present, I give a wide birth to the victimized spouse to do what is best.

At this point, I am staying for the kids, more than any other reason. Finances also have been taken into consideration.

My youngest just now started kindergarten. It's gonna be a long time until our kids are out of the house. I'm not saying that I will certainly want to get a D at that time. Maybe in the next 12+ years, our M will get better, to a point where I don't want a D. Maybe after the kids are gone, we realize that they were all that was holding us together, and we split. But as of right now, D is just not an option. I am not living in constant misery. WW and I get along fine, sometimes even pretty well. I don't feel like "staying for the kids" is a prison sentence or anything... it's just what needs to be done.

We are 3 years from DDay. While I'm not 100% healed, I don't really think about the A all that much. I don't really think about it as something she DID TO ME... it's more of something stupid she did to herself, and that she has to live with. She participated in destroying his marriage and ruining his wife and kids' life. She forever changed our marriage, and turned her happy go lucky husband into a man that doesn't trust anyone and is generally fairly pessimistic.

If I find out she cheats again, or that there's more to the story than what she has told me, then I am 100% done right now. No waiting 12+ years... I'll take the financial hit and be the best darned weekend Dad anybody ever saw. But for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time, and trying to live my best life and be the best father I can.

I have many many years until my youngest graduates HS, but I am 99% sure that I’ll be divorcing once that happens. I think my H would be content to drift along in our shitty status quo until death do us part, but I say fuck that shit.

Darkness Falls, you seem to be in a rough spot lately. You doing ok?

I totally get this, I’m much more likely to D now than ever before, even without further infidelity.

I’ll be completely honest here, the first time I was a fool for not leaving, the second time we had kids and I stayed for that, this time I stayed for financial reasons... not a chance in hell I'm paying support based on my current income to a SAHW.

Well now she works full time and once our current debts are paid I’m quitting my industrial job with all the overtime and will only work 40 hour weeks max, then I don’t care as she will be making as much or more than I do.

Look at some of the replies by the BSs that are supposedly in R:

A WS shouldn't expect the previous level of openness and consideration as they had preA.

It will forever be a possible dealbreaker.

Sword of Damocles? Forever considered less? These don't sound like loving relationships where both partners are valued equally. This sounds like punishment. Pass.

Until the youngest goes to college!!!! 10 years!!!!

I had to get out for my sanity. It's better for my youngest to experience co-parenting than to live with a cocky, gloating, unremorseful cheater dad and a completely destroyed, batty, emotionally cracked mom.

Oldandbusted,I can understand why a WS,like yourself, would feel that way. I also find it interesting that the only one you offered compassion to,on this thread, is a fellow WS who says she is basically doing the same thing as several of the BS who responded on this thread.

Of course divorce is always on the table. For both spouses. That's not punishment. It's life.

And, you are correct. These aren't relationships where each spouse is valued equally. The WS has already shown their BS just how little they value them.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:35 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

^^^^^^^^

But the only reason I can think of to stick around, is because you want to be with that person, they really want to be with you.

^^^^^

Staying for the kids, staying for financial reasons, etc. Makes for bad marriages not R. Imho.

Cheating is always a deal breaker in any M. If both the bs and the as work on themselves and then choose to be together, then, I think, there can be true R and create a mutually satisfying M.

I have also been privy to conversations with a group of women where 4 out of 12 are happy in their M. I'm just grateful for recovery in mine because, it seems, the majority of marriages are not very "happy." I think the same may be true of single people, too. Of the single people I know, more are unhappy being single than are happy.

Perhaps, this says more about an overall happiness factor than whether or not people are going to stay in their M.

I have 3 kids. I had them to raise them, be intimately involved in their lives. Not just 3 nights a week, 7 nights a week. Thanks to my monster of an ex, it is 3. Plus I pay money into her household so she can be a SAHM still with her AP, whom she has married.

I would give up a lot to not have this situation. People who want to stay for the kids are entitled to do so. Walk in my shoes.

^^^^ What HellFire said.

sunwillshine,

Completely agree. And to add to your stats, being single for me sucks about 20% of the time but is fantastic the other 80%.

Please don’t take my comment above as one that means I’m unhappy, because I’m not.

In fact I’m quite happy with our current situation, however I am a realist.

I view R as a goal that we will forever be striving towards, but never fully reach...once you stop moving in that direction you have failed. (Much like humility, once you think you’ve got it, you’ve lost it)

I have simply decided that while on this path towards R that I am applying things I have learned here, like self care etc.

I come first in my life now, no longer is she or the M a higher priority than myself, and in that I have strategies for my future should they involve moving forward after a D, nothing more.

Our kids are grown, we both have careers, and I’m looking to reduce my work burden and spend more time on hobbies.

As long as she is happy with that, so am I...if she decides she isn’t, she can go.

you are correct. These aren't relationships where each spouse is valued equally. The WS has already shown their BS just how little they value them.

and the WS should be punished forever for this?

I'm with oldfire.

completely get the dealbreaker thing. completely get staying for the kids. But be truthful about it.. what is the point otherwise?

[This message edited by sewardak at 4:55 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]