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Today is our 9th wedding anniversary. Next week will be our first d-day anniversary. I fucking hate it all so much. 9 years of a sham marriage is what it feels like. I am feeling like total shit so let me rant and bitch and vent.

For 8 years I was married to a woman I loved who doesn't actually exist, and now I've been married 1 year to my actual wife, the one who is is a liar and a cheater and fraud. The one who now is growing into herself, and making such important changes and improvements, and now has the awful weight of her lies lifted from her conscience. Like she was carrying a baton made of dog shit and passed it off to me a year ago. Lucky me.

I think back to my wedding and feel such disgust, now that I know what was actually happening in my life at that point.

My wife's affair was a few years before. The lying to my face and gaslighting was ongoing.

Her flirtations and near-misses with other men continued up until our wedding, and probably past it, who knows.

One of the men who she confided the truth of her affair and who subsequently propositioned her was at our wedding, looking on with bemusement I'm sure. Probably thinking how much happier he could make her, or at least what a great fuck she must be, or how hot she looked in her wedding dress. My wife would have liked that thought.

Another man who she had developed a crush on and spent nearly every weekend with at the gym she wanted to invite, but I put my foot down and said no. I didn't like him, had a bad feeling about him, felt jealousy towards him, just didn't want him at our wedding. If I only knew the half of it.

In the months leading up to our wedding, my then-fiancee took a trip to London with a friend, met a random guy who approached her off the street, and spent all day with him, sightseeing, sharing a drink, sharing a blunt. My fucking fiancee, love of my life, just having a magical day abroad with some random stranger who showed her interest and attention. Pulling her by the hand from one monument to the next, throwing his arm around her ("like in a friendly way", says WW, "not romantic"), sitting next to her in a park passing a blunt back and forth while they just watch the leaves fall or count clouds in the sky or whatever the fuck two perfect strangers of the opposite sex do together while getting high. Totally platonic though.

And I am supposed to believe that when he propositioned her and asked her back to his apartment, she said no. She just ran away, scared, when he pleaded with her to come upstairs to his place. Who could ever have fucking seen that coming??? My poor wife, the victim. What a monster this guy was, this guy who spent all day with a cute girl who let him show her around town, pull her by the hand, put his arm around her, buy her a drink, share a blunt. What a fucking monster he was to think she may want to have sex with him too. Good thing my wife ran away from him, scared for her safety. Right.

And then our magical wedding, where multiple people make the same comment, "CBM you are so lucky, just look at Flawed, you are so out of your league!" Lucky fucking me. It angered me then and it makes me furious now.

I hate the story of my life with such a passion. It is a story of humiliation, and lack of agency, and feeling like I was on the outside of a lot of inside jokes.

And no matter how fake much of my perception of my life was, the actual marriage was real, our kids are real, our actual physical life is real. And here I am, stuck with it, feeling angry and depressed and with no good options. And my WW will lay next to me and tell me to vent, that she understands, she hates it all too, that she wishes she could change all of it. And I just get more mad, mad that she did the things she did, mad that nothing can be changed, mad that she didn't give me a chance for a normal life with someone else, someone who could have loved me the way that I needed to be loved.

So how do I move forward? My wife is a better person now, and I resent her for it. Often, I feel like she doesn't deserve for me to be happy around her, and so I find myself being miserable. I feel normal at work, I feel like my normal happy self around other people, and I yearn so badly to feel that way again all the time. I fantasize about life with someone else, with a woman who has no history of betrayal with me. A woman who could say, "I'm so sorry that happened to you", instead of "I'm so sorry I did that to you".

It's been a year and the feelings I keep coming back to more than anything are resentment and anger. I am so incredibly pissed off that this is my life. I am so angry that my wife was such a coward back then, so afraid to be a failure, that she couldn't be honest with me, and with herself, and let me go. So much pain and heartache would have been avoided, and all of it would be deep and buried in the past. She would be a distant memory by now, a life lesson in in trusting your gut and being wary of pretty girls who pretend to be "not like the other ones".

I am so tired, so exhausted of feeling like this, and I don't see an end in sight. Reconciliation seems like such a bullshit proposition, like settling for the least worst outcome. I mean it is, isn't it? It's learning how to pretend to be OK with something no one is ever OK with. My wife spent her whole life pretending and then confessed and passed the burden to me, the burden to have to pretend just to make life work. And I don't fucking want it.

Can'tbe….

I can see your anger and pain in your post, very articulate way to get it out there as well.

I'm sorry your wife has put you in this position, none of us deserve this.

Unfortunately, I think what you are going through is normal and is part of the grief stages that you are cycling through.

It's healthy to express to get just a little bit of out. Keep expressing yourself, ensure self care and stay in IC... You will get through this..

I hate the story of my life

So pick up a pen and turn the page.

Sounds trite and simplistic, but someone had to say it.

Recognizing your lack of agency is the first step. You are the author of your life, and will continue to be, with or without her being involved.

You can do this. Claim your worth.

It's learning how to pretend to be OK with something no one is ever OK with.

I don't see R that way at all.

I'll never be okay with infidelity.

I don't have to be okay with it, I only have to accept that it happened.

So how do I move forward?

At some point, it becomes a choice.

The trauma of betrayal is unique and causes unique damage, but after a time of processing it all, you have to choose to move forward be it R or D. I had a ton of resentment too, but I really have learned holding on to resentment is like the bumper sticker -- resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Resentment never did me a bit of good in any facet of life.

Reconciliation seems like such a bullshit proposition, like settling for the least worst outcome.

If you're done, you're done, no need to explain to anyone -- but I would never settle. Raise the standards of the relationship and live that.

You've described what your relationship was.

What is it today? Or what do you want it to be today?

At some point the past has to be left in the past. If you can't get there, that's very understandable, but I hate to see people hold on to the worst moments in life and allow it to define them.

I think back to my wedding and feel such disgust, now that I know what was actually happening in my life at that point

.

I know exactly how you feel.

I hate the story of my life with such a passion. It is a story of humiliation, and lack of agency, and feeling like I was on the outside of a lot of inside jokes.

Oh, yes. I know this feeling very well.

that she understands

How exactly does she understand? Did you live a double life as well? Empty words...

My wife is a better person now

How? How do you know? Because she unloaded on you? I'm not familiar with your story. How did she cure herself of a lifetime of wayward behavior?

I can relate to every single thing that you wrote. Everything.

And no matter how fake much of my perception of my life was, the actual marriage was real, our kids are real, our actual physical life is real. And here I am, stuck with it, feeling angry and depressed and with no good options

Well, what are the bad options? Let's go over those. I'm not going to ask if divorce is an option, because divorce is ALWAYS an option. Why won't you consider it? Don't say because of the kids. That's a cop out. I have kids too. Torturing myself by staying with their father is not what's best for them. You can't pour from an empty cup. And right now your cup is empty.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 15 years? 20 years? The thought of myself as an old woman still married to my wh actually made my skin crawl. I equated it to throwing my life away. Being on my deathbed and having that be my biggest regret. So I left. I refused to spend one more second with the man who stabbed me in the back for 17 years. He could not have possibly loved me, and he wasn't going to magically start.

By the way, my divorce is still pending, and I've never been happier in my life. The people in my inner circle are authentic, have integrity, and have never betrayed me. Not once.

You do have options, my friend. Do you want to stay married in order to keep your retirement? Not pay child support, alimony? "Cheaper to keep her?"

Well guess what, if you stay with her she is still getting all of that, except now you have to look at her face everyday for the rest of your life.

I might not even be in the ballpark of where your feelings are, but those are the general reasons people stay in marriages they can't stand.

I'm so sorry you are in pain. I know exactly what you're feeling. Even in divorce, it hurts that somebody did that to me for so long. But the day I filed, I felt a significant amount of my power return. My way of saying it was not okay what he did, and I will not let it stand. I'm out.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:23 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

So how do I move forward? My wife is a better person now, and I resent her for it. Often, I feel like she doesn't deserve for me to be happy around her, and so I find myself being miserable. I feel normal at work, I feel like my normal happy self around other people, and I yearn so badly to feel that way again all the time. I fantasize about life with someone else, with a woman who has no history of betrayal with me. A woman who could say, "I'm so sorry that happened to you", instead of "I'm so sorry I did that to you".

You recognize that moving forward is a choice just as much as standing still. What you have described above is a positive feedback loop of pain that you are choosing to reinforce. You resent your wife so you attempt to punish her but are really punishing yourself. Kind of like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Being that you are actually the one getting hurt, this reinforces secondary of emotions like anger and resentment to combat your wounds. This causes justification for more anger and resentment which enforces the feeling the need to continue the punishment. Wash, rinse, repeat.

So by making and recognizing your agency in these situations, you slowly begin to feel a sense of control. This gives you power. The power that is a by product of your choice is displace the power that you are attempting to extract from your anger and resentment.

As for the choices, I get it. They suck. But as an adult, I've found that the majority of choices in life aren't steak or lobster but more like a douche burger or a turd sandwich. But there is power in recognizing that I don't have to eat the turd sandwich despite the other option not being much better. You build on that; you make choices that lead to better options.

She robbed you of your past. We can't change that no matter how much we try. But if you do not make a choice, you have to realize that your choice in not to choose is robbing you of your future.

It's simple, but simple doesn't mean easy. I get brother. I'm sorry. I wish you peace.

You have been heard. I think Oldwounds nailed it. What is your relationship today? And at some point the past has to be left in the past. I can say with time I never settled in R. We built a new relationship. We moved forward to create new memories and left resentment in the past where it belonged.

It's ok if this was a deal breaker.

You don't have to try to reconcile.

It doesn't matter if she is a better person today. What matters is that you are miserable with her. Just because she has made some changes, doesn't mean she deserves the gift of reconciliation. You deserve to be happy, and fulfilled.

CantBeMe123 my heart goes out to you. I'm where you were all those years ago. I just had my DDay and I already feel like everything I knew for the past 21 years was a lie.

I think I'm going to go ahead and spare myself all the torture you have gone through and just file for D. The more I read, the more I talk to other BSs, the more crappy my outlook on the future gets.

Emotionally, I think you are about where many BS's are at the first anniversary of Dday. Many say that year 2 is even harder than year 1.

Of all of the threads on here, yours has always resonated with me at a personal level. Like you, I was in a committed relationship with a beautiful woman who many considered to be out of my league. Like you, my WXGF was more sexually experienced than me. Like you, we moved a long distance together to start a new life, which made me insecure. Like you, I had some personal demons that made these issues difficult for me, a lingering sense that I had missed out on sowing my wild oats, and a frustration that this was due mainly to my own insecurities.

But the arc of my relationship was the obverse of yours. My WXGF grew further and more distant, became a worse partner, then cheated on me and dumped me. It was a horrible, painful time. It left me messed up for years. Frankly I dont think I understood some parts of it until I found this place.

I give that as a preface because one of the reasons your feelings are so strong is because the unique nature of your WWs betrayals tweaks your personal insecurities. Frustration with one's self. I completely get that.

Part of the calculus of leaving a marriage is whether youd be better off single. There are a couple of active JFO threads right now with BHs whose WWs are truly horrible individuals. Manipulative. Dishonest. Downright mean. The facts of the cheating are awful. In one thread the WW was fucking the remodel contractor. She told her BH that for her birthday she wanted a quiet weekend alone, so he took the kids camping, while she spent the weekend fucking her AP.

I know you chafe when people come here and remind you that you currently have it good. I know I'm probably the guiltiest on that front. It's because our similarities make me feel a kinship with you. I'm not suggesting you see the bright side or anything like that. Just be patient, and transparent. Her wayward behavior continued at some level until she came clean. She still has a long row to hoe in terms of proving, through consistent action, that she is a safe spouse. The process takes time on both sides. Years.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:03 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

CBM, I feel your pain and empathize with your plight. The anger is palpable and familiar. The constant cognitive dissonance between what you thought you knew and the unfairness of what you now know is exhausting.

I think you are where many are at one year. I wish it weren't so, but I was a mess at that point. Your fWW seems to be genuinely remorseful and empathetic. That goes a long way towards healing. But I get it, I know, it does not make any of your torment more fair or more just.

You will have to decide if the waiting for more peace is worth the remaining time that you will be in this turmoil.

CBM,

Sorry you are in that place, but it may take 5 years in your case as I suspect it takes at least 50% of the duration of the lie to recover.

I've never looked at my W the same or ever really trusted after 30+ years. At one time I thought it was just a cost I had to pay for a beautiful wife.

And I am supposed to believe that when he propositioned her and asked her back to his apartment, she said no. She just ran away, scared, when he pleaded with her to come upstairs to his place.

Has she offered to take a polygraph to confirm her stories?

I have no advice to give but I am so sorry you are in pain. Holidays, birthdays and anniversary's are supposed to be some of the hardest times of the year for us BS's.

I had a loooong philosophical epistle written and deleted it. Instead I have a question. You said you feel normal at work and not around your wife. Then why are you still around her?

Thanks to everyone for making me feel heard. I was angry and hurting and just needed to get it out somewhere. SI is really an amazing place for finding empathy in spots like that.

@Oldwounds - I still struggle with:

I don't have to be okay with it, I only have to accept that it happened.

I can accept these things happened, but I find it really hard to accept my wife was this completely different person in secret during the formative years of our relationship. The way she behaved in London is particularly jarring for me - it is so risky, so brazen, so out of character for the girl that I thought I knew and married, and it makes me feel so humiliated that my fiancee could have spent all day cozying up with a random sleazebag who approached her off the street. It's just really, really hard to accept that and be OK with it and move on.

@WhoTheBleep

Well, what are the bad options? Let's go over those. I'm not going to ask if divorce is an option, because divorce is ALWAYS an option. Why won't you consider it? Don't say because of the kids. That's a cop out. I have kids too. Torturing myself by staying with their father is not what's best for them. You can't pour from an empty cup. And right now your cup is empty.

I do consider it. It is a very conflicting, complicated, confusing thought for me. If you were to wipe my mind of everything I've learned in the past year, I would say that I very much enjoy being married to my wife and we love each other and we have a great family and life together. But I can't wipe it away, and the knowledge of it eats at me, and makes me angry and resentful, and makes it very hard for me to experience the love I used to feel for her and for our life together. But at the same time, it feels just out of grasp - like I can see it, and some days I can even feel it again, but it is slippery and I can't hold on to it and I find myself back in misery and depression and resentment.

I don't hate my wife, I definitely don't hate the life we've built, and to end it all just feels like such a waste. But maybe that's just a sunk cost fallacy and I need to accept that "what could have been" doesn't matter, because it never really was in the first place.

@KingRat - That was a really helpful and insightful post, thank you.

@BFTG - Thanks for your commiseration and empathy. It's ironic that I find myself constantly yearning for what happened to you - I wish over and over my wife just broke up with me back then. I would trade a few messed up years in my early 20s for a more clear, less painful rest-of-my-life, which is what I feel stuck with now.

@Cooley2here - See above in response to WhoTheBleep. I'm not sure if the reason I am still around her are good ones. I struggle horribly with the choice, and I don't know if I am trying to R for the right or wrong reasons. Sometimes it feels like the easiest path forward, the least worst option as I described it, and I resent myself for not being strong enough to just D and start fresh with a clean slate when I know deep down that what she did is unacceptable for me. Other times I can feel the love for my wife in the way that I used to feel it, I feel very connected to her, and I can see with clarity how much our life together is worth saving and how much of it I would miss and possibly regret if I did D. My feelings on it fluctuates on a daily or weekly basis and it is maddening.

need to accept that "what could have been" doesn't matter, because it never really was in the first place.

Wow. This brought me to tears. I don't even know where that came from. But absolutely spot-on. That right there was the toughest thing to reconcile in my mind. I was grieving something I never even had. That is where the confusion comes from. You have no sense of what your reality actually was. Everything was a lie. That is the trauma of these lengthy long-term infidelities. Infidelity that spans a night, couple of months, or even a year is absolutely brutal. Like unfathomable pain. Now you take infidelity that went on for years; in my case 17, in your case, you may never know. It makes your brain feel like scrambled eggs, you're not grieving your relationship, because you never had one. You're grieving something in your mind that never existed. It's an absolute mind f*** to wrap your head around. I completely understand.

You are only a year out. I feel like my first comment might have come across as a bit of a two by four. I apologize for that. It took me two whole years to make a decision to divorce. And the last 18 months of that two years, he was horrible to me. It's still took me that long to be strong enough to leave.

Give yourself time. There is no appropriate time frame. There are people here who stayed for years, and then decided they couldn't stay one day longer. There is no wrong decision. it's whatever you need to move on with your life in a healthy way.

Stick around, keep reading, keep posting. Clarity, whether to stay or to go, will come.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:47 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

The way she behaved in London is particularly jarring for me - it is so risky, so brazen, so out of character for the girl that I thought I knew and married, and it makes me feel so humiliated that my fiancee could have spent all day cozying up with a random sleazebag who approached her off the street. It's just really, really hard to accept that and be OK with it and move on.

No need for you to feel humiliated for her broken behavior -- none of that reflects on who you are.

And for me, the determining factor is -- was that behavior truly out of character or a greater reveal about who you're with?

In that sense, if you're not sure, I can see why the anger is hanging on, because you don't feel 'good' about the future. But if she really is changing, really a better person now, then you do have a chance to build something better. Of course, you're under no obligation to offer this final chance.

It will come to whether or not you can see who she is now versus being haunted by who she was.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 12:00 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

I hate the story of my life with such a passion. It is a story of humiliation, and lack of agency, and feeling like I was on the outside of a lot of inside jokes.

Ooh ooh honey, SAME. It is an unspeakable feeling. I am out of that marriage and I STILL struggle with this. I hate so much feeling like I was walking around like a jackass with a smile on my face while he was doing all manner of shit behind my back and some people knew it.

Wow. This brought me to tears. I don't even know where that came from. But absolutely spot-on. That right there was the toughest thing to reconcile in my mind. I was grieving something I never even had. That is where the confusion comes from. You have no sense of what your reality actually was. Everything was a lie.

And yes, that too. This is exactly what I call the brain damage of infidelity.