SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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What's the big deal about porn star sex? Is it about the techniques?

Or is it about the responses of the people? For men, is it that women seem to have orgasms with the least stimulation?

If you value porn star sex, what do you value about it?

I do not mean to imply it's wrong to value it. I just want to get some ideas about why it's valued.

Thanks.

Pornstar sex is acting! Just like any other movie--drama, action, comedy, romance, etc, a porn movie is made up of actors following a script, posing, doing what the director tells them, following the dialogue (if there is any)and everything else. Scenes are edited and re-shot if necessary. There is no basis in reality.

I'm wondering if it's generational?

I was lucky enough to experience my sexually formative years before the internet made porn so pervasive. Not that there weren't nudie mags and stag films, but it's not like today, where porn is available 24/7, cheap and anonymous. (If I could have one thing changed regarding the porn industry it would be that everyone has to use their real name, purchasers and purveyors alike.)

I feel sorry for young girls today dealing with unrealistic expectations. And to be frank, I feel sorry for the boys too, who become so warped by it. The whole thing is just so emotionally immature and damaging to real relationships, and all so unnecessary. But the more mainstream it becomes, the more normalized, the less people remember that we didn't used to have to live that way.

It's all very sad.

Please define “pornstar sex” and then I’ll answer.

I think most people here who use the phrase "pornstar sex" use it as a form of shorthand to refer to somebody enthusiastically participating in and initiating sex with a lot of frequency, a lot of energy, and a lot of experimenting in terms of positions, orifices, locations (i.e. -- semi-public), etc.

I think most people who have seen porn realize that the stuff the actors are doing on the screen are often quite awkward and unpleasurable, done for the purpose of a camera angle.

I've thought about this a lot too, Sisoon.

I want to lead with the fact that I'm not a porn-star sex guy, in that to me porn is fantasy that I would be foolish to try and attain in real life. Looking back, I have had sexual experiences that many would classify as porn-star sex, but not because I planed it that way.

The best way I can think of to understand it, as a man, is that a woman becomes/acts/is aggressively passive and compliant during sex.

For a man, this is incredibly arousing. It signals a woman's desire for him sexually, and it is a self-confidence booster. Even if she takes charge of the sexual encounter, she is only doing so because she can't keep her hands off of him. She of course has orgasm(s) because he is so proficient/desirable/hot.

The specific acts that are typically associated with porn-star sex in most men's minds, I think, reflect aggressive passivity and compliance. Anal sex, for example, is one of the sex-acts associated with "porn-star" sex in real life. In and of itself anal penetration isn't what makes it porn-star quality sex to a man, it is the response of the woman. If she is enthusiastic about it (even if it is only an Oscar-winning-worthy acting job of enthusiasm and she actually doesn't like it) it is "porn-star sex." If she is saying "ow, that hurts, but you can keep going if you want to," it isn't. Maybe it would be to a sadist, but I don't think that is the spirit in which people here are talking about it.

In short, I think it is more about the woman's attitude and how it makes the man feel. Missionary style PIV can be pretty porn-star to a guy if his partner is letting him know how much she is enjoying it. It's not the physical act as much as it is the man's perception of how his prowess is desired by the woman.

This is why I think most men don't like the idea of "duty sex" from their significant other too often. They see it as a negative judgement on their sexual desirability/performance.

Just my opinion, of course.

My WH was not so much into the pre-recorded porn, but was very into the online cam stuff. For him it was as real as it got without having another person there. He could have the connection of talking but also give and receive sexual direction. He told one woman he loved her and kept going back for years and thousands and thousands of dollars. Even acted jealous.

As another poster said, it’s acting. It’s all acting. She didn’t care about him, just wanted his money. The orgasms were likely faked. The talk was fake. All fake.

Doesn’t stop some delusional people though, unfortunately.

[This message edited by landclark at 4:23 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Illusion.

Interesting juxtaposition for me, on a number of levels.

1. I respect and try to be mindful of people who have been injured by their SOs porn addiction/sex addiction. I strive not to rub it in people's faces. I actually enjoy porn, and I enjoy sharing it with my SO. Husband is not the first SO with whom I've shared porn.

2. I just, finally, made the effort to wander over to the other side, i.e. I found one of the more popular pro-adultery/infidelity forums on the interwebs. I read my fill. It was strangely and, perversely? oppositionally? cathartic for me. Not because it was intriguing or stimulating or tempting, but because it was just the opposite.

I'd gotten mired down, swallowed whole in the deep pain here on the SI side. It helped, in a perverse way, in a way that was inversely more humanizing to the SI participants than, oddly, anything any SI participant has or could have written about themselves.

The shallowness of the adultery forum rendered the postings on the SI forum that much more poignant and compelling and honestly, beautiful in their sincerity and genuine nature.

The sparkly unicorns on the adultery forum deserve exactly what they are giving and getting: porn star. Illusion. It's all illusion.

Don't get me wrong, I understand; illusion is about all that most or any of them want. They aren't in it for the deep eddies. The profound is lost on them. I actually do not sit in judgment in that regard: people are not required to be profound. It is a horrific violation, however, to take genuine investment and emotion and commitment from another human being and reciprocate with illusion. Please find your fantasies on Tinder and leave those who are looking for a deeper connection out of it.

When I am playing with porn with an established SO, yes, in that moment I am playing in the shallow end of the pool. With that Sig Other. Just because there is a deep end, that doesn't negate the shallow end, nor its fun and games. But I'm not deceiving anyone in the process.

What strikes me is that porn star sex is illusion, as are affairs and superficial hook ups. In this way, wanting porn star sex in conjunction with an affair (or even just falling into porn star sex, without specifically seeking it) seems par for the course.

Porn star sex is playing to novelty, ego kibbles, a certain exhibitionist/voyeur tendency, Mirror Mirror on the Wall, adrenaline, and a certain inherent lack of depth.

TL;DR: Porn star sex is a mirror, a form of self-adulation, with another person's cooperation, and in the case of affairs, at other people's expense.

It's not deep. It can be fun and tasty and different, but inherently, it's not deep. It is the very literal definition of "pornography." Not that there's anything wrong with that- unless one is screwing over another person in the process.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 4:48 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

I agree with Gettingoveritall. He said pretty much what I was going to say. It seems the allure is the idea of a woman who is completely compliant and will do whatever the man wants for the sole purpose of his pleasure.

My opinion is only based on what I've read on this website. I have never had a conversation with anyone who has said they like or want "porn star" sex. I, personally, find most male/female pron sex disgusting. It's not something I would want to engage in.

Thank you, butforthegrace.

I’m not really into semi-public for the sake of the thrill of it, but I was never necessarily opposed to it on principle—it’s just that the very act of being in public wasn’t something that got me hot.

Positions, orifices, etc—because it feels good. Experimenting—because, why not?—if you don’t like something, then you don’t have to do it again. Some acts are more a “mental” game, as RIO says; most are a combination of the two—psychological and physical pleasure.

Well, I saw this thread, and thought, oh good, now I can explain what I think. However, I was too late, Gettingoveritall captured it better and more succinctly than I would have. It's sex with abandon. Do whatever you want to me, I'm yours sex. Sex for the sake of sex, the sake of the feelings that sex brings; it's fun, it's exciting, it's not mired in duty, reciprocation and expectations beyond the bedroom. It's just two people who are attracted to one another (or pretending to be) enjoying one another's bodies without limits. And everything Gettingoveritall said.

I think most people here who use the phrase "pornstar sex" use it as a form of shorthand to refer to somebody enthusiastically participating in and initiating sex with a lot of frequency, a lot of energy, and a lot of experimenting in terms of positions, orifices, locations (i.e. -- semi-public), etc.

Yeah, a much shorter and also good way to put it. Porn star sex can be straight missionary PIV if you're doing it behind the bleachers during a public event. Or it can be anal sex and a whip in the privacy of your home. But it's "enthusiastic consent" from the woman, "I want you so bad I can't wait to get the car, let's screw here in public" (a component of my W's A, incidentally).

The shallowness of the adultery forum rendered the postings on the SI forum that much more poignant and compelling and honestly, beautiful in their sincerity and genuine nature.

If your talking about the same forums I've read, well.. Yeah. And I'll follow that with "what did you expect" (not you personally, just in general)? Yeah, I know there are these "love of my life" stories and people who fall deeply in love in the midst of an affair. But a whole lot don't. These are your common compatriots when you enter into an A, shallow is the order of the day, and people entering into an A without thinking that through, well.. So be it I guess, but it's really sad that so many seem to get caught in a fantasy that in no way resembles reality. Would be like falling in love with each actor you slept with as a porn star; you realize they are all acting, right? Sadly, no, a lot of people don't, or, they value the performance so highly that they are willing to give up a lot to get to "see it".

When I am playing with porn with an established SO, yes, in that moment I am playing in the shallow end of the pool. With that Sig Other. Just because there is a deep end, that doesn't negate the shallow end, nor its fun and games. But I'm not deceiving anyone in the process.

What's the "deep end" of the pool for you?

I feel sorry for young girls today dealing with unrealistic expectations. And to be frank, I feel sorry for the boys too, who become so warped by it. The whole thing is just so emotionally immature and damaging to real relationships, and all so unnecessary. But the more mainstream it becomes, the more normalized, the less people remember that we didn't used to have to live that way.

I really don't think porn has had the impact that people seem to attribute to it (or very easy access to porn). I grew up before that, porn was a magazine well hidden under the bed. I still wanted 95% of the stuff you see in porn (the other 5%, I'll admit, I never thought of until I saw it). And, when we're talking about "pornstar sex" in an A, it's really that 95% that I wanted long before I could see it with the click of a mouse. Anal sex, BJ's, swallowing, a woman who couldn't keep her hands off me, threesomes... Either I'm a pervert (almost certain to be true, but, I'm not sure it matters) or the stuff they show in porn is pretty "normal" desires, at least they were for me. I had sex with a woman before I saw hardcore porn, I figured it out. And, she gave me a BJ and swallowed, including in the high school parking lot. Don't know, maybe she was watching a lot of porn too, but, I don't think so, she figured it out. And my WW, another "no porn watcher", guess what? She figured it all out too in her A (now, granted, she did have the OM helping, but, still; didn't need "porn" to understand and perform to "pornstar sex" levels). It's not rocket science, there's only so many ways to do it, and we figured them all out 1000s of years ago. Actually, more than that, there are cave paintings of stuff like anal sex/BJ's, etc. Now, did that desire get "normalized"? Yes, it did, but, not in the way I think you mean. It was a common desire long before porn, all porn did was make it seem more acceptable (because you knew other people were doing it). But it was always "normal", IMHO.

It's not deep. It can be fun and tasty and different, but inherently, it's not deep

You know, reading this, I thought to myself "exactly" and then.. Well, I thought "huh, that's it, it's shallow, and that's what you like in bed, isn't it". Kind of sitting here thinking about it, and, I think it really is. I love deep conversation, I love writing long letters to my W about our hopes/dreams and plans together. I like to examine things until I can see all the pieces and parts of it, and then looking at it again to see if I now see something different than when I started. I'm a very "deep" person in most respects, I like to read, and, when I'm interested in a topic, there's no limit to the depth I'll go; I'll go as deep as I can intellectually in all kinds of areas of study, because I love the experience of learning and understanding.

But, you know what? I think I really do like my sex shallow. I'll spend all day writing to you about my feelings for you, but I really don't want to talk about that when we're enjoying each other sexually, I want to enjoy that distinctly from the "depth". It's a break from "depth" for me, it's the time when I can relax, stop thinking, be a kid again, and just "play", enjoy myself and relax.

Anyway, bit of an epiphany there that I think is probably related to this topic. Porn star sex to me, yes, it's typically "shallow" and, if I'm honest, I think that's something I actually like about it; they look like they are having fun, not professing undying love to one another between "strokes" but in awe of one anothers sexuality, and just their sexuality, overcome with desire for that thing, and the exploration and "fun" that comes with it.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 5:10 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

It's a term I've seen used, DF, and I'm not sure what it means. I guess it means 'sex as shown in porn movies.'

The terms that jump into my mind are 'acting,' 'contrived,' 'fantasy,' 'unreal.'

I do like how eager for sex the actors & actresses are. The thing is, I don't want my W eager for sex. I want her to be eager for sex with me.

Fear of missing out.

What exactly IS "porn star sex" to you?

I mean, I assume we all have different sexual likes and dislikes, and interests. I have an extremely varied sex life and I am sure it includes a lot of acts that people here would label as "porn star sex" but it's just part of our regular menu. I like variety and so do my partners.

I think it's perfectly normal to be interested in sex that isn't just regular vanilla sex. If that's all that one partner is interested in and the other wants more varied acts, perhaps what they see in porn, things aren't going to work out well. Sex is a very important part of a relationship for some people and getting sexual needs met if they ARE important to that person... the desire for that isn't going to go away. Sexual mismatch is a pretty serious problem in a relationship.

I enjoy watching porn. My husband and I often put it on as background noise when we're having sex.

If anyone things that "porn star sex" is about women having orgasms from nothing, that person is a very selfish lover anyway and should maybe stick to the watching porn or maybe hiring sex workers who are paid to satisfy.

Hi sisoon-

Good question. I feel like I have porn star sex with my H now. I wonder if he just assumed I was vanilla all those years with no sex when he was watching porn and then basically using me as dumpster post porn use, not that I minded (deep rooted FOO issues w a little sexual abuse mixed in makes for an openness in my about sex... nothing is off limits, within reason).. Maybe it’s increased bc I performed his wildest sexual fantasy of being with another woman, for him, with him and that his ultimate ‘porn star sex’. I kinda became the star he wanted.

Whatever it was... it’s now filled with a lot of things that would embarrass me to describe any further and I’ve already said enough.

Thing is tho... I don’t know if it’s actually porn star sex or if we just are so aligned now sexually, as we never have been before and now comfortable with one another that it FEELS like porn star sex. Honestly, I also had a tubal litigation after my last baby was born. Having sex for no other reason than fun is actually, really, really fun.

I think it also depends on the type of porn you’re into... there is some weird shit out there that makes me turn a cheek and i like some out of the box stuff. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally, when it comes to porn, I want dirty, fast, hard, furious bc I’m alone and pressed for time. But when I’m having my own porn star sex w H, I want it dirty and hard still but also with a sincere ‘I love you’ thrown there... maybe some hair pulling and ass slapping but then a warm cuddle after.

I would prefer real sex with my H and not try and rush it with porn but I take what I can get. My sex drive is higher than H’s so I ride solo more and he is ok with that. At the end of the day, I’m his... he’s mine and I just love inhaling him.

I never know if I’m oversharing when it comes to these things and hope my honesty doesn’t spark any triggers for anyone. If It does, just let me know and I’d be happy to edit or rephrase in a more respectful way.

RIO, said without malice or judgment, you, Sir, are an adrenaline addict.

Your preferred form of expression/exploration is sexual.

Which came first, the sex or the adrenaline? I don't know, and I suspect you don't either...

... because the two are so smashed together in you that it's difficult to tease them apart. Nor is that really necessary.

But I have long suspected that your urgency in interpreting and understanding your wife's actions by pushing them through your filter is misguided, because your filter is at least two filters smashed together: sex and adrenaline.

You keep trying to personalize it through the sexual filter. She keeps saying, "No, that's not it." And the two of you appear to have enough common ground that you are still married.

Perhaps you both enjoy meat and potatoes sex. But perhaps the extra shot for both of you is actually adrenaline.

Have sex with your wife on a roller coaster. Get caught on film by the coaster cam. Get kicked out of an amusement park for life, LOL. Come back here and tell us how it worked for both of you, individually and together.

OR, SANELY, NOT. JUST IMAGINE IT AND TELL US HOW IT MIGHT BE.

Y'all still married. You must have *something* in common. Your wife is telling you it wasn't about the pieces parts, nor how they rubbed together.

It's time that the both of you considered novelty and adrenaline as a factor in which you are both interested. JMHO, most likely a big miss... but it's free to think about it. :)

But that’s the thing, sisoon...sure, IN PORN those things are contrivances....but then again, so is the most tender & romantic love scene you could imagine in one of those silly romance movies. Sensual Romantic Scene Actress and actor are probably no more *actually* into simulating making tender sweet love to each other than are Porn Scene Actor and Actress into anal sex on the subway or whatever.

But two real people actually doing it? Odds are good that they’re doing it because they enjoy it. Not every “real” (non-pornstar) woman hates anal—or doesn’t get pleasure (even if only psychologically) from giving a BJ—or would be opposed to her partner finishing on her breasts, or back, or even her face once in awhile. It is a total myth that if a woman is doing certain stuff it MUST be because “the man expects it”—and, as the argument goes, “expects it because porn.” Nonsense.

porn star sex is where the WS gave the AP more

enthusiasm, effort, willing explore and do new

things, initiate a lot, do things for the AP that

the WS refused to do for the BS. allow the AP to do

things with/to them that they refused their BS.

in short gave the AP more and better than the BS

in the case of WW's what was always refused the BH

certain sex acts before the affair, yet gave to the

OM, still refuses those things to their BH after

their affair was over.

^^ Also this, what Darkness Falls said.

I don't do *any* of that stuff unless I enjoy it too, and I do, in contexts that work for me.

And that's the kicker, and maybe the key to deciding what this means to either party involved.

If it works for one marital partner, but not the other, and if it's beyond the agreed upon parameters, and if it involves arousal and/or expression or realization, or consumation,involving another person without the committed partner's fully informed consent, well now we have a sticky wicket.

Pardon the pun.

Sex is a thing. Commitment is a thing. Loyalty is a thing. Betrayal is a thing. All of these things can be plotted in a Venn diagram.

We on SI live in the intersection of that Venn diagram.

By definition, our cheating partners do not. They chose early (and sometimes often) not to live within the intersection of those parameters.

And what we do with that, if anything, is up to us.

oldtruck,

I don’t discount your perspective, but I didn’t see anything about As or OMs in sisoon’s original post. I didn’t think the original post was even talking about As at all....shows what I know.