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I will put this from my point of view. Porn star sex is ANYTHING she did with him that she was not or still is not willing to do with me!

But perhaps the extra shot for both of you is actually adrenaline.

Could be, IDK. I really have my doubts about her though, while my description might read to you like "adrenaline", I think she would have said she has a different perspective. And, then, of course, had an A with pornstar sex, double the adrenaline, double the fun?

It's time that the both of you considered novelty and adrenaline as a factor in which you are both interested. JMHO, most likely a big miss... but it's free to think about it. :)

It's not a miss for me, not at all. She's say it was a complete miss for her. But, then again, it's also exactly the relationship she found herself in with the OM, no sex on roller coasters, but, I suspect that's only because they never had time to get to one. Could be right though, but, if you are, man, she does NOT know herself at all. She's swear to you, up and down, that "meat and potatoes" is her favorite thing in the world. Where me, I'm more a squid tentacles kind of guy, mostly just to say that I ate it!

full disclosure, I am not a porn star sex kinda woman. Edited to say that no judgement about what you like/choose as long as it is consensual and does not involve children or coercion.

But to me porn star sex is fantasy adrenaline physically fueled sex. The kinda chemicals of being chased by tigers or riding roller coasters. It is objectification of the body. Highs and lows and the rush of anything goes.

I contrast it with slow sex which goes by lots of names and can be confused with porn sex because it can have lots of positions and mind blowing pleasure. But that pleasure is genuine not acted, consensual not coerced, is connected on an emotional/spiritual level not just a physical level and doesn't have the steep drop. It is like floating down a really beautiful river of pleasure.

But that's just my opinion. And what would I know, right? Cause Shehawk is a bitter frigid well you know what according to WH.

[This message edited by Shehawk at 8:09 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

When I see the terms "porn star sex" I think of exactly what Butforthegrace explained. With the added component of what was done with the AP but was denied or done very obviously reluctantly with the BS.

It seems to me to have been very well laid out in numerous threads. Why the question?

Sisson

I actually liked your question because it made me think...and question my judgements.

And I could see a time and a place for porn star sex in a marriage I was in..but it require a level of trust I currently no longer have with my missing wh sadly.

The best way I can think of to understand it, as a man, is that a woman becomes/acts/is aggressively passive and compliant during sex.

I too think you have captured this. Most pornstar sex is a women doing just about anything that a guy wants. Anal, facials, public, doing it with his friend, etc. Its not the technique, its doing things that are probably out of their wheelhouse.

It was also the thing I had such a hard time with. Its like she became his. Even though she was still having sex with me. At no point did she say no to him.. Possibly with the exception of videos or pictures. Even she wasn't that stupid.

But for everything else she said yes. What hurts is she did for him, things that I know were not pleasurable for her. Things that I didn't push for that very reason. She in essence became his whore, sex slave, i really don't know what to call it. But in the end she wasn't my wife anymore. I knew she still loved me and regretted everything she did, but what she did so tainted everything that i just couldn't look at her without seeing what she did with him. I swear we would be eating dinner and I would look at her and visualize him dropping a load on her face. Forget about her eating an ice cream cone.

She still is in a cycle of shame that I don't know if she will ever recover from. She describes the whole thing as a manic out of body experience. I can't believe my wife who was class mom years running did it either. If you met her, she would have been the last person you would have ever thought would have done this. Yet, to DF point, we could have explored these things together and that would have been ok. The fact that she chose to experiment with someone else is just just wrong. That was ours to do together.

She was willing to do everything she did with him, and more with me. But why would I want that? I still knew she didn't like it. It was just her sacrificing herself to me to keep our marriage and family, just like she sacrificed herself to him to recapture her youth by pleasing a younger hotter guy. Kind of blackmail either way. I know its a big thing here to recapture the acts for themselves, but for me, i already felt like i was second position, why would I want the sex act to be the same. I didn't need to give her a facial to make myself feel like things were all square.

Im all into fun, but why make someone do something you know they hated. Crap, I didnt even force my kids into eating brussel spouts even though I knew they were good for them. Why do that with sex?

I think he never would have treated his wife like he treated mine, as my wife never would have wanted me to do the things he did to her.

Its something about an affair that throws the rule book into the trash and anything goes. It just makes it so hard to recover from.

Some women make rules for their spouses.

And break rules for their lovers.

So the BH is left as an “also ran”

Some can dissect/rationalize the dichotomy and stay. Others cannot.

"Most pornstar sex is a women doing just about anything that a guy wants. Anal, facials, public, doing it with his friend, etc. Its not the technique, its doing things that are probably out of their wheelhouse."

Well there you go Waited. I am a BS but when you put it this way maybe I am back to I don't see a place for this in my future and maybe I was right drawing the line in the sand between what I was ok with in my marriage and what the OW offered. Now we are back to me thinking affair sex is porn star sex...again

thought provoking...

ramius

you know it.occurred to me that this sort of anything goes rule breaking is exactly the bait the OW AP is fishing with.

But honestly even in porn sex there are limits to certain genres. Then there is darker darker and illegal stuff. So there would always be some line I personally would not want to cross and there would always be some woman he could find willing to cross it for him.

I have to admit I find it pretty appalling that people are saying that a compliant woman means porn star sex.

I hate the idea of gatekeeping, or the idea that sex is something a man does to or takes from a woman. I find that to be a really unbalanced and unhealthy view of sex in general.

I get the eager compliance perspective from men. Makes sense, I suppose. If you are if the mind that "marital sex" must mean frigid obligatory, unenjoyed sex. (Is that in my own head, that men think that? Or did my sick WH put that there...)

For me, I've always defined "porn star sex" as a woman having an orgasm, which lasts 10 whole minutes (screaming involved), in a position in which no woman could possibly have an orgasm.

Now, in a marriage or other (presumably ) committed relationship, anything those 2 consenting adults do is (again presumably) done with love. In my mind, anything but threesomes. (I'll never equate a third party in my marriage as tender and loving. I always think "selfish degrading man", again my opinion)). I call those things marriage or marital sex. Others might call it porn star sex. I call it par for the course. Then again, WH and I had very few hangups. (No threesomes, and no photo/video were mine). I'm pretty sure he had NONE. I've never faked it with any man. Except 1 horrible night post DDay with WH. Everything I seem enthusiastic about, I genuinely am. I don't equate that to "porn star.". I prefer "pretty amazing woman who likes sex and loves her man." (What is love, again? You know what I mean).

That said, my marriage has scarred me. As SO and I progress in our relationship, I need for there to be no ambiguity between us. I plan to discuss boundaries, including sexual, with him soon. It's been almost 6 months. And if there are any dealbreakers , I need to know now. So far, we've been on the same page about everything, so I'm cautiously hopeful. Emphasis on cautious.

This thread has got me thinking. There is one thing SO likes that, honestly, I could take or leave. But I participate...eventually enthusiastically, because I see how excited it makes him. His excitement excites me. The purely physical aspect...mehhh...not my fave. Does that make me a porn star? I really don't think so. We are just 2 people who care about each other. Nothing fake or outrageous about it to me.

Just my personal take.

RIO, I've been wanting to respond to your posts, but I'm having such a hard time wrapping my head around where you and your wife are, now, for the very reasons WWTL explained. I know you are having a blast with the purely physical aspect of your sex life right now. The mental part of it must be far from reconciled or settled. I see that as your source of continued pain, torture really. Like a BS compartmentalization.

I definitely enjoyed my WH's body during our 2 year R, but I can tell you, I never made love to him ever again. Very little eye contact. No tender feelings during those "porn star" encounters. So maybe then, I was the porn star; but with real orgasms.

I'm all over the place with this.

Many different opinions here.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:47 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Maybe I am wrong but I think most women especially in a long term relationship can be more of a slower lead up to climax than our partners. And I believe many have husbands who are like my husband who don’t mind that. He is more than fine with it being drawn out a bit. He knows he can have sex whenever he pretty much likes but he prefers it to be when we are both in it to win it.

But I am no different. If he is not as into it then I can’t get into it as well either. I don’t think that it’s just men who want enthusiasm and proof of desire. There are times when men have sex to be compliant too - they might be tired, maybe had a solo session earlier in the day, or just isn’t into it for some other reason...that lacks hotness in the other direction the same way.

I think in order to successfully bring porn start sex into a marriage you have to try a bit harder and be more intentional. It may mean the female has to stoke her own fires that day or novelty needs brought in, experimentation, fear of getting caught, having to be somewhere else soon, etc. What you have going for you is what you have against you as well- your familiarity, your guaranteed moves, your no fail routines.

She in essence became his whore, sex slave

This is so sad. Why would anyone do this to herself?

Not on the same level, but kind of similar in my mind. I was talking to my fch today about why he had sex with the MOW. He said he did it to keep the attention from her coming. He knew that, if he wanted to keep getting what he wanted from her, he had to give her what she wanted, which was sex.

He said he enjoyed it because it was sex. Sex is enjoyable. But, it wasn't anything spectacular or special. They didn't do anything wild or crazy or adventurous. It was plain old vanilla. He still insists (and I believe him after today) that he did not do the one thing that I could not forgive. (I didn't tell him I couldn't forgive it.) But, he was, essentially, her sex slave.

PTSI, I agree with you. The idea of that kind of "porn star" sex being so desirable is disturbing. It puts females in the position of being objects, toys, inflatable dolls, or maybe mechanical dolls.

This is so sad. Why would anyone do this to herself?

IDK. But it's part and parcel of some of us here for our WS's affairs. "Sex slave" is probably a little too strong, but I doubt he could have thought something up that would have been a "no" from her, he just didn't have time to get into some really "out there" stuff.

I guess, perhaps this makes the point a little better by the way it was said, but this is the "real deal" that people are often signing up for heading into an A. Certainly not all people, but you're going to be "used" by the AP for whatever it is that's driving them to the the affair. If that thing is desire for sex, well, yeah, it's not surprising at all that suddenly we see people becoming "sex slaves" that's the thing that's driving the A. Cut off the sex, the affair is over, stop being a "porn star" the affair is over.

And, to provide the answer that I often get, "They do it for the kibbles". And those kibbles must be good to go to this length to get them.

I don’t think that it’s just men who want enthusiasm and proof of desire.

Most certainly not just men. I know, I've had a "failure to launch" a few times in my M, and let me say, that bothers her a lot. She sees my orgasm (rightfully, most of the time) as proof of my desire for her. My erection quality as "how turned on I am" (again, true, most of the time). And, the direct corollary to this, I love it when a woman is really wet because it shows me, in a different way, that desire. But "porn star sex" to me is the other side of that coin, it's what she shows me to communicate her desire. No, it's not the only thing, but it's certainly an important thing.

Also, perhaps unlike other posters, I don't see all porn star sex as "rough pounding". It could be very slow with a few well placed "dirty words". It could be slow with her whispering "ograsm in my mouth and watch me swallow it". It doesn't have to be, for me, something that would qualify as a 90% cardio effort to be porn star sex. It's much more about what others have said, compliance, a desire to please, lack of boundaries, and enthusiastic participation. Exactly what, at least in my mind, I imagine how the sex was for the OM in the affair (some of it I know to be true, some of it I have good reason to believe is true, but don't know for sure).

[This message edited by Rideitout at 6:51 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Hi coco-

You wrote why would anyone do this to herself.

I’m sure it differs for everyone but honestly, I think all that weird degrading stuff is a turn on. I mean I’m not doing that with anyone else besides my H. It isn’t fake dicks and inflatables all the time but sometimes, if that’s we feel like. It sometimes is exactly like RIO explained, a naughty whisper in my ear asking how wet I am and how bad I want it is sometimes quite enough. My H also judges my interest based on the flow if my O. Somehow in all this, I began squirting (I hate that word... it makes me feel a certain way) and now H bases his performance on that type of orgasming. For me, the squirting o’s hurt A little and don’t feel as sensual as the normal ones I have.

Another dynamic is that there is porn sex out there that is soft and gentle. It can very much be as erotic as a hard fast pounding. I think everyone has their own idea of porn star sex. Husbands and wives alike. It can become the couples own definition of porn star sex together when you embrace the taboo idea of some of the sex your H or W would like.

For me as a woman (who seems to identify more with how men think of sex) when I found out my H was super into lesbians, I took his fantasy and made it my own for him. We have dirty talked together about lesbians since before kids. Probably since I first found his porn addiction, 13 years ago. After d day we did have another woman in our bed too but that will not happen again. Fortunately, after literally making the fantasy come true, H is more comfortable just imagining a third person now, thankfully!!!! I don’t recommend bringing another person into your bedroom. 2 is comfortable, 3 is a crowd. And it almost broke us again because I suppose I played my part so well, he was worried I was turning into a lesbian.

I explained this to H that his fantasy became mine bc I loved watching/listening to him act out while playing his part. Once he found out I have my own secret likes, he started encouraging me to act them out on him. And I have. I’ve been open recently to the idea of my FOO issues and my sexual abuse as a child. I realize they play a significant part in this for me and may very well be the reason that I can be so open and candid about sex. I guess that’s sad to me but truth is, I really enjoy sex.

I think I am long windedly trying to explain why some woman would do that to themselves. Simply put, some women really do enjoy the acting and play in the bedroom. I was never embarrassed of my turn ons or sex drive until I realized I wasn’t like most women. Now I try to scale it back because 1- my scarlet letter that I wear daily. 2- to not make people feel uncomfortable. Lights if and doors closed w H, I can play the part. No one is forcing me. I enjoy it all.

I was never embarrassed of my turn ons or sex drive until I realized I wasn’t like most women. Now I try to scale it back because 1- my scarlet letter that I wear daily. 2- to not make people feel uncomfortable.

Please don't do that. Trust me on this, if nothing else, I can tell you what happens when you try to repress the things you really want in the bedroom and "go with the flow". It's not good. Be you. You want to be tied up and spanked, ask for it. Want to peg your H? Ask for it. You only get one shot at this thing called life, and you really don't want to wind up with the regrets that I have (if you don't already have them). You know what, reading here, and hearing other stories, I'm not like most men either. I have a high sex drive, I like kinky stuff, I have a vivid imagination and want to act that out with my W. It seems that's less common than I thought, perhaps to the degree of actually being "quite uncommon". I don't care. I really don't. I am who I am, and I'm not, and never will again, trying to fit into the "good husband or good man" role sexually. Never gonna happen again. I'm going to be a good man, and I'm going to do the things that good men do, care for my wife and family, build our life together, and do everything I can to make happy. But I'm not going to pretend that anal sex, threesome and a girl begging me to orgasm on her face doesn't turn me on. It does, mightily, turn me on. And if I were to D and date again, well.. I ain't hiding it, that's for sure. Yes, that's my spanking paddle over there by the nightstand, nope, didn't even bother to put it away before our date because I'm not gonna hide from you, or anyone, what it is that I like in bed again. I've seen that movie, it's got a sad and painful ending.

Simply put, some women really do enjoy the acting and play in the bedroom.

Good, so do I. But don't enjoy acting and play it the bedroom with the AP and then tell me the only thing I get to watch is reruns of the Honeymooners. You want that (and, turns out, my W seems to want that), great, we can have it together, as a couple. And be a lot happier for it.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 9:24 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

I think FR touched on something we have discussed in the past in the we forum. I kind of identify with the way males view sex as well. But some of that is formative from being exposed to porn, sexual abuse from an early age. Like FR, I have never been ashamed of my sexuality either. And a tie back to that is we have experimented in our past with things that are very taboo to others. But it has put me in situations where I was way more inclined to ignore that I was being put in the kind of role that coco describes.

When I told h I wanted to be monogamous if I had the inkling that he wasn’t fine with that I don’t think we would have gotten married. In the end doing that and him accepting it was empowering because I just didn’t like it. I wasn’t getting anything out of it. My cheating was perplexing because of how much I know I need and value monogamy, but I think it was precipitated in part by reinacting the chaotic life I used to have. Having a serial cheater come to have a monogamist relationship with me would have been proof of something kind of like when I asked for h and I to become monogamist. I am not sure what that means because it’s a thought I am really just now exploring really because coco’s question was very riveting. I mean why would a woman put themselves in that position? My guess is for many of us it’s because it’s what we were taught from an early age.

And in some ways I have known some of this since I started therapy. It has helped me let go of a lot of shame I was carrying from the sexual abuse. I have been able to see That all the questiionable things I have done sexually in my life is because down deep I already felt “dirty” or used up. Hard to explain but many of the things I did were because of the shame I already carried. Self fulfilling prophecy.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:00 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

FR- who told you that most women aren't "like that"? I think you'd be surprised at what happens when people don't let societal dictates tell them what their sex drives should be.

Some men have low sex drives and that's okay. Some women have very high sex drives and that's okay. And everything in between.

I just think the idea here is that if you're equating "porn star sex" with a compliant partner in general, then all you're seeking is purely selfish getting off, and you may as well hire a sex worker. Sex is not about having a partner meet your every need. It's about two or more people meeting their needs together and enjoying themselves.

I am happy to enjoy purely hedonistic sex. I don't see anything whatsoever wrong with that as long as it's consensual. Not everything needs to be lovemaking or intimate, frankly. But I think there's something wrong if you go into things looking to meet only your own needs and that's the issue that needs to be evaluated.

And just FYI, my sex drive is sky high, I'm into a wide variety of sexual activities, and I've never been abused or carry any baggage whatsoever. There's not necessarily a link there- correlation, not causation.

[This message edited by PSTI at 11:43 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

No I didn’t mean to say all women who enjoy sex or are sexually open or enjoy hedonistic acts would be a result of abuse. What I did say was coco asked a question as to why a woman might Be overly compliant even if she is getting nothing from the sex. And my guess is there is a big correlation between that and sexual abuse. Probably more often than not in those situations.

In your situation you keep your sexual power. We are discussing situations where one gives their power away.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:56 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

The one thing I will say about porn is this: the vast majority of hetero porn involves a female who is sexually aggressive, who initiates sex and initiates positions and such. If you consider that most porn is consumed by hetero men, distilling porn to its essence, the one fantasy that most men share in common is a woman who is sexually aggressive.

In the context of affairs, the most hurtful thing we read from BH is where the BH perceives that his WW was more sexually aggressive with the AP than she had been with him.