SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

From the diary of Mary Boykin Chestnut, 1861.

She was the wife of a Southern plantation owner, writing about the wealthy people she knew very well.

I think every time period and every culture has its own trends and statistics about infidelity. Nowadays, it seems like everybody is touched by infidelity.

Who cares who cheats more? What is this a race? It's awful and despicable and destructive whichever sex does it.

1% of women and 40% men? Just who are the men sleeping with? All with the same women? My suggestion is stay off Wikipedia for facts .

It's equal (with exception to same sex couples) as it takes 2 to cheat - normally a man and a woman.

It's equal (with exception to same sex couples) as it takes 2 to cheat - normally a man and a woman.

That's true at any single affair, but, in aggregate, it's not necessarily true.

Let me give you an example. Let's take a population of 100 men and 1 female prostitute. All 100 men are married, the female prostitute is not. All 100 men sleep with prostitute and have her as an AP, the female, as she's not married, does not have an AP. What percent of the men and women in this situation are cheaters? 100% and 0%.

Serial cheaters, single people, and perhaps most importantly, professionals make it entirely possible to have lopsided numbers. Put another way, in every affair, there's at least one WS, but not necessarily 2 WS's (if both people aren't married). And looking at it the other way, for every WS, there's at least one AP, but not necessarily ONLY one AP.

So, while it's not even close to true, it could be logically consistent to say something like "every man will cheat and no woman will cheat" and not break any rules of logic.

All that said, logical basis aside, I think that the vast majority of the disparity comes from one of two areas. Professional sex workers (who, after a year or two in the profession, are probably AP's to hundreds or thousands of men) and serial cheats (who I suspect often go the other way, one WH who's responsible for dozens of WW's, for example).

So, yes, it's possible the numbers are lopsided, in fact, I'd be very surprised if they weren't lopsided.

My WW had two boyfriends. Me and one she had before me. She had quite a number of AP, some married, some with girlfriends and some not. More with the other boyfriend than with me who married her. I don't know if the other boyfriend ever cheated on her.

I agree with others, the studies seem questionable. I've seen other blind studies (meaning, the respondents give no identifiable, personal information) that puts infidelity rates much higher than verifiable studies. This makes a lot of sense, most people wont admit if it can be traced back to them.

My WW was the 1% too, lucky me! I wouldn't be surprised if the numbers are basically the same across genders.

Let me give you an example. Let's take a population of 100 men and 1 female prostitute.

Not sure if you missed me asking on the last page or not, so I’ll ask again. How many men do you know that have slept with pros?

How many men do you know that have slept with pros?

Egh, you mean like actual number of 100% confirmed (admitted)? Not really sure, somewhere between 10-20 would be a reasonable estimate. When you get into some groups, especially the guys who travel a lot to places where it's legal, it becomes somewhat an "open secret", but it's not exactly something that people go advertising either. Since my W's A, I know of only 2 (that come to mind anyway), because I've become an anti-social hermit at work, so I don't hear about it anymore. And those 2 are much tamer than what I used to hear, both of them occurred in the course of normal conversation, Me: "Heading to (insert country with legal prostitution here) to meet with the client", Colleague: "Oh man, that place is awesome, make sure you check out (insert name of massage parlor, "swing club", brothel or individual prostitute here)". So that's what I'd consider "confirmed". If I engaged in the after work conversations again, I'm sure I'd learn of more, I just don't can't deal with it anymore after what happened.

Not sure if you missed me asking on the last page or not, so I’ll ask again. How many men do you know that have slept with pros?

Do men actually admit to it?

Who cares who cheats more?

I mean that. We're all here because of infidelity. We're all in pain. Who really cares about gender trends when the reality is that we're all in this place anyway?

What I care more about is, are there people in society who use gender trends and gender-alizations as an excuse for their own bad behaviors or to excuse someone else? That's what I'm more concerned about - how are people using those stats to keep hurting others?

Do men actually admit to it?

Yes, at least in my circle they sometimes do/would. Again, a lot of the stigma that we all associate with it is because it's illegal in the US. Go to a place where it is legal, and it becomes another recreation opportunity. It's not exactly like going to play golf after work, but it's not at all like going to get some crack after work. It's on the edges of "acceptable" behavior. Probably the best analogy I can draw for the US, it would be like going out after work to a strip club. Not exactly something you'd advertise at the office the next day, but if another guy asked you and you were friendly with him, you'd tell him the truth. Or if you had a really great time there, you might tell a close friend over lunch. That's the best analogy I can draw. And that carries over to the US, the men I know who spend a lot of time internationally, and hang out with other men who do that, start to talk about it more openly even where it's illegal.

I believe that both genders have approximate parity in unfaithfulness, that female cheating is much higher than reported, and on par with male cheating. I think the dirty little secret is that close to half of both genders have been unfaithful. I think most surveys underreport female cheating, because many woman don't answer honestly even on anonymous surveys. That's just my opinion, obviously, but some surveys hint at this (for example, one survey showed a higher number of women - almost two-thirds - saying they would cheat if they didn't think they would be caught, but a low number of women on the same survey actually saying they had cheated). Also, given that women initiate the majority of divorces, it stands to reason that a higher percentage of women have been unfaithful than traditionally has been assumed or reported.

in every affair, there's at least one WS,

Can we stop being exculsive here? Not all cheaters are married. IMO, partner is a better term to use than spouse.

Also, people don't "sleep" with prostitutes, usually. They have sex. That's one of my pet peeves, I guess. Most cheaters don't sleep with their APs, either. They have sex and then go home and sleep with their partners.

As to the original question, I think it's probably pretty equal. The stats are probably skewed because women aren't supposed to cheat more than men. It's always been sort of expected, and sometimes accepted, that men will cheat, but not women. Women are supposed to be better than that, or at least not as sexual.

The stats are probably skewed because women aren't supposed to cheat more than men. It's always been sort of expected, and sometimes accepted, that men will cheat, but not women. Women are supposed to be better than that...

I think it highly likely that you are correct.

Let's take a population of 100 men and 1 female prostitute.

I love how everyone thinks prostitutes are easy to find. Sorry guys, lots of these women cheating are straight lace church girl wives/girlfriends.

I think I know a girl who would sleep with guys for money, but she would still be picky (Only guys she finds attractive).

A straight up pro.

Hmm, I could find one, but that is like trying to find heroin. It would take work and going to the shady sides of town. When I could take off my ring and go flirt up a girl at a bar for the same money. BTW - That girl might be someone else's wife/girlfriend.

Quick poll: Who here thinks they could find a straight up prostitute in their home town? Just curious.

Quick poll: Who here thinks they could find a straight up prostitute in their home town? Just curious.

Prostitution is legal in parts of Nevada.

In Phoenix, you can drive through parts of town and see them standing on street corners.

I have no idea what the number of prostitutes is in any given area, but they do exist.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 10:42 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Quick poll: Who here thinks they could find a straight up prostitute in their home town? Just curious.

I suspect if you looked at all, you'd find them. I live in rural America, not the place you'd think, and it's here. Not streetwalkers, but "massage parlors" and strip clubs (which, for those who don't know, it's a very fine line that gets crossed often between the two professions, "dancer" and "prostitute").

Travel to places where it's legal? Well, you just need to pick up the phone or ask at the hotel front desk (and yes, I've seen this, more than once, at very fancy hotels, and they are happy to oblige).

I think the dirty little secret is that close to half of both genders have been unfaithful.

It's not entirely a secret, but I think your general thought here I agree with entirely. And, if you work from that number, what does it tell you? If about 1/2 of people cheat, well, a whole TON of marriages have A's in them. I just don't believe the stats at all, to be frank. I know of quite a few undiscovered affairs (that wouldn't be counted) and also at least some (mostly from here) hidden affairs, including my own, where nobody other than me, W, OBS and AP know about it. Would that be counted? I think not.

What I'd really like to know, lifetime study, if you marry at say 25, what are the chances that one or both partners cheat? One partner, I'd be shocked if the number didn't come close to 75%. Both? IDK, but I'd guess that's high too. "The monogamy myth" I believe was the book that dug in on this, and I was shocked at some of the stats and observations made.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 11:55 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Quick poll: Who here thinks they could find a straight up prostitute in their home town? Just curious.

Easier than one can find the number for a marriage counselor or an individual therapist, obviously.

No, seriously. It actually is quite easy to find prostitutes thanks to the internet. I hadn't realized how easy it was until my XWH used them, but it is seriously easy.

I agree with Dee - the internet changed the game. By and large prostitutes don't operate from the street corner any more. They post ads on craiglist and other things. I also live in Rural America and could have you to a prostitute in one hour or less with no experience searching for one before. It's easier than it ever was.