SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She's telling you that she does not wish to be married to you. The loving thing is to give her what she wishes.

Exactly what Tallgirl said.

My first thought was that she may have started a new A. It's possible she was pretending to go along with what you asked hoping you would quickly rugsweep. That didn't happen, so she's gone back to her old ways.

her IC said stop reading all those books about what you need to do. They're bad for you.

Did you hear this from the IC or your CW? Either way, it's bullshit.

If her IC really told her that, the IC is probably telling her that she needs to take a stand for herself as if she's being railroaded. Who knows what she's telling the IC.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 5:58 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Hi Slant,

In response to your question,

I am happily divorced.

Blame shifting and becoming a victim are extremely common amongst wayward individuals.

Tallgirl describes the individual aspects and emotions of the situation well.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 7:03 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Isn’t it unbelievable that the cheaters have the gall and audacity to get mad at the BS? Unbelievable with the “f” word thrown in!!

My H did the same thing. After dday1 he was mad at me!!! Of course it was my fault he cheated. Lol

Until Dday2 when I stood up to him and his crap and told him(very calmly) I was divorcing him. He left me no choice.

It wasn’t a discussion. It was a statement and I left the room. I did not engage in conversation. That second started the hard 180. No laundry or errands or meals(unless kids were home). No chit chat.

He started making amends and showed true remorse at that point. Prior to that he was flaunting his affair in my face a bit and I was stupid enough to do the pick me dance for 3 months.

Point is - she’s not changing. At least not right now. She’s in the Affair Fog and it appears someone (possibly the counselor) is supporting this behavior. Who knows what lies she is feeding the counselor but if she won’t do anything to make amends or show remorse, you cannot reconcile or save the marriage.

Unless you want to live with her and her attitude and crap the way things are now.

Best of luck. Goal is to get yourself out of infidelity. Save yourself!!!!!

I want to add that it’s been 6 years and we survived his affair.

My H has made changes and he’s back to the guy he was (before his last affair).

His changes were not temporary. They are permanent.

He continues to make amends and shows me every day I am important to him and valued and loved.

But it took me almost walking out the door (and a post nup) to open his eyes to what he was doing and the mistakes he was making.

When I read your WW diatribe, I read this:

me me me me me me ME! Me me me meeeeeeeeee!

The opposite of love is indifference. I suggest: don’t bother arguing with what she tells you. Say "I’m sorry you feel that way". Then walk away. Why bother? Go try convince your grass that it shouldn’t be green. You’ll have more success.

File for D. If she changes her tune, you may reconsider...

So apparently, prior to the A, your WW was a model partner, always took your feelings into consideration in all things, never did anything to hurt you and never took you for granted. She always let you know how much she valued you and your relationship, and in response to all of this, you turned your back on her. You pushed her away and into the arms of another man. YOU left her NO CHOICE but to cheat!

I'm quite certain that is NOT how things actually happened. However, this is the lie she is telling herself. Your WW is now so good at lying, even SHE believes her own lies. In this situation, I don't think you have any choice but to divorce.

Immediately after discovery my WW, was doing all the right things with regard to remorse, studying hot to know her why's, NC, etc. The only thing she didn't do was tell the whole truth. Like almost all the other cheaters she TT me.

On the surface I was encouraged but each week a little more came out.

Then the big reveal happened. I don't know what changed but after confessing to what I hope to be all of it, she got distant.

I liken it to how we feel distant from God when we sin. You know you are doing all these bad things so you don't feel worth of going to church or being in church, God just feels so far away.

IDK if it was guilt, anger, remorse or bad Mexican food but she got distant and mean. I moved out, and instantly her attitude started to change for the better. She still isn't to where she originally was but this time the journey seems more genuine.

I am saying this so you won't settle for less. Stand up for yourself until you are happy with what you are getting. If it never comes, you are better without her.

Poor dear cheated, got busted, doesn't like the fall out, is trying to play victim to circumstances she created and is now pulling out the old classic using anger as manipulation.

It's bullshit plain and simple. You don't have to fall for it. Like a teenager "yeah - you grounded me - I'll act like the biggest asshole on the planet and make such a nuisance of myself and smash and break things until you give me my way" about as mature as a teenager too.

And...honestly - how do you know that's really what her IC said as opposed to what she said her IC said?

A month from discovery and her head is still firmly up her ass. She like it that way. It doesn't smell that great but it is warm and she doesn't have to see the path of destruction in her wake.

She can choose to remove it and deal OR keep it that way and suffocate on her own shit.

You don't have to stay around for her shit show.

It sounds like her IC is an idiot. There are so many IC idiots out there that it's hard to find one that's got any sense.

I'd suggest you tell her to dump the IC and find a new one then you do the 180. Only communicate with her about finances and only if needed. Don't invite her to go with you anywhere. Change your holiday plans to exclude her. Remove her from your daily activities and life in general. Kick her out of your bedroom. Then if or when you see her doing the hard work of reconciliation where she's actually trying to make things right, you start to include her again a little at a time. Never commit yourself to reconciliation unless she's fully committed to it first. If she continues to blame shift or insinuate that you caused her actions in any way, divorce her. You should get a divorce packet from your local clerk of court or other government agency that handles divorce. Make an evening appointment with her and pull the paperwork out so you can fill it out together. See what her reaction is. Her reaction will tell you where her head is and what your direction should be. Never ever take any responsibility for her or anyone else's actions. Value yourself enough to free yourself from destructive people and live your life free from liars and betrayers. You are the prize; never forget it. If she doesn't turn around and quickly, take your life back, move her out of your house, and find someone who's worth your love. I wish the best for you.

I have her served so fast her head would swim.

May I suggest an alternate scenario - one which requires you to look at your situation from a different perspective? I find it to be useful at times

The betrayed spouse looks at the affair and thinks, "Look what you've done to our marriage!" "Look at what you've done to me!" "Why aren't you doing [x, y, z] to help me recover?" The assumption is, of course, that this person who loves you MUST be seeing the situation the same way that you are.

Unfortunately, it's the rare WS who is having an affair and, at the same time, reading self-help books about how to manage their spouse's recovery. They justify the affair by conjuring up memories of the times their spouse forgot to buy milk at the store. They are not in IC discovering their "why's" in preparation for the affair to be discovered. And they seldom stop on a dime after discovery, make a total 180, and dive into rehabilitating their marriage. We'd like to think this happens but it just doesn't.

My point is that, very frequently, wayward spouses are not prepared, emotionally or intellectually, to handle the trauma they've caused. It's easy for us to throw stones at them (and, let's face it, they deserve it!) but if we step back and look at the situation objectively, their responses are not unexpected.

So... what to do? How do you get the message across? To me it's simple. You sit them down and explain, in very simple and straightforward terms, that no matter what you were doing as a husband, it does not make the marriage better to bring a third party into it. Period. Then, briefly explain how it has made you feel and what you are going to need for her to do to help you recover.

Lastly, explain to her that if she doesn't like it, doesn't want to do it, can't do it, etc., then you are going to start the process of moving yourself out of the marriage.

Handling it this way makes your position crystal clear and puts the onus 100% on her (where it belongs) in a way that she can clearly understand. She may not see it that way - but you have explained YOUR position - and, to YOU, that is what matters.

Remember, she may not spin around on a dime. Things may not get better immediately because she may not know HOW to make it better. That's okay. At least she'd be trying. Which is WAY more than what she's doing right now.

The roller coaster stops when you want to get off. However, I'm not one to complain about a short ride if I didn't tell the roller coaster operator that the ride was supposed to last for 3 minutes. If he doesn't know, he can't let me enjoy the ups and downs.

Be clear with how you feel, set your boundaries, and then follow through. You are moving yourself out of infidelity. If she wants to come along - great! If not, you are in a much better position.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 10:08 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Thanks, all. I appreciate what I'm hearing. And I've been vague because I'm still not clear on whether she knows I'm here.

What got us here was me taking a stand with the kind of things you've spelled out above. She responded well. She decided that my stand was not acceptable to her, and is retreating rapidly from everything she said.

I will explain these things to her one more time, and follow through as her reply calls for. I doubt anything will change. She has, IMO, never had the chops for the kind of deep and long-term relationship repair this requires. It's just all coming out in extreme form now.

Agreed that the IC may have said something entirely different, given the unreliable narrator. Whatever the case, she's using that and other things to harden her position, not backing down. There is only one route out I can see.

When there's a roadblock, you gotta take a different road.

There was a guy on another site, Who served his wife at the hotel she was sleeping with her AP in. He gave her no time to collect herself it was classic! She had been cheating on him for over two years. He had is mind mad up to divorce he second he found out she was cheating. Like your wife his wife was telling him he needed to change for her if he waned the marriage to continue.

Slanted

Anyone else dealt with something like this turn to anger?

I can help you understand why your WW is blaming you.

It is very common response for the WS to claim to the be victim.

Unfortunately, popular culture puts the whole entire blame of the A on the BS.

Before the A

The BS must have done SOMETHING to make the WS consider cheating.

That something may be

1) Not enough sex

2) A nag

3) Cold

4) Unsupportive

5)ETC to infinity.

During the A

How can the BS not know that the A is going on ?

How can the BS not spot the signs of an A?

How can the BS not know that they are being lied to ?

After Dday

The BS is dumb for staying with the WS.

The BS is vindictive and unforgiving if they divorce.

It is the BS fault when the BS can't "get over it" within a month or less.

These are the most common and prevailing misconceptions out there.

So, this is where your WW anger comes from.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 11:02 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Thanks, Dorothy123. Sounds very much right to me. And in the literature, there's Esther Perel's take for validation.

Another angle here. My (now) ex became very angry with me after I discovered his affair. He was quite vindictive, too. I was totally blown away! After all, what did *I* do? I was a great, supportive wife!

Well, it was about power. Or, perceived power. You see, he always thought he was superior, in charge, the final decision maker, etc. He primarily thought this for two reasons. He's the man :::cough::: and he made more money. Yes, he really did think this way. I wish I had known this before we married. Anyway! Suddenly there was a disturbance in the force. He was the bad guy. He screwed up. He betrayed me and our marriage. Suddenly I had the moral upper hand over him. He couldn't stand that! In order to make things better he knew he would have to sublimate himself (his view), grovel, beg, make promises, make it up to me, etc.

Bottom line? He wouldn't put himself in that position. Hence, he became a total ass, cruel, vindictive as if I had done the cheating, and we divorced.

Think about that angle.

Suddenly there was a disturbance in the force. He was the bad guy. He screwed up. He betrayed me and our marriage. Suddenly I had the moral upper hand over him. He couldn't stand that! In order to make things better he knew he would have to sublimate himself (his view), grovel, beg, make promises, make it up to me, etc.

Bottom line? He wouldn't put himself in that position.

Change the gender, and you could be describing my situation. Only difference is she would say I haven't been a great husband in terms of one thing: affirmations. I would say I sure as hell tried, hard. But even failure doesn't justify cheating. I don't think she really, in her heart, believes that last sentence.

[This message edited by Slanted at 11:52 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

My WW is mad as hell, but she's not blame-shifting. She's just sad that her comfortable life is about to come to an end.